No words. He had literally left me speechless. We talked a few minutes longer and when I hung up the phone I fell, naked, backwards onto the sofa. As I stared at the ceiling I thought about what had just happened.

It was hot as fuck. And what he said afterwards. It made me excited and nervous all at once. I wanted this. Just don’t let your emotions get involved. This is temporary. I wonder if it’s like this for most people. This high. Feeling like all you want is the next experience and then the next. It was intoxicating.

I rolled off the couch and grabbed my discarded clothing. I needed to get dressed and get some more work done. I shouldn’t still be horny, but I was. It was what he said afterwards that had made my blood race south again.

Focus, Gemma. You’ve got work to do. Saying no to tonight was the right thing to do.

If that was true, why did I have the urge to pick up the phone and tell him to come over. I started up my computer. Anticipation. He said it would make everything better, more intense. I had no clue how it could get more intense. I smiled as I waited for my editing software to open again. I turned on some music and concentrated on getting through the images before me.

The night flew by and as I climbed into bed I shot off a quick goodnight text. Prior to this we’d never before been the type of friends who text daily or nightly, but we’d also never been in this type of situation before, so I wasn’t 100% certain what the rules were. I just knew sending him a goodnight text seemed like the right thing to do.

“Night, Baz.”

“Night, precious. Rest up.” Just as I set my phone down, it chimed again. I snatched it back up and laughed when I read the next text. “You’re gonna need it.” I was still smiling when I fell asleep.

* * *

This morning had been crazy, I overslept and it started me off on the wrong foot. Thankfully the morning was over and I was headed to my appointment with Dr. Williams. I actually felt a little edgy about seeing her today. I bit my lip as I parked and got out. I needed to see her. It had been too long. And after everything that had happened in the past few days I could really use a professionals’ perspective. I was ten minutes early, but the receptionist happily greeted me as I walked into the waiting room and took a seat.

“She’ll be right with you.”

I acknowledged her with a nod. I smiled as I picked up a magazine that was sitting on the end table. I mindlessly flipped through it. There was a quiz that caught my eye, “How Do You Know If He’s THE ONE?”

I closed the book. Magazine quizzes were stupid. Besides, Baz was the one for now. I opened the book back up, then I reached inside my purse and pulled out a pen. What the hell, why not. I’m only taking this for fun and to pass the time.

How long have you known each other?

1. It feels like we’ve known each other forever.
2. A few months, I can’t wait to find out more about him.
3. A while, but I still feel there’s loads about him I don’t know yet.
4. Not long at all, but I’m loving getting to know him.

I circled 1. I have known him forever, almost twenty years now.

How well does he know you?

1. I’m 100% myself around him – he knows the good, the bad and the ugly.
2. He knows me really well, but there’s a few things I don’t want him to know.
3. I feel like he knows me completely but there’s still so much more for him to learn about me. I can’t wait.
4. I like to be a bit mysterious! It’s good to hold back There’s a few things I could NEVER tell him.

Another 1. He knows it all. Well, now he really does.

What do your friends think of him?

1. They don't really know him yet
2. They say the right things but I'm not sure. I get the impression they think I can do better.
3. Mostly they think he's great fun.
4. My friends love him! He gets on with everyone.

4, that’s an easy one. Who wouldn’t love Baz?

Do you talk about your future together?

1. God no! I don't want to scare him off!
2. Sometimes but we're happy as we are.
3. He doesn't believe in marriage and he doesn't want kids but he'll change his mind!
4. Yeah, we have really similar views on marriage, where we want to live and kids.

I was torn between 1 and 3 on this one. We don’t talk about our future together, because we are living in the right now. And I know he doesn’t believe in marriage and forever after, but I do think one day he’ll change his views. Although, maybe I’m kidding myself with that. The whole reason we were doing this right now thing was because I needed to stop worrying about the future. I circled 1.

What are your arguments like?

1. We fight a LOT but eventually one of us will back down... usually me. Anything for a peaceful life.
2. We have a fair few spats but then we have lovely make up sex!
3. We argue, but then we talk it out and usually find a resolution pretty quickly.
4. We've never argued. I can't really imagine it happening.

We aren’t really a couple so to speak, but we haven’t ever argued in the past, so 4.

He tells you that he fancies you most when...

1. ...you're all dolled up. He likes you to look your best.
2. ...you've woken up in an old t-shirt and sweats with make up under your eyes. He's weird!!
3. ...you're just casual but still cute.
4. ...ever he sees you. So far, he's only seen you looking great!

I laughed when I read this one, hadn’t he just recently told me he was fond of my ratty T and sweats look? I circled 2, then glanced at the clock. Dr. Williams would be out soon. I started to close the magazine again, then opened it back up. It’s not like it mattered what it said, I was just curious what the outcome would be. Plus, I had circled answers. With ink. So if someone else wanted to take it I’d already marked it all up. I discretely looked around the waiting room to make sure the receptionist wasn’t watching, then tore the quiz out of the magazine, quickly folded it up and stuffed it in a pocket inside my purse. I’d finish it later. I flipped through a few more pages and heard the door open.

“Hi, Gemma. Come on in.” Dr. Williams tall frame filled the doorway. Her light brown hair was severely pulled back from her face, and her cat-eye glasses sat perched low on her nose. I walked quickly into the room and she closed the door behind me.

The office had plaques on the wall, a few book shelves that housed what I assumed were scientific journals, a couch, and two large oversized leather chairs, that were tilted towards each other. Her desk sat across from them both and housed a box of tissues and a laptop. As comfortable as it looked, Dr. Williams knew I never chose to use the big leather couch that was on the far side of the room. As usual, I took a seat in one of the large oversized leather chairs that was situated across from her desk and set my purse on the floor.

“It’s been a while, Gemma. How are you doing? How’s your photography coming?” She smiled and took her seat behind the desk.

“My photography is going amazingly. I’m still shooting a lot of weddings and engagements. And nature too. But the weddings and engagements are like my daily therapy. They remind me that love is real.”

She nodded. “That’s good. How’s everything else?”

“Well, up until a few days ago all I could say was that it was just going. I take that back. I guess most everything in my life is good, great even, but you know I’m still struggling with the romantic side. Well, I was struggling.” I gulped in some suddenly much-needed air.

“And would you care to clarify what you mean by that?” She crossed her hands in her lap and tilted her head as she waited patiently for my answer.

“Ok. Um,” I wasn’t sure where exactly to start, I glanced at the clock. I had approximately 57 minutes left in my session.

“We have plenty of time. Why don’t you start with why you felt like you needed to talk to me?”

“Yes, right. So, about a month ago I started dating a very nice man. He checked off every box I could have possibly wanted in a mate. Handsome, kind, funny, successful, loved kids… But I just didn’t or couldn’t feel anything more than that. I’m not sure which. Does that make sense?”

I paused while she nodded. I looked down at my hands and started to pick at a hangnail while I continued. “I guess I felt like I should want to be with him. Don’t get me wrong, we did have some fun together, but I didn’t have romantic feelings for him. It was like I was trying to force myself to feel something because mentally I knew I should feel like that about him. Or I thought I should. I kept thinking they would come,” I gestured a rolling motion with my hands, “the feelings, but they just didn’t.” I felt like I was rambling.

“And you’re worried because you didn’t feel anything more than friendship for him? Sometimes that’s the way it is in relationships. That doesn’t mean there’s something wrong.”

“I’m worried because I’ve not really ever felt those kinds of feelings for anyone. Well, until now.” I glanced up at her. Her brow was arched in speculation, then creased in concern.

“I thought you just said you didn’t have those types of feelings for him?”

“I don’t, I didn’t. I broke it off with him. Then, when I did, he accused me of being in love with my best friend, Bastian. He said I couldn’t feel anything for him because I was hung up on my friend.”

“And how did that make you feel?” She leaned back in her chair again.

“Confused, annoyed,” I dragged my teeth over my top lip, “then curious.”

“Curious?”

“Truth be told, Bastian has always been my best friend, he’s always been there for me. He was there that night when everything happened with Steve back in high school.” I shook my head thinking about my ex. Then turned my focus to Baz. “I’ve always thought he was gorgeous, but even so, we had placed each other in the friend zone a long time ago and he had never made me think he would ever be interested in more than that. I mean, he could get any woman he wanted, and often did. What would he want with me?”

“Gemma, do you still think of yourself as damaged?” Her question surprised me. She had no idea how close to the truth she was.

“I guess, maybe in some respects.” My eyes dropped to the floor. “I just wanted to feel something, anything, for someone. I feel like Steve broke something inside of me. And I couldn’t figure out how to fix it. All these failed relationships over the years. I kept thinking what’s wrong with me?” I could feel tears begin to rim my eyes and tipped my head back, blinking furiously. I would not cry. That asshole didn’t deserve my tears.

When I looked back down Dr. Williams pointed to the box of tissues that was perched on the corner of her desk. I declined, refusing to let it out.

“It’s ok to get emotional, Gemma. It’s what makes us human. It helps release stress.” She walked around the desk and sat in the chair across from mine. She pulled a tissue from the box and handed it to me.

“I know that, but I’m not going to cry anymore tears over that ass. I just feel like I’m still so scarred. I trusted him. Gave him most of my high school years and stupidly believed he loved me. Why would he do that to me?” I shook my head.

“The only one who knows the answer to that is him. And honestly, sometimes men are just jerks. Maybe your tears aren’t for him? Maybe you’ve not allowed yourself to fully mourn the part of you that died that night? I know you felt betrayed, but he’s not worth the power you’re giving him. You are an independent, talented, beautiful young woman. Normally, I wouldn’t tell a client those things, but I feel like I know you well enough after all of these years to be honest and blunt with you.”

I nodded. “I know you’re right. And that brings me to the new development in my life. After, Geoff, that’s the guy I was dating, made his accusation, I started to really think about things. Earlier in the night, I’d met Bastian for happy hour and he’s the one who made me see I should cut Geoff loose if I didn’t have those types of feelings for him. He told me I should stop putting so much pressure on myself to find Mr. Right and to just find a Mr. Right Now instead. To basically let the future worry about itself.” I crossed and uncrossed my legs, then crossed my arms across my chest in a semi-defensive position. I guess I was a little worried about what her thoughts would be.

“And…” she prompted.

“Well, here’s the thing. I had always gotten a little thrill whenever I would see Baz, but I just attributed it to him being my friend. Like, I didn’t really realize it was a sexual type feeling because those are so foreign to me. Then, when we were at happy hour, I was drinking and I felt like sparks were flying, but I figured it was the booze and me just reading into things. I mean, Baz is hot, so who wouldn’t feel something when they were hanging out and drinking with him? Even though he’s hot, he had always just been my friend.”

I took a breath, “So, when Geoff made his little comments I started to think things through more thoroughly. Like I said, Baz is hot. But I wasn’t in love with him. I mean, I love him, but I’m not in love with him. Lots of people have friends they think are hot, right?” I raised my hands and shook my head in question at her to emphasize my point.

“But after talking to Baz, I knew his idea about finding a Mr. Right Now sounded like the best plan I had heard in a long time. Granted, I had found different men attractive along the way, but I never felt, well anything. Like, I would think they were cute, but I never had tingles or any awareness of them as a male counterpart to want it to progress any further than hand holding or kissing. Jeez, this is embarrassing. I didn’t want to talk about my sex life, or lack thereof.”

“We don’t need to discuss anything you aren’t comfortable discussing.” She leaned forward again and touched my arm.

“I know, but I want to discuss it. Well, I kind of want to discuss it. Anyways, I’ll give you the abridged version now. After talking to Harper, my other best friend, I decided that I might ask Bastian to help me out. Being in love with Baz wouldn’t be smart, but enjoying what I did feel with him, that spark, that was a whole other story. He could help me learn to live in the moment. And, I definitely did feel a spark with him, more like lightening was striking me. And he has so much experience, especially at staying unattached and living for the now. So, long story short he agreed to help and now we have an agreement to be each other’s perspective ‘right now’s’. He’s showing me how to keep things light, to not worry about the future but to focus on enjoying the present. Lots of people do the whole friends with benefits thing.” I quickly licked my lips. “He’s already helped me to feel again, and it’s only been two days.” Once I stopped chattering, I felt my body relax and I dropped my hands back into my lap. I took a deep breath and looked back up at Dr. Williams.

“I’m not sure what to say to that, Gemma. Do you think the fact that you’ve known him for a long time and that you trust him plays a role in any of this?”

“I never really thought about it quite like that.” I took a minute to let it sink in. “Now that you say that, I’m sure it does. I know he won’t hurt me. He’s always been my safe place, my protector. We even discussed preserving our friendship first and foremost. If either of us thinks it’s not going well, we just end it, no hard feelings.”

She shook her head in agreement with me. “I think that’s smart. I will caution you about sex and emotions being connected, especially with women. I know I am your doctor, but I also care about your wellbeing after all the years we’ve worked together. Do you think it’s possible that you didn’t feel the spark with anyone else because you wouldn’t let them in and trust them enough to allow yourself to feel? You said it yourself, Bastian was already inside of that safe place.” I felt myself nodding in agreement with her, but before I could respond she continued, “However, the fact that he is helping you through this is good. He might be the best person to help in this situation. Just be careful.” I watched as she stood and circled her desk. She sat and made a few notes in her computer, then looked back up at me.

“I think you’re doing really well. You seem more confident and much stronger than the last time we met, and I had thought you had made great strides then. Do you think we should set up another appointment? Or would you like to wait and call when you’re ready again?”

“I’ll call,” I smiled as I gathered my things and stood. “Thanks, Dr. Williams.”

I said goodbye to the receptionist on my way out and walked to the car with a big smile on my face. She thought I sounded strong. I was finally starting to believe that I was strong. I felt strong. It took me a long time to get here, but I knew I’d never go back to being the shy, insecure girl I used to be again.