Since Levi had left a few days ago, he’d called early on before they flew out of Fairbanks and when they were at their base camp. Like a lovesick idiot, I answered the phone. Every time. The first two calls, I’d managed to be normal. You know, I told him how my day went and that I fed Ham carrots. But then, there was the last call.

Just thinking about it, my face got hot. I’d replayed it a few hundred times and still couldn’t get over it. I’d said something colossally stupid.

It all started when he told me he missed me. For a second, I let myself soak in his words. Then, it was like a boomerang inside. I couldn’t let myself savor any of it. I missed him so much, my heart literally ached, and I was furious for it. I’d let down my guard, and now I’d set myself up. Because there was no way this could work. I didn’t have it in me to do a relationship. The very idea terrified me.

When I didn’t say anything, he pushed a little too much.

“Lucy, you know it wouldn’t be so bad to actually talk about the fact there’s something between us.”

My simmering anger flashed hot. I hated talking about my feelings. And this? He wanted me to talk about us? No. Just no.

I supposed that was a normal thing for a person who was doing what we were doing to say. But I couldn’t deal. At all.

Cue the stupid.

“You don’t understand,” I blurted out. “It’s not okay. There is no happily ever after. Not in my world.”

I heard his breath hiss. “Why would you say that?” he asked, sounding deflated.

Cornered and vulnerable, I lashed out because it was all I knew how to do.

“Levi, you have no fucking clue. You have the perfect family. Your parents are nice, and they’re still together. They love you, and they would do anything for you. I’m happy for you. I really am. But that’s not my family. My father was awful. He was verbally and emotionally abusive to my mother for my whole childhood. Sometimes he beat her up, and then he beat me up…”

I paused to catch my breath because all kinds of emotions I’d stuffed deep down were barreling though me so fast, I could hardly breathe. I didn’t know if Levi actually asked why, but in my mind, he did. So I continued, my words pouring out like a runaway train.

“See, I was shy in high school. It was a big high school, and I didn’t have many friends because we moved all the time. Like an idiot, I had a crush on a guy. He took me to a dance. I was on cloud nine, and I lost my virginity. That wasn’t a bad thing, but then he told the whole school, and I got slut shamed like you wouldn’t believe. I still don’t know how, but somehow my fucking father found out. He’d hated my mother forever because she got pregnant in high school, and he blamed his whole shitty life on her for that. He was furious at me and said I was trying to do the same thing. I went to bed with two black eyes. Then, I went to foster care and that was the best thing that ever happened to me. That’s what a mess my family was. The next best thing was when my mom finally got the nerve to leave my dad, and we moved to Willow Brook.”

As soon as I stopped talking, there was a rushing sound in my ears. I wanted to scream and cry. I couldn’t believe I’d just told him that. I didn’t tell anyone this. Even Amelia only had bits and pieces.

Because he was a good man, Levi tried to be nice.

“Lucy, I’m sorry. That’s terrible,” he said, his voice careful as if he wasn’t sure what to say.

Tears rolled hot down my cheeks. I had to get off the phone. “I have to go.”

“No! Lucy, don’t just hang up. Let me…”

I cut him off. “Let you what? Tell me it’ll be okay? Let you feel bad for me? No! It’s the past. It’s over. But you have to understand not everyone gets the kind of life you had growing up. It’s not all sunshine and roses.”

“You’re not even giving me a chance. I’m not gonna tell you what happened was okay. It wasn’t. I can be sad something happened to you without feeling bad for you. Let me be there for you. Let…” He paused as he took a ragged breath. “Lucy, just let me love…”

I couldn’t listen. It hurt too much. I hung up and wisely turned my phone off right away.

That had been a complete disaster. I was mortified. Letting out the worst part of my buried past made me feel more vulnerable when I already felt like I was skidding sideways inside when it came to him. The only upside was it reinforced what I needed to do. As soon as Levi came back, I had to move out.