Leah
I feel completely numb as I push open the door to my office. Another rep comes in behind me and helps me. I barely have the strength to get it open.
“You okay? You look ill?”
“I’m okay. Just the air-conditioning. Allergies are acting up today and for some reason aircon triggers it from time to time.”
He nods and heads off down the hall. He’s about my age so he’s probably being worked to death as well.
I don’t go to my desk though. I head straight to the ladies room. Back stall and door shut.
And then the tears come.
I absolutely can’t believe it, but now it makes complete sense. How could I be so careless? How could I have put myself in this position?
I’ll have to wait for the tests to come back but the over the counter test seemed pretty conclusive.
I’m pregnant.
And it’s Xavier’s child.
I haven’t even spoken to him in a month. I’m running myself ragged here. And I have no idea who I should tell if anyone.
As much as I don’t know there is one thing I do know with absolute certainty.
I am keeping this baby. My baby. His baby. Our baby.
But how do I even approach him and ask him if he wants to be involved? How do you drop a bomb like that on someone?
I don’t think you can. Not in these circumstance.
Luckily my agency has a great health care program and are actually very good with time off for childbirth. But how can I really expect to raise this baby on my own? And what if it’s a boy? He needs a positive male influence. And I’m not even thinking about who’s going to want a single mother who’s struggling to get by because I know there’s only one man for me.
I’m not interested in other guys. Most guys my age are still stuck in their college phase, even though that’s ended. And a lot of older guys have just let themselves go. Dad bod is an epidemic. I don’t want to sound shallow, but I need a real man who can be a leader and set a good example in all forms of life.
And again there’s only one man who checks all those boxes for me.
In between sobs I laugh. It’s the same man who’s given me this baby! I should be ecstatic, and in some ways I am. But in a whole lot of others I’m terrified.
My feelings are running polar opposites of each other right now and now that I’m pregnant it’s only going to get worse.
And how can I keep up at work while not jeopardizing the health of my child? Sleeping at my desk, working myself to the bone, and a terrible diet are not going to cut it anymore.
And when do I tell my boss? What do I tell my boss? “Hi, your ‘responsible’ employee is pregnant from a one night stand?” It’s not a one-night stand, but that’s how she’ll see it. It’s not like I can just deflect questions from management and co-workers. “Oh you know this is L.A., the father is a big deal and wants to remain anonymous.” I’ll sound like a douche or that I went to a sperm bank, which will only increase the ridicule I get at work.
And what do I tell my family? “Hey, I didn’t get a promotion yet, but I did get pregnant!” Uh…no.
And of course most importantly. Do I tell him?
And if I do how will he react?
Will he react? Will he even speak to me?
What have I gotten myself into this time?