Xavier
She could have been saying the world was about to end and I wouldn’t have even known.
I didn’t hear a word. And I didn’t have a care in the world.
Just to stare into those big brown eyes of hers again was all I needed.
I feel her hands on top of mine and realize she’s slid them across the table.
“Are you there?” she says then laughs.
“Sorry, I was just thinking about something?”
“What were you thinking about?”
“How perfect you are. How perfect we are. How we both had these secret crushes for all these years and then we finally found out and it was explosive. And then it was over almost as soon as it started. And now here we are again. I don’t want to sound crazy, but it’s destiny. And it’s right. I can feel it. I’ve always been more of a logical kind of person…trying to rationalize decisions and think everything through, but with you I just feel. It’s a totally different way and it only happens with you. It’s a subconscious thing that’s beyond my control, not that I’d want to control it at all. It’s free. It’s unharnessed. It’s raw. And it’s perfect.”
She smiles even wider. “I was just thinking you were going to tell me about how good the coffee was here.”
“Yeah, that too,” I say.
We both laugh. I roll my palms over the table and take her hands in mine.
She takes a deep breath and the smile on her face turns serious.
I don’t like that look. I only want to see her happy. Always.
“What’s wrong?”
“I have some news. Something that I just very, very recently found out and…I really need to share it with you.”
“Anything. Tell me. You know I’m here for you.”
“I know, but something happened that…how should I say it? You didn’t really ‘sign up’ for.”
“I’m signed up for everything when it comes to you.”
She takes in another deep breath and her expression changes from worry to one of resignation. I can see she’s just going to come straight out with it.
“I’m pregnant.”
I freeze immediately. A million thoughts fill my brain and then I oddly feel them all disappear. It’s like my brain is empty. Again, I’m just feeling. Images of a little boy flash through my head. We’re outside playing catch. Suddenly the little boy is replaced with one of a little girl, and we’re on a park bench eating ice cream cones and I’m trying my best to explain to her the answer to her question. “Daddy, why is the sky blue?” I realize I don’t actually know, in the science kind of way, so I just tell her because it matches the color of her eyes. Then my mind flashes forward to more children running around outside. They’re yelling, and screaming, and playing and having fun. It’s pure mayhem and it’s pure happiness.
My mind continues and I completely lose track of where I am again. Some people say they see things when they almost die? I am seeing things because I’ve finally begun to live. To imagine how beautiful life could be as a father. As a husband. As a protector. As a provider. As a lover. As an understanding and encouraging parent.
It’s everything I ever wanted and never really quite knew I wanted it, because until recently I never knew we could be together.
But we can. And we will. And this only makes things that much better.
“You’re not saying anything,” she says. She looks nervous.
I reach out my hand and run it across her cheek. I just look at her and marvel at her strength. Was she going to tell me this or was she prepared to go it alone? A flash of anger hits me briefly as I think about not knowing if she was ready to do this by herself if I hadn’t showed up and how much that would have destroyed me. But today isn’t about anger. Today is about happiness. It’s not about what might have happened. It’s about what is happening.
I brush her cheek again realizing I’ll never have this moment again. I’ll never get this kind of news from her again. Something that bonds us permanently more than anything else in the world.
“Say something. Please. Say anything.”
I open my mouth and pause. I feel my top teeth come down on my lower lip.
“I love you.”