Brazen

“I love sleeping with you in my arms,” I tell Noah.

She sits on the couch, and I pull her feet into my lap. I hate the reminder that the first time we shared a bed for the night was when I was falling apart, but when I woke yesterday morning and realized Noah had slept in my arms, I couldn’t say I wasn’t extremely pleased. She stayed again last night, and I plan for her to stay again tonight.

“I love it, too, but I think you’re spoiling me. I’m not sure I’ll ever sleep soundly alone again.” Noah gives me a heart-stopping smile.

“When you want something, Noah, all you have to do is ask. Everything has moved quickly with us, and I have been a handful. So, the only reason you staying over didn’t happen sooner was because I didn’t want to push you.”

“It feels like I’m exactly where I belong and that we are moving at precisely the right speed.” She pulls a crinkled piece of paper from her pocket. “I have something I want to share with you.”

She playfully nudges my leg with her toe. My hand locks around her ankle.

“What do you have to share?” I sit up, ready for whatever it is.

“My list.”

That piece of paper in her hands means a lot to her. I knew that after the first time she spoke about it. In a time in her life where everything was unknown, it’s been like her road map. I’ve been more than curious to learn the contents.

“Your list? What list? I don’t remember ever hearing about any list.”

“You’re hilarious. Except you aren’t.” She sticks her tongue out at me like a child.

It’s cute.

“Oh, that list! I thought it was top-secret information that I’d never get to see.”

“Keep up with the funny business, and maybe I’ll change my mind.”

I pretend to lock my lips and throw away the key.

“That’s more like it.” Her smile is beaming.

“Of the things I’ve completed, I’ve done most of them with you. I figured it was time I let you in on my secrets.”

“I’m honored.”

I pull Noah by her legs so that she’s closer and resting under my arm. She flattens the list against her knees and tilts the page at me.

“Let’s see what we have here.”

The list is long and mostly filled with everyday things. A pang of melancholy squeezes my heart to really understand how much she missed out on as a kid, the most basic of joys that most of us take for granted. These are her dreams, at least for the near future, written in black and white on a tattered piece of paper.

Her list is sectioned off into four categories: Adventure, Artistic, Wild, Personal. Each list has at least one thing checked off.

Kiss a man I love is checked off, and I beam with pride.

Paint a nude model and pose as one, and Get a tattoo are also checked off.

Fly on an airplane is the one I wasn’t there for, but I can guess it was when she came to Florida.

My fingers trace over her shirt where I know the quirky Harry Potter quote is written on her skin. I’m happy I didn’t miss that one.

Make a friend is also done, and it hurts a little to know that was on her list. She came here with nothing and no one.

“Benson and Madison got lucky to get you as their friend.”

I have history with Madison, and I know a lot more about her because she was close with Sunday, but I need to get to know Benson better because he’s part of Noah’s life, too. My interactions with him so far have mostly only been polite greetings.

“They are not the only friends I’ve made. You’re my friend and Sunday, too.”

My eyes return to her list. “What else do you have on here?”

Adventure:

—Fly on an airplane.

—Go on a road trip.

—Camping.

—Climb a rock wall.

Artistic:

—Take an improv class.

—Paint a nude model and pose as one.

Wild:

—Get drunk.

—Ride on a motorcycle.

—Get a tattoo.

—Skinny-dip in the ocean.

Personal:

—Make a friend.

—Live on my own. Well, with roommates, but be self-sustaining.

—Kiss a man I love.

—Forgive my mom.

I pause, considering. Noah wrote this list before she even left the orphanage, and I wonder if her reading her mom’s letter has her regretting putting that last item on there.

“Tell me about the first thing you put on your list.”

“The Adventure items were first. I felt isolated for so long that I just wanted to see more. I still want to see everything I can.”

“Which ones are most important to you?”

“The Personal ones. I’ve accomplished so much just by falling for you. I learn and grow every day by loving you, but that last one about my mom is pretty important, too. The person who was supposed to protect me hurt me the worst, and I won’t be free from that pain until I come to terms with her decision.”

“Have you looked for her?”

“No, I’m not sure that I want to or need to in order to achieve forgiveness. I need to find it within myself.”

“You’ll get there, baby. It’ll take time.” I kiss the top of her head.

“I wasn’t sure I ever would, but it seems a lot more attainable with your belief in me.” The confidence in her voice tells me she’s ready to take on anything.

“I’ll always believe in you, but you can do anything with or without me. I think we’re going to be okay,” I tell her.

“You and me?” she asks with a hint of confusion.

“Well, yes, you and me, but that’s not what I meant. There are no doubts for me about us. I just meant we are going to get through the stuff we’re dealing with. We’ll figure things out together.”

“Us against the ugly,” she says with complete understanding and belief.

I can’t stop myself from leaning forward and whispering, “You and me,” before I drop my lips to hers.

She giggles against my mouth before I pull away, satisfied with the small tease of her kiss.

“We have about eight months to finish the list. Think we can?”

“Yeah, I think we’re well on our way.”

“Maybe not,” I disagree.

“What do you mean?” Her head tilts to the side as she studies me, but I just smile.

“Can I add some things to your list?”

“You want to add your own items?”

“Yeah. Well, sort of.”

“I’d love that.” Noah pulls a pen from her purse and rocks against me as she uses my chest as a desk. She looks up at me, waiting with the pen poised over the paper, ready to dictate my requests.

“Hold a benefit event for domestic violence victims and see Matt sentenced to guilt.”

These first two items are for Sunday. Noah and I can complete these things together for the friend we lost. She can live on through our actions in her honor.

“Love each other endlessly.” This last is a promise to Noah. I still feel the guilt of how I treated her not that long ago, and I like the idea of her having a reminder of my love on her list that means so much.

“Our list is perfect,” Noah says once we have things written out. She’s added a little section for me at the bottom and titled it, Our List.

“Our List?” There is a teasing in my voice.

“Yeah, our first orbit around the sun together.”

It’s our first year of many.