BEAT OF HIS HEART
His Biggest Fan, 1
Victoria Vallo
Copyright © 2018
Prologue
Killian smiled in anticipation when he heard the light tap on his window. He crawled out of bed and knelt to peek outside. When he moved the curtain aside, he looked right into Malcolm’s sexy blue eyes. He lifted the window quietly and immediately leaned forward to kiss Malcolm. His secret boyfriend kissed him back hungrily, and Killian felt his cock straining for freedom.
“Happy birthday, baby,” Malcolm said as he climbed through the window.
Killian smiled wider as he closed the window after taking a quick look up and down the street. “I missed you.”
“I missed you, too.” Malcolm palmed Killian’s cock. “And now you’re finally eighteen, I don’t have to worry about going to jail anymore.”
Killian laughed softly, his eyes rolling back into his head as Malcolm’s hand worked its magic. He loved Malcolm’s sense of humor and the way Malcolm constantly teased him. “I don’t think they’d have put you in jail for fooling around with a guy eight months younger than you.” He forced his eyes open. “Mmmm, I can’t wait to get out of this town. I’m gonna find the most public place possible and walk around holding your hand.”
Malcolm’s hand stilled. He looked at Killian oddly, as if he were stunned.
“What?” Had he said something wrong? Killian didn’t think so. He stroked Malcolm’s hand.
Malcolm’s expression softened. He smiled and kissed Killian gently on the lips. “Nothing. I just thought you were going to say something outrageous or naughty.” He searched Killian’s eyes. “But instead you said something sweet.”
“Oh. I gotcha.” Killian lowered his head a little and let his shoulder-length blond hair fall over his face, feeling glad it was too dark for Malcolm to see him blushing.
“So damn sweet,” Malcolm whispered against Killian’s lips as he pulled Killian closer. “You make me so happy, baby.” Malcolm kissed him with more urgency, pushing him onto his back on the floor.
Killian opened to the kiss and wrapped his arms around Malcolm. He ran his hands into Malcolm’s silky black hair and caressed his scalp and his neck. Killian wanted Malcolm to touch him more, but Malcolm simply hovered over him and continued kissing him.
Brushing his lips to Killian’s ear, Malcolm said, “I’m gonna suck you, baby.”
Killian sighed and shuddered. As much as Killian enjoyed oral sex, he wanted more. He wanted the amazing, wonderful guy he had fallen in love with to fuck him. They’d been in a band together for almost a year, but they’d only been together for four months, and only the other guys in the band knew they were both gay. Malcolm wanted to go slow and not have sex until they were both away at college in three months. Killian didn’t think he could wait that long. They had already made plans to live together, as well as to be out and proud as a couple right away. Killian simply couldn’t understand why Malcolm didn’t want it as much as he did.
“Fuck me, Mal. Please.” Killian couldn’t keep the pleading out of his voice.
Malcolm pulled away, sighing as he ran his hands over his face and then pushed his hair back. “Baby, we might get caught. One of us will be too loud … and…”
“We can meet somewhere else. And you can’t be worried about disease. You showed me your tests, and you know I’ve never been with anyone. I kissed Lucy Devlin when I was fourteen, and that was it.”
“I know that.” Malcolm stroked Killian’s cheeks gently, but he didn’t say anything else.
Killian reached out and rubbed Malcolm’s cock through his jeans. “It’s still him. Charlie. What he did was wrong, but what we have feels right. Charlie didn’t have real feelings for you. I care for you more and more every day.” Killian bit his lip to keep from confessing that he was in love with Malcolm. “It makes me want more.”
Malcolm’s first lover had been a couple of years older than they were. Charlie had told Malcolm he was in love with him, but in the end, he’d only said that to get into Malcolm’s pants. When Malcolm had confessed his own love a few weeks later, Charlie had taken him to a hotel, where they met another guy. Charlie had wanted the other guy to fuck Malcolm while Charlie watched, and Malcolm hadn’t been able to get away fast enough.
Because of this, Malcolm had held off confessing his feelings and interest to Killian, even though he’d liked him right away when Killian joined the band. They’d gone slow, only spending time together and kissing at first. Malcolm had said he didn’t want to have sex or use the word “love” too soon. Yet, they’d been slowly pushing these boundaries recently, and Killian felt frustrated. The more they touched and shared, the more Killian wanted Malcolm inside of him.
“I want to make love to you, Kill. I do.” He lowered himself over Killian until their faces were inches apart. “You have no idea how much.”
“You’re right. I don’t. It doesn’t have to be tonight, but I can’t wait three months.” Killian wrapped his arms around Malcolm and kissed his neck, then nuzzled his face there. “I want you inside me.”
Malcolm groaned softly and rubbed against Killian, who spread his legs and arched up to rub against Malcolm as well. Only a few layers of material separated their cocks.
A knock on the door made them both freeze.
“Killian, you still up?” called Killian’s dad.
“Just got in bed,” Killian called as Malcolm rolled off of him. Killian jumped up and burrowed under his covers.
“Will you be eating with us before your show tomorrow?”
“Yeah, Dad. Malcolm will come get me around six.”
“Okay. Tell him he can eat here if he wants to. I know his folks work weekends and all.”
“Okay. I’ll call him and let him know in the morning.”
“Night, kiddo.”
“Night, Dad.”
Killian lay there a long time, staring at the ceiling and listening to his heart pound. He came out of his trance when Malcolm kissed him tenderly on the cheek.
“I’m gonna go, baby. We’ll talk tomorrow. And I’ll think about what you said. Promise.”
Killian turned his head and studied Malcolm’s face in the dim light that filtered through from the streetlights. “All right. Thank you, Mal.”
They kissed briefly, and then Malcolm left. Killian closed the window and watched Malcolm walk to his car. “I love you,” he whispered.
He leaned his head against the cool glass, longing for the day when he and Malcolm could sleep in each other’s arms.
****
Malcolm sat on his bed staring down at his hands. His parents had gone out of town for their wedding anniversary, and he’d invited Killian over for the night so they could finally make love. He’d meant for this to be a surprise for Killian, so he’d been both excited and nervous for days. Now, however, he felt as if he might throw up.
“You look like shit, Mal. What’s wrong?” Killian said, coming across the bed and shaking him. “Aren’t you happy?”
Their band, Deep Shadows, had been offered a recording contract. The label wasn’t big, but everyone they’d been in contact with the past two days had been professional and friendly. It was an amazing opportunity, but if they signed, they would be touring right away in the fall. Malcolm had held his tongue at first, but now that contracts were going to be signed, he’d had no choice but to tell Killian he wouldn’t be signing.
“I’m thrilled for the band, Kill, but I can’t do it. They want you and Adam more than anyone else. You can find another drummer. Scott could do it, and Adam could play bass until you guys found a new fifth member.”
“Can’t do it? This is our break! We won’t get this chance again.”
Malcolm hated to say it, but he had to. “Killian, your family has money. Mine does not. I won’t get another scholarship if I back out now. My parents are so smart and work so damn hard. They didn’t get to go to college, so I can’t skip it. I just fucking can’t.”
Killian stared at him as if he had said something completely nonsensical. “Dude, when we make it, you won’t need a scholarship. You can take online classes. Or you could do like a bunch of classes at a time when we aren’t touring or recording.”
“You know that would never work.”
“You’re gonna just leave me?”
Malcolm grabbed both of Killian’s hands. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to the college we picked together. I’m going to live in the apartment we’ve already put a deposit on. You’re the one who’s going somewhere.”
“Because things have changed!” Killian jerked his hands away. “Malcolm, our dream wasn’t about college. It was about getting out of this tiny town.”
“Since when?” Malcolm asked. “I love the band, and music is my passion, but I want to be a teacher. You know that. Learning to play and write music saved me when I was going through some really tough shit, and I want to help others find that kind of outlet and release. That kind of inspiration.”
Killian scowled at him. “So, you were just passing the time with me? Not really invested at all?”
Anger surged forward in Malcolm. “It would make far more sense for me to ask you those questions. You are the one changing our plans. Note the word ‘our’. I know you weren’t thrilled about college, but you never had any reservations until this happened.”
“Is this the real reason you won’t fuck me? I’m just not worth more than a blowjob?”
Malcolm leapt forward and pinned Killian down on the bed. “How can you say that? I love you. I wanted you to come over this weekend so we could finally make love. Not fuck. Make love. I wanted to kiss you and hold you close when those green eyes flashed at me for the first time. I very nearly pulled you to me when we shook hands. Kill, I’d already fallen in love with you the first time we kissed.”
Killian began shaking his head, his lips pressed together tightly. He let out a shaky breath. “Liar.”
The whispered word stung. “What?”
“You heard me. You’re a liar.” Killian’s face was stony and passive, but his eyes burned with anger. “I’m signing with Scott, Adam, and James. And yeah, I know the label mainly wants me and Adam, but the other guys get that. They’re fine with it. They aren’t jealous.”
Malcolm eased off of Killian. They had to stop, or Killian was going to regret all of this. “Let’s take a break, baby. You’re going to say things you don’t mean.” I think you already have, but I don’t want to hear you repeat them.
“You’ve already set the precedent for that.”
Malcolm let his anger go, hoping a gentle response would calm Killian. “Please don’t say that. I do love you, Kill. That’s why I don’t want to lose you.”
“Then come with me.”
Malcolm shook his head. “I can’t.”
Killian went silent, lying there looking up at him. Malcolm should have moved away, but he didn’t. Killian reached up and rubbed Malcolm’s cock, getting him hard very quickly.
“Baby, stop, please.” Malcolm pulled away, his breathing heavy and his dick throbbing. He’d love to let Killian keep going so they could both just forget everything for a while, but he knew it would make things worse.
Killian let his hand drop and stared up at the ceiling. “You’re mine. I won’t let you go.”
“You can’t make me come with you.”
Killian cut his eyes to Malcolm, his look cold. “But I can make you come. You get hard every time I touch you.”
Malcolm forced himself not to blink because he knew tears brimmed his eyes. If he blinked, they’d fall. “Please just go, Killian. You’re acting out of anger and hurt.”
Killian sat up and crawled over to Malcolm, again reaching for his cock. Malcolm bit his lip and closed his eyes as Killian stroked him. A tear slid down each cheek, and Malcolm gasped when he felt Killian lick them away. He opened his eyes then, and he saw that Killian’s expression had softened.
“I love getting you hard, making you come. You’re so fucking beautiful when you come,” Killian said, rubbing harder.
Malcolm shook. Killian had never been this aggressive before. Swallowing, he said, “Then make me come. If this is what you need, take it.” He still had no idea why Killian wouldn’t see reason or at least try to understand his point of view, but his body didn’t care. His heart didn’t either—it just wanted to have Killian any way it could.
Killian unbuttoned and unzipped Malcolm’s jeans, freeing his cock. “You’re all wet, Mal. If I’d known you were just waiting for me to take what I wanted, I wouldn’t have waited.”
Malcolm knew pre-cum dripped from his tip, coating his cock. The mere thought of Killian made his dick weep most days. He arched up, and Killian dipped his head to lick the tip.
“Oh, God, Killian!”
He yanked Malcolm’s jeans down farther. “Scream if you want, Mal. No one will hear us.” Killian took Malcolm’s cock down his throat in one swift movement.
Malcolm bucked, and Killian held him down, taking Malcolm’s cock down his throat repeatedly. As lust and frustration took over, Malcolm ran his fingers into Killian’s hair and began to guide him. Killian moaned as Malcolm fucked his mouth, massaging Malcolm’s balls and teasing his anus with one finger. When Malcolm cried out, Killian rose up and kissed him repeatedly, teasing Malcolm with his lips and tongue.
“Take me, Malcolm. You’re ready to explode. Fuck me and fill me with your cum. You know you’re aching for it.”
Malcolm did ache for it, but he grabbed Killian to still him. “Say you aren’t going to leave me, and I’ll make love to you all night.”
Killian drew back, panting. Malcolm saw his cock straining in his jeans. Their eyes met, and Killian shook his head. “You ought to want me no matter what.”
“I do!”
“No, you only want me if I fit in just right with your plans.”
“Kill, I could say the same right back at you. I told you how I feel. I love you. I will still love you no matter what you decide, but I know I’ll lose you if you go on tour with the band and leave me behind.”
“So you choose college over me?”
“Why not? You’re choosing the band over me.” And you haven’t said you love me. You’ve asked me to fuck you so many times, but you’ve never said you love me.
“This is my dream. I want to share it with you.” Killian rose from the bed. “Call me if you want to share it with me.”
Malcolm tucked his flagging erection into his jeans and stood up. “You’re dumping me?”
“I’m forcing you to consider that maybe your head isn’t always right. Sometimes your heart knows best, and my heart wants to tour the country with you pursuing our passion and being unashamed of our love.”
Malcolm resisted the temptation to give in and pull Killian back onto the bed with him. “I’ll think about it, Killian. Okay? We’re not breaking up, right?”
Killian walked back to him but didn’t touch him. “You’re mine. I’m going to fight for you, even if you’re the one I have to fight.”
Malcolm nodded. “I’ll tell you before I let the guys know. How long do I have?”
Killian backed away a bit, looking down. “They’re going to bring final terms next weekend.” He pulled a bundle of cards out of his pocket. “It would make us look better if you’d let the label know as soon as you decide. I said yes today, so it’s just you and James still on the fence.”
Malcolm took the card, his eyes barely able to focus on the print. “Of course. I’ll give them a call when I decide.”
“And then you’ll call me?” Killian said, as if he felt Malcolm needed the prompt.
“Yes, baby. I will.” Now that Killian had calmed down, Malcolm wanted to ask Killian about his feelings, wanted to know why Killian had never said those three words back to him, but the question lodged in his throat.
Killian turned away so quickly that Malcolm wanted to grab him and make him turn around again. What was he thinking? What had that look in his eyes meant? Instead, he let Killian walk out of the room. After he heard Killian pull away, Malcolm sank onto the bed, the certainty that he knew what he wanted abandoning him completely.
****
Killian leaned against his car, watching Adam, Scott, and James help Malcolm finish loading his car. They all shook hands and hugged, none of them looking at Killian. When they all dispersed, Adam finally cast a glance his way, and after a brief hesitation, he headed over to Killian.
“I know we’re a punk band, but I don’t want our lyrics getting too angry and angst-ridden.” He leaned against the car and shoved his shoulder into Killian’s. “Go talk to him. You’re acting like a jerk.”
“I won’t do a long-distance relationship.”
“No one’s asking you to do that. But don’t part like this, man. I get why you’re upset, but I also get why he can’t pass up his scholarship. We’re all taking a gamble here. He’s tried to get you to talk ever since he made the final decision, and you keep on shutting him down.”
Killian lowered his head so his hair fell forward enough that Malcolm couldn’t see his face from where he stood. “I don’t know what to say, Adam. If he … if … God, Adam, I’ll fucking make an ass of myself and beg him not to go.”
“What’s so wrong with that, even if you can’t change things? Show him you love him instead of yelling about how he belongs to you. Give him an emotion besides anger for fucking once.”
Killian’s head jerked up at that. He knew his friend was right, yet he felt paralyzed. “I … I don’t see the point. We’re going in opposite directions.”
Adam pushed away from the car. “Fine, man, but I had to say something. You’re here for a reason.”
Killian didn’t respond, and Adam walked away. He took several deep breaths before looking up. The ability to breathe left him then, because Malcolm was walking toward him. They stood silently for a minute, and then Malcolm put his hand out.
“Good luck with the band, Killian. Please call me if you want to talk.”
Killian shook Malcolm’s hand as quickly as possible and nodded. “Good luck to you, too.”
“Thank you.”
Malcolm licked his lips and took a step forward.
“I have to go,” Killian said, turning swiftly and getting in his car. He pulled away without looking up again, but he couldn’t stop himself from looking in the rearview mirror and watching Malcolm stand there in the middle of the road.
“Drive, dude. Just drive,” he whispered to himself. He briefly slowed as he thought about what Adam had said, but then he put his foot down on the accelerator and tightened his grip on the steering wheel.