Chapter One
Della
Melissa, who I preferred to call Lissa, and I had been living in Melbourne for only a few weeks, and I was starting to get itchy feet. Not in a sense that I wanted to leave. So far I was enjoying Lissa’s friends and living there, but I needed to fill my time with something else instead of reading. I needed a job. I also needed to find myself a place to live. Lissa’s house was amazing, but her walls were thin, and each time Dallas stayed, I heard way too much going on in their room. Thank God for audio books and head phones.
A job could also help fill my mind with other things rather than the rough man who seemed to occupy it all the time.
Back in Sydney a couple of months ago, I’d made the wrong choice by trying to fill a void. But it had been more than that. I’d been attempting to gain back my control through Handle. It was wrong, especially since I was already attracted to the guy, even though I acted like I wasn’t. Men like him were hard to come by, and I never thought after everything I’d been through that I’d want to be touched. But I had, and I wasn’t sure if that was wrong or not after I’d dealt with sick monsters who’d raped and beat me.
Yet the night with Handle was everything a woman could hope for. He was gentle, sweet, and just plain amazing. Being around him made me feel safe, and that night I’d felt wanted and in control. Being with someone I wanted to be, where nothing was expected in return, had been empowering. I’d cowered away from those feelings, hadn’t touched on them in a long time.
Still, I had to move on, discover who I was before everything had happened. As each day passed, I was slowly coming back to me. A smile or a laugh here and there helped, though night-time was the hardest, especially when I found myself wishing a certain biker was next to me instead of the cold spot on the mattress.
It was at night I also missed my sister the most. She’d been such a loving soul. She’d had a beautiful outlook, not only on life, but on people as well. Ashley had trusted too much, and it was the one thing I’d warned her about that got her killed.
God. My sister was gone from the earth, and it wasn’t fair. She died too young. There was rarely a day that passed that I didn’t wish it had been me instead of her light disappearing forever.
But I was trying, truly trying to make a difference in my life. I was finally doing something I knew she would want me to do.
I was going to live.
Ending my life had once been a common thought every day, but no more. I was going to live since she couldn’t. And I could only hope she would be happy with how I lived my life.
Ashley was the main reason I kept going. I would find my happy medium and cherish each day as it came.
“Yo, Del,” Dallas called. “Want another drink?”
Shaking my head, I said, “No thanks.”
Lissa and I sat in the corner of Pick and Billy’s bar with Dallas and some of his other biker brothers. We were having a quiet drink and enjoying each other’s company. It was also the first chance we’d had to have a drink to celebrate our arrival in Melbourne. When we’d first arrived, we’d been busy with moving things in, changing addresses and such, and learning the lay of the land.
“So I was thinking, you know how you mentioned you wanted a job?” Lissa asked, and then took a sip of her bourbon and Coke.
“Yes.” I nodded. Since Lissa was a computer whiz, she was already working for the Hawks MC, redoing their websites and such for all their businesses, plus providing support for their other business in Sydney.
“Mena’s starting a day care at the compound for all the rug rats. She mentioned the other day needing some help.”
My eyes widened. Me and kids? That was a no go. Children and I didn’t mix. I was certain they knew I was scared to be around them. It was like a dog sensing when a person was frightened and got off by scaring them even more. Kids did the same with me.
I wasn’t sure what exactly it was about children that had me backing away quickly if they got close. Although, it could have something to do with snotty noses, smelly butts, and grubby hands. Hell, anyone would think after what I went through, I wouldn’t be so scared of little humans, but I was.
In fact, just the thought of being around them all day, every day had me swallowing hard.
Letting a nervous laugh free, I said, “Thank you, but no. I’d rather go back to stripping than work with kids.” I winced at my stupid joke. God, I wasn’t even sure why I’d said it. It just popped out and from the looks I was getting, everyone thought I’d lost it. Maybe I had.
“I’m not sure stripping would be a good idea right now with everything going on,” Lissa commented dryly.
That was true. There’d been a news article about the trouble happening at strip clubs around town. What I would call, from what I’d seen on the news, a madman was beating strippers as they left work. One had even been kidnapped, beaten, and then left for dead.
I certainly didn’t need or want to put myself in harm’s way again. Regret for letting the silly slip of my tongue filled me, causing my cheeks to heat.
“You ain’t strippin’” was bit out low behind me. My damn belly quivered from that voice.
However, I clenched my jaw. I hardly saw Handle, yet he apparently thought he could pop up unannounced and tell me what to do. It ticked me how I enjoyed it so much, hearing his voice, having him near. I’d assumed from him staying away from me that he was done having anything to do with me. I wasn’t ready to fully admit to myself how much that hurt. It was why I immediately took the offensive, so he didn’t see what I was feeling. Turning my head slightly, so I could just see him, I glared and snapped, “I will if I want to.”
He leaned down. His warm breath fanned the side of my face causing me to swallow hard and school my features. He snarled, “It’s a stupid thought. Don’t think it again, ’cause you won’t ever strip.”
My heart was frantic in my chest. I wanted to slap him, kiss him, and punch him all at the same time.
“Brother,” Dallas started, but I saw Handle’s hand come up and then heard Dallas sigh.
“You think it won’t bring up bad shit in your mind? You think—”
Standing abruptly, I turned to face him with my hands on my hips. He slowly ran his eyes up my body as he straightened.
“Handle, back the fuck off,” Lissa called from behind me.
Jabbing my finger in his chest, I said, “Yes, you need to shut the hell up, Handle.”
He crossed his arms over his chest. “You got nothin’ to be ashamed of with what happened to you. Everyone here knows what went on. We all know you gotta be smart, and the thought of you strippin’ isn’t a good move.”
Fuck him. Who the hell did he think he was presuming to know anything about what I felt, what I went through. And to do it in front of everyone…. My fists vibrated in anger. I was aware they all knew everything. It pained me how they knew what I went through, but only because I didn’t want their pity. They’d saved me, helped me out of a messed-up situation. Still, it wasn’t right speaking about it in front of strangers.
My hands landed on his chest, and I pushed. Only he didn’t move. I lasered my eyes into his, hoping he’d suddenly combust. When he didn’t, I let out a growl, pulled up my hands, slapped them to his chest and shoved. The prick didn’t move an inch. So I growled again in frustration and stormed past him, shoulder checking him along the way. Only I was sure it hurt me more than him when once again his body didn’t move.
I made it halfway across the floor and chose to yell, “You can’t tell me what to do, Handle.” Next, my arm was gripped, and I was spun to find a fuming Handle in my face.
“I can when it’s a stupid fuckin’ idea. You ain’t doin’ it, Della.”
Stepping closer, our noses only inches apart, I felt Handle release my arm to once again take on the I-am-man-you-listen-or-else position by crossing his arms over his bulky chest. Glaring, I snapped, “No man, never again, has a right to tell me what I can and can’t do. Get it through your thick head.”
Before he could say or grab me again, I quickly spun and stalked off, right out the front door. It was there I ran to Lissa’s car. When I realised I didn’t have the keys, I kicked the tyre then threw my head back and screamed into the night. Jesus, Ashley, who does he think he is? Can you help me work out the fool because I can’t?
He had no right.
No right to tell me what I could or couldn’t do.
Shit.
Tears prickled my eyes. I wasn’t going to cry. God, why did I want to cry?
That man turned me crazy.
I should have just told him I’d already come to the conclusion I wasn’t going to strip, but I didn’t. Instead, I snapped and ranted in his face. He deserved it, but I didn’t want to be that person.
Grumbling to myself again, I kicked at the dirt, throwing my hands to my hips.
Why did he have to be a dick and say that stuff in front of everyone? Or even say anything at all. He had no damn right.
“Del,” Lissa called. I looked her way to see her walking towards me. Dallas stood on the front steps to the bar, watching her every move. He didn’t like to let her out of his sight when they weren’t either in the compound, house, or outside of the bar. Unless there was another brother around who he trusted completely.
Why couldn’t I find someone like that? Of course Handle popped into my head. There was a time I’d thought he’d be it for me, but since we’d moved and I hadn’t seen him, I was second-guessing my choice.
I scoffed to myself. I didn’t need anyone right then anyway.
Hell, he’d probably be like Handle and try and tell me what to do. Then again, Dallas seemed to do the same to Lissa, only she told him where to go after it.
Melissa stopped in front of me, and before she could say anything, I got there first. “I’m sorry.”
Her brows rose. “Why?”
“We’re here to celebrate. I shouldn’t have ruined the night by letting him get to me.”
She shrugged, hopping up onto the hood of her car, patting the spot next to her. Once I was seated, she bumped my shoulder and quietly said, “I think you scared him.”
A laugh left me unexpectedly. “Scared? Handle? Why would he be scared?”
“I think the thought of you stripping when there’s been trouble around scared him.”
Scared Handle? No… what? Could he? Maybe?
Oh shit, there went my heart flourishing with hope that Handle did care and not in a protective guard type of way.
“It wasn’t like I actually said I was going to do it.” I shook my head. “He didn’t have to go off like that in front of everyone.”
“I know.”
“He’s such a… pain in the arse.”
“A good-looking one at that.”
Snorting, I shrugged, acting nonchalant. “He’s not my type. There’s also the fact I never want to get involved with another man anyway.”
She bumped my shoulder again. “At least not yet.”
Smiling, I admitted, “At least not yet.”
“You want to come back in? I’m sure he regrets how he acted by now.”
“No, thanks. I think I’ll head back and get some sleep.” I smirked. “Before you and Dallas get in and start rocking the walls.”
I also needed to get away from Handle before he drove me crazier, to a point where I’d end up jumping him to just shut him up.
Lissa busted out laughing. “I promise once I’ve renovated the master bedroom and we’ve moved into it, you won’t be able to hear a thing.”
“Praise the Lord.”
She sobered as she studied me. I knew what was about to come out of her mouth before she even opened it. “You okay?”
That question.
That damn question. I was tired of hearing it or getting asked it every day. I knew she, even Julian and Dallas, asked me all the time because they worried, and for that, it warmed me, but I was over it. I could only pray if they saw more smiles, laughs from me, with time that question wouldn’t pass their lips again.
When I eventually found a blissful life.
Sighing, I realised I might have to move away to someplace new to not hear the question. I was sure bliss and I didn’t, and never would, know each other.
Nodding to Lissa, I told her, “I’m okay, but eventually, one day I’ll be more than okay for the rest of my life.”
“Damn right you will.”
I smiled at her confidence, and I hoped I hadn’t just made a liar out of myself.