Josie
I was dead on my feet. Even after my third coffee of the morning I was still barely functioning. Even sitting out on the step in the cool, crisp morning air wasn’t helping keep my eyes open. Taking another sip from my travel mug, I watched as Matilda ran around chasing the birds. That girl was going to be the death of me. Don’t get me wrong, I loved her with everything I was, but right now, in this very moment, I wished she was someone else’s daughter.
For the last three days she’d been a miserable, horrible pain in my ass. She was teething, which meant I was running on no sleep. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d washed my hair and the only sustenance in my body was caffeine. At this point, if I could find a way to have the caffeine directly injected into my blood stream, I’d be much happier. At one point I was so tired and cranky I’d shot off a text to Mia offering her my snotty, slobbering daughter. Now though, now she was running around happily chasing the damn birds like it was all one big party.
God, I couldn’t wait for nap time.
And that child better take a god damn nap today. Her mum desperately needed one. Especially since Jenna wanted me at work tonight operating like a normal human being.
“Mum!” Matilda squealed in her high pitched, annoying squawk.
Looking over the rim of my cup, I watched as Matilda played in the dirt, bashing a random stick against the grass. She was amusing herself, and hopefully, tiring her little body out in the process. Barely a breath later she took off running towards the innocent, unaware birds foraging around in the grass. With a flap of her wild hands and another loud squeal, the flock of birds took to the sky, out of reach from my overeager Munchkin.
When my cup was empty and Matilda was covered from head to toe in dirt and grass, we headed back inside for some food. Mia and Derek arrived home from their trip into the city blissfully and disgustingly happy. Before they’d left, Mia had mumbled something about wedding plans, but as soon as she started I tuned out. She was turning into Bridezilla and I didn’t want to be anywhere near it. Not when I was too tired to care about anything.
I loved my sister. There was no doubting it, but this wedding couldn’t come fast enough. It seemed like every time I turned around she was nagging at me to buy some hideous lavender bridesmaid’s dress. I know there wasn’t long until the big day and I was running out of time, I just didn’t want to shop. I still hadn’t lost the baby weight, and I pretty much hated how I looked, so putting on a dress and a face full of makeup just to stand there and smile happily while I watched Mia’s dream come true wasn’t exactly my idea of fun. Not that I didn’t want her to get her dream, I did more than anything, it was just that every time the “w” word came out of her mouth, I found myself cringing.
Before I knew it, it was three in the afternoon, I’d missed my nap, and I was standing in the bathroom glaring at my reflection in the mirror, trying to tame my wild hair.
“Mum! Mum!” I could hear Matilda calling, and instead of going to make sure she wasn’t bleeding, I nudged the door shut with my foot, blocking out the sound.
Resting my hands on the sink in front of me I sucked in a deep breath. Then it hit me what I’d done. I was a single mother. And I’d just shut the door on my daughter’s cries. Fuck, I was a horrible person and even worse, I was a terrible mother. What sort of parent does that? When I managed to lift my gaze again, the mascara I swiped on minutes earlier was now trickling with the tears down my face.
Grabbing one of Matilda’s pink washcloths from the cabinet, I drenched it under the cold tap before scrubbing at my face, washing away my makeup and the shame at what I’d done. I hated myself for it. But I couldn’t force myself to open the door and face what I’d done. Before I had a chance to control myself, it got worse. The sobbing consumed me and soon enough I was panting for breath.
“Josie?” I heard Mia’s sickeningly sweet voice crack through the door.
“Yeah?” I hiccupped.
“Are you all right in there?”
No. No, I was not all right. I was a fucking mess. Instead of telling her the truth, I lied. “Yep.”
“Okay. Derek’s taking Matilda outside to the shed. Apparently he needs some help.”
I didn’t answer. I knew what they were doing. Trying to give me a minute to get my shit together. My only concern was what if a minute wasn’t enough? I was a disaster. As much as I needed the money, the urge to call in sick was more than tempting. If I didn’t feel like I’d be letting Jenna down, I would have.
The way my life was going, I may never come back out again.
Tossing the now black-stained cloth in the hamper, I yanked the black polo from the pile on the floor and tugged it over my head, before tightening my hair tie. I didn’t bother trying to reapply my makeup. My whole face was flushed and my eyes bloodshot, but it’d do. After all, it wasn’t like I had anyone to impress.
Stepping out of the bathroom, I bypassed my bedroom to grab my phone and keys then made my way into the kitchen.
Completely embarrassed by my breakdown, I watched Mia bite her lip, undoubtedly holding back her opinion. Thank fuck. I knew her well enough to know she had one. A strong one. Right now, I didn’t need her judgement. I had my own to battle.
“Are you still okay to look after Matilda tonight?” I forced out.
“Absolutely. Derek has a full night planned for her.”
“He spoils her.”
“Yeah. He does.”
“Well, if you’re sure, I’m going to head off. She’s been a pain in the butt all day and her teeth are giving her some grief. Panadol is in the cupboard, and she’ll be right to have some more around six if she needs it. And if you can get her to eat, give her anything.” Mia quirked her eyebrow at me. “She’s barely eating, and when she does, she’s fussy. Anything you can get down her throat is an achievement.”
“Easy.”
“Easy?”
“Yep. I have plans for a hot bubble bath while Uncle Derek spends some time with his favourite niece.”
“Nice. Well, good luck to him. I’m off.”
Without a word, Mia shuffled around the counter, wrapped her arms around my thick waist, buried her head on my shoulder and just held me. I didn’t know I needed it. I didn’t ask for it. And I didn’t invite it. But the moment her warmth seeped through into my skin, I felt better. “You’re an amazing mum, Jo…”
“No. I’m really not.”
“Yeah, Jo, you are. That little terror loves you and that’s all that matters.”
Feeling the tears threatening again, I hugged her tightly. “Thank you,” I whispered into her ear before pulling back and making my way out the door.
I didn’t look back. I couldn’t. Right now I needed to forget everything I was worried about and pull up my big girl panties and get to work. Climbing into the front seat of my banana scented car, I made a mental note that I needed to wash the car seat tomorrow. Taking the longest route possible, I pulled into the gravel car park with ten minutes to spare. After checking my appearance in the rear-view mirror and groaning heavily, I knew it was as good as it was going to get, I forced myself to get out of the car and stomped my way inside.
Pushing open the heavy door, Jenna noticed my entrance and offered me a half smile. Weaving my way through the tables, I headed straight towards the office to drop my purse. After stuffing my phone in my back pocket, I huffed out a deep breath, settled my game face on, and got to work.
“Hey.”
Jenna greeted me warily. It wasn’t so much as what she said but the way she looked at me that gave her secrets away.
“Hi!” I replied overly cheerily. I knew I was trying too hard, but I also knew myself. If I didn’t, I wasn’t sure I wouldn’t break. “How’s it been today?”
“Pretty quiet.”
“That’s good. Think it will stay like that?”
“Not a chance.”
“Oh?”
“Did you forget about the football carnival that’s in town?”
“Shit!” Yep, I’d completely blanked on that little fact. While I didn’t pay attention to the details, Derek had said something about three other teams migrating into town for some prestigious competition. At least that’s what I made of it. I could be completely wrong though. That’s what happened when my eyes glazed over and I completely tuned out to the world around me.
“All good. I’m staying ’til closing, so we should be fine.”
I knew she’d already been here for a handful of hours and I wasn’t sure doing another eight hours would do her any good. “You don’t have to do that,” I protested. For Jenna, I wanted her to go home and put her feet up. But the selfish bitch part of me, which today was more than likely the dominant part, was thrilled she was staying. I couldn’t deal with a hard night feeling the way I was.
“Let’s just play it by ear. If it’s quiet, I’ll head off early.”
“Sounds like a plan. Right then, what do you need me to do, Boss?”
I watched as Jenna scrunched up her face in protest. She hated being called Boss, or Ms. McLaren, or really anything other than Jenna. It wasn’t weird, just who she was.
“Everything’s pretty much done.”
“Oh.” I’ll confess I was slightly disappointed. With so many thoughts bouncing around in my head, I needed to keep my idle hands busy. If I was busy, I wouldn’t have time to over analyse and fret, something I was a gold medallist in.
“Actually, can you go check on him?”
Jenna pointed to the dark and dingy corner of the room and my eyes followed her finger. The moment I spied the man hunkered over in the shadows, I forgot to breathe. Coughing and spluttering, I straightened my back in the same moment Jenna slapped my back.
“You right there?”
Grabbing a glass from the tray, I quickly poured myself some water and downed it. “Yep,” I assured her breathlessly.
Fuck me, I was an embarrassment.
Taking a few deep, calming breaths, I settled myself again, before swiping a rag from the counter and stepping out from behind the safety of the bar. “How long’s he been here?”
“Couple of hours.”
“Shit.”
Making my way over to where Nate sat, I could feel the tension radiating from him. He had a dirty baseball cap pulled low over his eyes, and a couple of days’ worth of stubble covering his jaw. The plaid shirt hung open over a grey t-shirt and I felt a tingle sweep through my body as I remembered the way the hard muscles of his chest felt beneath my fingers.
“Hey Nate,” I heard my voice tremble.
He didn’t look up. Instead he picked up his glass, swished the amber liquid around, the ice cubes clinking against the glass before he tossed it down in one mouthful. When he dropped the glass back on the table, he rubbed his hand across his face roughly and sighed.
“Need anything?”
It took a moment, but when he raised his eyes and looked at me from under the brim of his cap, I would have sworn my heart shattered. He looked worse than I felt, and that was saying something. His red-rimmed eyes physically caused me pain.
He stared straight through me. It was unnerving, like nothing I’d ever encountered before. “Nothing you can help me with,” he slurred.
Well, if that wasn’t a kick in the guts, nothing was. I wanted to call him out as an asshole. Not just for the way he dismissed me now, but for everything I’d been through over the last couple of weeks. I was more than aware that I was the one who’d run out in the rain, but it pissed me off he hadn’t even bothered to chase me. Not that night and not since.
“Okay then.”
I spun on my heel and stomped back to bar. He might have looked like shit, but that gave him no right to treat me like it. Damn, that guy got under my skin and pissed me off.
For the next two hours I busied myself behind the bar, restocking the spirits and swapping the keg. As much as I tried to ignore him while he sulked in the corner, when I wasn’t forcing myself to concentrate on anything else, my eyes drifted over and locked on him. I couldn’t help it. And I hated myself for it.
Another hour passed and he hadn’t moved. I’d seen Jenna fill a tumbler with bourbon and deliver it to him a couple of times, but not once did she ask me to…something I was extremely grateful for.
I was trying not to look. Really I was, but when he stumbled out of his chair, I found myself at his side, with my arm wrapped around his waist, holding him up.
“What are you doing?” I scolded him like he was a naughty child. He was lucky I didn’t smack his ass.
“Need to piss.”
“Charming. Come on.” I half carried, half dragged him towards the bathroom “Are you okay from here?”
Asshole didn’t answer me. Instead he rolled his eyes at me and pulled away, stepping through the bathroom door. I wanted to slap him up the side of the head, but somehow kept my hands buried in my pockets.
Ten minutes later I was still leaning against the door frame, picking my nails, waiting for him to re-emerge. When Jenna waved at me, I just called out across the bar. Another five minutes and I became worried. More worried than I should have been about a customer. Every excuse that my brain could dream up was buzzing about inside my head. A few more lonely moments and I couldn’t stand there a moment longer. I was going in.
Pushing open the door, I couldn’t believe what I saw. The man, the one I’d met, the one who’d put me on the back of his motorbike and shot off into the night, the man who came across full of arrogance, was slumped on the dirty floor, his head in his hands, hyperventilating. When he lifted his eyes and met mine, I felt like I’d been physically punched in the stomach. I started struggling for breath as I watched the undisturbed tears stream down his face.
“Nate?” I barely recognised my own voice as it cracked.
He never broke eye contact with me. Slowly and deliberately I moved towards him, taking anxious steps. I didn’t even care that I was in the men’s bathroom, almost gagging on the stench. My whole concern, my whole focus was on the man blubbering on the floor.
“Hey. Want to get up off the floor and I’ll take you home?”
The words were out of my mouth before I knew what I was offering. I didn’t have to take him home, in fact I was supposed to be behind the bar serving drinks, not babysitting a customer. But Nate wasn’t just any customer. I wasn’t exactly sure what he was. All I knew was I couldn’t bear to see him like this.
I stuck my hand out and hoped he’d take it.
For a long, moment I stood there feeling like a complete idiot. I was in the men’s bathroom, having a one way conversation with a man who was obviously beyond fucked up, with my hand stuck out in front of me hopefully. I couldn’t bring myself to move away, though. I couldn’t turn my back on him. I don’t know what it was that broke him and I didn’t need to. Right now, I just needed to get him up off the floor and back in his own home.
“Please, Nate. Let me take you home?” I begged.
It took a moment. It felt like an eternity. The moment Nate’s damp palm settled in mine, I heard myself exhale a breath I hadn’t even realised I’d been holding. Pulling him to his feet, the moment Nate was steady and balanced, he wrapped his arms around me and crushed me against him. When he buried his face against my neck, I felt the damp tears against my neck and squeezed him even tighter. How could I not? He obviously needed something, someone, and I was there. I just had to steel my heart and not let my head believe this was anything more than it was. An innocent hug between friends.
When he pulled back, I looked into his bloodshot eyes, and when his breathed out, the bourbon on his breath made me want to gag. He was pissed and upset and gross. Not a good combination. Reaching down, I laced my fingers through his, and led him out of the bathroom. Jenna saw us and took in the scene, before offering me an understanding nod. Ducking into the office, I grabbed my bag and headed for the door. Nate was copying my every step.
As we passed the bar, I let Jenna know where I was going. “I’m just running Nate home.”
“Okay.”
I knew she’d have questions when I got back. Hell, I had a million questions right now, but first things first. I had to get Nate home in one piece. I just wasn’t sure I’d make it back the same way.
Without another word, I led Nate through the bar and outside. I wasn’t sure where the wind had come from, but it was blowing a gale. A wayward plastic caught around my leg and I struggled to kick it away. As quickly as I could, I shuffled Nate to the front seat and buckled him in. Honestly it was like dealing with an overgrown toddler, only heavier. Slamming the door, I ran around, diving into the driver’s seat and turning the key.
We’d barely made it out of the car park when, Nate’s gravelly voice caught my attention. “I’m sorry.”
He stared out the window silently the whole ride. With his forehead pressed against the glass panel of the window and over the sad country song playing on the radio, I could hear sobs. I was dying to talk to him. To ask if he was all right. Ask what the hell was wrong, it just didn’t seem like he wanted to talk about it. He’d talk when he was ready. At least I hoped he would. For now, I’d just concentrate on getting us both home in one piece while dodging the kangaroos, which seemed to have appeared from nowhere and were bouncing around in front of the car.
Nate hiccupped on his cry and it destroyed me. I’d been broken before, more times than I cared to admit, but seeing a fully grown man trying to make himself look so small was soul-destroying. It was a sight I knew I’d never be able to forget, no matter how desperately I tried.
Needing to say something, I reached out, resting my palm on his thigh. When he shuddered at the contact, I went to pull back, not trying to make him feel any more uncomfortable than he already was. Instead, Nate’s fingers wrapped themselves around mine and held me firm. “No need to apologise,” I squeaked out, embarrassed by my trembling voice.
Turning the corner, I could see Nate’s house up ahead, looking anything but inviting. Sure it was a beautiful house and he’d done an amazing job restoring it, or what I’d seen of it so far, but tonight it loomed up ahead, large and lonely. Probably the last place in the world Nate needed to be right now. I felt my stomach twist with anxiety as we pulled closer, and I don’t think I was the only one. Nate’s already tight grasp squeezed harder, and I wasn’t game enough to look down at my fingertips. I didn’t know how I was supposed to pull into the driveway, watch him stumble his way to the door, fumble his key in the lock, then turn my back and drive away. I might be a bitch ninety-nine percent of the time, and I was still mighty pissed about everything Nate had done over the past couple of weeks, and my insane attraction to him, yet I knew I wasn’t that callous. Even if I wanted to walk away and leave him alone, I couldn’t. Not tonight. Not like this.
Once I parked in the drive, I killed the engine and slipped off my seatbelt.
“Are you right to get yourself inside?” I asked, not knowing what else to do. The car was stopped, the lights were off, yet Nate had made no attempt to move. Truth be told, he was starting to fucking scare me. This was the sort of shit Mia was great at dealing with. And Derek. This was basically his job. Me, on the other hand, I had no clue what the hell I was doing.
I felt it in my stomach before it registered against my hand. Nate was rubbing his thumb back and forth across my knuckles. I hated that his simple touch turned me to mush. I hated that it made me want to grab him by the collar and yank him into the backseat and kiss that god damn frown from his lips.
“Please, Nate,” I begged breathlessly. “Say something. Anything”
When he looked up at me with those huge, desperate, desolate eyes, I wish I hadn’t asked. They were still leaking tears, which continued to run down his cheeks before getting lost in the stubble I was itching to run my fingers through.
“I…I…can’t,” he gasped as the pain consumed him once again. He sounded like he was choking on his words. His face scrunched up and his hand clasped mine so tightly I couldn’t hold back the whimper. “I’m sorry, Josie. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to…”
“Stop, Nate! Just stop! You didn’t hurt me, I’m fine. But you’re not. So we’re going to sit here until you tell me what’s going on, because I can’t let you go in that house the way you are.”
I hadn’t meant to get snappy, but I didn’t know what else to do. I’d tried being nice. I’d tried being supportive. Hell, I’d even tried being quiet and letting him open up when he was ready, yet none of it worked. Nothing made him cave. So now I had my bitchy pants on.
“I don’t know what you want me to say,” he confessed sadly.
“The truth, Nate. Just tell me the truth.”
“I don’t know…”
“You’ve got to tell someone.”
Nate nodded, and stupidly I thought that this was the moment he was going to open up and spill his secrets. How frigging naïve was I? Instead he held my hand, dropped his head back against the headrest, and let his eyes close. For what felt like forever I stared out the windscreen at the inky night sky above my head. There wasn’t a cloud as far as the eye could see, and the stars lit up the world. I couldn’t help it when a snicker bubbled up.
“What are you laughing at?”
Embarrassed by not only my immaturity, but also the fact I’d been caught, I quickly answered. “Nothing.”
“Please, Josie, tell me.”
“You really want to know?” I was surprised as hell. I was sitting here waiting for Nate to gather the strength he needed to talk to me, and I was giggling like an idiot. Damn, I needed to find some friends my own age and soon. Hanging out with Matilda all the time had me acting her age instead of my own.
“Yeah.”
“Well…” I shifted in my seat so I was looking directly at him. My movement must have caught him off guard, because the stunned look on his face was priceless. Part of me wished I could reach my phone to snap a photo, but I knew if I did, the moment would be lost. “I was sitting here, staring up at the sky and all the stars, and all I could think about was The Lion King.”
“The Lion King?”
“So whenever you feel alone, just remember that those kings will always be there to guide you. And so will I.”
“Oh thank god!”
“What?”
“I thought you were going to say, that you thought they were balls of gas.”
“Balls of gas?”
“Pumba.”
“Ah.” How the hell we got onto this topic I’ll never know, but at least the heaviness was lessened. Even if it was only a little bit, I’d take what I could get.
“Do you really believe that?”
“Believe what?”
“That when people die, they become stars in the sky. Up there to guide us?”
Now it was my turn to be caught off guard. “I don’t know,” I answered honestly. I wasn’t sure what I really believed in. So many things I thought I believed in had been shattered. What was left, I didn’t even know these days.
“I hope it’s true.”
After a long pregnant pause, I wasn’t sure why, but I found myself whispering, “Me too.”
Then the silence enveloped us again. This time though, it was different. It wasn’t serious and it wasn’t sad. It was thoughtful. Like we were both lost in our own heads. Just needing a moment to find a direction or a little sliver of peace.
I opened my mouth to speak, but before the words had a chance to come out, Nate’s deep voice shocked me. It was deep and steady and completely caught me off guard. “Today is my son’s second birthday.”
Well, fuck me sideways.