Chapter 1

One month later

“Mommy?”

For a moment, Holly thought she was dreaming. She was half-awake, the room swimming hazily into focus around her, and Maddy was calling to her. In the dream she had yet to let go, they were at the park – all of them. She watched Tommy push Maddy on a swing as she squealed in delight – higher and higher…

And then, all at once, he was clutching at his throat, his hands painted red by a gushing spray of blood. He sank to his knees as Maddy called for her frantically – Mommy! Mommy!

“Mommy.”

With a start, Holly jolted back to full consciousness. Her daughter was indeed calling her. Maddy stood by the side of the bed – a tiny, pale figure with her long dark hair hanging around her face. She looked so much like her father that every time Holly gazed at her daughter, she felt her heart twist in her chest.

The little girl’s eyes were large and green in the early morning light, her thin arms wrapped around herself as she shivered. “Mommy, I’m cold.”

Holly immediately sat up, rubbing her eyes to clear them as she glanced at the alarm clock on the bedside table. It was half past six – Maddy would need to get up for school in an hour. With a sigh, she reached towards her daughter. “Honey, I turned the thermostat up last night before we went to bed. It’s sweltering in here.”

Indeed it was. Miami never got really cold, but in the few weeks since her father’s death, Maddy kept insisting she was freezing. Holly, concerned for her health, had taken her to the doctor a number of times, but no physician told her anything was wrong. A few even suggested that the problem was more psychological than physical – and the beads of sweat on the young mother’s forehead were proof enough of that.

But what could she do? Maddy had just lost her father. If she, as Maddy’s only parent, insisted that her daughter’s concerns were just in her head, what effect would that have on her?

Lord knew Maddy had already been through more than enough in the past month – there was no need to escalate things. Especially not when Holly herself was so exhausted.

Though she intended to draw Maddy into her embrace, the little girl stepped back out of reach, her gaze still intent on her mother. “I’m cold.” She repeated, before turning on her heel and leaving the room without another word.

Maddy stared after her, her throat strangely thick with grief.

Madison hadn’t let her mother touch her since the day of Tommy’s funeral. In fact, she let almost no one touch her, pulling away to disappear to God knew where the moment anyone came near her.

She was no longer the bubbly, laughing little girl she had been before her father died, and Holly had no idea how she would go about helping her daughter heal – especially when she was still raw from the pain of his loss.

As she slipped from the bed, Holly winced at the twinge of discomfort around her abdomen. During her last doctor’s visit, she learned that she was healing well, despite all odds. She still had to wear bandages tight about her belly and worry about the occasional spot of blood, but, all in all, she was lucky.

Or, at least, that was what the doctors told her.

Holly remembered very little of what happened after her husband died. Tommy’s death replayed in an endless loop every time she closed her exhausted eyes, but trying to recall what occurred afterward was completely beyond her. Doctors told her that she was rushed to the ER with massive hemorrhaging – that the knife wounds inflicted upon her had come dangerously close to puncturing vital organs.

But she was saved. Her wounds would heal, and her life would continue.

But Tommy was dead – torn from her before his thirtieth birthday.

Holly shuffled her way to the bathroom to splash cold water on her face. When she looked into the mirror, she barely recognized the woman who stared back at her. There were dark circles under brown eyes that used to be vibrant and full of life. Her mahogany waves seemed to have lost all their luster, and she must have lost a good fifteen pounds in the past two weeks alone.

Her face was gaunt, her shoulders drawn, and she felt the thick swathe of bandages around her midsection as if they were made of pure lead, dragging her down towards the earth.

Everything was all wrong. She shouldn’t have put her husband in the ground – shouldn’t be having so many sleepless nights. She shouldn’t be wondering if there were more specific doctors Madison should be seeing, and she shouldn’t wake up every morning wondering whether it might not have been better if she hadn’t.

This was completely unlike her. When Tommy was alive, she had always been the optimistic one. When he was down in the dumps, she always helped him find the light at the end of the tunnel and convinced him that things weren’t the end for them.

Right up until the very end.

With a groan, Holly leaned forward to cover her face with her hands, her long hair curtaining around her neck and shoulders.

When would this nightmare be over? She just wanted to wake up and have things the way they were – but instead, it seemed like each day only brought more pain.

And there was no end in sight.

Even though Holly made breakfast for Maddy, she barely touched anything on her plate. The young mother was tempted to call the school and ensure that her daughter was eating the lunches they served there, but as Maddy didn’t appear to have lost any weight, it was clear that she just shunned her meals at home.

It was all Holly could do to get her daughter to kiss her goodbye before she sent her out to the school bus – and the moment it and Madison were out of sight, she sat down at the kitchen table and let herself have a good cry.

It wasn’t the first, and it certainly wouldn’t be the last.

The entire house was practically a shrine to her late husband. Holly knew that, eventually, she would have to give away his things or put them into storage, and the notion only made her cry harder. Getting rid of Tommy’s things would mean letting him go, and she wasn’t sure she was ready to do that just yet. The truth was that every morning when Holly woke up, she somehow expected Tommy to be right beside her, just as he had always been.

And when he wasn’t, it killed her.

When the doorbell rang, Holly straightened slightly, stifling her sobs to small hiccups. She wiped tears furiously from her eyes with the flats of her hands as she tried to compose herself. She was in no mood for visitors, but it seemed like everyone she knew stopped by constantly to check on her. If she didn’t answer, they might do something rash.

Slowly, Holly rose from the table, raking her hair back from her face. She cleared her throat before making her way through the kitchen and toward the foyer of the small house. As the tinny, metallic bell brayed again, she winced.

Tommy had always hated their doorbell – but he died before he made good on his promise to install a new one.

Taking a deep breath, Holly flung the door open.

On her threshold stood a slim, stunningly gorgeous blonde figure, her blue eyes dark with concern. She was dressed in her work uniform – crisp black slacks, heels, and a button-up shirt with the Tommy’s logo emblazoned across the right breast pocket. The sight of it was almost enough for Holly to start the waterworks anew.

“Oh, honey.”

Sweeping into the house, the blonde shut the door behind her before enveloping Holly in her warm, gentle embrace. She was careful of Holly’s wounds, and rocked her back and forth slightly as her breath hitched on the edge of another outburst. “Are you OK? I came to see if you were OK.”

Holly was most certainly not. “Kelly…” Though she told herself that she wasn’t going to cry – that she couldn’t drive her best friend insane with worry, it seemed her very volatile emotions had other plans.

She brought her arms up to cling tightly to Kelly as tears streamed down her face, and simply allowed her friend to hold her.

God, the past month seemed like an endless deluge of grief. Just when Holly thought she didn’t have another tear to cry, she proved herself wrong by breaking down once again. The only thing that soothed her in this particular instance was that it was Kelly seeing her cry. Kelly, who she’d known since they were in grade school. Her best friend and one of the people in her life who could most understand her pain.

After all, Kelly had been there when they met Tommy and his brother Shane in high school. She was by Holly’s side as they laughed, loved and grew together. The two had been inseparable for as long as Holly could remember, and when she and Tommy had opened the restaurant, they brought Kelly on as the manager. Five years they’d all been together…

And now this.

Luckily for Kelly, she was off the night Tommy was murdered. Kelly was left reeling in horror the next day when she came to work and the establishment was cordoned off with police tape. She called Holly immediately to find out what had happened – only to find the woman she considered no less than a sister in the hospital in critical condition.

While Holly’s in-laws grieved over their son, it was Kelly who stayed by Holly’s side – who picked up Maddy after school and made sure that there was someone to look after her. It was Kelly who made sure that the restaurant continued to run as smoothly as possible in the aftermath of the horrible events that had taken place there.

Holly’s father died from lung cancer when she was fourteen, and her mother was in the later stages of dementia. Though authorities told Eileen Johnson what happened to her daughter, she hadn’t understood them. She became more and more detached from the real world with each passing month - making her a less than fit guardian for her own granddaughter.

Tommy’s mother couldn’t bear the sight of Madison – she looked so startlingly like her father and asked for him with such frequency that the elder woman snapped at her. Madison wouldn’t go to her grandmother no matter how much Holly tried to reason with her. Tommy’s father was a completely different animal. On the opposite spectrum from hysterics, he looked his grief behind a wall of gruff stoicism and barely spoke to anyone.

Between the two of them, Holly and Tommy had little living family. Holly had only her mother, and beside Tommy’s parents, there was, perhaps, only one other person who might seriously grieve for him. …but those bonds had been cut a long time ago.

Holly was still far to embroiled in her own difficulties to give serious thought to Shane. The man was Tommy’s identical twin brother, and while they’d been thick as thieves when they were in high school, Shane became involved with a number of dangerous people just after they graduated – a mistake that resulted in his being jailed for the past eight years.

Tommy had never liked to speak of him – it was a sore subject best left alone.

But now, Tommy would never have to worry about his brother again.

“Come on, honey. Come over here.” Carefully, Kelly led her trembling companion back to the kitchen and carefully guided her back into her chair at the kitchen table. She had been in the Wilder household countless times over the years, and she more than knew her way around the kitchen.

Kelly bustled about making coffee and buttered some bread to make toast, despite Holly’s hollow protests.

“I’m not hungry.”

Frowning, Kelly popped the bread in the toasted oven before turning back to her friend, hands on her hips. “Don’t give me that bullshit, Holly. You look like you’ve lost twenty pounds. You’re eating.”

Holly made a face but she knew better than to argue. It was easier to try and make sure that Madison ate than to feed herself – it was always easier to try and forget her own problems, even if the possibility was slim to none now. As Kelly poured them both cups of coffee, Holly sighed, running a hand through her unkempt hair. “When does this get better?” She found herself murmuring as she shook her head. “I’m just trying to make it through every day and I feel like every fucking breath is a struggle.”

Her gaze sympathetic, Kelly set her friend’s coffee cup down before her. Though the blonde wasn’t the wreck that Holly was, close inspection revealed that she had her own set of dark circles – that her normally immaculately coiffed hair hadn’t been professionally done in weeks and her nails were in dire need of a manicure. “Holly, it’s tough.” Sitting down across from her, Kelly covered Holly’s hand with her own. “Losing Tommy is a hard blow for all of us – none worse than you. We all know you’re doing your best….but what you’ve been through…it’s traumatic. Give yourself some time.”

Time was the last thing that Holly wanted. Though she had loved Tommy with all her heart, the emptiness he left behind was almost enough to make her wish she hadn’t.

Almost.

If she were honest with herself, Holly wouldn’t have traded her time with her husband for anything. He was caring, kind and attentive. He listened to her, worked hard to support their family, and looked at her as if she were the only thing in the world that existed. He’d given her Maddy, her happiness, and everything in life that mattered…

And now he was gone.

She forced herself to take a long sip of the black, bitter coffee before her. “I can’t be like this. Not in front of Maddy.”

“Holly, you can’t put this much pressure on yourself. Maddy knows you’re hurting. She is too. She’s only seven. She just wants to know where her Dad is.”

“What am I supposed to tell her?” Holly rebutted, her tone desperate. “I’ve tried to explain that he’s gone and he can’t come back but she won’t accept it. She won’t eat, she always complains about being cold and she doesn’t want anyone to come near her.” A choked sob escaped her as she pushed her coffee away. “My baby doesn’t want me to touch her.”

“Hey, now – don’t say that, Holly.” Kelly was by her side at an instant, wrapping her arms tightly around her friend’s shoulders. “That’s not true. When you’re not around, you’re all she talks about, Holly. Maddy loves you…she’s just as in the dark about dealing with this as you are.”

Holly blinked back tears, trying to force herself to take deep breaths.

Kelly was right. Maddy was just a little girl – Holly herself had only been a child when she’d gotten pregnant with her. She’d had a list of reservations a mile long about becoming a mother, but Tommy supported her. He stayed by her side, provided for her, and married her. They created a home and a family.

She just needed to find a way to talk to her daughter. Find some way to help Maddy understand.

Who knew? Maybe they would both heal faster.

“Kelly…I don’t know how to handle this. I don’t…I don’t know if things can ever get better.”

“Holly.” The blonde immediately took her hands, cutting her off before she could utter a single word more. “I have known you for as long as I can remember. You are not a quitter. Shit gets hard and life throws you curve balls, but you’re the girl who always comes out on top. The rational one. The strong one. Hell, you’re stronger than me.” Kelly gazed down into her companion’s eyes, her stare fierce. “They stabbed you twice, Holly. Twice. You were bleeding out – hemorrhaging like there was no tomorrow. Every doctor who’s treated you agrees that you should have died.

“But you didn’t.” Taking Holly’s face between her hands, Kelly’s lips turned upwards in the ghost of a smile. “You fought, and you’re still here. For Maddy and for you. Do you think Tommy would want you to waste all that?”

Kelly’s words jarred Holly from the deep, dark hole that threatened to consume her. While they didn’t banish it completely, the blonde helped her friend to climb out of the abyss – to stave off another breakdown for a precious few hours.

“No…” Kelly sighed. “I guess he wouldn’t.”

Kelly’s smile was both reassuring and relieved. “That’s my girl.” She hugged Holly tight enough to make her companion wince before she drew back in horrified realization. “Oh, Jesus. I’m sorry!”

“It’s OK.” Holly held a hand to her bandaged wounds, exhaling slowly as the pain faded. “They’re getting better.”

At least…her physical wounds were.