CHAPTER 8
November 22
The smell of the butter basted turkey made Jesse’s mouth water. She was in the kitchen with Holly, placing the final touches on the sumptuous Thanksgiving meal. Nick’s parents were in Hawaii for Thanksgiving and their wedding anniversary, or they would have come here, too. It was nearly four p.m., and Nick and Travis were setting the table in the open-concept dining area. Their two dogs, Snowflake and Lady, were lying obediently on their beds, watching all the action with great interest, occasionally lifting their noses to the air, sniffing with appreciation. Jesse brought over a bowl of fragrant sage dressing that Holly had already made the gravy for, as well as the mashed potatoes. She was known as the “Gravy Queen” of Hamilton and judging from a taste of it, she was more a chef than a cook in Jesse’s opinion.
“You look really pretty in your pink sweater and jeans,” Holly told her, a gleam in her eyes. “I’ll bet Travis took notice?”
Smiling, Jesse said, “You aren’t going to give up on this, are you?”
Holly handed her the bean casserole. “Nope.”
“I don’t see it.”
“Well, you’re sort of in a hurricane right now. You’ve just left the military and it’s your first year home.” She pointed her chin in the direction of the guys setting the table. “I met Nick shortly after he left the military. A lot of our issues were clustered around his symptoms.”
“And yet you overcame them?”
“We love one another,” Holly said, her voice softening, picking up the platter with slices of dark and light turkey meat on it. “And that’s what will get you and Travis through the tough days, too.” She beamed. “Well, that and a dog or two.”
Following Holly across the cedar floor to the huge round, antique oak table, she placed the casserole on a trivet. Both men lifted their noses, smelling the air, emulating the dogs earlier.
“I’m starved,” Nick said, winking at Holly, taking the large, bulky platter from her.
“Makes two of us,” Travis joined in, standing back, pleased with their efforts.
“Come on,” Holly said, “you can help us bring in the rest of the food. I want to eat it while it’s still hot.”
In no time, they were sitting down at the table. Holly wanted to say a prayer, so they all joined hands, bowed their heads and closed their eyes. Her prayer was short, but filled with emotion. They had already baked three turkeys in the charity kitchen below their apartment yesterday and made sure that every one of the elderly shut-ins had a wonderful turkey dinner at noon today, replete with a big slice of pumpkin pie and whipped cream. Now, it was their turn to sit down and enjoy their well-earned meal.
Jesse fought the urge to stare at Travis. He’d dressed up in a red flannel shirt with a black leather vest over it and black chinos, plus a pair of hiking boots. He’d showered and trimmed his beard earlier, too. Nick was in a pair of ivory chinos and wearing a bright red sweater. But it was Holly that had dressed up the most and Jesse felt a little under dressed for the occasion. She wore a pale peach sweater and ivory velour trousers, her bright red hair scooped up off her neck with several gold combs, looking like a model. She never wore make up, either, and Jesse liked the freckles across her nose and cheeks. The first time she’d met Holly, she thought she looked more like a fifteen-year-old teenager rather than the young, but mature woman she was.
Glancing over her shoulder, she saw Snowflake and Lady intently watching them. “Hey, Nick, do they get any turkey dinner leftovers?” Jesse teased. He’d been a WMD handler in Afghanistan and Snowflake had been his dog who found the IEDs and other bomb-making materials, protecting the soldiers. She saw him smile a little.
“Well, someone here, and I won’t mention who, has spoiled my well-trained dog to expect such handouts after dinner. Lady was feral and she’s never gotten over being starved most of the time before Holly spotted her in a back alley in Hamilton. What gradually got Lady to trust Holly was that she always gave her food as reward. So, yes, they will both have a special turkey dinner tonight. You can rest easy.”
“Freya loves handouts, too. She gives me that pleading look and I’m mush,” Jesse admitted, chuckling.
“Oh, me too!” Holly said, laughing. She glanced toward the dogs lying on their bed cushions. “Nick thinks I’ve totally spoiled Snowflake.” She blew him a kiss across the table.
“I love you anyway,” he said, giving her a warm look.
“You said Lady was starving when you found her,” Travis said to Nick. “She looks well fed now, with a nice, shining coat, and a sparkle in her eyes.”
“It took us about four months after she decided she’d stay with us to increase her to the right weight. We couldn’t feed her too much or anything too rich or she’d lose it. Small, simple meals, instead.”
“Ahem,” Holly said, raising an arched brow, “and who spoiled her? Hmmmm?”
Nick’s cheeks turned pink and he gave his wife a grin. “Me. Guilty.”
Everyone burst into laughter.
Jesse enjoyed the repartee between the four of them. This was like being home. She had called her parents earlier in the day and that was a wonderful treat for all of them. They asked if she might come home next Thanksgiving. What about Christmas? Jesse wasn’t sure about her life yet. She didn’t tell them about how drawn she was to Travis. Everything was so tentative. They seemed heartened that she had two part-time jobs, a place to live in a cozy boxcar, and a dog to keep her company. She heard the hope in their voices and that felt good to her. In fact, what uplifted them the most was that she was going to email some pictures of Freya and her puppies to them. They were dog people and her coming email gift would touch them deeply. By the time she’d ended the call, Jesse realized that she was changing for the better.
Lifting her head, she saw Travis studying her. It didn’t put her on edge, rather, she felt that warm blanket surrounding her as it always did when he would trade glances with her. There was something serious there and it hung between them. How badly Jesse wished she was further along in her own healing process to be courageous enough to step into a potential relationship with Travis. But she wasn’t. At least, not yet, although it was always hovering at the edges of her daily life.
“Hey,” Holly said, tapping her arm, “Travis mentioned the other day that you’re going to give the puppies away on December fourteenth?”
“Yes, we are. Travis and I got calls from people here in Hamilton who each wanted one.”
“Wonderful! Who’s getting them?”
“Katie Montgomery wants one. She lost her dog a year ago and would love to have another buddy. Alex Delgado begged Travis for one and he said okay. Who am I missing, Travis?”
“Libby Johnson whose family owns Cooper’s Hardware and Joe Varner, from Fish and Game, wanted one, too. We have one pup left, a male with blue eyes. I figure someone will come forward and take him when the time’s right.”
“Those four pups will have good homes,” Nick congratulated them.
“Katie’s perfect for a new puppy in her life!” Holly said. “She was devastated when Champ was hit by a car and died.”
Travis smiled. “She’ll probably spoil the pup. I’m sure Alex, who runs the bakery, will spoil her puppy, too. Lucky doggers.”
“You can count on them doing that,” Nick chimed in, laughing. “They’re both real softies.”
“Worse than me, huh?” Holly teased.
“Jesse has a soft heart too,” Travis noted.
“I think it’s a woman thing,” Nick replied. “A human touch we all desperately need on this earth. You ladies rock.”
Holly patted her belly, “Well, I’m going to put all my maternal instincts into this little tyke who’s coming in three more months.”
“I won’t ever accuse you of spoiling her or him, either,” Nick teased her, reaching out, grazing Holly’s cheek.
Jesse tilted her head. “You don’t know if it’s a boy or girl?”
“No,” Holly said, spooning more gravy over her mashed potatoes, “we wanted to be surprised.”
Nick squeezed her lower arm. “I think you already know.”
“Yes, my woman’s instincts.”
“What do your instincts tell you, Holly?” Travis wondered.
“A girl.”
Jesse knew she’d lost her parents in a car crash when she was twenty-two. Later, she lost her older sister to suicide. Holly was the kind of person who was so maternal, caring and giving. She was glad that they could be with her and Nick tonight on this holiday. There was something in Travis’s eyes that concerned her. When they left for the evening, she would ask him what was bothering him.
*
“Is everything okay?” she asked Travis as they let Freya out into the backyard one final time for the night. They were cleaning up the puppy space and had trained them to do their business on newspapers, which was a lot easier to roll up and toss in a garbage bag afterward.
He glanced up at her as she held open the bag and he dropped the soiled newspapers into it. “I tried to talk Sam into going to dinner with us, but he refused. Then, I tried to see if I could bring him a to-go box and he got pissed off.”
“Was he in a lot of pain, though?” she wondered, hurting for him because she could see it bothered him a lot. Travis had already taken out fresh newspaper to lay down in the area that the pups utilized. He leaned over, spreading them around, the puppies feeling playful and leaping for his hands as he smoothed the paper down across the concrete surface.
“The medication I hoped would work, isn’t working,” he said heavily, straightening. “I try to put myself in his place: how would I feel if I had unrelieved pain day in and day out? No rest from it. No relief. It has to be a special hell.”
Grimacing, she whispered, “Well? In a sense, we do know what that’s like, Travis. Our pain is invisible to everyone outside of us because it’s internal. And there’s nothing to stop it except to drug ourselves up to our eyeballs and then we have no feelings at all, not even good ones.”
He climbed up and over the three-foot fence. “I hadn’t looked at it that way, Jesse, but you’re right.”
“Emotional and mental pain, to me, is just as debilitating as the physical kind. And yes, there’s days when it ramps up and I’m not the best person to be around.”
He flashed her a tender look. “I like being around you no matter how you’re feeling. You’re the complete opposite of Sam. I never know if you are suffering or not. You bury it, like I do.”
“Birds of a feather,” she agreed, both of them becoming somber. “Does Sam usually spend the holidays here with you?”
“He did in the past. But not this year…”
“Do you think it’s because I’m here, Travis? I know how gossip flies around Hamilton.”
“He’s never said anything to me about you, and I see him a couple times a week. I think he had high hopes for the newest prescription to ease his pain and it let him down like all the rest have.”
“He’s probably feeling pretty depressed about it,” Jesse agreed, feeling badly for the man.
Travis went to the basement door where Freya was standing, wagging her tail, wanting back in. He stepped aside and the dog trotted in and jumped over the fence to be with her puppies once more. Going to the sink, they both washed their hands with soap and water. Then he locked the fence door and walked with Jesse over to the stairs, gesturing for her to go up first. “I’ve learned everyone handles pain differently,” he said, following her.
She moved into the living room, wanting to hold him because she could hear the emotion in his low voice. Travis was fighting it and his own pain he carried for his father tore at her. She reached out, taking his hand. “Come on, let’s go sit down.” His fingers curled around hers and he gave her a look that made every nerve in her body tingle, reminding her she was still a woman with a woman’s desires.
He released her hand as they sat down. Leaning back in the corner, she came and sat near him, their knees almost touching. Folding her hands in her lap, she said, “I wish I could do something more to help Sam. And you, too. This can’t be easy for you, either, Travis.”
“There’s some days that are worse than others, Jesse.” He sighed and lifted his hand. “Like today. My mother loved the holidays and I remember how much joy she put into them a week before the holiday arrived. I used to help her in the kitchen because I always liked learning how to cook. Sam never took part, said it was women’s work and then would look at me like I should be agreeing with him, but I never did.”
“Sam has a dog, so that has to help him.”
“It does. I don’t know what he’d do without old Cyrus.”
“He’s not abusive to him, is he?”
“No. He loves that mutt. I think it helps him a lot. Cyrus is company for him. He dotes on him and I’m relieved he has him in his life. I can’t imagine what it would be like for Sam if Cyrus wasn’t around.”
“Like Freya is for us,” she said softly, searching his saddened gaze. This was the first time Travis was allowing her to feel the weight of the father he carried as a son.
“She’s a beautiful being,” he said quietly.
Reaching over, she slid her hand over the back of his. “What can I do to help you, Travis?” At that moment he seemed nearly overwhelmed by his father’s chronic condition.
He turned his hand over and slid his fingers between hers. “Just this. It’s enough, Jesse. Having your friendship and trust this past month has been a gift to me.” He held her gaze. “You have no idea how much you help me on a daily basis. I wake up feeling better. I used to wake up dreading the coming day because Sam would want to see me, chew me out for something that wasn’t my fault, and then I’d have to deal with whatever the fallout from it was. I value your trust and you’ve made it easy for me to open up and be honest about some things in my life that I never talk to anyone about.”
She curved her fingers into his, her voice low and off key. “You have given me a haven to heal myself in. I keep wanting to tell you how much you help me every day in large and small ways, Travis. You deserve to hear that you’re a good person with a good heart. You know how to help others and you put yourself second in order to help folks around town.”
“Guess we’re the pot calling the kettle black,” he said wryly, continuing to hold her hand, never wanting to let go of it—or her.
She managed a half laugh. “I guess so. Still, if there’s anything I can do to help you with your father?”
“He’s a buzz saw on some days, Jesse. I don’t want you around him. He’ll tear you up so fast that you’ll be in shock. Pain makes him angry. And he always takes it out on the person he’s around. I feel protective toward you and I want to shield you from him.”
“Okay…”
He sat there, staring down at their hands enclosed in one another. “If I don’t admit something else to you, Jesse, I feel like I’m going to explode.”
Tilting her head, she thought he was joking. “Well, don’t do that. What’s on your mind?”
He raised his eyes, meeting and holding hers. “You.”
Her heart skipped a beat.
“What do you mean?” The words came out faintly, confused sounding.
“Ever since I met you, you’ve tugged at my heart. To be honest? I wasn’t looking to get interested in a woman right now. I’ve had enough to grapple with keeping the family business afloat and then, dealing with Sam and his medical issues.”
Blinking, she absorbed his low, almost growling admission. His hand tightened a little and then relaxed. Mouth dry, she searched for the right words, not wanting to hurt him. “I didn’t come here looking for a relationship, Travis. I felt so shattered that even though I was drawn to you, your kindness, your taking care of all of us, I tried to ignore the need that was growing daily inside me to know you better.”
Silence hung in the room for a moment.
“I know you’re healing, Jesse,” he began haltingly. “I know my first year was hell. I need you to know that the more I’m around you, the more we share, and how you think and see the world, means a lot to me. I look forward to my time with you.” His mouth twisted. “I don’t claim to have words. I’m not trying to get you into my bed. I honestly like you. I’ve never met a woman who appealed to me like this in every way.” He opened his hand and allowed her to decide to stay or leave.
She stayed.
It was enough. Plowing forward, his words terse, spoken faster, he added, “If this is a one-way attraction, if it’s just me, if it’s not something good for both of us, I need you to tell me that now, Jesse. If you tell me it’s all in my head, that’s fine. I still want you to rent my grandparents’ boxcar. I still want to pay you to work two days a week at the office. Nothing changes. I promise you that. I won’t ever speak of this again. I’ll work to change how I feel toward you and channel it into deepening a friendship and a mutual trust with one another through good times and bad, just like friends do for one another, instead.” Taking a deep, shaky breath, he stared hard at her, trying to read what was going on behind those beautiful eyes of hers, but it was impossible.
Jesse turned toward him, still holding his hand, her knee pressed against his long, hard thigh. “It’s mutual, Travis. But I’m afraid to be drawn to you in the shape I’m presently in.”
Heaving an inner sigh of relief, he nodded brusquely. “I can accept that, Jesse. I know how fragile you are right now and you’re working hard every day to find pieces and parts of yourself, fighting to get stronger. I’ve been there. I know the process.”
Her smile was watery. Tears jammed into her eyes. “This is why I like you so much. You understand. I’ve never had a man read me as well as you do, Travis. I know you’re not looking at me for sex only. I sensed it was something far deeper, more beautiful and long lasting going on between us. Until you just told me, I couldn’t put into words what I felt toward you, either. I have a push-pull attraction to you. A part of me, the healthy part, is drawn to you. The rest of me is such a clutter and I’m constantly second guessing myself regarding myself…you…us…”
He reached out and with his index finger moved a stray black curl away from her temple. “We came together and I felt a strong friendship bond with you. What I’d like to do—and I want your thoughts on this—is I’d like to move along that trail with you, Jesse. That way, if you feel whole enough at some point you can be the rudder for us? I won’t make a move on you. I want a woman to come to me honestly and openly. It has to be mutual, but you’re in charge.”
Closing her eyes for a moment, her emotions in upheaval, she whispered, “Yes…yes, I’d like that.” Opening them, she saw such tenderness burning in his gaze for her, she knew he liked her far more than just as a friend. “Thank you for knowing where I’m at right now. I don’t feel like I can carry an outside load like a relationship just yet.”
“I know that.” He released her hand, holding her warm gaze. “I like where we’re at. If you want something more? All you have to do is tell me. That way, neither of us is assuming.”
“I don’t like assumptions. Never did.”
“Makes two of us.”
She sat back, feeling all the tension draining out of her. “I’m glad we talked, Travis. Thank you for having the courage to speak up. I was afraid to approach you and I know it was me, not you. I thought I’d picked up some clues from you but I talked myself out of it because my mind plays tricks on me sometimes when anxiety gets the better of me. It clouds my reality.”
“I know that one, but in time, it too will start to lessen a little here and there.”
“Tonight showed me so much. Nick and Holly are so happy together. I knew he had PTSD and Holly told me one time that because they allowed themselves to love one another, that it has helped his symptoms as a result. She said they talk a lot and often with one another, that it’s a key to their relationship being stable and healthy. That was so good to hear because my feelings for you were there all the time, but I couldn’t fit them into everything else that was going on inside me. Yet, I noticed since I’ve met you that my anxiety, especially, has calmed down. At first, I didn’t know why, but as time went on, I was able to analyze it and figure it out. It was you, Travis. Who you are. You’re good for me.”
“That’s nice to hear. I didn’t expect this, Jesse.”
Giving him a searching look, she added, “You’re like an anchor for me right now. I find myself more stable since coming to Hamilton. Getting to know you and then with Freya and her puppies coming into my life, it has filled me with hope. Real hope. I thought I’d lost that, Travis, I really did. It has started surfacing slowly, now and then. And when it does, it’s always when you’re around. I finally figured that one out, too.”
“Dogs and puppies are always good for a person’s soul don’t you think?”
She managed a small laugh. “Absolutely. My dog, Tag, was my best friend growing up.”
“How does Freya fulfill your life?”
She liked his incisive question. “She makes me feel safe like you do.” Travis cocked his head, question in his eyes. “Since my release from the military, I’ve felt horribly vulnerable. I used to have a sense of safety within myself, but that’s gone now, too. I’ve lost my confidence, also. Meeting you, living in that beautiful little caboose that belonged to your grandparents, made me feel safe once again. And Freya charging that cougar, throwing herself at the rear door to get at the cat, I knew she’d protect me just as fiercely.”
“More than anything, I want you to feel safe and secure.” He looked around the cabin. “Does this place give that to you?”
“I don’t know. The caboose does, for sure. And maybe because you live here, I feel safe in this cabin. I’m not exactly logical about this, am I?”
Shaking his head, he muttered, “Emotions are different than thoughts. Logic and emotions don’t always fit together. No, it’s not silly at all. This cabin was my safety net, my safe house, I guess you’d call it that. It made no sense to me, but that was how it felt and over the years it has been a place for me to heal since leaving the Army.”
“Your emotions count more than what you have in your head. If this place gives you that sense, then you should be here,” she said.
“After we give Freya’s puppies away, would you like to go move back to the caboose with her?”
“I’d like that very much. I’ll get to see you at least twice a week.”
He rubbed his hands down his chinos. “If I invite you to dinner at the cabin would you come? Bring Freya, too?”
Her lips curved. “I’d love that, Travis. I really would.”
“Then, let’s make this work. After December fourteenth, we’ll get you back out to your safe place. I want you to heal, Jesse. And if this is what you need I’m all for it. I’ll support you any way that I can.”
Tears burned in her eyes and she choked them back. “Thank you for giving me the chance I needed…”