Stepping into my flat, Aidan raised a disbelieving eyebrow, while Declan snorted. “I love what you’ve done with the place.”

“Fuck you,” I answered, dropping my duffel bag in the foyer and making my way into the kitchen to grab us each a beer. I had to put my keys on the counter because I didn’t have anywhere to set them when coming home.

“You’ve been here how long?” Aidan asked, his eyes coming to rest on a stack of boxes that reached to the ceiling.

Labeled “miscellaneous,” I’d told myself I’d get to them eventually. Then, as weeks had turned to months, I figured if I hadn’t needed anything out of them yet, the boxes were probably filled with stuff I could live without. I should move them to the guest room—which was completely empty—but I’d been spending so little time here, I hadn’t felt the need.

“And fuck you too,” I said to Aidan, handing each of my friends a bottle of local beer.

I’d been distraught when I’d first moved here and learned my favorite Irish craft beer wasn’t imported, but Angus had introduced me to BrewDog and my taste buds had quickly adapted to their high ABV IPAs. Now, aside from Lachlan, it was my only vice.

“Seriously man,” Declan said, dropping onto my couch, “this is depressing. Hang up a picture or something.”

“Says the man who bought a house and lived like a hobo until his fiancé moved in and made it a home.”

“Three rooms,” Aidan interjected. “I should know; Aoife and I had to clean up that shit when he and Sophie broke up, and your man here turned into Howard Fucking Hughes. At least Liam doesn’t have a full bowl of rotting apples just sitting out,” he said, referencing the sorry state Declan’s house had been in just before he and Aoife had staged a much-needed intervention.

I settled on the floor—no extra seats to speak of—and sighed happily. Seeing these guys—just hearing their voices and having them take the piss out of me—made me realize how lonely I’d been since coming here. I’d always been a social guy, but aside from Lachlan and Angus, I didn’t hang out with anyone. I hadn’t realized until now how much I missed the banter and the camaraderie.

And their timing couldn’t have been better because, after my exchange with Hamish a few hours earlier, I was going out of my head with worry.

“How’s the shoulder?” Aidan asked. I hadn’t realized it, but I’d been unconsciously rubbing it.

“It’s grand. Just your standard post-match aches and pains.”

“That was a nice hit on Eoin,” Declan said, his lips twisting in a satisfied smirk.

“I thought things had improved between you two now that he and Aoife had their own place.”

He shrugged, and Aidan said, “They’ve called a tentative truce for her sake.”

“No matter what, he’ll always be the asshole who knocked up my baby sister,” Declan grumbled.

Aidan tipped his head back and drained the rest of his beer in three long swallows. Staring down at his hands, he said, “It can happen to the best of us.”

“Yeah, but the minute you found out Katelyn was pregnant, you manned up and did right by her,” Declan pointed out.

Unfortunately, that hadn’t been the case with Eoin and Aoife. In Eoin’s defense, he’d thought she’d had an abortion without telling him. I knew Eoin would have supported Aoife’s decision if that’s what she’d wanted to do, but the fact that she’d gone to London by herself had been a massive breach of trust. In the end, she’d decided to keep the baby, but it had taken Declan kicking Eoin’s ass for the two young lovers to behave like responsible adults.

Last I’d seen them, they were disgustingly happy and in love, but it could have easily gone the other way.

Kind of how things were between Aidan and his baby mama, Katelyn.

“How’s that going, anyway? You haven’t mentioned them much.”

He chuckled and his lips hitched to the side in a small, proud smile. “Tiernan’s great. He’s a loud little asshole, but he’s cool.”

“And Katelyn?”

Aidan was quiet for a few moments, and then he shook his head. “I never should have married her.”

I couldn’t say I was surprised by this. In fact, Declan and I had tried talking him out of it, but he’d grown up without a dad and had sworn he wasn’t going to put his kid through that.

“I’m sorry. That sucks.”

“Yeah, it does. But what’s done is done. I just have to make the best of it until he’s eighteen, and then I can divorce her.” He leaned forward and set his empty bottle on the table. “You got any more of these?”

“Yeah. Get me one too, will you?”

Aidan pushed to his feet and looked to Declan. “You?”

Declan considered the half-full bottle in his hand. He didn’t drink a lot anymore—not since the epic bender that had nearly destroyed him—but here, among Aidan and I, he could let loose for a bit. “Yeah, sure. Why not.”

God, how times had changed.

“Remember when after a match we’d go out partying?” I laughed, recalling the wild scrapes we’d gotten into when we were younger. The lads coming up the ranks now had no idea the debauchery they’d missed out on. Everything was much more regimented these days.

Aidan set three bottles down between us and smirked. “Wasn’t that only like three years ago?”

Declan’s grin flattened into a hard, thin line. “A lot can happen in a couple of years.”

“Yeah, it can,” I agreed, leaning back on my palms, my legs stretched out in front of me.

“What’s up with you these days?” Aidan asked. “Your emails are kind of vague.”

My eyes flicked to Declan, and he gave a quick, almost imperceptible shake of his head. He knew about me and Lachlan, but I’d kept most of the details to myself. And I’d never breathed a word about any of it to Aidan.

When a couple of weeks back they’d asked if they could crash at my place after the match, I’d decided I’d confess everything to them tonight.

Now, my heart beat erratically in my chest, causing a whirring noise in my head. Kind of like the one I’d heard just before I’d lost consciousness in Lachlan’s restaurant the night of my team dinner.

But like I’d done then, I barreled forward. Reaching for my beer, I said, “I’ve met someone.”

Aidan’s eyebrow lifted. “That’s a surprise. I thought you’d stay single forever.”

“So did I, actually.”

“What’s her name?”

I stared down at my beer, twisting the bottle nervously in my hands, and took a few deep breaths. Raising my eyes to his interested gaze, I swallowed deep. “Lachlan.” I cleared my throat. “His name is Lachlan.”

One second passed. Two seconds, and then three while Aidan’s eyes stayed locked on mine. He took a deep pull on his beer and set the bottle aside. Eventually, he leaned back in his seat and asked, “What’s he like?”

My eyes caught Declan’s, and he just shrugged.

“I just told you I have a boyfriend, and you’re not going to say anything?”

“I did say something. I asked you to tell me about him.”

“You’re not shocked?”

I could understand why Declan hadn’t been surprised, but I’d never shared a wall with Aidan. He’d never had to listen to the sounds of men groaning and begging for cock coming from my computer late at night (and early in the morning).

Aidan shook his head. “Okay, so I’m kind of shocked. But then, not really either. In the fifteen years I’ve known you, I can name two people you dated for more than half a second. You fuck around, and when you get bored, you move on. Maybe you just hadn’t found what you were looking for.”

“But I could have been looking for a woman.”

He nodded. “True, you could have.” His eyebrows furrowed and he asked, “You do like women, right? That wasn’t all an elaborate act?”

I laughed. “No, I like women just fine. Well, I liked women. Now? Um …” I felt my cheeks coloring. “Let’s just say I’m probably a four on the Kinsey scale.”

“And it goes up to?”

“Six.”

“Meaning?” Aidan asked.

“It means I like pussy, but I love cock.” Aidan winced, and I chuckled. “Sorry, you asked.”

Declan elbowed him. “You did better than me, at least.”

“Nah, you were grand.” I looked between my two best friends. “You both are.”

“Well,” said Aidan, toeing off his shoes and tossing them in the corner. “If you’re willing to come out for the guy, I figure he’s important to you, and you’re my friend. Why wouldn’t I be happy for you?”

If you’re willing to come out for the guy …

Except I wasn’t, and there were moments—like now—where I was deeply ashamed of myself because of it.

“That’s the thing though. I’m not out. Well, not to anyone but you guys, Sean, and now one of my teammates who apparently saw us together.”

“Don’t forget that asshole from Heat.”

I groaned. “Yeah, and Conor.”

Aidan’s eyes flicked between me and Declan. “Do I even want to know?”

“It’s a long story,” I breathed out, running a hand through my hair in frustration. Even all these months later, just thinking about Conor Henry caused my blood pressure to spike. “Let’s just say the contract Dublin offered wasn’t my only reason for leaving Ireland.”

“Shit, I’m sorry.”

I waved away his concern. “You live and you learn.”

“And get blackmailed,” Declan offered unhelpfully, causing Aidan to wince again.

“Shit, I really am sorry.”

“Thanks,” I said, and the three of us fell silent.

Then, a few heartbeats later, Aidan asked, “You really have no intention of going public?”

I dropped back onto my elbows and blew out a long sigh. “No. Maybe. I don’t know.”

Aidan leaned forward and dropped his hands between his knees. His eyes startling bright, he asked, “Do you love him?”

“Maybe. I think so?” I groaned. “How the fuck do I know? You said it yourself: I don’t do relationships and all the shit that goes with it. Never have. I love spending time with him, and I love how I feel when we’re together. He makes me happy, but …”

Declan had fallen silent during my speech, but now he asked, “If he came to you tomorrow and said the only way you could be together was if you went public, what would you do?”

I groaned and closed my eyes. That was my worst nightmare. Literally. I’d dreamed about that exact scenario more times than I could count, and each time I’d woken up drenched in sweat with my heart somewhere in the vicinity of my throat.

Lachlan had been patient with me, but there was no mistaking that patience was in low supply. Especially lately. I was terrified the day was fast approaching when he’d give me an ultimatum. If he did, I was sure I’d break both our hearts by walking away.

I shook my head, the knowledge that our time was nearly up hanging heavy on my shoulders. “I’m not ready.”

“Then you don’t love him,” Declan declared with finality.

His easy pronouncement gnawed at my gut. He’d said it so easily, like there was no question about it—no fuzzy grey area where love might exist but needed more time.

Declan didn’t understand though. He’d had been half in love with Sophie his whole life, so when she’d come back to Ireland, he’d moved heaven and earth to make her his. And Aidan? Well, that poor fucker was in love with one woman while married to another. Despite his feelings about letting Katelyn raise Tiernan as a single mother, I was pretty sure if Tanya returned from wherever it was she’d disappeared to tomorrow and gave him an ultimatum, he’d choose her in a heartbeat.

But my situation wasn’t like theirs. First, I’d only known Lachlan a couple of months. I might be in love with him, or I might not. I might just be deeply in lust. I had no fucking clue.

But more than that, this wasn’t only about figuring out my feelings. It was about upending my entire life and becoming someone completely different from who I’d always been.

And I honestly didn’t think I was ready for that. But the biggest issue of all was that I didn’t know if I’d ever be ready.

Which I guess confirmed Declan’s point.

Because if I loved Lachlan—truly, honestly loved him—wouldn’t I do anything for us to be together? Wouldn’t I give up anything to make him mine?

“I guess I don’t then,” I said, collapsing onto my back with an angry laugh.

Except, why did saying so make me feel so fucking terrible?

“Quit being so dramatic,” Declan laughed. “You don’t have to fall in love with the first guy you fuck. It’s probably better if you don’t. And it’s not like you have to stop seeing him either. I mean, has he said he’s in love with you?”

I raised my head. “No.”

“Well, there you go then. Just enjoy him until you don’t.”

“You’re probably right,” I agreed, pushing myself into a seated position. “I’m just overthinking things, making them out to be a bigger deal than they actually are.”

Aidan’s eyes took on a faraway look before he blinked it away and shook his head.

“What?” I asked.

“Just … never mind.”

“Tell me.”

“No, I’m just projecting my own troubles on you. Ignore me.”

“You know I can’t. Now that you’ve opened your mouth, I’m going to obsess about what you wanted to say but didn’t. You may as well just tell me so I don’t have to harass you about it until you leave in the morning.”

He flopped back against the cushions with a sigh, and stared up at the ceiling. “If you don’t love him, and you don’t see yourself ever getting there, don’t lead him on.” He picked up his head and his eyes locked with mine. “I spent years thinking I could convince Tanya to change her mind. If she’d been upfront with me from the beginning instead of telling me that she loved me too, I might not have held out hope for so long. But she didn’t, so …” He shrugged, a sad little lift of his shoulders, as he peeled the label from his bottle with his thumbnail.

Even though I would have to eventually, I didn’t want to think about any of it now.

Lachlan and I were just having a good time.

The sex was fantastic, and we enjoyed each other’s company.

So what if his smile could light up that dark, empty place in my chest I hadn’t known existed until I’d met him?

So what if I found myself counting down the hours until I could see him again?

So what if on the nights we didn’t spend together, he was the last thing I thought about when I went to sleep and the first thing I pictured when I woke up?

So what if I’d never slept as well as I did when I was in his bed?

So what if the idea of not having him in my life made me feel sick with worry and like my whole fucking life would come to a standstill if I lost him?

So what if I actually did love him, but was too afraid to say it out loud because of what it meant I’d have to do?

So what if I was so fucking screwed it wasn’t even funny?

But I didn’t say any of that.

Instead, I lunged to my feet. “I’m going to need to get drunk after this conversation. Who else wants another?”

Simultaneously, Declan and Aidan raised their near-empty bottles.

“Alright then. Three more IPAs, coming right up.”