CALVIN

 

I loved the kitchen in The Mad Ones. It was a long, narrow galley kitchen and while it was technically my grandfather’s, it quickly became another space for people to meet. When I was younger, I’d stumble upon customers having intense conversations about their favorite books in here, drinking cup after cup of coffee, hands shaking.

My grandfather would tell stories about impromptu readings that would happen over a pot of water, boiling for tea. Or writers, struck suddenly with inspiration, scribbling down notes on an old napkin.

The refrigerator was covered in scraps of poetry, articles about the bookstore, old photos of my grandparents. From time to time, I’d pull out a coffee mug and find a note from my grandfather on it—sometimes something ordinary (“Don’t forget Max’s food at the store”); sometimes a line from something he loved and had to document (“Did I ever walk the morning streets at twenty/my limbs streaming with purer joy?”).

But this morning, there was no scrap of wisdom from my grandfather, only the endless torrential rain. My morning beer with Gabe, while therapeutic, had brought on a bout of melancholy. I held a mug that said, “Keep Independent Bookstores Open” and dug through a box of his journals, settling into the overstuffed chair by the roaring fireplace. Max curled up at my feet, and I tried to soak in a moment’s peace—before the crew came storming in; before Lucia’s presence demanded my attention.

I flipped through a couple, stumbling upon the weeks when my grandparents were just beginning to date.

I do not believe in love at first sight, my grandfather had written, about his reaction to meeting my grandmother on a beach in Monterey. Although I’ve read about it in books, it is not my personal belief. There’s too much about a person to love them instantly—and really, isn’t that the best part? To learn, intimately, about every single beautiful thing about them. The way they laugh. What makes them sad. The way they peel an orange. Do they like whiskey?

I smiled, rubbing Max’s head, sipping my coffee.

When I met Maggie, it wasn’t love at first sight, although I thought she was gorgeous. Striking, really, and effervescent. And maybe this is shadowed by time, since we’re married now and I think of her as my soulmate—but although I do not believe in love at first sight, I do believe something inside of me recognized her…I don’t know, her soul. Or spirit…I’m not sure. Recognized it in a unique way. Like everyone on the beach that day was a dull, pale blue but Maggie was electric turquoise.

She made me so at ease with myself. Things I had buried or things I didn’t like—they didn’t matter around her. As I fell in love with her, she helped me love myself.

Thunder clapped outside. I thought I heard voices in the distance, which meant the moment of peace would soon be shattered. The voices got louder, and in an instant my grandfather’s small bookstore transformed into a film set. Ray was talking loudly into a walkie-talkie and the craft services people were struggling to dry off the bagels, which had gotten soaked in the rain.

And then Lucia. Lucia strode in wearing tight black yoga pants and a giant men’s sweater and everything narrowed down to her. Her smile as she brought Josie coffee. The way she’d sneak glances at the bookshelves when she thought no one else was looking. She shimmied her shoulders, tossing a crass joke at the camera crew and they roared with laughter.

The number of times in my life I’d had the courage and the confidence to leave an erotic note for a woman—a note with instructions—was zero. But secretly, I’d always wanted to. Meeting a cute girl at a bar and failing horribly to impress her—I’d fantasize about doing something like that, something that would help her see beyond the socially-awkward first impression.

Fear would always get the best of me. That and a nagging feeling leftover from high school that I had a very specific role to play with women, and Sexually Dominant Alpha it was not.

With Lucia, the fear and the low self-esteem faded away, like turning the volume all the way down on the TV. For the first time in my life I felt comfortable in my body. Comfortable in my desires. Comfortable to express what I wanted.

And what I wanted was for Lucia to come over here so I could kiss her senseless.

“Where the fuck is Taylor?” Ray asked, clapping his hands together.

“Sick,” Lucia piped up. “I think it’s food poisoning. Ray, I’m sorry—I thought he might be up for it this morning but he’s still completely out of it.”

Ray made a face like he wanted to freak out, but kept it together. “Yeah, so…” he said, rubbing the back of his neck, “it’s just that with the storm, and this weather, everything is getting really behind schedule. I mean, Lu, I could photograph you all day.”

“Obviously,” she agreed with a grin.

“But Shay was clear. And Rag was clear. They wanted sexy couple’s photos. Two people together.”

“What about a stand-in?” she suggested. “Also, where in the hell are we shooting today? The roads are closed and we’ve done a ton in this location already.”

Ray grinned, devious. “I have an idea. It might be dangerous.”

“Well, then, I’m in,” Lucia said immediately. This entire Hollywood drama had been playing out in front of me, but not a single person had addressed me. Or probably noticed me, as usual. I had shit to do, so I tried to sidle across the back of the room, tip-toeing quietly. If I could just get to my desk…

Except I was so busy quietly sidling that I failed to notice the snarl of power cords, which my foot caught, sending me flying across the room. I dimly heard my coffee mug shattering as I fell, face first, into the floor.

“Motherfucker,” I groaned, rolling over to stare at the ceiling, willing the earth to open and take me away. Immediately, a trio of concerned faces appeared in my view.

“Calvin,” Lucia said, with a wry smile. “Good morning.”

“Oh…hello, everyone,” I said, sitting up. I rubbed the side of my face that had smashed against the carpet. “How’s it, uh, going?”

“Dude, you okay?” Ray said, looking not the least bit concerned. He was on a time-crunch after all. Except, suddenly, his face changed as he was looking at me. “Cal, can you come here a second?” He grabbed my hand and dragged me towards the heavy studio lighting being set up.

“Josie, Joanna, come here,” he said and they trotted over. Lucia came too, sensing something was up.

“We need a stand-in, right?” Ray said, staring at me like I was the Mona Lisa.

Josie’s face lit up as she reached forward, removing my glasses. “We sure do, boss.”

“I do need those to see, I’m afraid,” I said, automatically reaching for them, but Josie held them from my reach.

“Good bone structure,” Ray said, cupping my face and moving it from side to side. “This scruff…I like it, Cal. It’s very bohemian.”

Oh no.

“What?” I asked, but Joanna was unbuttoning my shirt. I started to laugh nervously. “Wait, what are you doing?”

“Relax, Cal. We’re just taking your clothes off,” Lucia sighed, crossing her arms across her chest. I looked at her, and her smile blazed across my skin. I gave her a pleading look, but she just shook her head, hiding a smile. “I get naked every day. So can you.”

Sweetly submissive Lucia was not without some defiance. I sensed somewhere, deep in my brain, that this was payback for my instructions.

My shirt slid to the floor, my hands went to cover my chest. Ray held them back, studying me.

“Can I please say this is the most bizarre thing that’s ever happened to me?” I asked, but no one answered. They were picking me apart, examining every square inch. I didn’t know if I liked it.

And Lucia did this every damn day.

“Calvin, Calvin, Calvin…” Josie said, tsking. “Who knew you were hiding this gorgeous bod underneath all those plaid shirts?”

“Um…I don’t…”

“Turn around,” Ray said, but then physically turned me before I could move an inch. “Let’s see your back. I mean, mostly it’d be body shots. I don’t know if Shay would mind if we replaced Taylor for a day. Especially since mostly I could shoot Lu’s reactions to Cal.”

Behind me, I heard Lu choke for a second.

“What do you think, Lu?” Ray asked, turning me back around. He gave me a wide smile that I thought was meant to be reassuring, but only made me more anxious. “You think you can, you know, get into it with Cal for a day?”

I glanced at Lucia. Our eyes briefly met, but then she turned towards the cameras. “I mean…I am a stalwart professional.”

Joanna ran her hand through my hair. “You’re cute. You’ve got good hair,” she said, winking at me. Lucia saw, her gaze turning murderous for the quickest of seconds.

“Um, thanks?” I said.

Josie looked up from chatting with the wardrobe folks. “How tall are you, Cal?”

“Six foot two, I think,” I said. I was a little shorter than Taylor, although we were both pretty slim. She nodded, pulling off a few pieces and holding them against my chest.

“Ooooh, nice. I really think this could work, Ray. Cal, have you ever modeled before?”

I let out a sarcastic laugh. “Oh yeah, in between Star Trek conventions, I always squeeze in a little modeling.”

Lucia snorted and I smiled at her.

“Lucia will show you the ropes. You’re not going to have to do much, Lu will carry it. You’re just going to basically work off her energy. What her body is doing, what facial expressions she’s making,” Ray said.

“What if I can only make one facial expression?”

Lucia stepped forward, taking my face in her hands. Her blue eyes were practically dancing. “Look at me,” she said, as if there was anyplace else in the world I wanted to look. “Smile, kind of naturally. Like we’re friends and you just told me a funny joke.”

I thought about it for a second, thought about last night and the conversation we’d been having. I smiled naturally and she returned it. I heard a click and looked over. Ray was holding his camera, staring at the screen.

He made an impressed face. “You two…well, you do look kind of natural together.” Lucia glanced at it and some feeling crossed her face I couldn’t begin to decipher.

“Is it good?” I asked.

“I mean, I’m good,” she joked, hand on her chest, and I laughed.

Ray clicked again. Looked. Made that same face. “You know, when you’re not tripping over power cords, you’re a handsome guy, Cal.”

Lu tilted her head at me, thinking. “That’s how I make certain expressions. I play a little movie in my mind, and my face will naturally start to recreate it.”

“Okay,” I said. “I’m still not sure I can…”

“You’ll basically have your face in Lu’s boobs for six hours. You’ll be fine,” Josie said, pushing me into a makeup chair. She smiled at me, arching an eyebrow. “Just try not to get a giant erection.”

 

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