CHAPTER 14
Ainsleigh
T he next morning, I woke with a pounding head. My eyes were stuffy and raw feeling from all the crying I’d done throughout the night when I woke up. The reality of what the day was hit me full force. The reality of our situation hit me even harder.
Could I have this baby?
Would I be a good mother?
Those questions and more passed through my mind as I eased away from Gentry. I needed to go somewhere I hadn’t been in four years. I’d waited since coming home to go. I needed to do this alone. Today was the perfect day to face what I’d yet to face and since it was still early, no one would try to push themselves on going with me.
I threw my hair up in a messy ponytail and pulled on a pair of Gentry’s sweatpants and a t-shirt. Where I was going didn’t require me looking any different than I already was. I slipped on a pair of flip flops I’d left up here and grabbed my purse before I headed out the door.
I took the steps quietly so I wouldn’t wake up Gentry. He was the one I was worried about going with me. I needed to do this by myself more than anything right now.
Taking a deep breath once I got to my Jeep, I opened the door and climbed inside. My palms grew sweaty as the realization hit me on where I was actually heading. With shaky hands, I placed the key in the ignition and started the vehicle. I put the Jeep in reverse and backed out of the parking spot, coming to a stop once I faced the direction to go down the driveway. I could still turn around and go to Gentry’s room. But I didn’t. Instead, I used every ounce of strength I had to put the Jeep in drive and headed in the direction of my destination.
Twenty minutes later, I pulled through the wrought iron gates of the cemetery. Even though I’d only been to the spot I was headed to once, I knew the way. I’d never forget where she was buried as long as I lived. My heart rate picked up the closer I got. The tree came into view first. It was a gorgeous weeping willow tree that sat off to the right. The spot was picked because of the beauty of it. She’d always have a beautiful resting place if nothing else. The tears started just as I pulled up beside it and shut of the Jeep. I didn’t bother wiping them away. More would come the moment I reached her headstone.
I got out but didn’t bother taking the keys out of the ignition. No one would bother me here. On unsteady legs, I walked toward her. There was only one headstone directly under the tree. Moving its beautiful branches out of the way, I stepped under the tree and it came into view. A bench sat off to the left, something that was placed here long after I was in Virginia.
Sitting down in front of the stone, I read the name that was printed in big, bold letters.
Arabella Faith Parkhurst.
A beautiful name for a beautiful little girl.
My hand reached up and traced each letter as more tears escaped. I could barely see the letters to finish tracing them. Once I was done, my mind and body were spent. I laid down in front of the headstone and cried harder than I had since the day we lost her.
A day that instantly came to the forefront of my mind.
“Mom, there’s no way I’m going to be able to fit into this damn dress,” I screamed at her.
I’d gained no more weight than when I’d tried it on, but I was bigger than I was a month ago. The skin of my stomach now stretched to the max, and I had four more weeks to go. There was no way I was making it that long. She’d be here long before that due date, I just knew it.
“You’ll look just as beautiful as the day you tried it on. Now put it on so I can see how it looks,” my mother said as she came into the room to help me get ready.
She shut the door behind her so I could take off my nightgown and get dressed without one of my brothers walking in.
I unbuttoned my nightgown and slipped off the cotton material. I held up my arms, and my mother helped me slip the black cotton material over my head. She pulled the dress down to cover my stomach. The dress hit just above my knees. Surprisingly, it didn’t feel tight like I’d assumed.
“See, you look beautiful,” my mother replied as she turned me to face the mirror on my closet.
I took in my reflection. The dress was a simple black cotton sundress. I should’ve gotten something dressier, but no other material felt good on my stomach other than cotton. No one would see it anyway, with my graduation gown covering it. I got a pair of flat black dressy sandals to match so I would be able to comfortably walk across the stage.
Turning around, my hand hit the bottle of perfume that sat on the edge of my vanity. Without thinking, I bent forward and tried to catch it before it hit the ground.
I felt a sudden twinge in my stomach that felt like a pop before I let out a scream at the pain that it caused. The pain was so severe it brought me to my knees and caused me to curl up in a ball.
“Momma, something is wrong,” I screamed as she rushed to my side. She’d gone across the room to get my shoes while I looked in the mirror.
She screamed for someone to help as she tried to assure me it was okay. That was when I felt wetness between my legs. I reached down to check and see if it was just my water that had broken. Only when I brought my hand up it was covered in a stain of red. My hand shook at the reality of the situation.
Something was wrong.
Very wrong.
I felt it in the pit of my stomach as I continued to stare at my blood-stained hand.
Holden appeared in my room in a flash and came to my side.
“Sis, it’s going to be okay. I’m going to pick you up, and we’re going to get you to the hospital. I’m gonna need you to remain calm and breathe for me, okay,” he said as I felt his hands go underneath my body and lift me up in his arms.
I screamed out in pain at the movement and started to cry. This couldn’t be happening.
Holden got into the back of my mom’s Jeep somehow without putting me down as he held me in his arms.
“You need to hang in there for me, Ainsleigh. Mom is going to get us there before we know it, and you’re going to be just fine. So is little miss Arabella. Just keep breathing for me and concentrate on my voice,” he said as he rubbed his thumb up and down my arm.
I tried. I really did. But I felt so weak. So tired. All I wanted to do was rest my eyes. I closed them and felt myself slipping away.
The last thing I remembered was Holden screaming for my mom to drive faster and for me to wake up.
The crunching of the grass brought me out of my thoughts as I pushed myself up to see who was here.
Gentry.
There was pain in his eyes, and he took in the sight of me then her headstone.
He sat down beside me and leaned back pressing a kiss to the top of her headstone before pulling me into his arms.
“She should be here with us, Gentry. I’m so very sorry I couldn’t save her. I was supposed to protect her, and I didn’t,” I said with a sob.
Our beautiful little girl was born an hour after I’d arrived at the hospital that day. Our forever sleeping angel. She’d never take her first breath. She’d never get to say her first word. We’d never get to hear her laugh or cry or give her our love. And it was all so fucking unfair.
“You didn’t do anything wrong, Ainsleigh. The doctors told you that. It was just one of those things that happened. You have to forgive yourself.”
I knew he was right. But how did I manage to do that? She was mine. She was ours, and her life was over before it ever got a chance to begin.
I felt her loss each and every day. The only way I coped in college was by getting her tiny handprint tattooed on my shoulder so I could feel her with me every day. When that stopped working, her footprints were placed on the tops of my feet so she’d have a chance to always walk in my shoes. Seeing her tiny footprints helped me in a way most wouldn’t understand. I felt her with me when I looked at them.
Finally, I whispered my own truth. Words I’d yet to admit to anyone, let alone myself.
“I don’t know how.”
“I’ll help you get there. You just have to let me. You can’t bottle all of it in. I know you don’t want to hear this, but you have somewhere else you need to go and I’m taking you there,” he said before he stood.
I knew where he was taking me, and I didn’t like the idea one bit.
“I can’t go there, Gentry. I’m not ready.”
“Tough. You can’t heal until you do,” he replied before he picked me up, tossing me over his shoulder yet again.
“You can’t do this to me again, Gentry. My Jeep is here. My purse and keys are inside.”
He walked us over to my Jeep and retrieved the items before he locked the doors.
“I’ll text one of your brothers. They’ll gladly come and get your vehicle.”
He just had all the damn answers, now didn’t he?
He placed me inside of his truck and gave me a glare, daring me to exit before he shut the door.
I should’ve gotten out and ran, but he had my damn purse and keys.
Instead, I crossed my arms over my chest to show my irritation and leaned my head against the glass of the window.
He could take me there all he wanted. I wasn’t leaving the confines of his truck. That much I knew. I’d fight him tooth and nail before I went inside.
We drove in silence the entire way. I refused to speak to him, and he knew better than to try to talk to me.
He pulled into a driveway just a mile down the road from my parents’ house. He drove slowly down the winding path before the house came into view.
My grandparents used to live here. They left me the house when they passed away. Gentry, Arabella, and I were supposed to live here as a family. We’d done everything to get the house ready before she was due to come into the world. My brothers and parents all helped us remodel the space to fit our needs, and before long the house turned into a place we would call home.
Only now it sat vacant. Walls encased with brick sat empty for the past four years. The three-bedroom rancher was just another house. Those walls and everything within them went from being a dream come true to a nightmare that sat right before my eyes.
He parked the truck and got out. Hurriedly, I pushed the lock button on the door to keep him from getting to me. Only I should’ve known better. He used his key to open the door and grabbed my arm, tossing me over his shoulder once again.
“I don’t want to go in there, Gentry. Put me the fuck down right now. I’m not ready to face that yet. Please,” I pleaded, but it was no use. He either tuned me out or was downright ignoring me. He walked up the path of the sidewalk and up the five steps to the wraparound porch.
He unlocked the door and walked us inside. I felt my chest start to close up at the thought of being at this house. Suddenly, I couldn’t get air in my lungs fast enough. Gentry sensed my unease and placed me on the couch once we were inside.
He knelt in front of me and rubbed his hands up and down my legs to calm me down.
“You need to breathe, Ainsleigh. In through your nose, out through your mouth,” he coached. I tried to listen. I tried to focus on his words, but I couldn’t. It just kept getting harder and harder to breathe.
“Look at me, Ainsleigh. Come on, baby, focus on me,” he demanded, and I looked down at him, my chest still rapidly rising and falling. I felt the panic attack worsen the more I focused on his movements and mimicked his breathing technique.
Finally, after what felt like an eternity, I could breathe again.
“I’m right here with you. You’re not alone. I’d never let you face this place by yourself. We’re going to do it together, okay?”
I could only nod. I didn’t want to do this. But I did want to heal. Maybe he was right. Maybe this would only make everything worse. I wouldn’t know unless I tried.
“Are you okay to stand now?”
Again, I only nodded my response.
He pulled me into a standing position and linked his fingers through mine. I could feel his strength radiating off him. If only I was strong enough to face this like he appeared to be.
I moved like a zombie behind him as he led us down the hallway and to the last door on the right. The door remained closed. A wooden letter A still hung on the outside.
He turned to face me.
“You can do this. I’m right here with you,” he reaffirmed. I hoped he was right.
He turned toward the door and reached for the handle to let us inside.
Ever so slowly, the door opened with a creaking sound.
I stood there rooted to the spot for an unknown amount of time.
His hand squeezing mine brought me out of the daze as he pulled me through the entryway.
Everything was exactly as we’d set it up four years ago. Only there was no dust. No sign that this room had been shut off to the world.
The pink fuzzy rug still lay in the center of the space.
The rocking chair still sat by the window.
Her crib still sat against the wall by the door.
Walking further inside, I looked up to the wall that her crib was against. The white letters still stood out on the pale pink painted wall. Her name shined so brightly. Letters we’d painted ourselves.
I was shocked he’d left this room just the way it was.
I’d always wondered why he stayed in the barn when he easily could’ve just lived here. He had a key. I didn’t have the heart to retrieve it from him before I left. Most probably thought I didn’t have a heart at all with the way I disappeared one day and didn’t return until now.
“Why?” I asked, hoping he understood the underlying meaning to my question. I held it together surprisingly. Probably because I didn’t have any more tears left to cry.
“I didn’t have the heart to pack it all up. I hired someone to come in once a month and clean the place. I come here sometimes just to see the pictures of you and me. The pictures we took of her before we buried her. But most of all, I didn’t want to do any of that without you here with me. She was yours just as much as she was mine. I felt like packing it all up would somehow erase the fact that she was supposed to be here.”
I didn’t expect him to say those words. He always spoke what was on his mind, and that was one of the things I loved about him. As much as I wanted to push him away, being away from him took more energy than walking toward him. The fact of the matter was that we made sense. With him, I felt at peace. I felt at home. And now I had to face the same fear I never wanted to face again by having another child. The thought terrified me. I couldn’t handle losing another baby which was why I didn’t want to have any more children. I should’ve made sure we were safe, but being around him made me lose all rational thought.
“I need to be honest with you. I’m terrified to have this baby. My throat feels like it’s closing every time I think about it. I don’t know if I can do this,” I said before I turned away from him. Just saying those words gutted me.
“You’re stronger than you think you are, Ainsleigh. And I’ll be here every step of the way. We’ll make an appointment with the doctor and see what he has to say. We’ll take every precaution to make sure this baby comes into the world. You just have to have faith,” he replied as he walked up behind me and wrapped his arms around me.
“Let’s go get some breakfast. You need to eat,” he said as he pulled me out of her room and shut the door.
He walked into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator.
“What are you doing?”
“I brought some stuff over here before I came to get you. I had a feeling you were going to visit her and wouldn’t want to be around anyone afterward. So you’re going to sit your sexy ass at that table while I make us some eggs and toast with decaf coffee and juice,” he demanded with a sexy smirk.
“Yes, sir,” I chuckled as I sat down.
I hoped he was right. Because if he wasn’t, losing this baby would kill me.