EPILOGUE
EMILY
I had sounded like a frog on the Sexy Bitch Vegas preshow stage. I watched it a hundred times, and though hearing myself was less painful every time, I was awful.
But I went up there for every single show, and I got better every time. Darlene’s gift to me was never the gift of access or opportunity. Her gift was the space to practice, rehearse, repeat. By the time we set up our last show at the Staples Center, I was ready to make my leap without her.
Carter’s first priority was Phin’s well-being, so he didn’t travel constantly with us. He worked with the security crew when he could, especially in the summer. Berlin. Paris. Melbourne. Sydney. Sometimes he came with Phin, who insinuated himself with the stage techs with such disarming charm he became part mascot, part apprentice.
The Staples Center show was about to break records. Tickets had sold out in seven seconds. Scalpers were getting obscene amounts of money for the worst seats. The calls and offers I’d been putting off would have to be dealt with soon. I was going to have to make choices about my career I’d always dreamed of making. Choices between contracts. Between agents. Between money and creative control.
“You look well rested.” Kandi, the makeup artist, brushed powder on my forehead. I’d sweat it off before the first verse, but I let her put it on anyway.
“I am.” I smiled. The lights on either side of the mirror made my teeth sparkle.
“Getting laid every night,” Darlene interjected from next to me. She’d just sat down to get herself done. Late. Always moving. Always pushing.
I’d gotten into Los Angeles two days before and spent both nights with Carter, eating dinner with his family and spending the evenings on the porch holding hands and talking about everything in the world.
He’d moved Phin’s bedroom to the other side of the house for good, solid reasons. It was hard to keep silent when he made me come so hard.
“This tour’s been great,” I said. “But I can’t wait until I’m really getting laid every night.”
“Mmm hmm,” Darlene agreed. “A girl has needs. Hear that.”
“You’re done,” Kandi said. I got up just as Carter’s buzz came from my pocket.
Phin appeared behind me. He had clothespins all over his shirt, a ring of zip ties around his belt loop, and a headset he compulsively touched as if he needed to make sure it was still there.
“That’s a lot of equipment,” I said.
“Have you seen Dad?”
“Not yet.”
“I want to go up on the racks.”
“I think—”
The boy held up his hand and touched his earpiece as if something of earth-shattering importance was coming over it. He ran away as if he were late to solve the world’s problems.
I checked Carter’s text.
—Have you seen Phin?—
I texted him back as I walked down the hall. The industrial carpet absorbed the sound of rushing feet in either direction. Security. Tech. Performers.
—Looking for you. He wanted to go up on the racks—
—Hell no—
Liam stopped me. “Is she in makeup yet?”
“Just sat down.”
“Cheers.”
He hurried past me.
—Where are you—
Gene Testarossa, the agent with two watches, caught me on the way to the greenroom.
—On way to stage to check marks. You?—
“Did you look at the deal memo I sent?” he asked. “It’s time sensitive.”
“I did. I want—”
“They want you. You’re a hot commodity, lady. Let’s make something happen.” His watch flashed, and he glanced at it, giving me an excuse to look at my phone.
—I have something for you. I’m in Security Four—
“Let’s talk on Monday.”
“Lunch at Spago. No one says no at Spago. It’s got GO right in the name.”
He pointed both index fingers at me.
“All right. Hey, do you know the way to Security Four?”
“No idea.” His watch flashed again. “Gotta go!”
—I have no idea where I am—
I turned another corner and wound up in a sea of fountain soda canisters and stacks of food racks. I plowed forward because I knew the security area wasn’t where I’d been.
—I’m heading for the stage in five—
I magically exited into second unit costuming, where the dancers and onstage musicians had their gear.
Simon enfolded me in a hug.
“Last day!” He did a shimmy. He’d dyed his hair pale blue.
“Which way to the stage?”
He pointed. “Out that door, right, then left at where Thor’s standing.”
—On way—
Simon grabbed my elbow. “I’ll take you, and we can talk.”
“What are we talking about?”
The dancers waved, smiled, or ignored me. We were a well-oiled machine, and they needed no guidance from me anymore.
“We are talking about our future.”
He hit the bar across the double doors, and we went into a hallway that was wider than my house. Equipment and people swirled in constant motion.
“We have a future?”
“How does that make you feel?”
Phin was on a ladder. A really high ladder.
“Unsafe.”
“What?”
“Phin!” I called out. He turned. “Did your dad say that was okay?”
I got a thumbs-up.
“Your future,” Simon said, pulling me close and forward at the same time. “I want it to be my future.”
“How so?”
“I’m just going to say it.”
“Good idea.”
He stopped short and got in front of me.
“I love dancing, but I can be something more. Like you.”
“Being a working dancer is a big achievement.”
“But being a choreographer is bigger.”
“Ah.” He must have wanted to move into my position with Darlene. “I can—”
“And you, girl, you are about to need a choreographer.”
“Me?”
“You. And me.” He pointed at me, then him, and crossed his fingers.
“Oh, Simon, I don’t think I’m going to be that big. Just small clubs and stuff.”
He made a right, then a left, shaking his head slowly. “You got no idea.”
“I do. I’m just not Darlene. That’s fine.”
My phone buzzed.
—I’m here, TD—
TD meant tiny dancer, and I smiled.
“When you find out you’re wrong, you’d better call me first.”
I could see the empty seats under the impossibly high ceiling. A few more steps, and Carter came into view with his suit and ear wire.
“I will. I promise.”
Simon kissed my cheek. “Now let me go beautify.”
“Go.”
Carter saw me and held his hand out for me. He was stillness in the chaos. A buoy on a tumultuous sea. I took his hand and let him anchor me.
“Hey. I’m not trying to snitch, but I saw Phin on a ladder.”
“It’s fine.” He brushed his lips over mine. Such a tease. “You look stunning. As always.”
“I can’t wait for a week to go by without this gunk on my face.”
“Turn around.” He gently pushed my shoulders so my back was to him and I faced the seats. It was a sight I was used to now, but not with him behind me, shifting around.
“Okay, what?” I asked. I thought he was going to talk dirty in my ear or run his hands under my dress. Both would have been welcome, but neither would have taken that long.
His lips brushed the base of my neck, running shivers up to my ear.
“I’ve been a very patient man. You’ve slept all over the world.”
We’d talked every night, and when we were in the same city, we shared a bed. It hadn’t been enough, not by a long shot, and whenever we parted ways, the pain of separation was almost physical. I missed him every moment, not for the safety but for the pleasure of his love. I felt as though I’d had plenty of good moments, but the great ones belonged to him.
“I’m back now.” I touched his hand as it rested on my shoulder.
“You are. And I want you to sleep in my bed every night. I want your body next to mine every morning. I want your voice to be the last thing I hear at night and the first thing I hear when I wake up. I want you with me.”
Before I could agree, he reached above me. I caught a flash of metal and red.
“I want you to move in with me.”
He placed a red ribbon around my neck. I touched the weight on the end. It was a key. Shiny and new. For me. I couldn’t stop looking at the way the dull brass caught the lights, as if it was so much more important than its color suggested.
“Carter. I . . . Wow.”
“You’ll have plenty of room. I’ll clean out the garage, and you can use it as a studio. Mom’s moving out, since Phin’s mostly grown up now. And he loves you. He really does.”
Did he? That boy gave me almost as much happiness as his father. He made me laugh every time I saw him.
“I’m his biggest fan.” I turned to face Carter and put my arms around his shoulders. “And yours.” I looked at the key and let it drop. “So, yeah. Let’s do this.”
“I love you, tiny dancer.”
“I love you, Carter.”
We kissed with all the warmth of two people who knew how to live and how to love.