Rachel
If he really cared, he would have done something about it.
That was tough to accept. Even though Caine had given me no reason to hang on to hope, I had been. But tonight I felt like whatever I’d been clinging to had finally snapped.
“It’s killing me to see you like this,” Ava said.
We’d just locked up O’Leary’s at the end of the night. Since it had been slow, I’d done everything I needed to before we closed, except total out the register, which I was currently doing. I stopped counting and looked up at my friend.
“I’ll be fine. It was just a rough night.”
She took a seat at the bar. “Maybe you shouldn’t have told Davis you weren’t interested. He’s a nice guy. Might help you to get over the fuckwad.”
I smiled. Ava had been Team Caine right up until the moment I told her he’d broken things off. Now she had a wide assortment of names for him, none of which were Caine.
“I just don’t understand why he showed up here tonight.”
“Caine? I don’t know. But he didn’t look happy. He stared at the two of you sitting in that booth over there and didn’t even hear me call his name. I thought for sure he was going to storm over and throw a punch.”
Although that would have been upsetting, at least it would have shown me he cared. No man sees a woman he has feelings for and walks out. Especially the moment Caine had apparently walked in on. Finding out he’d stopped by O’Leary’s and left when he saw me holding hands with Davis felt like it was finally the end. I’d been imagining seeing something still there in his eyes. But Charlie had been right—if you want to know whether a man’s heart is still in it, show him you’ve moved on. I’d been seeing what I wanted to see instead of the truth.
“Well, he didn’t. And that says more to me than anything.”
“Men suck.”
I finished counting out the register and put the money in the leather bag we used to store it in overnight in the safe.
“That about summarizes things.”
On the drive home, I gave myself a pep talk. I was over Caine West—I hadn’t really fallen in love with him. It was just lust. My nine-month dry spell had me confusing the two. I needed to get out more, maybe date people my own age. This was for the best. Goodbye, Caine West. Tomorrow comes with or without you, so I don’t need you to continue.
I prescribed my own musical therapy on the way home. Listening to Rachel Platten’s “Fight Song” had me feeling that I was not only going to be fine, but was actually better off without Caine. I’m pumped to be dumped, I thought to myself, laughing.
I parked my car in the overpriced lot near my apartment and sighed audibly. Convincing my head was a heck of a lot easier than convincing my heart. And with those two at odds, my emotions were all over the place. I went from pumped to plummeted in the span of turning off the car and walking five blocks home alone.
Lost in thought, I wasn’t paying attention to my surroundings. My footsteps were sluggish, and an unexpected panic hit me as I turned the corner to my building. I looked over my shoulder, across the street, up and down the block—all the while feeling a strong wave of anxiety. That feeling grew as I walked faster toward home. It wasn’t until I opened the outer door to my apartment building that the reason for my anxiety made itself known.
I jumped and screamed as I found someone standing in the vestibule. On instinct, I pulled back and punched as hard as I could, squeezing my eyes shut.
“Shit!” the intruder yelled.
Only…that voice. It wasn’t an intruder at all.
“Caine! What the hell? You scared the shit out of me. Again!”
His hand went to his face where I’d just decked him. “I can see that. You’re packing a pretty nice punch, Feisty.”
“I’m sorry. Are you okay?” My heart was beating out of my chest.
“Yeah, I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about it. I didn’t mean to scare you. I was ringing the bell. I figured you’d be home by now since O’Leary’s closed at midnight.”
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
He moved his hand, and I could see his cheek already starting to turn red and swell.
Caine nodded. “I deserved it anyway.”
Once the rush of adrenaline began to wear off, I realized my hand hurt, a lot. Opening and closing it, I wondered if I might have broken something.
“You hurt my hand.”
Caine pulled his head back. “I hurt your hand? You punched me.”
“Yeah, but it’s your fault for scaring the crap out of me. Again. What is it with you waiting in here anyway?”
“Let me see your hand.”
I held it out. It wasn’t cut or anything, but the knuckles on the middle and pointer fingers had started to swell. Caine took my hand in his and gently ran his thumb over my knuckles. A bolt of electricity shot through me that had nothing to do with the injury. I pulled my hand back quickly.
“That hurt?”
I lied. “Yeah.”
“We should put some ice on it.”
Hearing him say we, reminded me he shouldn’t even be here in the first place.
“What are you doing here?”
Caine looked down, then up at me. His beauty kicked my pulse up again. He looked tired and stressed, and had a lump growing on his face where I’d punched him, yet he was still absolutely gorgeous. The kind of handsome that never grows old because each time you’re amazed at the effect it has on you.
His voice was tender. “I need to talk to you. Please.”
“It’s late.”
“It can’t wait.”
When I hesitated before opening the door, he took that as a sign I might not be comfortable inviting him up.
“We could go get a cup of coffee or just take a walk, if you want.”
I dug into my purse for my keys. “No, it’s fine. I want to change out of my work clothes anyway.”
The elevator ride was awkward. The doors were silver and reflected Caine looking at me. I kept my eyes trained up, watching each floor illuminate as if the car was dependent on me for movement. The damn thing moved at a snail’s pace.
Inside my apartment, I went to the kitchen, dug a bag of frozen peas from the freezer, and handed them to Caine. “Your cheek is swelling.”
“It’s fine. Use that for your hand.”
I set the bag down on the kitchen counter and practically ran to my bedroom to change, needing to gather my thoughts. “I’ll be out in a few minutes.”
Twenty minutes ago, I’d been angry-singing “Fight Song” in the car, wishing the man a good riddance, and now I was getting my hopes up because he’d showed up at my door. I was pathetic. What was he doing here? Had he been drinking? He’d better not think he was showing up for a booty call. Sex with Caine. I cursed my libido for even considering it.
I changed into a pair of yoga pants and a tank top, brushed my hair, and washed up. I might have even spritzed on some perfume. (Don’t judge.) As I was about to walk back to the living room, I realized I wasn’t in the right frame of mind yet. Grabbing my iPhone, I opened my playlist and scrolled until I found something to change my mood back to pissed off. I stopped at Three Days Grace’s “I Hate Everything About You.”
That’ll do.
Lying back on my bed, I shut my eyes, popped in my earbuds, and reset myself. After, I felt stronger and ready to face Caine.
He was in his usual spot, looking at the photos on the wall when I finally emerged.
“Can I get you something to drink?” I walked past him and headed to the kitchen for a bottle of water, though I really could have used something stronger.
“No, thanks.”
Twisting off the cap, I took a long drink while his eyes followed my every move. “So what do you need to talk about?”
“Could we sit?”
Caine waited for me to take a seat. I was closer to the couch but intentionally sat in the chair across from it so we wouldn’t wind up sitting too close. Tonight our roles were reversed. But I needed space to think straight when he was near.
After he sat, he clasped his hands together, rested his elbows on his knees, and dropped his head, staring down at his feet. I’d never seen Caine look so nervous. He was generally the epitome of composure. The longer the silence stretched between us, the more anxious I became.
After what was probably only two or three minutes, yet seemed like an eternity, Caine blew out a ragged breath. When he finally raised his head to look at me, his eyes were glassy and filled with pain. I wanted to reach out so badly, but I had to protect myself. Whatever was hurting him would soon be hurting me.
“I don’t know where to start,” his voice was hoarse.
There’s only one answer when a person looks as troubled as Caine did. “How about at the beginning?”
He nodded. “That’s where I should have started weeks ago.” He searched my eyes. “I know you don’t owe me anything, but can you promise me something?”
“What?”
“Hear me out until I finish.”
“Okay…”
Caine just kept shaking his head. “Do you remember the first night we met?”
“In the bar? Yes.”
“I said you looked familiar to me. You thought I was feeding you a line. At the time, I couldn’t place it, but after finding out you went to Brooklyn College, I chalked it up to having seen you around.”
I furrowed my brows. “Are you saying we met before?”
Caine nodded. His face was so solemn. “It was a long time ago.”
“Where did we meet?”
“In church.”
What the heck was he talking about? My head tilted to the side. “Church?”
Caine dragged his fingers through his hair and stared at me. The look on his face was breaking my heart.
“Do you remember going to St. Killian’s to talk to a priest every Saturday?”
My eyes widened, and my body went still. “How do you know about that?”
He searched my eyes. “It wasn’t a priest. It was me.”
I think I was in shock. I didn’t understand what I was feeling. I wasn’t upset or angry—I just felt sort of…numb, like I was lost in a heavy fog and couldn’t figure out which way to go. My palms were clammy and legs heavy, even though I was sitting. A wave of lightheadedness mixed with nausea washed over me, and I held on to the sides of the chair.
“Rachel?”
I heard Caine say my name, but I wasn’t really listening.
“Rachel? Maybe you should lie down.”
That was probably what I should’ve done, considering how I felt, but I needed answers.
“When did you figure out it was me?”
Caine smiled sadly and reached into his pocket. When he pulled his hand out, he opened his fist to show me a dozen or so pennies in his palm.
“I kept them all. I have no idea why. But I did. All these years.”
Confused, I took one from his hand. “These are…”
He nodded. “The ones you used to toss into the confessional so I’d have good luck.”
“You kept them?”
“Honestly, I knew I was doing something wrong even then, but after I realized you believed in good luck despite all the shit swirling around you, I couldn’t have walked away if I’d wanted to. I don’t know why I kept them, but when I saw you toss pennies on the floor of my bedroom a few weeks ago, it just clicked.”
“Why didn’t you tell me then, if you realized that day?”
“I wasn’t sure. I guess a part of me didn’t want to believe it was you, that you’d lived with that fucking monster. I needed to be positive. Tossing pennies could have just been an odd coincidence. So the next time the opportunity presented itself, I asked you if your mother had ever remarried.”
My face dropped. “And I said no.”
Caine nodded. “Then at your sister’s—”
“She mentioned Benny.”
He nodded again. “That’s not all. There’s more, Rachel.”
What else could he possibly be hiding? “More?”
“You know the fight Benny got into at the shop?”
“Yeah?”
“It wasn’t a customer. It was me. That Saturday after I’d told you to meet me the next morning, I followed you home, just in case you didn’t show up. Then when you didn’t show up at the church on Sunday, I was coming to check on you. A few blocks from your house, I stopped to get gas, and I saw the same car parked at the station that had been parked in your driveway the day before. I stopped at the place he worked, completely by coincidence.”
“And what happened?”
“I told him to keep away from you and your sister. He said some horrible stuff, and then he came at me with a wrench.”
“He hurt you?”
“Couple of cuts and bruises, but I was fine.”
My head was spinning. “I don’t feel so good.”
“I’m so sorry, Rachel. For everything. For lying to you all those years ago. For not going to the police and getting help sooner. For getting you hurt. If I hadn’t told you to come meet me, that animal wouldn’t have caught you packing, and he…” The pain in Caine’s voice was agonizing. “He wouldn’t have hurt you. I’m so sorry.”
As much as it upset me to see Caine distraught, I needed to be alone. I needed some time to think. It was too much to take in at once.
Talking to that priest had been a lifetime ago. I couldn’t remember all the things I’d told him, but back then, I was lost. He was the only person who made me feel safe. Finding out none of it was real made me feel…confused, angry, violated.
But worst of all, I was ashamed. I’d always regretted hiding what was going on for so long, and I felt responsible for not stopping what my sister went through sooner.
“I need to lie down.” I felt Caine looking at me, but I couldn’t bear to meet his eyes. “You should go.”
He was quiet for a moment while I continued to look away. Then I heard him stand. His voice was a whisper.
“I’m sorry, Rachel. I’m so sorry.”