Chapter Five
Della
“So how did that make you feel?” Dr Robertson asked, and I wanted to punch her in the face. It seemed her favourite question every time I spoke.
Grinding my teeth together, I bit out, “Like I was losing myself. Which was why I went into his room that night to prove I still had control and a part of myself that was me wanting a man just to be close with.”
“And how did that—”
Standing, I glared and snapped, “I swear to God, if you ask me that lame-arse question again, I will scream.”
She smiled. My head reared back with how satisfied she was. Maybe she needed to seek some professional help.
“Finally, you’ve been sitting there like a robot answering. No life showed in you until, well, you yelled at me.”
“What?” I breathed, sitting back down in a slump.
“Della, it’s okay to be attracted to a man after everything that’s happened to you. But it seems you keep trying to tell yourself it’s about you wanting control back when really all it comes down to is how Handle made you feel and want again, and that’s perfectly normal.”
It was normal.
Huh, there you go.
“Every step will be challenging. You’ll second-guess everything because of what you went through, but all in all, it’s a normal process to wonder. You were violated in mind and body, Della. But most men aren’t like them. I think you know this about Handle already, but you’re still scared, and no one would blame you for it. For today at least, I just want you to go from here with the thought that it is okay to be attracted to a man.”
“Okay,” I whispered.
“Good.” She looked down at her clipboard and then up again. “It says here you haven’t had a physical since it all happened.”
“No.” My pulse raced under my skin at just the thought. Even after Elina and Lissa had encouraged me to go, I couldn’t. Whenever I’d tried to think I could, my body would react to a point I’d break out sweating with the shakes.
“Fear can be consuming, but with something important like this, especially for your future, it’s better to get it done. Have you had your monthlies after everything happened?”
My body tensed. I hadn’t.
“From the look on your face, you haven’t, which is fine, Della. You went through trauma. Your body could be stopping you from getting your period for a reason, and that’s more incentive for you to check everything is okay inside of you.”
“But, I was on the pill back then, and they all used protection.” A shudder ran through me.
“It’s not just about being pregnant. There’s a risk of sexually transmitted diseases.”
Nausea hit me. I clutched at my stomach. That thought had been in the back of my mind, but I’d locked it away. The last thing I wanted after everything was to be poked and prodded by doctors. I didn’t want anyone else to touch my body.
“I’m sorry, Della. I know this is hard, and Elina had been concerned when she tried to broach the subject with you, but you shut her down, so she thought with time you could consider it again.”
Needles, stranger’s hands touching me, feeling me, jabbing me.
“Della.” Dr Robertson’s voice came from right beside me. I jumped. “I can come with you if you’d prefer that?”
“I-I don’t think I can.”
She nodded. “At least now it’s in your mind, please consider it and, if you decide yes, I’m only a phone call away. I could meet you at the doctors’.”
“I’ll see.”
“Okay, that’s good. That’s all I’m asking for.”
Nodding, I stood, as did Robertson. She walked me to the door and opened it. “I’ll see you next week,” I said and then quickly got out of there.
As soon as I stepped out into the mid-morning sun, I stopped, tipped my head back and took a deep breath. My nerves were rattled, and my breakfast was thinking of coming up out of my stomach to join with the floor.
Deep down, I knew she was right. For my health, she was right, but my mind wouldn’t commit.
A car squealed. I opened my eyes and saw Lissa’s Toyota abruptly stop right in front of me. The door flung open. “Get in, get in.” My heart stopped at her fearful tone, but I did as she demanded and climbed into the passenger seat. Just as I closed the door, she took off, tyres squealing. “Club’s on lockdown. No one goes anywhere without someone at their side, and we have to keep our eyes open at all times.”
“What happened?” My grip of the dash turned my fingers white, while my pulse skipped higher and higher.
“Someone drove by the garage and shot at—”
“Who was hit?” I demanded, grabbing her arm.
“Relax, Del. Handle’s fine.”
I let my hand fall to my lap and rested back against the seat, breathing deeply to calm myself. Two scares in a matter of twelve hours wasn’t good for me, but it proved what I felt for Handle, no Finn, was stronger than I’d let myself admit.
“Are we going there now?”
“Yes. Dallas called. He can’t get away and didn’t want me home alone. When I said you were out, he ordered me to pick you up on the way. Until it’s resolved, everyone has to have another person with them at all times. They’d also prefer all women and children to stay indoors unless a brother or two is with them when they’re out.”
Oh, God. We moved from one situation to another. We were in trouble again by being associated with the Hawks MC. My breath started to come out in pants. I placed my hand over my chest. I wasn’t getting in enough oxygen.
“Della, do not go there. Calm down,” Lissa ordered.
“H-how?”
She grabbed my hand. “Honey, we’re safe. No one is going to harm us. The men won’t let that happen. I promise we’re safe. We just have to be vigilant. I’m sorry if I’m not relaying it right. I was a little freaked myself. The brother, Elvis, was shot right in front of Dallas. I’m not sure he’s handling it well because of the army situation.” She reached out and gripped my hand with hers. “Relax, we’re good. We’re safe.”
Nodding, I drew in a deep breath. “I-I’m sorry—”
“Don’t ever apologise. I should have thought and not just blurted everything out.”
With my breath under control, I rested back into the seat and closed my eyes for a moment. Glancing sideways, I told Lissa, “No. Please don’t ever hold back from what you’re feeling at the time. I was scared, but I know you’re right. Those men would do anything to protect us.” Finn would. He had, and he would again. I believed that. I just needed to see him. Had he witnessed the shooting? Had he been there when the drive-by happened? Was he all right?
The rest of the drive was quiet. When we pulled into the car park out the front of the compound, we saw two ambulances leaving. Parking, we both jumped out and made our way into the garage. Dallas stood with his hands clasped behind his head, legs spread. A face full of fury. Not far behind him was Finn. Only he had his arms crossed over his chest and also looked ready to kill someone. My body sagged with relief to see for myself he was whole.
He caught sight of us first. “What the fuck you both doing here?” he stormed over, took my arm in his damp hand, like he’d just washed, and dragged me deep into the garage. I glanced behind me to see Lissa claim Dallas in a hug before he leaned in to kiss her and then took her hand to follow us.
“I called my Tiny, Handle. Cool the fuck down. Didn’t want them alone.”
Finn dropped my arm and nodded to Dallas, but he was still pissed. His nostrils flared, his jaw clenched as he looked at me.
“How’s Elvis?” I asked hesitantly.
He grunted. “Not good.”
“Tiny, we gotta get cleaned up in here and get to the hospital. Take Della into the compound. The front’s locked. Only access is through the garage.”
“Where’s your clothes?” Lissa asked her man.
He blinked slowly and then looked down at himself, realising he was half-naked with no shirt. He sighed. “Had to use my tee to stop the blood.”
She wrapped her man up in her arms. Turning to give them a private moment, I saw Handle was also missing a tee. He only had his biker vest over his top half.
“Didn’t have a clean tee,” he answered my unasked question.
What I wanted to do was put my arms around him in comfort, not only for him, but for me too, but I didn’t. So I said the only thing I could think of. “Do you want me to do some washing while we wait?”
His body locked. “You’d do that for me?”
I shrugged like it was nothing, which really it wasn’t. But it seemed to be something for him. “If you walk around like that all day, you could cause accidents with the female population.”
Some of the anger evaporated from his features, his lips tipped up a little. “You sayin’ I’m good-looking, Del?”
Flicking my eyes left, then right, I shrugged again. “You’re okay.”
He snorted. “Sweetheart, you wanna do some washing, have at it. Already got a load in the machine that needs to be dried.”
“I can do that.”
“Right.”
“Okay.”
He smirked. His hand came out, and then it dropped back to his side. He fisted them both. “You all right?”
“I should be asking you that,” I said quietly.
“I’ll be good once we get this motherfucker and find out Elvis is okay.”
I nodded.
“You didn’t answer me though, you good?” he asked. I offered up another shrug. “Del, you know you’re safe with us, right?”
That was something I did know, even though I was scared out of my mind.
“Yes.”
“Good.”
Lissa cleared her throat. “You ready?” she asked.
“Yeah.” I smiled, and after she gave Dallas a quick brush of her lips, I followed her into the compound and found myself wishing I had the lady balls to have hugged or touched Finn in some way. When I mentioned to Lissa I was finishing up Handle’s washing, her head spun my way so quickly I was surprised she didn’t pull something.
“What?” I asked, making my way down the hall to the laundry room. I’d been there a few times, and it was big, a place one could get lost in, but I remembered where the kitchen and laundry rooms were.
“You’re doing his washing? How did he take that?”
“It’s not a big deal. I don’t know why you seem to be making it one.”
“Honey, how did Handle take it?”
“He was as surprised as you were that I offered, but I’m not going to sit around twiddling my thumbs while they clean up the mess of their brothers’ blood.”
“Being busy is good. We could have baked or something. Instead, you offered to do Handle’s laundry.”
Groaning, I shoved her shoulder. She stumbled into the wall laughing. “Women wash, so what?”
“Yes, women wash, but they do it usually for people they care about, people who’re in their lives, and people who mean something to them.”
I scoffed. “Cleaners don’t.”
“You’re not a cleaner around here… unless, do you want me to see if any of the other brothers have some washing they need doing, and you’ll do it for them?”
“Shut up,” I bit out, and again she laughed.
Entering the laundry room, I went to one of the washing machines and found the right one with Finn’s clothes. There was also a pile of dirty clothes on the floor next to it. Once I had the first load out and in the dryer, I started washing the next load. God, did the man ever wash? The pile would take me another two loads of washing at least. So I started the second washing machine with a load.
Turning, I found Lissa sitting on the long table just watching me. Rolling my eyes, I told her, “You’re giving me the creeps. You could help.”
“With what? You have it all under control. I’m surprised though.”
“By what?”
“You didn’t even sniff his jocks or rub his clothes up against your face. It’s surprising since you’re so hot for him. I thought you would have taken a sniff at least.”
“You. Are. Disgusting.”
She started cackling, bending forward to hold her stomach. What she didn’t know was that I would never be a jock sniffer. Instead, I loved the smell of his tees more and picking them up was enough for the scent to waft up and slap me in the face, making me dizzy with want.
“Say,” Lissa started after she’d calmed down, “you’re handling things pretty well.”
Smirking, I asked, “Did you think I’d be in a corner rocking back and forth?” The thought had occurred to me, but it slid away when I spotted Finn.
“Maybe,” she admitted sheepishly. “Sorry.”
Laughing, I shook my head. “Don’t be. It was my first thought, and you saw for a moment there I wasn’t handling it well in the car, but once… I, um, with Finn reassuring me we’d be safe, it helped.”
It more than helped, seeing him. Even when he was obviously highly strung himself, he calmed himself enough to comfort me in a way where I felt soothed.
“I like this,” Lissa said softly, her eyes shining.
“What?” I asked, leaning back into the washing machine. Did she mean me calling Handle Finn?
“My Del’s coming back into herself.”
My eyes widened as the statement hit me. She was right. I still had a long way to go, but I hadn’t felt so like myself in a long time. When and how had it happened? Talking with Elina? Moving to Melbourne? Lissa and Dallas? Finn? Honestly, it was everything wrapped into one.
Relaxing again, I smiled at Lissa and said, just as softly back, “I’m liking it too.”
There was just one thing I needed to complete. A visit to the doctors. Maybe.