Nate
It felt so fucking good to say it out loud. My son. I don’t know the last time I’d been able to. Not once since I’d moved here, that’s for sure. And not for a long time before that. It just hurt too much. Just because I didn’t talk about Samuel, it didn’t mean I didn’t think about him. I thought about him every fucking second of every fucking day. Wishing he was here beside me. Wishing I got to hear him call me Dad for the first time. Knowing me, I would have bawled my eyes out as the word toppled off his tongue. Wishing I could watch him take his first steps, undoubtedly on shaky legs. I missed everything. And I fucking hated it.
I knew today was going to be hard. But there was no way I could have prepared myself for it to be this hard. This was another level of hell. I don’t know who I pissed off or how, all I knew was I wished I could undo it all.
Sighing heavily, I opened my eyes, expecting to see judgment on Josie’s face. Fuck, I deserved it. I’d been a complete ass to her and she had no idea why. She didn’t deserve it. I wouldn’t blame her if she wanted to kick my ass. I wanted to kick my ass. Thankfully, I was sitting down when my eyes found hers. They were devoid of judgment but instead filled with what I could only imagine was sadness. It made sense really. She had a kid. She got it. Yet at the same time she had no clue. None whatsoever. And I hoped to God she never did.
“What was his name?”
It was a simple question. A simple fucking question. One I couldn’t answer. Suddenly everything was wrong. There wasn’t enough air. My collar was too tight. I couldn’t breathe. My chest felt like it was burning. I was gasping for air. Opening the car door, I tried to throw myself from the tiny, suffocating enclosed space. Something was restraining me. I couldn’t break free.
“Nate! Nate!” I could hear the echo of my name but I couldn’t place it. It was too far away. Sweat was gathering on my forehead, yet at the same time I was covered in goose pimples. This whole thing felt way too familiar. I’d been here before.
My stomach turned over and the bitter tasting bile scorched my throat as I forced it back down. This time. I was sure I wouldn’t be so lucky next time. Next time it would erupt and nothing I could do would stop it.
“Nate!” Fingers grabbed my face and held it steady.
Closing my eyes, I breathed in through my nose and held it before letting it go. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. Each beat hurt. It was all too much. Too fucking much.
“Let me go!” I screamed, tugging furiously at my restraints.
Whack!
My whole left cheek felt like it was going to explode. Shaking it off, I could still feel the sting. When I managed to get my shit together, well, as good as I could in this moment, I saw Josie looking back at me, horrified.
“I’m sorry, Nate. I’m so sorry.” I had no idea what she was apologizing for, but she looked like she was about to cry. I didn’t want that. I was hurting enough, there was no need for her to be suffering too.
Seeing her like that calmed me down instantly. I don’t know why, and I don’t know how, maybe it was because my focus was on Josie rather than my own pity party, but I hated it. What was worse, if it could get even worse, I could only assume it was my own fault. I was responsible. It had to be. Just another perfect thing I fucked up. Another person who’d suffered because of me. Fuck, I was an asshole.
Unbuckling my seatbelt, I yanked her into my lap and crushed her against me. It felt so good. She was warm and soft and smelt like heaven. We sat there, curled against one another, using each other. I wasn’t stupid enough to imagine it was anything more than comfort she was offering, and right now, sitting in her car in the dark, I doubted I could offer her anything more. A hug though, that I could do.
Her phone beeped and disrupted the moment. It was enough for me to burp. Right in her face. I’m surprised she didn’t slap me. Again. She should have. I would have if I were her. I didn’t have a chance to worry about it, though. The stench that wafted from my mouth, a disgusting combination of bourbon and greasy fries, filled the cabin, and it was enough to push me over the edge. Tossing Josie from my lap roughly, I sprang from the car, landing on my hands and knees, where I emptied my stomach into the bushes.
I don’t know how long I was crouched there. All I knew was by the time I found my feet, with the help of Josie, I felt lightheaded and gross. I wanted a shower. I needed one. Like now.
Before I had the chance to wobble my way to the door, Josie was there guiding me. This woman was a fucking saint. Or a sucker for punishment. I hadn’t quite decided which yet. Taking the keys from my hand, she opened the door, flicked on the light, and led me straight towards the bathroom. The moment we stepped inside, I knew Josie regretted it. I could feel her whole body stiffen beneath my grasp. I wanted to make it better, take away her unease, but that would have to wait until tomorrow. That was future Nate’s problem. Right now, this Nate needed a shower.
We made it to the bathroom and Josie froze at the door. “You going to be okay in there by yourself?”
“Yeah.”
I didn’t mean to lie, I just hated seeing the unease on her face.
“Okay.”
“You going now?”
I didn’t want her to. In fact, that was the last thing I wanted. I couldn’t ask her to stay. I had no place to do that. She wasn’t mine. She didn’t owe me anything. It didn’t mean I didn’t want her to, though.
Indecision flickered in her eyes. Even through my drunken haze, I caught it. “Um…I was going to wait just until you’re out. If that’s okay.”
I don’t know what made me do it. It was like I couldn’t stop myself. I leant forward and kissed her cheek. I wanted to do more, but I’d just spent the better part of ten minutes in the dirt vomiting violently. “Stay, Josie.”
Shocked. The only word to describe it. Completely and utterly shocked.
I don’t think she trusted herself to speak. Instead she nodded mutely and stepped back. “I’ll be out here if you need anything. Don’t lock the door.”
“Plan on joining me?”
“What? No. I just don’t need you falling over and hitting your head…”
“Breathe, Jo. I was just kidding. Thanks for hanging around and well…you know, everything else.”
“Anytime, Nate.” She shut the door between us and I heard it click. Before I could stop them my fingers were reaching out to flick the lock, but at the last moment, Josie’s plea replayed in my mind. She’d asked me not to lock it, so I wouldn’t. For her.
Staring at the door like an idiot, I was surprised how sober I suddenly felt. I couldn’t be sure if it was the weight of my confession that lightened the load, or the purging my garden had just endured. Either way, it didn’t matter. All I wanted to do now was wash the day off me and climb into bed until it was over.
Shuffling over to the sink, I toed off my shoes and socks before unbuckling my belt. When I noticed my reflection in the mirror, I was embarrassed by what I saw. Even through my blurry vision, I couldn’t miss the bloodshot eyes, unkempt scruff on my chin, and the colour of my skin was freaky. How the hell did I convince Josie to come home with me? She was too damn good for me. Dropping my jeans, I tried to kick them off, but my anger and frustration got the better of me and I started to topple backwards. I was grateful I’d sobered enough to have the reflexes to reach out and grab the counter, but not before sending everything that was on it scattering to the ground.
“What the…”
Josie burst through the door, obviously frazzled.
“It’s nothing,” I denied, completely embarrassed. I was standing in my bathroom, pants around my ankles, mess everywhere, looking like shit, and smelling worse. Then here Josie was all pure and amazing worrying about me. Fuck! She was too good for me.
“Nate…”
I knew that tone. I hated that tone. It was one filled with warning. “Josie, I’m fine.” I didn’t mean to snap at her, I just couldn’t help it.
“Fuck you, Nate. Enough!” Well, if I thought I’d snapped, then she’d just fucking exploded like a volcano. “I’m going to help you get your disgusting, drunk ass in the shower. Then you’re going to get dressed and come and have a cup of coffee with me, and we are going to have a little chat.”
I opened my mouth to tell her to fuck off, I could feel it coming, but the look she shot me silenced me instantly.
Too stunned to move, I remained frozen as Josie stomped into my bathroom and dropped to her knees in front of me. I wished I was cooler. I wished I wasn’t such a fucking guy. I couldn’t help it. And I sure as shit couldn’t stop it. As she untangled my jeans from around my ankles, I was left standing in a shirt and my grey boxer briefs. I hadn’t planned on anyone seeing me in them. And only in my dreams had I imagined Josie on her knees in front of me again. I’d had her in my kitchen, and I’d lost track of how many times I’d imagined her in this exact same position while I’d taken myself in my hand. I hardened at the memory.
“Nate…” Her voice was deep and didn’t help my growing situation.
Rising to her feet, Josie ignored what was right in front of her face. While I’ll admit I was disappointed, I couldn’t say I blamed her. A moment later my shirt was gone, the shower was steaming up the room, and I was staring straight in her eyes.
“I-I got it from here,” I stuttered.
This wasn’t going to work while Josie was in here. I needed some privacy.
“Okay,” she relented, scooping up my vomit-covered clothes like it was nothing. “I’ll go boil the kettle. Get cleaned up. Then we’ll talk.”
“We don’t have to.”
“Yes, Nate. We do.”
Well shit!
After cleaning my teeth twice, I shaved, and shampooed my hair before rinsing off and stepping out. I knew I was dragging my feet, but I couldn’t make myself move any faster. My buzz had worn off and now I was just tired. Crawling into bed and blocking out the world until morning sounded perfect. Hanging the towel back on the rack, I pulled open the door and stepped into the hall. It wasn’t until I heard Josie’s aggravated voice filtering through the house that I remembered I was buck naked and not alone. Scurrying as quickly as I could, I stepped into my bedroom and grabbed a pair of crumpled sweat pants and a soft cotton shirt.
Running my hand through my hair, I stepped up to face the music. Fuck, this was not going to be fun. I think I’d rather have a back, sack, and crack wax than have this conversation. Shame it wasn’t an option.
As I rounded the corner I saw a sight I knew I could get used to. Josie was leaning against the kitchen counter, both hands cradling a steaming mug while she stared blankly out at the night. She was obviously deep in thought. I tried to keep quiet as I snuck in and grabbed my own mug. The clatter of the teaspoon against the side of the cup made her jump.
“Shit, Nate! You scared the crap out of me!”
When she’d jumped in fright, the hot coffee had splashed over the rim, coating her t-shirt. My first thought was she should take it off. I wish I could say that it was in her own best interest that she do it, but it was in mine too. Even through the black polo I could see the way the fabric pulled tight across her boobs, and it had me imagining what she was wearing beneath it. Were they covered in black lace or pure white satin? Forcing down a mouthful of the foul coffee, it was black and strong, and I was usually a white with two kinda guy, it brought my attention back to the issue at hand.
Placing my cup in the sink, I grabbed a nearby tea towel, and before I could stop myself, I was wiping at the damp material. I heard Josie’s breath hitch, and when I looked up and met her eyes, they were no longer the sapphire I’d come to adore, but instead dark with what I hoped was lust. At least if I pretended it was lust, then I knew I wasn’t the only one having those thoughts.
After a few more swipes, Josie wrapped her tiny fingers around my wrist, holding it firm. “I’m good. Thanks.” Her voice was deep and husky, and it had me wishing I’d taken the extra thirty seconds to pull on underwear beneath my sweat pants. Unrestrained, everything below my navel was taking on a life of its own. One I couldn’t control.
“You heading back to work?”
“No.”
Huh? I was stunned. I was sure she was just hanging around until I seemed steady enough to be left unattended. Hell, if anything, it was safer for her if she left now. God knows how long I’d be able to keep my hands to myself. “Why not?”
“Jenna told me to stay.”
“Oh.”
Based on the pained look that snuck over her face, that was the wrong answer. I hadn’t meant it like it sounded, but women were painful like that. Every grunt and groan got overanalysed and scrutinised intently. In this case, all it meant was I had no fucking idea what I was supposed to say to that. Was I glad she was staying? Fuck yeah. Did I have a clue why? Nope. Was I going to ask her to leave? Not even if hell froze over.
“I can go…”
“No!” Wow! My mouth had a mind of its own tonight. Just like my cock. And both were adamant Josie should stay. Her kissable lips fell open and I’m almost positive she gasped. Or maybe it was me. Who the hell knew. Pulling my head out of my ass was an effort, but one I needed to make quickly if I had any hope of convincing her to give me the time of day. “What I mean is, don’t go. Please.” I sounded like a whiny school girl, but I didn’t give a shit.
“You want me to stay?”
“I want you to stay.”
“O-okay.”
I could hear the hesitation in her voice as uncertainty flickered in her eyes, but she didn’t make a move to leave. “If I’m staying, do you have a shirt or something I can change into?”
Fuck yeah I did! Even the idea of Josie in my clothes made my breath catch and I was forced to swallow down the urge to beat my chest like a damn caveman. “Give me a second.” As quickly as I could I strode into my room and found a hoodie in the pile. After a quick sniff test to make sure it was clean, I scooped up the rest of the pile, and stuffed them in the bottom of the cupboard before straightening the comforter. Some days I may act like a slob, still that didn’t mean Josie had to witness it. It wasn’t until I was back in the kitchen that it occurred to me what I’d just done. I’d cleaned my room. I had a woman in my house, who would shortly be wearing my clothes, the makings of a semi in my pants, and I’d cleaned my room. Not trusting myself to speak, I handed Josie the sweatshirt, and when our fingers touched, even for the briefest moment, I felt like something smacked me in the centre of my chest.
“Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.” I wasn’t exactly sure where these manners had come from. Although I was not normally rude, yet there was something about Josie that made me want to be better. Sure, I still wanted to throw her over my shoulder, take her into my room, and not let either of us out until we were completely satisfied, but it was more than that. I wanted to see her smile. I wanted to know what made her tick. More than anything else though, I wanted to know what made her run.
“I’m just going to get changed, then you’re going to tell me what tonight was all about.”
“Any chance you could just forget about it?”
Tilting her head to the side, her ponytail swished as she shook her head slightly. “Can you?”
My jaw fell open but no words came out. My dick deflated and suddenly all the dirty thoughts that’d been buzzing around in my head vanished as reality filtered back in. I didn’t want to do this. It was going to fucking hurt. Like childbirth hurt. Not that I’d ever been through that, but I’d heard enough women bitching about it to know it wasn’t pleasant. Well, either was this.
I watched as she retreated into my house, and when I heard the bathroom door click, I grabbed the bottle of vodka from the freezer and poured myself a couple of fingers. Yeah, I was well aware that I’d barely sobered up and I was already going back for more, but there was no way in hell I’d be able to do this sober. Vodka was my antiseptic tonight. Gulping it down in one mouthful, I stuffed the bottle back where it’d come from and rinsed the glass before Josie returned. The moment I refilled my glass with orange juice I felt like an idiot. I was a grown man, in his own home. If I wanted to get smashed or have a drink then no one else’s opinion mattered. Well, at least it shouldn’t. But it did. More than it should.
Grabbing my glass and a block of chocolate I wandered into the lounge room, clicking on the lamp. If I thought I’d get away with it, I’d have left the lights off completely and sat in the dark as I bared my soul. I just didn’t think Josie would appreciate it. Settling into the lounge, I picked at my nails while I waited for her.
Even though it was probably only a minute, it felt like a lifetime. I could hear the blood moving around my body and felt my pulse in my fingertips. I shouldn’t be this on edge. I couldn’t shake it.
“Hurry up! Hurry up!” I chanted to myself.
“I’m sorry,” Josie apologised. Coming into the room, her very presence sucked the air out. She’d washed her face and gone was the makeup mask of someone trying to hide something. I knew girls caked that shit on thinking it made them more attractive or would hide the flaws, but really it was the flaws that made them beautiful. At least in my eyes. Yet it was my own hoodie that had me stunned. It fell down around her ass, and she’d rolled the arms up so her hands were free. Suddenly my mouth was as dry as the desert and all speech was gone.
While I was sitting there with my mouth hanging open like a guppy, Josie kicked off her shoes, and settled into the lounge, tucking her feet up under her. The moment she pulled the blanket from the back and draped it across her lap, I heard the groan pass my lips. She’d settled in. Flashes danced in my vision of many nights spent cuddled up under that blanket in front of the fire with some stupid kid-friendly movie on the flat screen while Matilda sat on the floor. Holy crap! I was envisioning a life with not just Josie, but with her daughter. Like a family. Something I swore I’d never go near. Not again.
I don’t know how long we sat there staring at each other, I just know I couldn’t tear my gaze away. “So…” Josie’s soft voice broke the silence. “Where’s your son, Nate?”
It was like a sucker punch to the solar plexus. It knocked the air straight out of me and I was suddenly in the midst of a coughing fit. A seemingly innocuous question barrelled me over.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” I spluttered.
Once I regained control, Josie looked at me questioningly. I knew she was waiting for an answer, but I just couldn’t. “Going to tell me why you ran?”
“Nice deflection.”
“Thanks.”
“You really want to know?”
“Yeah. I mean, I know your parents are assholes and they said some pretty shitty things to you, but you have to know that’s them, not you. You’re not the slut you seem to think you are.” She winced at the word and I found myself wishing I had a filter sometimes.
“It’s more than that.”
“Tell me.”
“Nate…”
“Please,” I hastily added.
“If I do, are you going to tell me? Why should I spill my guts unless you’re going to do the same?”
Fuck it! She was like a dog with a bone. There was no way she was letting this go. Before I had the chance to change my mind I found myself nodding in agreement. “Fine.”
“I don’t hate my parents. I hate them for not knowing Matilda. She’s a great kid and she’s missing out on having grandparents all because they can’t get past this. She deserves better. But luckily she has Derek and Mia, who love her like she was their own…”
“And an amazing mother.” I hadn’t planned on interrupting her, but she seemed like she needed reminding that she was doing an incredible job. Sure, I’d only seen Matilda a handful of times, but I’d seen hundreds of kids, and I could spot the ones who weren’t getting the love and attention they craved. With Josie as her mother, Matilda thankfully would never be one of them.
“Thanks. I try, you know, but it’s just me. I can’t give her everything she needs, and it’s only going to get harder. I mean, she’s happy now, but I’m just a part-time bartender. What sort of life can I provide for her? Really. And once she goes to school I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t want to be the type of parent who sends their kids to school all day, then go to work all night at some seedy bar. I want more than that. More for her. I’m all she’s got and she’s missing out.”
I noticed the fat tear that rolled down her cheek. Before I could stop myself, I was out of the chair and beside her, settling her into my lap. As soon as I did, regret flooded me. It felt like she was exactly where she belonged. Her shoulders trembled against me as she struggled to contain her emotions…a battle she was quickly losing.
“Keep going,” I whispered against her temple before placing a soft kiss there.
“Isn’t that enough? That I’m failing my daughter.” Josie hiccupped and my heart shattered for her. It was obvious she believed it.
“You’re not, and we will come back to it, but right now I feel like there’s something more you need to get off your chest. So keep going.”
“There’s no more.”
“Don’t lie, Jos. I can see it in your eyes. Tell me. What’s got you so scared? I’ve got you, pretty girl, I’m not going to let you fall.”
At my words, Josie buried her head in the crook of my neck and let go. Within seconds my shirt was damp from her tears and she shook violently. All I could do was sit there, hold on, and rub her back. Something was hurting her, something she needed to get out. Let go of. And I’d sit here like this all damned night if that’s what it took. Right now, with her in my arms, I doubted there was anything I wouldn’t do to help her.
After a while, her breathing evened out and she pulled back. Her cheeks were rosy and her eyes glassy, yet I couldn’t remember ever seeing someone so beautiful. She was so vulnerable in my arms, and even though I felt her try to wriggle from my lap, I held firm. She wasn’t going anywhere. Not this moment. Not tonight. Maybe not ever.
“Talk to me. Tell me the rest,” I encouraged.
“You’ll think I’m a basketcase.”
“Sweetheart, pretty sure I’m the one who should be worried about being embarrassed. Remember all the crying and vomiting? Yep, that was me. I’ll let you know when you catch up.” I tried to keep it light, make her smile. I wanted nothing more than to see her beautiful, carefree smile again. A pained smirk was as much as I got. But I took it. Anything was better than nothing.
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. When she exhaled, her babbling began again. “I’m a mess. I can’t give my daughter a future. And I have to do it all alone. No one’s ever going to want me, I’m a failure. I couldn’t even figure out what I wanted to do, so I have no skills, now I’m too old. I can’t lose this damn baby weight and my boobs won’t shrink. Matilda’s father won’t acknowledge her existence. And I know he’s missing out, but so’s she. She deserves the best and that’s not me. Who’s going to want an uneducated, fat single mother who can’t even get her shit together enough to move out of her sister’s house?”
Wow! I know I’d asked, I just never thought that’s what I’d get. Clearly this woman was delusional. She wasn’t a failure. Sure, she had her fair share of challenges, but she was still here and doing a phenomenal job. I couldn’t believe she couldn’t see that. It pissed me off. Her parents must have done a real number on her convincing her that she was nothing.
“Josie…”
“You don’t have to say anything, Nate. Really. I just…you asked and I had to tell you the truth. For some reason, I believe you won’t judge me for it. I’m not entirely sure why, I just know I don’t…”
The woman wouldn’t shut up. She was rambling and squirming, trying to get out of my arms. Not. Fucking. Happening. I did the only thing I could think of to pull herself out of her own head. Slamming down my lips over hers, it took a moment, but I felt her deflate in my arms. The fight evaporating out of her. Then she was kissing me back, tugging on my hair, and pressing herself against me. As much as it pained me to end it, I knew now was not the time. There would definitely be a time, but now was not it. Not when so many emotions were so raw.
“My son, Samuel, he’s with my wife.”