- Ar'ox -

My mind is a chaos of conflicting thoughts as I wander aimlessly around in the jungle, not being on my guard against dangers as much as I should. I step on dry twigs so they snap loudly, I don't keep looking up at the treetops for dangers from above and I pick directions that could lead me straight into a nest of rekhs or that will show my silhouette clearly against the sky.

Now Emilia claims to not be the Messenger after all. And that does resonate with something in me. Because she seems different than I would have expected from a figure out of the myths and prophecies. Would the Ancestors send us someone like her? Surely the Messenger would be more majestic and less ... earthy? Surely the Messenger would want the Gift, and surely she would know exactly what it was? And surely the Messenger would never claim not to be the Messenger? What would be the point of that? What kind of name is 'Emilia' anyway? She's undoubtedly a woman, but she looks so different from us in the tribe that it seems strange that she should represent our own Women.

It's easier to think in the jungle. It forces honesty out of me. The truth is that I wanted her to be the Messenger. I wanted that very much. Because then she would be mine. I would be her Mate. Forever. Decreed by the Ancestors. I desire nothing more than that. To be her Mate and live with her and have her near me for the rest of my life. I have never felt such desire, and it clouds my judgment.

Hen'ex is sure that she's the Messenger, and now that I'm being honest with myself, that doesn't exactly strengthen the case. He has his own reasons, and they are not mine. He has also changed his opinions about her and the Gift many times in just a few days.

What if she's not the Messenger? Can I still be her Mate? Or mate, rather? Do I need the support of a prophecy to feel that I'm good enough for her? Do women stay with one male? Do they only mate with men who are their prophesied Mate? What would she expect of me?

I don't even know where I've been walking. When the sun sets I find myself by the Springs of Merk, looking down into the clear water and hearing the slight hiss from the hole in the rock where it comes out. We had a fine time here. Until Hen'ex ruined the moment.

What if she's not the Messenger? Will Hen'ex pronounce her some kind of impostor? Some kind of demon? There's always that danger. Many in the tribe will follow the shaman's orders without hesitation. Will someone try to take her from me? What if Hen'ex takes her to his cave? What if she - my heart sinks into my toes – prefers him? Or someone else? I draw my breath in sharply in horror. No, that doesn't bear thinking about.

A thorntail comes charging at me through the bushes, and I absentmindedly thrust my sword through its heart.

What if she's not the Messenger? If she stays with me – will she keep doing the strange things she's done? Will I have to keep an eye on her so she doesn't go into the jungle and bring back a deadbite or a pack of manbanes? Will she innocently set fire to the salen trees or give everyone poisonous stingberries to eat? She's so childlike and eager in her innocence, so in need of protection.

And so soft and so smooth and so sweet-smelling. Her eyes are deep and dark and so full of life and thoughts that I sometimes have to catch my breath when I look into them. Whatever emotion she has, it can be read on her open, alien face. She cries bitter tears sometimes, and happy ones at other times. Her touch is so gentle and still so important. Her voice is so clear and so bright and so melodious that I can just listen to it for hours. Her speech so childlike and so honest.

What if she's not the Messenger? Can I live with her anyway? Will she want to? If not, what do I do? Shall I help her get to her home, as she's asked me? What kind of home is that? If she's not the Messenger, it means that she's not been testing us. She really wants to go to that home.

I keep staring into the water until the woods are dark. And then I know.

She's not the Messenger. She says it, so I accept that. But it doesn't matter. I can't be without her. I just can't. When I think about life with her, my future is bright and happy. A life without her I can't even imagine.

I look up to the stars. That's where she comes from. But not from our Women. And when everyone knows that, she might be in danger. Indeed she might be in danger right now, if she's told more people about it.

I walk fast back towards the village, back to proper jungle form, being on my guard and watching for dangers in the dark.

I have to get back to her. If she wants to go somewhere, I'll help her. I'll help her get home. If she'll let me.

I've always felt that something was missing. Since I met Emilia, that thought hasn't crossed my mind. It is she who makes my life whole. And I will not throw that away. The tribe will have to take care of itself for some days.

I walk faster. Soon she will be in my arms again.