It was a rainy Saturday when TJ was released from the hospital. Laura and I took him to his house while Elliott went to a job interview. TJ argued that he’d be okay, staying alone, but that wasn’t true. His balance was off-kilter, and we all worried about him being by himself.

Laura and I spent the morning with TJ, arguing about the living arrangements. He was going back and forth with us over what would happen over the coming weeks.

“It’s really okay, TJ. I can take some time off work and help look after you more,” Laura told him, trying to ease the guilt he felt for crashing into her life.

“No, no, no. The last thing you need to do is uproot your life for me. You’re already dealing with so much, working two jobs day and night. Taking care of me is too much, and I know my insurance doesn’t really cover nursing assistance, but that’s okay. I’ll be okay on my own.”

“TJ, you fell this morning at the hospital,” she admonished. “You can’t be alone.”

“I can help him during the day,” I chimed in.

“No, it’s not your responsibility. I’m not your child. Besides, that doesn’t fix anything. I’d still be alone at night. I might as well be alone during the day, too.”

“TJ, that’s crazy,” I told him. “There’s no way we’re leaving you alone.”

“You have to.” He shrugged. “I’m old. It’s okay.”

“That’s exactly why it’s not okay. You fell this morning, and I was there to help you. What if it happens again?” Laura asked.

“It has happened before, and I was able to help myself up.”

His words felt like a sucker punch. “You’ve fallen before, TJ?”

“Oh my gosh, why didn’t you tell me?” Laura hammered him.

“Because I knew you’d worry,” he replied. “You have so much on your plate, Laura. You don’t need to worry about me.”

“Now we’re definitely not leaving you alone,” she said firmly.

“There’s no way not to,” he argued.

“I can take nights,” a deep voice said, making us all turn to the front door. Elliott was standing in the foyer with his hands stuffed into his pockets.

TJ’s brows knitted. “What are you doing here?”

I felt Elliott’s eyes dance across me before his stare met TJ’s. “I just got a job at a gym not too far away. The hours are eight to four, so I can be with you during the evenings.”

Laura’s eyes watered over, and she placed her hands against her heart. “You’ll help?” she asked, unsure how to fully grasp what her son was saying.

“You’d do that for me?” TJ asked, seeming confused by Elliott’s offer.

“Yes.”

“Why?”

The discomfort Elliott felt was apparent. Opening himself up was something he struggled with, and everyone standing in the room knew it. There was this battle we witnessed between Elliott and his soul each time he came near. It was as if he wanted to express his true self, but he feared opening up would be damaging.

“You’d do the same for me,” he finally said. “You did do the same for me. When my d-dad walked out, you stepped in.”

Oh, Elliott…

TJ knew he couldn’t turn that offer down. It’d been years since Elliott had showed any kind of desire for connection, and he’d be a fool to shut him down.

“I’m going to see if I can hang a p-punching bag on the tree in the backyard?” he said as a question.

“Okay, son.” TJ nodded, clearly stunned.

As Elliott walked away, the three of us followed him with our stares. Laura’s hand was still resting over her heart, and tears were rolling down her cheeks. “My son’s home.”

“Not yet,” TJ disagreed, shaking his head a little. “But he’s working on it.”

* * *

We got TJ settled into his place, and Laura brought over a new walker to help him get around. It took a few days for us to get into the groove of caring for TJ, but over time, it became easier. The hardest part was watching him struggle to return to his normal self. TJ believed things would come back to him a lot easier than they were. Sometimes his mind was fogged, and he grew dizzy from time to time. Walking was tough for him, but the biggest pain to his heart was that he couldn’t play his music.

One afternoon, I found him standing over his saxophone, running his fingers along it.

“You okay, TJ?” I asked, but he didn’t reply. I walked over to him and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. “TJ.”

He shook his head back and forth, and when he looked at me, his eyes were heavy with sadness. “Yes?”

“Let’s get you to bed for a nap. You need rest. I’ll probably be gone by the time you wake up to get to work, but Elliott should be here to help you for the night. I’ll check on you after my night shift, okay?”

He nodded as we walked toward his room. He hated that I had to help him into his bed. He hated that he needed help at all. TJ was always the one to give help, not receive it, and I could tell this was a hard transition for him, but still, he said thank you, and still, he praised God. His belief in something greater than him when the days were dark was shocking. I wished we all could’ve been more like him in that way—hopeful, even when darkness roamed.

Once he was settled in, I went to work on cleaning the house. As I straightened up the living room before heading to work, I glanced out the window and saw Elliott standing across the street. His back was to me and his hands were stuffed in his pockets as he stared at the house in front of him, the house where he’d spent most of his childhood.

I walked over to the front door and looked his way. People walked past him, but he didn’t move an inch, almost as if he didn’t see them at all.

“Elliott!” I hollered, stepping onto the porch. He didn’t turn around. I walked down the steps and hurried over toward him. It was as if he were frozen solid, unable to move at all. The closer I got, the more my stomach filled with nerves. “Eli,” I said softly, placing my hand on his shoulder.

He jumped out of his skin, and when he turned my way, his eyes were glassed over with emotion. His feelings—his true feelings—were on display as he stood there studying the place he had once called his home. With one swift breath, he stepped backward. His glassy eyes changed back to his hard stare.

“What is it?” he barked.

“I just…” My words faded away as my mind tried to hold on to the broken pieces I saw in his gaze. I recognized that. I understood the sadness he harbored somewhere deep inside his soul, because it matched my own. What I didn’t understand was the harsh side he was committed to presenting to the world, to me. “I just wanted to check that you were okay.”

“I’m always okay.” He brushed past me toward TJ’s house, and I sighed, following.

“It’s okay if you’re not okay,” I told him. “I know I wouldn’t be okay coming back to the place I grew up, being around the memory of Kat—”

“Shut up!” he barked, turning around to face me in the middle of the street.

“What?”

He moved closer, his strong build reminding me how small I was in comparison. He hovered over me, inches away from my face. His warm breaths brushed against my skin as he spoke. “Just don’t.”

“Elliott—”

“You don’t know me anymore, and I have no desire to r-r-rebuild a friendship. I didn’t come back for you,” he told me, his tone so cold.

“I never said you did,” I whispered, feeling embarrassed.

“You look at me like you believe I did, though, like this—like we mean something, but we don’t. You mean nothing to me and I mean nothing to you, all right? I came back to help care for TJ and t-that’s it. Nothing more, nothing less. Do you understand?”

I nodded and my shoulders rounded. Each second, I felt smaller. “Yes.”

“Good.” He turned around and walked toward the house, then he stopped once more. “And Jasmine?”

“Yes?”

“Never mention my sister to me again—ever.”

He left me standing in the road as my mind tried to catch up. I was completely stunned, frozen still, the same way he had been moments before. Then, as I discovered my thoughts, as I realized what I should’ve said to him, I stormed back into the house.

“No,” I whisper-shouted toward Elliott, knowing TJ was sleeping.

“Excuse me?”

“I said no. You don’t get to talk to me like that. You don’t get to belittle me and tell me to shut up because you’re sad—and don’t lie to me and say you’re not sad, Elliott, because you are. You are sad, and I saw it. In that split second when you first turned around, I saw the real you, the hurt you, and I’m sorry I brought her up. That was me crossing the line, but you don’t get to tell me to shut up for checking on you. You don’t get to tell me who I can and cannot be. If you want to ignore me, if you want me to ignore you, fine, but don’t ever tell me to shut up again. I’m not the girl you get to tell to shut up.”

“You’re right.” He shifted around in his shoes as his eyebrows lowered. “I’m sorry.”

I stepped backward, a bit taken aback by his apology.

I hadn’t expected it at all.

“Oh?” I muttered.

“I don’t—” He paused, and the corner of his mouth twitched. “I didn’t mean to…” He stuffed his hands into his pockets, lowered his stare, and cleared his throat. When his head rose, he locked eyes with me, and that softness I’d once known was back in his stare. “I don’t know how to exist around you,” he told me, so raw, so truthful. I saw him, saw how much it pained him to tell me that before he walked away, leaving me stunned.

He confused me so much. It amazed me how he could be so hot and cold in a span of seconds. I wasn’t certain how to take it, what it meant, but I did know I felt exactly the same way he did.

I didn’t have a clue how to exist around him.

Yet still, even with his shadows, I craved for him to stay.