DOLLED
I gathered up a set of clothes out of the wardrobe without looking at them, and a pair of sneakers. I knocked lightly before opening the attic door.
Jimmy had hung up a clothing line across a small part of the far side of the room, and a makeshift curtain made out of bedsheets had been set up.
Was that his idea? I appreciated that he thought I needed privacy and was making an effort. Or was it so he had privacy? Maybe I’d been around the Academy guys, who shared everything with me, for too long.
Would it make it easier for Luke to leave? Or for the others to come in as needed? I thought it would make it harder, because I couldn’t just look out and see if he was asleep.
Would it make it hard for the cameras to catch something important?
I wondered if Jimmy assumed I’d eventually want to come out of the attic if I knew there was a way to divide the room.
I groaned internally at the idea.
I didn’t want to be here long enough to get that comfortable sharing a space.
I got dressed in the bathroom, putting on a gray wool skirt made of material that felt like a sweater and a thin long-sleeved white shirt. It was dressier than I’d anticipated, but I didn’t want to risk waking Jimmy up.
The sneakers didn’t really match either, being pink. Or maybe it made the outfit casual.
Gabriel would let me know.
I kept Victor’s phone with me. I sat in the bathroom, anticipating going downstairs and summoning up the courage to talk to Carol, especially with a straight face. After listening to her and Jimmy talk about me the night before, I realized I did really seem like a crazy person: no dirty clothes from camp, the way I talked to her, sleeping in the attic. Who knew what Marie and my father had actually said to them—how much was the truth and how much might have been made up?
She’d asked for my help with things, and so far, she’d seemed reasonable. Maybe the boys were right about getting on her good side.
When I left the bathroom, I found the pink notebook North had had me create a planner in. It had been left on the hallway floor for me.
Luke had snuck out here to remind me to take it with me.
I wanted to scold him later for being so reckless, but at the same time, I adored his ability to sneak around the house. I hadn’t heard him at all while in the bathroom.
I took the notebook with me as I crept downstairs, easing my weight to walk quietly and not wake anyone. It was just before seven. We’d gotten up really early. I wondered if leaving alone without telling anyone would be appropriate.
It probably wasn’t a good idea to sneak out, though. I didn’t want to face Carol, but I didn’t want her to have a reason not to trust me.
The master bedroom door was partially open. My dad was still in bed, a lump on one side under the blankets. The other side of the bed had been partially made.
She was awake.
I listened. No noise in their bedroom, but further into the house.
She’d been up for a while.
I found her in the laundry room. The old white laundry baskets we used to have were replaced by taller woven baskets. She was sorting through what looked to be Marie’s clothing. She tossed one T-shirt into a bin marked “Donate.” She picked up another one, turning it over in her hands.
I waited for her to notice me. Eventually she did, and made an effort to smile through a tired expression. Had she been up all night? Yet her clothes were different, another billowy blouse in a different flower pattern but similar in style. She wore tan slacks underneath. Her hair was tied back with a bandana today. It made the excess of blush and highlights at her forehead stand out more.
“Up with the birds,” she said. “I appreciate that.”
“I thought I’d go over early to the diner,” I said. “It’ll give me a chance to talk to Un…the boss about leaving before it gets too busy.” Saying Uncle sounded strange when she didn’t know the reasoning behind it.
“That’s a very clever thing to do. Leaving on a good note with a previous employer is always a good idea. Although by the time you graduate college, you probably wouldn’t have to put a diner on your resume…”
What was wrong with it? I pressed my lips together and nodded slightly to look like I agreed.
She tossed the shirt in her hands into the donate bin and her gaze turned to the notebook. “What’s this?”
“Oh, the…schedule you asked me for. I made a planner last night.”
Her eyes lit up in an approving glow. “You did? You didn’t have to do it from scratch. I could have found a planner for you.”
“I wanted to,” I said quietly, trying my best to come up with what weren’t technically lies. “It saves money…” I was going to give her more excuses, but the less I had to speak, the better. I held out the book to her. “If you wanted to go over it, I thought I’d leave it with you?”
She beamed as she took it from my hands, opening it up to pore over the first couple of pages. “This is very thorough.”
“Someone…from camp had one, and I remembered what was in it. I mostly copied.”
She closed the book to hold it in both hands. “I’ll leave you a few notes. Maybe I’ll get you some stickers and some washi tape to go with it? You could decorate it a little.”
That was a bit of a shock to me. It was nice of her. My stepmother would have never offered to purchase stickers for me for anything. I held my hand to my chest and nodded. “Oh…okay.”
“When you get back, I’ll show you how I decorate my planner.” She looked over my clothes and then scrunched her eyebrows. “Is that what you’re wearing? And you haven’t done your hair. Or your makeup.”
I reflexively looked down at my clothes, wondering what was wrong with them. Too nice? I’d brushed my hair and put it in a clip like usual. “I don’t really have any makeup,” I said. I didn’t know the first bit about it, other than what we’d used to cover up bruises.
She nodded sagely and put down the clothing she was sorting. She ushered me out of the laundry room. “Don’t worry, Sang. I’ve got plenty to share here. We should always look like refined little ladies.”
♥♥♥
Ten minutes later, I walked out of the house with my face stiff, my hair uncomfortable and a hot blush on my cheeks.
Gabriel would be horrified. They all would be.
My hair was puffy around my face, a lot like Carol’s style.
My clothes were replaced with a stiff, itchy dress that she said she loved. The skirt came down beyond the knees, light blue with white polka dots. She had me wear a slip, which was a little snug on me, but it puffed the skirt out a bit. She even let me borrow a string of pearls.
The worst was the makeup. It was layered thick, and my lashes felt heavy after she applied fake ones. I hovered my fingers over my face, wanting to wipe the heaviness of lipstick away from my mouth. It was an uncomfortable feeling.
“This is perfect,” she’d said, asking me to turn around in the living room when she was finished with me. “I never had daughters. You’ll get a lot of people asking who the pretty little doll is.”
I did feel like a doll. Or like someone else.
She didn’t ask how I wanted things, or seek my opinion on it. She just said do this or that.
How different her requests felt from Gabriel’s. While he did pick out clothes for me, he usually asked if I liked them too. He’d say, “How does this feel? Do you like it? What do you think of the color?” Even if I didn’t have an opinion, he always seemed to consider my feelings. If I didn’t like it, it went away.
Sometimes he was demanding, like with my hair clip, but he teased me, and I adored him.
With Carol, I felt like I had to do what she wanted, and agree with her. I was lying to make her happy.
And she never asked once what I thought.
Outside, a thin sheet of clouds drifted across the sun, keeping the morning cool. I took to the driveway and then to the street, after promising Carol walking was just fine and she didn’t have to drive me. She wasn’t totally against it. She thought it’d give me a chance to show off to the neighborhood.
I walked quickly away from the house. It was harder to do in the hard shoes she had given me.
When I got to Nathan’s, I went through the garage to get out of view of the street in case Carol happened to look out the window, but from this angle, she’d have to be standing in the garage. I would have spotted her.
Once I was inside the garage, I rushed to the door, eager to get in.
And embarrassed to be seen like this.