“You should go in without me,” I told Jasmine, my throat tightening as nerves swelled in my gut.

“What? No way!” she replied, pulling me by my forearm. “The only reason I’m even a little okay with being here is because you’re with me. I hate everything about these parties.”

“Then why have you been coming every weekend?”

She lowered her stare for a moment before glancing my way. Her eyes were filled with guilt, and I realized exactly why she was standing there on Todd’s porch, about to enter his house.

Because of me.

“They said they’d stop bullying you if I came to parties.”

I grimaced and stuffed my hands into my pockets. “Because that’s not embarrassing at all.”

“Elliott…”

“You don’t have to stick up for me, you know. I can handle them.”

She shook her head. “But you shouldn’t have to.”

“But I do. I’ve dealt with people like them my whole life. It’s not your j-job to protect me, and trust me, having a girl stand up for me isn’t going to help any. My sister has been doing the same thing for years now and nothing has changed. Coming here was a bad idea.”

“Just come with me,” she begged, clasping her hands together. “We can have fun and mock them for mocking us, and then you can stand up for yourself, and I’ll stand up for you. It’ll be perfect.”

I bit the inside of my cheek and stared at the flickering porch light.

“Please, Elliott?” she begged. “Think of it this way: you going into this party isn’t me protecting you, it’s you protecting me.”

“You’re lying.”

“I’m not.”

I stood still, unable to look away from the flickering light. Please, stop with the flickers.

“Eli,” Jasmine said softly, her voice low and filled with care. “Please.”

Her hand landed on my forearm, and my stare moved from the lights to her fingers. My chest…it tightened even more. My heart…it sped up. Jasmine Greene was touching me, begging me to be her plus-one to a house party I hadn’t been invited to and never would be invited to, and I couldn’t even build up the courage to walk her inside.

“Just five minutes,” I told her with a hitch in my voice. “I just need five minutes before I can walk inside.”

“I’ll wait with you.”

“No,” I snapped. She frowned, and I felt awful. I just didn’t need her to be there to watch my panic attack take place. I didn’t need to give her any more reasons to feel sorry for me. I was already embarrassed enough. “I mean, I need five minutes to breathe a little. I need a moment by myself.” I added a smile at the end to make her smile too.

“Promise you’ll come in?”

“I promise.”

She nodded in understanding, even though I was one of the hardest people to ever understand. “Okay. I’ll get us some drinks.”

“Okay.”

Her hand finally left my forearm and she reached for the door. But before she stepped foot inside, she turned back to me. “Elliott?”

“Yes?”

“I don’t feel sorry for you. Sometimes you look at me like you think I feel sorry for you, and I just want you to know that I don’t. I think you’re great the way you are.”

“I’m a little messed up,” I told her, placing my hands on the back of my neck.

“I know—that’s why I like you.” She smiled. It was the kind of smile that made my armpits sweat. “Because I’m a little messed up, too.”

The second she walked inside, I hurried off the porch. I reached into my pocket and pulled out my iPod. Music always helped me before anything terrifying. Whenever I forgot to breathe, I’d put my earbuds in and lose myself in my favorite sounds: jazz music.

Duke Ellington.

Charlie Parker.

Ella Fitzgerald.

So many great legends lived inside of my iPod, so many mind-blowing talents.

My uncle TJ had taught my sister and me all about the greatest jazz musicians in the world. I was almost certain ‘Miles’ and ‘Davis’ had been my first two words, and they’d be the last two words I’d say on my way out.

Music was my therapy, and after a few songs, I always felt stronger. It was crazy how jazz fixed the broken pieces of me every time, how the sounds always took me back to a safe place in my soul.

Life was hard sometimes, but maybe God gave us music as his apology.

I looked around Todd’s home. He came from money, and the acres and acres of land were signs of his wealth. We obviously lived very different lives. To the left were orchard fields, and to the right, horse stables. Todd often tried to impress the girls at school by telling them about all the horses his family had. The thing Todd did best was show off—he was a professional at doing so.

I walked toward the stables, because animals often brought me more peace of mind than any human ever could. As I opened the stable door, I froze. Todd and three of his idiot friends were sitting there drinking beers with lighters and whips in their hands. They were standing in one of the stalls with a horse, cussing and hitting her with the whips, making her whimper in pain.

“What a dumb bitch,” Ted Jones said, laughing as he flickered the lighter by the horse’s face. “I should set part of her tail on fire,” he mocked.

“Dude, I’ll give you fifty bucks if you do it,” Keaton said, egging him on.

“Shit, I’ll give you fifty, too,” Todd said with a laugh.

As Ted grew closer and closer to the horse’s tail, panic built more and more in my chest. I knew these guys were assholes, but I hadn’t realized just how much until I listened to the horse whimper and cry in pain.

“S-s-s-stop!” I hollered, my voice trembling as I stared wide-eyed at the guys.

It happened immediately—the attention shifting from the horse to me.

My stomach dropped.

My armpits sweated.

But I didn’t regret speaking up, not if it meant helping the defenseless animal.

“Who invited fucking Bones?” Todd hissed.

My chest tightened, and I tried my best to avoid all eye contact. Be invisible. I hated anyone’s attention on me. I hated how I felt them judging, staring, belittling me for the simple fact that I looked the way I did.

“Leave that horse alone,” I said timidly. I was always so timid; I hated it.

They hurried over to me and started shoving me around, just like they always did.

“Who said that you could come to my place, freak? Huh?” Todd barked.

“J-J-Jasmine said I could come with her?” I answered, unintentionally saying it as a question.

“Jasmine?” Ted questioned. “That bitch isn’t your friend. She probably brought you here for us to have a good laugh.”

“No. She’s my friend,” I argued.

“Oh?” Todd started walking toward me and cocked an eyebrow. “What, do you have a crush on her or something, Bones?” He laughed, and all the others joined in with him. “Dude, you think you have a shot with someone as hot as her? Come on, man. You couldn’t even get any ugly pussy if you tried, let alone a hot one like her.”

I swallowed hard.

Pussy.

I hated that word.

I hated how they talked about girls. My sister would’ve hated how they talked about girls, too. My father, he wouldn’t have cared. They reminded me of him sometimes—most times, really, so heartless, cold, and angry for no real reason.

I hated my father.

I hated them, too.

“Listen, Bones, let me do you a favor.” Todd wrapped his arm around me and gave me a sheepish grin. “I’m gonna go inside and fuck the living hell out of Jasmine Greene. I’m going to screw her until she can’t walk straight. I’m going to screw her until she stutters like your dumb ass. Shit, we’ve all been screwing her for weeks now, the damn whore. Then I’m going to let her tell you to your face how you’re so far from her type. It will be a great lesson in teaching you to stay on your level and not try to hang out with the big dogs on campus. I’m going to make the bitch my bitch.”

My hands formed fists and I stood up a bit taller. “She’s not a b-b-bitch!” I hollered.

I didn’t realize what had happened until the stinging set in. I didn’t notice my reaction until my fist came back down and I saw the blood on my knuckles. I hadn’t known I had it in me.

“Motherfucker!” Todd shouted, stumbling backward, holding his hand over his nose. “He fucking broke my nose! I’m going to ruin you,” he barked.

“Get him!” Ted hollered, and three of the guys grabbed me by the arms and started dragging me across the stable. I tried my best to get out of their grips, but I wasn’t strong enough.

They were stronger. They were always stronger.

I’m not strong enough.

I’m not strong enough.

“Toss him into one of the stalls!” Todd ordered, blood gushing down his face. “Your life is about to be a living hell, Bones!”

Ted pushed me into a stall and I slammed against the ground, terrifying the horse that was in it. I’m sorry. I stumbled to my feet, but before I could get my footing, they locked me inside.

No.

I hated being locked in places. I hated having no way out. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t, I couldn’t…

“Let m-me out!” I yelled.

“No fucking way,” Todd snapped. “You did this shit to yourself.” He stood tall for a moment and dropped his hands down, revealing a wicked grin. “Speaking of shit…” Oh no. “Boys, get those shovels and come over here.”

“Wait,” I cried, the adrenaline I’d had coursing through me seconds before completely gone. “Don’t,” I begged.

They didn’t listen and were quick to grab the shovels.

“Now go into the other horse stalls and collect all the shit,” he ordered his followers.

They did as he said, and I backed into the corner of the stable, knowing what was coming next. They collected so much horse crap and began slinging it over at me, hitting me with shit continually. They laughed as I covered my face with the palms of my hands. It only went on for a few minutes, but I swore it felt like years.

It was everywhere. I felt it. I tasted it. I gagged repeatedly, unable to breathe. Wet, mushy, and disgusting…in my hair, in my shoes, down my shirt. I curled myself into a ball and tried my best not to breathe in the disgusting smells that engulfed me.

Todd slammed his hands against the locked door and shouted, “That will tuh-tuh-teach you to not get in my way ever again, you little prick. Now, I’m going to go fuck Jasmine, but don’t worry—I’ll let her know you had to leave and get back to being a nobody.”

They left me there alone after shutting off the lights.

I tried to stand up, but I slipped in the horse poop.

I couldn’t breathe.

I couldn’t move.

I couldn’t do anything at all.

So, I just sat there, quiet, alone, and broken.