Bliss
“So, I don’t understand,” Patrick says as he flat irons my hair. “Why did you lie about going out of town?”
We’re in my living room, Patrick on the couch while I sit between his legs. India’s lounging on the loveseat flipping through channels. It’s Wednesday evening and I’ve barely spoken to Cuba except for a few texts. He’s back to being cold toward me, and I honestly don’t know how our last session will pan out. I didn’t know skipping our session Monday would make him this upset. Part of me hopes it’s because he looks forward to our time together and misses me, but the other part of me feels that may not be the case. It could just be the sex, which is amazing, but it’s been feeling like more for me and a huge part of me doesn’t want to come to terms that there are no feelings at all on his end, even if he does call me baby.
“Because, I need space,” I huff out. “He’s everything I thought he wouldn’t be and I’m confused. You guys know I can’t do casual anything,” I say, frustrated. I thought I could handle this and I can’t. I fell in like with Cuba, secrets and all.
“And Cuba only does casual, actually he barely does that, more like hourly.” Indi tosses the remote on the table and sighs.
“Wow, bitch, way to be supportive.” Patrick tsks at her and pulls a strand of my hair with his movement. “That isn’t what she needs to hear right now. We saw the way he looks at her, it could be more than casual.”
Indi rolls her eyes. “I’m just being realistic. It’s fucking Cuba Knight, let’s not forget that. I don’t want her getting hurt.”
“Her, is right here,” I remind them. “And I’m fully aware that this might be casual for him, hence why I skipped Monday.”
Patrick glides the flat iron through my hair. “And how did he take that again?”
Biting my lip, I frown. “He hung up on me, and he barely responds to my texts.”
“Huh.” India sits up. “So, he’s upset.” It’s not a question.
“Probably because he won’t be having sex.”
“B, if he wanted sex he could call someone easily,” she says.
I shake my head. “We agreed to only sleep with each other during this time, his idea.”
The room goes quiet and Patrick’s hands go still over my hair, I move to look back at them. They are sharing a look that I can’t decipher.
“What?” I ask slowly.
Indi looks down at me. “Nothing, B. Just unlike him, but then again, he’s been gone for a while.” She shrugs.
That reminds me that we still haven’t talked about his hiatus. He has been cleverly avoiding the topic with his mind-blowing sex skills. Now I wonder if he will even bother, since everything ends after tomorrow, and how it would be if we cross paths again. Will he say anything to me or act like he doesn’t know me? Oh, my stars, I’m over thinking this, I’m going to drive myself crazy.
Patrick goes back to doing my hair and India is back to flipping through channels. Here I am with my feelings because I have feelings for someone who might not have the same for me. He warned me. I knew what I was getting into, and I don’t know why I thought it would change. I don’t know why I thought he would miss me the way I miss him.
I should save myself and just end it now, cancel tomorrow and hope he walks away having learned something about Alexander the Great. If not, I have failed, because for the first time, I couldn’t keep my legs closed, they were too busy wrapping around a tattooed waist. I mentally face palm myself, I’m so stupid. I’ve spent twice as much time with Dex and my feelings for him were nowhere near what I feel for Cuba. This is crazy, and it makes no sense.
Just text him, break it off. I tell myself. Let him go.
Picking up my phone, I open up to our mostly one-sided conversation since last Friday.
Taking a deep breath; I type, delete, and type again.
Me: Hey, I really enjoyed hanging out with you, but I feel we should just skip tomorrow and end it now. I hope you are happy with the tutoring you received and if in the future you find you need more help I am happy to recommend someone.
That sounds friendly enough. I mean, I'm not exactly sure what to say, I've never been in this situation before. My thumb hovers briefly before hitting send.
“That's how you're breaking it off?”
My head snaps up to see Patrick's perfect eyebrows scrunched together, his green eyes focused on my screen. “I’m sure he is more than happy with the tutoring he received. I can’t believe you are giving up so easy.”
“Give up?” I ask with a laugh. “What else am I supposed to do, Pat? He said two weeks, that’s what he got.”
He waves his hands in the air. “How about telling him how you feel, maybe?” he suggests. “You like him, so tell him.”
“Tell Cuba I have feelings for him, after he made it clear that this is all it was, is just begging for him to go into asshole mode.” I huff. “He’ll laugh right in my pretty little face.”
I will not put myself in that position, I do not have that much faith in my vagina to believe it could change his mind. Of course, I would love for my vagina to cure everything, but come on.
“Never know,” he mumbles but I ignore him because I do know.
Cuba doesn't feel the same way and even if he did, he would never admit it, and he wouldn't do anything about it.
My phone vibrates in my hand, startling me. It’s Cuba. My fingers hover over the screen, my stomach dips, I sweep my thumb over the message icon.
My eyes narrow at the message. “What an asshole!” I screech, getting up onto my feet, waving my phone. “He said it’s been real. Are you kidding me?”
“That’s all he has to say?” Patrick crosses his arm. “The nerve.”
“Again.” Indi rolls her eyes and flicks the remote in my direction. ”This is Cuba. I’m not trying to be a bitch but it’s true. We all know he likes you, but he won’t do anything about it.”
I think about what she’s saying, and I become more annoyed, I have given him space, and tried to let him come to me. If he really doesn’t care then fine, neither do I. Yes, I know that’s a lie I tell myself but I’m not going to be running and chasing after him.
I don’t respond back to him. He said enough to kill our conversation, he left me no room to say anything decent back to that. Clenching my phone in my hand, I silently pout.
“I’m going to take a shower and call it a night,” I say through my teeth.
“Ah, come on, don’t let him get you upset,” Patrick's pleads. “Come out with us to dinner.”
I forgot about our dinner plans and frankly, I doubt I would be good company. “I’m not upset,” I lie. “I’ll take a rain check, have fun and please don’t fight.”
“Well then tell him to back off the guys I call dibs on,” Indi starts.
Patrick rolls his eyes. “Because you clearly can’t tell who is on your team and who is on my team.”
Slowly, I back away, and leave them to argue about India’s broken gaydar. Shutting door to my bedroom softly, a tear slips out and I quickly wipe it away. This is stupid, I am stupid. All my book smarts mean nothing right now if my common sense is lacking. Lesson learned, casual sex is not for me. I’m a relationship kind of girl.
Going into my bathroom, I start my bath, pouring half my bottle of lavender bubble bath into it, then I go to light my favorite lavender and vanilla candles, setting them on my dresser and bedside table. I love lavender, it relaxes me, and right now, I need to relax and not think about Cuba.
After hooking up my iPod on my nightstand, I undress as Lana Del Rey sings in the background. Stepping into the steaming water, I tie my hair up in a knot before sinking down to my chin. I close my eyes and take in the scent and soft music, breathing in and out, trying to relax my rapid heart.
It’s not working.