Cuba
Cam is begging me to punch him in his mouth. It’s been a week since Bliss and I started sleeping together. It’s been fucking amazing, who knew my little tutor is such a freak. She’s classy as fuck but when she’s in my bed, she’s a vixen, my sexy little vixen. Thinking about her makes me a little annoyed since I won’t get to see her tonight. Her and India are having some kind of chick night. Maybe I can convince her to come over after.
“So, are you not going to tell me?” Cam throws my hat at me.
The hat that I didn’t notice it missing all week and, because Jackson used to steal my hats, all of them have my name inside. I thought I cleaned the locker room after our little fuck session, but apparently not, because Cam is holding the ripped, black thong in his hand, twirling it around his finger.
Snatching the fabric from him, I push his shoulder. “There’s nothing to tell,” I snap. “Since when did you turn into a bitch and want to gossip?”
Cam flips me off. “Fuck you.” He takes a gulp of his beer. “You fucked a girl in the locker room, against your locker, you broke it by the way, it won’t shut.”
I just smile.
It’s Saturday night and we’re back at Dixie’s waiting on Ash to show. I’d rather be at home with Bliss’s mouth wrapped around my dick, but thanks to India, that won’t be happening.
“Do I know her?” Cam tries.
“Let it go, I’m not telling.” I take a sip of my beer.
He glares at me and takes a bite of his hot wing. “Anyways, is your tutor single? I saw her the other day, and… damn.”
My grip around my beer tightens. “Don’t fucking worry about her.”
Cam laughs, shaking his head. “Because you’re fucking her,” he accuses. “Those her sexy little panties?”
“Cam, shut the fuck up before I break your jaw.” I’m done with this conversation.
He holds his hands up. “My bad, C.”
Cam changes the subject and we rack up some balls. Dixie’s is packed again, seems like this is going to be the hot spot this year. Girls are already making their way around us, and Cam is giving them his panty dropping smile. As for me, they don’t exist. I know Bliss and I aren’t dating, but we made a deal that while we are involved we won’t sleep around, not that she has to worry, she’s the only girl that makes my dick alert anyway.
One more week and we walk away. She hasn’t brought up my past, hasn’t asked any more questions, and I’m thankful, because being with her makes me calm… if just for a while. I don’t want to think with her, I just want feel. Bliss is perfect, and if things were different, maybe I could see us being something more, maybe I could have been the man that deserves her.
I shake the thought from my head, no point in even going there. I knew I would have to walk away the moment I slid into her, the moment she moaned my name, I knew.
“So, have you given coming back anymore thought?”
I damn near miss my pocket. “No,” I lie, looking for my next shot.
Truth is, I actually have been thinking about it, not overthinking, but it has crossed my mind more than a few times this week. Seeing my locker sparked something in me, making me feel like I need to come back, I need to finish this. I haven’t been able to shake the feeling. After this week, after I stop this thing with Bliss, I plan on talking to coach whether I come back or not. I feel like I owe him, scratch that, I owe my team an apology.
“Hope you reconsider, bro. We miss you.”
I don’t reply to Cam. If I’m being honest, I kind of miss them too. The more time I spend with Bliss, the more I feel normal.
Ash shows up a few minutes later, his man bun is gone, and his dirty blond hair is cropped on the sides, a little longer on top. His eyes are red and he’s sporting a frown like he was born with it.
“What crawled up your ass?” Cam asks. “And what happened to your hair?”
Ash grabs my beer and downs it. Okay, I really didn’t want it anyway.
“Should we order another round?” I ask, looking around then back to Ash. “You okay?”
He shakes his head. “Man, these girls aren’t loyal.” He laughs bitterly. “Give them your heart and soul, and they want more, so they go get more.”
I shoot Cam a look and mouth “What the fuck?” He shakes his head and shrugs.
Ash motions the waitress for a round. “I need to get drunk and fuck something. In that order.”
“Um, where is Amanda?” Cam asks slowly.
I feel that was the wrong question to ask the moment Ash’s green eyes darken and his lips press into a thin line. Maybe Amanda is a name we should no longer say.
“Well, I guess she listened to her parents and dumped the bum from the Valley. Got herself a real winner now, his dad owns half the city.”
Beer is not going to be strong enough. He's going to need a bottle of something, something very strong. Cam is probably thinking the same thing.
“We need shots,” Cam tells the waitress as she sets down the new pitcher of beer with a few glasses. “Actually, get us a bottle of Ciroc.”
I have a feeling this is going on my tab, it usually does.
The waitress smiles, nodding, and quickly walks away.
“Since when do you have bottle service money?” I cut my eyes at Cam.
He waves me off. “Since you started hanging around again, our boy is in need, C.”
Ash is gulping down his beer. “Damn near three years and she just throws it away.”
I don't know what to say to him, I’m not fit to give anyone relationship advice. I have my own shit to deal with, like my situation-ship with Bliss.
“Man, fuck her, you're NBA bound, there are going to be a grip of bitches. Don't sweat this one. If she's this quick to leave now, imagine if shit went south after you’re drafted.” I'm winging the hell out of this shit.
Ash nods. “Yeah, fuck her. Who the fuck does she think she is? I'm fucking Ash Miller,” he says as if he's trying to hype himself up and I'm with it.
The waitresses come strolling back two trays in hand. One carries the vodka and three pitchers of juice for mixing, the other holds a bucket of ice and glasses. The waitresses smile as they set up in our section near the pool table quickly and start to walk away. I can't even remember the last time I had bottle service, Jackson and I rarely did it and if we did, it was for a birthday.
“Actually, we are not going to need this anymore.” I give the waitress and apologetic smile, I slip a fifty out of my wallet and hand it to her. “For the trouble.” These girls work off tips.
Cam throws up his hands. “What the fuck, I was just about to get some girls.”
I gesture to Ash. “He doesn’t need girls, he needs time away from them. And you, one day your dick is going to fall off.”
He flips me off and smiles. “You get a girlfriend and now you have all the advice. “
Ash head snaps up. “What? You have a girlfriend?”
Here we go. “No. Shut the fuck up, Cam.” He makes a face mocking me. “Let’s just go back to my place, order some food, smoke some joints and play 2K.”
Cam and Ash share a look and grin.
“I’m down.” Ash says downing the rest of his beer and standing up. “I’d rather whoop ya’ll ass’s in 2K.”
“Here you go, talking shit already.” Cam waves him off digging his keys out of his pocket. “We’ll stop and get some beer and meet you there.”
We head out after settling our tabs, and I’m glad they agreed because last thing I wanted was to be around a group of girls who want to go home with us, and that’s not in the cards for me.
Once I start the G-Wagon, I swipe through my phone looking for her number and hit the talk icon. The call connects through my Bluetooth and it starts ringing through the speakers.
“Hey.” Bliss’s soft voice answers.
A smile pulls at my lips. “How’s girls night?”
“How’s Dixie’s?” she answers with a question. “Must be dead if you’re calling me.”
“I’m on my way home, actually smartass. Ash’s girl left him so we’re just going to chill at my place and play some PS4.” I pause. “Unless you’re coming over, then I’ll tell them losers to get lost.”
She laughs. “No, I’m not coming over. That’s kind of nice that you’re helping him through his break up.”
I shrug even though she can’t see me. “Yeah, I guess.” I change the subject. “So, do you miss me yet?”
“Only if you miss me.”
I drum my fingers on my steering wheel as I stop at a red light. I won’t ever admit that I miss her a little bit.
“When will I see you again?” I ask instead.
I hear her sigh, and I know she was hoping I would say I missed her, but I don’t want to give her any hope that our agreement will become more.
“Thursday, I’ll bring dinner.”
It’s only Friday. “Arrow, it’s Friday. Thursday is our last session.” I’m confused. “What happened to Monday?”
She’s quiet and I can hear her breathing. “I have to take care of some things, I’ll be out of town until Wednesday.”
I grip the wheel. “And you weren’t going to tell me?”
“Yes, of course,” she says quickly. “I was going to text you, but you called first.”
Suddenly, I’m annoyed, and I don’t want to talk anymore. “Yeah, well, see you Thursday.” I hit the end call button on the steering wheel.
I know I’m an asshole, but fuck, I’m already pissed I couldn’t be with her tonight before she goes to Palm Springs tomorrow, now she’s telling me I won’t see her until our last session? The session where this ends between us. Have I really learned anything from her? Yeah, when I can pay attention and not think about when I can sink inside her. Maybe I should brush up on my books, just in case. I don’t want her to feel like I don’t care, because I do, I just care about her mouth a little bit more.
When I pull up to my place, I don’t see Cam’s car yet, and I have a feeling they’re getting more than a pack of beer. Once the season starts, the drinking and getting high stops, so I can see why they want to get drunk. Rubbing my forehead, I let myself into my place, it’s been a while since I had any of my teammates here.
As usual, my living room is clean because I spend most of my time in my room. Taking the stairs two at a time, I go into my room, which is a fucking mess. I should really start having the housekeeper come in here, because even as an adult, I still can’t make my bed or take the dishes back to the kitchen. When Bliss is here I shamefully let her clean. See, I’m barely boyfriend material.
Grabbing my PlayStation and two controllers, I close the door behind me only to stop short and stare at the closed door across the hall, Jackson’s room. I still haven’t built up the nerve to go in there and his parents haven’t pushed the issue of moving his things. One step at a time, that’s what Oliver says, he thinks I need to be stable first before digging into the past. For now, I hang onto that excuse.
The pounding on my front door pulls me away from my thoughts, and I hurry down the stairs to open the door. Cam and Ash push through the door carrying two pizza boxes and a case of beer.
“Your house is suspiciously clean,” Cam says, walking into the kitchen with the beer. “Is your mom still cleaning your place?”
“No, asshole.” I close my front door and go to hook up the PlayStation into the T.V.
Ash flops on the couch, setting the pizzas on the coffee table. “All right, I’m about to whoop your ass on this court.”
“You can even beat him one on one, chump.” Cam walks in with three open beers and plates, he looks at me. “Your kitchen is way too clean, and your sink is all shiny and shit.”
I squint my eyes and jerk my head back. “Why the hell are you all in my shit?” I sit on the other side of the couch and hand Ash a controller, then pull a joint and a lighter out of the side table. Lighting it, I take a deep hit and pass it to Ash.
Cam hands me a beer. “So touchy.”
Ignoring him, I start flicking through the basketball teams, settling on my favorite, the team that was supposed to draft me, the team I should have been playing for.
Ash picks his and Cam laughs as he takes a hit of the joint then hands it to me. “Why are you always picking that sorry ass team?”
“Fuck you,” he snaps. “Why don’t you go back to sending some poor girl a dick pic?”
Some shit hasn’t changed, they still argue like siblings. I have no idea how they are still friends, but it works.
My mind goes back to Bliss. I can’t believe I won’t be seeing her until next week. One more night with her and that’s it. That’s all I get. It took a week for her to become an addiction, an addiction I couldn’t afford to have right now.
The night goes on with the three of us getting high, eating pizza, and talking shit as we play the video game. For the first time, I feel normal, being at home with some friends, a girl I can’t stop thinking about on my brain. I feel like a normal college guy in his twenties. The past isn’t dragging me down, but I still feel it there, looming in the darkness just waiting to confront me. One step at a time.
Jackson,
As soon as I think it’s getting a little easier, it doesn’t. I find myself constantly finding distractions. Ash and Cam are trying to help in their own way, but they aren’t you. I can’t talk to them about things, you know, about what happened to me. They would probably think I went crazy or watch my every move. I still haven’t built up the courage to tell Bliss. Hell, I still haven’t let myself think about what you would think about what I have done. I know you want more for me, and as you can see, I’m trying. I hope this makes you a little happy, Jack. I really hope I can one day make you proud.
-C
Oliver canceled our session today, and I’m partly glad after how the last one ended. I won’t be seeing Bliss either. She has sent me a few texts since Friday that I haven’t replied to, most just a simple Hi. I don’t want to text, I want her here with me, in my bed. I don’t want to text like were fucking friends, I don’t want to get used to seeing her name pop up on my phone, and I damn sure don’t want to get used to the feeling it gives me.
My phone vibrates on the couch next to me, and the name on the screen stops my heart for a second.
Mrs. E
Jackson’s mom. She’s basically my aunt, blood doesn't connect us, but you wouldn't know that, she's always been there even when I didn't deserve it.
I pick the phone up, just holding it in my hand, feeling the vibration through my body, taunting me. I have been avoiding them for a while, she usually calls me at least once a week, and I know one day the calls will stop coming, she'll eventually give up. The vibrating stops and I clinch my hand around it tightly. My heart beats faster and my breath gets heavy, I'm not ready. I don't think I'll ever be ready to deal with the Emmett’s. I still can't face myself and my own mistakes. And I can't even visit his resting place and until I face that, I'll never be able to face his parents.
The voicemail icon pops up on my phone and I quickly ignore it, like all the others. I'm an asshole, I know. I'm an asshole to everyone who wants to help me, and I really hate that, but I've been angry for so long that it's hard for me to open up, and that's how I landed in rehab. I wouldn't open up to my family, but I opened up for alcohol and drugs. I only wanted their hugs, their words, they just wanted my soul.