Hessa

Crud muffin! He wanted me to sing!

Damn him and his persuasive abilities. He warmed me up with funny stories, got me all relaxed with meditation in front of nature's greatest show at eventide, and now he dropped this bomb on me.

The thing is, I really wanted to do it. But I was scared spitless to do it. And I hated that he put me on the spot like this. How could I say yes and overcome my fear in front of the person I wanted to impress most? How could I say no and risk hurting his feelings and pushing him away? For heaven's sake, he said it was highly personal, a part of his childhood, and he wanted to share it with me. Turning him down would be equivalent to a slap in the face.

Before I could even formulate an answer, tears sprang to my eyes. I was between a rock and a hard place. Either way I'd hurt someone: me or him.

"Whoa, hold on there. You don't have to do it. I want you to, but I won't pressure you further. I promise. Please don't cry." Kai tossed the ukulele back in its case and leaned over me, pulling my hands into his. Which of course, just made the tears fall faster.

He responded the only way an intelligent man can by pulling me into a hug, his warm arms wrapping me up, shielding me from the ocean breeze. Words would come later, but for now, this contact was everything I needed.

Coconuts and man-sweat.

His heavenly scent surrounded me and distracted me from my tears. My body melted into his, enjoying the feel of his muscles bracketing my form. I'd never been a small girl, but in his embrace, I felt protected by a force stronger and braver than me.

All too soon, he pulled back. His hands cupped my face and his thumbs wiped the tears off my cheeks.

"I'm sorry, Ono," he whispered, just inches from my lips.

I gave him my truth. "I want to. I'm just scared." It was a scared confession I hated to put words to, which wasn't what he wanted, but it was something. Something honest at least.

His hands never left my face, thumbs and gaze caressing my skin. "I know you're scared. But I know you'd be incredible too. And I want to see you embrace your incredible."

I huffed out a quick guffaw. "I do too."

"Then trust me to help you. We'll start slow. Maybe hum some songs and see what comes of it. If you want to sing, great. If not, there's always tomorrow, yeah?"

At his encouragement, I nodded my agreement. His hands left my face to slide into my ponytail and down my back. My hair sprang loose as he pulled the tie down, spreading my hair and running his fingers through it.

"I've been wondering what you look like with your hair down. The ponytail is for your students. The way you look with your hair down, your eyes soft, skin flushed...that look is just for me and our music together."

My hippie lifeguard was a romantic.

If I wasn't already seated, I would have lost all control over my legs at that statement and that heated stare he was giving me. My cheeks burned hotter and I knew right then I'd made the right choice by being honest with him.

He sat back down and placed the ukulele on his lap again. "I know it seems cliché for me to play the ukulele, but it reminds me of home. We used to sit around the house, the backyard, the beach, around campfires. Really, anywhere people were gathered, someone would break out an ukulele and the singing would start. It didn't matter what your voice sounded like, or how well you played. It was about being together and sharing reminders of your ancestry, your culture."

I smiled, listening to him share something so personal. I could see now where he was coming from about keeping things casual. I was so worried about singing in front of people and he'd grown up with the opposite. Everyone sang and no one thought anything of it.

"Tell me how you grew up, Hessa." Kai strummed a few chords before easing into a melody I knew I'd heard before but couldn't place.

I looked away, taking in the last of the orange and yellow streaks across the sky. Darkness was setting in, creating an intimate cocoon around us. The only source of light penetrating our bubble was the lamps on the pier in the distance. It felt as if we were the only two people left in the world, urging me to open up and share, whereas harsh daytime would have left me too exposed.

"My parents divorced when I was really little. My dad left in his RV and traveled the country making money on odd jobs wherever he happened to be. My mom tried her best, but wasn't really around much between work and boyfriends. I was always a total book nerd. I could spend all day and night in my room reading, escaping through the worlds described in the books I read. My twin sister and I were really close up until high school. I buckled down harder to get good grades and hopefully a college scholarship. She started hanging out with the wrong crowd and barely graduated. I surrounded myself with people like me at college: it was all about academics. Focused on schooling and learning. There was no time for creativity or art or music. I tried to bury that side of me since it just wasn't practical." I broke off, realizing I'd said more to Kai about my childhood than I had to anyone else.

He switched to another song, this one softer and mellower. "Then how did you find yourself writing songs?"

"I guess I had a lot of anger about my dad leaving and not caring about my sister and I. Then my sister and I had a falling out. I had all this emotion choking me and I didn't know what to do with it. So, I sat down and started writing one day. And the style I seemed to write in the most lent itself to song lyrics. I saw a keyboard for sale one day in my neighborhood as I was driving by. I swerved over to the curb, jumped out and bought it before I could think too much about it. I played around with melodies, using YouTube to teach me how to play. I don't know. I just got so much enjoyment from it, I kept doing it." I shrugged, realizing I'd never made a conscious decision to write songs. It just came naturally to me and I let myself follow my passion. Maybe for the first time in my life.

Kai was looking at me like I was a puzzle, one he very much wanted to figure out. "You say you're so practical and academic, but you're not a math or science teacher. You teach English and writing. And the way I see it, writing is entirely subjective. It can be wildly passionate, it can be dark and seductive, it can be light and irreverent." He winked at me, changing the tune on the instrument. "I would guess you're a highly passionate person, Hessa. You just don't recognize it because you've mislabeled yourself for so long."

His words left my mind swirling, my heart feeling exposed to harsh elements. I'd never had someone challenge me like that before, or even suggest that I was more than the scholar I always claimed to be. I was proud of that label.

But it never felt like a cage before.

"I always thought it was a self-confidence issue that kept me from pursuing my music in a more public way." I tilted my head, staring at the waves reaching the shore as I sorted out what I was feeling. "Perhaps it's more to do with realizing who I really am. All the many sides to me. What I feel I can be." I looked over at Kai, wondering what he thought of all this introspection.

He had a slight smile on his face, nodding along thoughtfully. "Sounds like you have things to think about. Many questions to ask yourself. I think we all do. Or at least we all should from time to time. You know, check in and see if we're living the life we desire. It takes courage to ask yourself those hard questions."

He strummed one last note, then sat forward, a huge smile taking over his face. "I've got the perfect song for you. I bet you've heard it. It's been sung by a very famous Hawaiian and you hear it all the time: “Over the Rainbow.” Will you sing it with me?"

I smiled back, the happiness he exuded contagious. "I'll do my best. I don't know all the words, but I'll hum what I don't know."

He winked and started plucking out the melody. I took a deep breath, threw caution to the wind and sang softly, his strong voice blending with mine. I kept going when he nodded and winked at me, like a pat on the back for finally having the courage. My voice got stronger as I felt more at ease realizing I'd survive this experience. When we got to the line "...and the dreams that you've dreamed of, dreams really do come true..." my voice almost broke, the realization of why he'd chosen this song washing over me.

Writing songs was a dream of mine. One I'd buried deep. I'd convinced myself it was a pipe dream, a silly aspiration, something to keep secret while focusing on more 'important' endeavors. But my romantic heart never let the dream go.

And Kai was the first to see beyond my carefully crafted verbivore exterior to the sensual, passionate woman underneath.

I didn't know how it was possible, but as our voices wrapped around each other in the night air, so did my heart intertwine with his. I didn't expect it to happen, nor did I particularly want it to happen, but happen it did.

When the last note of “Over the Rainbow” faded under the crash of the waves, Kai and I sat in comfortable silence. I felt lighter than I had in recent years, knowing I'd faced a fear and sang in public. Yes, it was only in front of one person and it wasn't any of the songs I'd written, but it was a step. At least I'd started taking the baby steps necessary to fulfill my dream.

Finally, Kai put the ukulele back in his case, stood up and offered me his hand. This time, when I placed my hand in his, he pulled me up with enough force to launch me into his body. I landed against his hard chest, his arms coming around me, holding me there.

My eyes widened and flashed alarm at the sudden proximity. My almost drowsy state of calm from the waves and the sing-a-long disappeared in an instant, reminding me, like stepping into a bathtub of scalding water, I was in the presence of a hot-blooded male. One I was highly attracted to. One who made my insides flare with desire then melt into longing, knowing he was not only out of my league, but also not the type of man I was looking to get involved with.

But that wouldn't stop me from enjoying his friendship, or being pressed up against his human wall of muscle.

His hands ran up my back, tangled in my hair and pulled. My head tilted back and he took advantage, lowering his face till he was mere inches from making contact. I barely breathed, trying not to startle him out of his intention, which I was hoping included kissing me. Only half of his face was illuminated by the lights from the pier, but that one half showed me his gaze was on my lips.

"Your voice is as beautiful as you. Thank you for trusting me," he whispered. Then his face lowered even more. I closed my eyes, praying he wasn't teasing me with the slow-mo approach.

His breath gently blew across my lips before I felt his lips brush across mine, lightly at first. Then they came back, more forceful, as if the first taste wasn't nearly enough. They plucked at my lower lip, paying it specific attention. Teeth nipped, followed by his tongue soothing the quick flash of pleasure-pain. My lips parted, so intrigued by this divide-and-conquer assault they tried to let a gasp through. The flash of his tongue sliding in, tasting, tempting, titillating, swept away all thoughts of technique or alliteration.

All that was left was sensation: the hard tug on my hair, the goose bumps covering every square inch of skin, the chills racing up and down my spine, the heartbeat racing out of control, the heat centering in my core.

I never wanted it to stop.

Out of control and finally out of my head, I used my hands to grab handfuls of his polo shirt, pulling him closer, then releasing to explore the exposed skin. My arms wrapped around his back, then searched lower, finding twin globes of hard muscle. That too, I wanted closer. Pulling him into me, I found the booty in more ways than one. Yes, I had my hands on that fantastic backside of his, but it also pressed him into me, the ultimate treasure found in the form of his hard length against my belly.

Either that or he carried a steel pipe in his shorts.

Kai broke off the kiss, his hands still fisted in my hair. He was breathing hard and his jaw was clenched. My mind just screamed one word on repeat: no, no, no. I wanted his lips back. I was already addicted and would shamelessly beg if necessary. You can't give a girl a glimpse of paradise and then snatch it away. Like stealing candy from a baby, or chocolate from a fat girl. It just wasn't done. At least not without an ugly tantrum.

"Ono..." Kai groaned the word, then kissed my forehead, released my hair and set me away from him. "Let's get you back to your car, yeah?"

The chill from the night air, the sudden loss of Kai's warmth and my own self-doubt kicked in, leaving me adrift without a clue what all just happened tonight.

After tossing and turning, followed by disturbing dreams of heaven and hell, I finally woke the next morning to my alarm blaring. I stepped into the bathroom to get ready for work. One glimpse in the mirror and I could have sworn my lips still looked swollen. Or at least changed, so momentous was the kiss from last night. Would my coworkers be able to tell? Would my students know I was one step closer to actually completing my mystery dare of singing in front of a public group?

I turned on my phone and found the song I was looking for: Just a Kiss by Lady Antebellum. I hit repeat and lost myself in the haunting words. I replayed everything from last night: the conversation, the looks, the music. The Kiss. Yep, it was getting capital letters now.

Before I could get ahead of myself and try to second-guess what Kai was feeling or what he wanted from me, I needed to focus first on what I wanted. Was I even interested in getting into a relationship with him? I knew I was attracted to him something fierce, but did I want more?

I'd spent way too many years hating my fickle father for leaving my sister and I when we needed another parent. Who just takes off and forgets about their kids? I knew he loved us in his own way, but having the freedom to travel as he pleased came before being a parent, which was totally wrong.

Kai seemed more responsible than that, but he did have a lot of the same tendencies. He went barefoot everywhere, he talked about spending time outside in nature being essential to living. He meditated, for God's sake! My father thought he could make a domesticated type of life work too when he married my mom. He only lasted a few years before he ran out of there, escaping the suburbia doldrums for more a more exciting life on the road.

Bottom-line, I didn't know Kai well enough to guess as to what he wanted or what he'd do in life. I'd have to get to know him better and until then, reign in my emotions so I didn't get caught up in what his kisses did to my body.

With my new intentions set, I paused the music, shoved my graded papers in my giant handbag and I was out the door to teach some reading and writing to my high schoolers. As I opened the front door, I nearly tripped, my bag flying and landing on the cement pathway leading to my driveway. I was about to chuckle, thinking I'd lucked out by not having hot coffee in my hands this morning, when my eyes took in what was beyond my bag, the chuckle dying a sad little death.

My front lawn looked like a political campaign puked all over my grass. At least two dozen wood stakes were piercing my lawn, with bright yellow posters attached to the top. Each sign had my name written in black ink at the top, followed by one simple sentence: You've Been Dared...Now Do It.

A neighbor, driving by on his way to work, slowed down to read the signs, then honked and waived at me before taking off. Like this was all some joke. Or some weird prank one of my friends pulled on me, like an adult version of TP'ing.

But this wasn't a joke or a prank. This was my life, my secret, being exposed to neighbors and friends. This was my privacy going up in smoke.