The parents had all cleared out shortly after dinner was over. Talk of my impending date had thankfully died off when the tryptophan started to hit everyone. Lola had laid down for one of her many pregnancy naps, and everyone else scattered to different parts of the house. I’d taken the opportunity to snatch up the baby and escape to the quiet sanctuary of the nursery upstairs to prevent any more questions.

“Your mommy is a nutter,” I cooed in a baby voice as I bounced Evie on my hip.

She let out a little baby squeal before shoving her whole fist in her mouth.

I giggled down at her, unable to keep a straight face when the cute, pudgy little girl gave me that gummy grin. “That’s right, a nutter. She totally screwed Aunty Fee.”

In response, Evie leaned in and tried to suck on my chin while smacking me in the chest with her tiny balled-up fist.

“Who’s Auntie Fee’s special girl? Who’s her little angel?” I baby-talked, nuzzling her neck to make her giggle again. I inhaled deeply, pulling that soothing baby smell into my lungs.

“You’re good with her.”

My head shot up. Deacon stood in the doorway, watching me and Evie closely.

“Uh, thanks.”

He stepped farther into the room, and the air around us grew uncomfortably thick. I hated that being in such close quarters with him felt so weird. Deacon had been the most important person in my life for so long. Growing up, he meant everything to me. Still did, honestly. And now there was this huge chasm keeping us apart. It was like I was standing in front of a stranger. It broke my heart.

“So,” he started slowly, “a blind date with a doctor. That’s….”

“Insane?” I asked with an awkward laugh. One corner of his mouth hitched up in a crooked smirk, and my belly instantly warmed at the sight of it. In an attempt to keep myself grounded, I held Evie even closer to my chest.

“I was going to say out of character.”

My mouth curved into a slight confused frown. “How so?”

Deacon’s shoulder lifted in a casual shrug. “It’s just… the way they went on about the guy you’d think he created a cure for cancer or something. It was almost like they thought his occupation was the most important thing about him. You just never struck me as the type of woman to give a shit about that kind of stuff.”

I couldn’t help but feel offended at the implication that I could be that shallow. “I don’t,” I snapped somewhat bitterly. “I couldn’t care less if he was a surgeon or the dude who shoveled roadkill off the highway. Are you saying I’m conceited?”

His head jerked back infinitesimally. “Shit, no. That wasn’t what I meant. You know me better than that. I was just surprised is all. You’ve always been kind of private. A blind date is really out of the ordinary for you.”

My shoulders drooped with relief once I realized he wasn’t insulting me. “Oh. Yeah. Well, you know the girls. When they get something in their heads, there’s no talking them out of it. All you can do is brace.”

He chuckled, and I felt that down to my core. “Yeah. I get that.”

Why is this so freaking hard?

It had been more than a year since that night he laid it all on the table. More than a year since I lost him all over again, all because I was scared. Daphne had once told me that the ball was in my court. He’d taken the first step and I shot him down. If there was any hope of having him back in my life, it was up to me to take the next step.

I’d wanted to. God, how I’d wanted to.

I tried my hardest to explain. I wanted him to know that I felt the same way he did, that he was it for me. I wanted to apologize for not seeing it, for being so goddamned blind. I wanted to tell him just how badly I wanted him, how he’d consumed my every thought since that kiss on my porch. I wanted to make it right so I could finally have him.

But when Deacon said he was done, he’d meant it in every way possible. He shut me out completely. Any attempt I made failed so epically that it actually caused physical pain. Then Leah entered the picture a few months back.

I could count on one hand the number of times Deacon and I had been in the same room together over the past year, and this was the first time we’d actually spoken.

I had been dreaming of this moment, craving it. Missing Deacon was like missing a crucial piece of myself. But now that the moment had actually arrived, I was so overcome with nerves that I couldn’t manage to think of anything to say.

We stared at each other, the discomfort growing palpable. Thank God for Evie. She chose that very moment to let out a shrill scream, announcing to the room that she wasn’t happy with the lack of attention on her, and smacked my cheek.

“Guess she’s used to being the center of attention,” Deacon joked, moving further into the room and extending a finger in her direction. Evie quickly latched on and tried her best to shove his finger into her mouth.

“Yeah, well can you blame her? She’s so adorable she totally deserves it.”

Deacon’s eyes came back to me as he managed to extract his finger and take a few steps back. “Can’t argue that.”

The silence started to spread again, and I couldn’t take it anymore. “So how have you been?” I asked, blurting out the first words that popped into my head.

“Good. I’ve been good. You?”

“Good. Yeah, me too. All good here.”

Jeez, any moment now we were going to start talking about the weather or economy, or something equally boring and trite. I bounced Evie on my hip and started rocking side to side, to keep her calm and to give myself something to do.

“Leah seems really nice.” I don’t know why I said that, why I mentioned the woman. The words just poured out.

“She is.”

Kill me.

I somehow managed to force supportive words out past the bitterness coating my tongue. “Great! That’s great. I’m glad. Things seem really… great between you two.” If I said great one more damn time I was going to kick my own ass.

“Yeah. She’s great. We’re great.”

“Good,” I croaked. “That’s really good.”

Well, at least I didn’t say great again.

He didn’t respond, and I started to fidget under the intensity of his stare. Once again, my mouth opened and words fell out of their own volition.

“This is weird. God, why is this so weird? I hate how weird this is. Does it feel weird for you too?” For God’s sake, Fiona, stop saying the word weird! Squeezing my eyes closed, I gave my head a vicious shake. “Sorry, sorry. Shit. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I just….”

“Just what?”

My eyes shot open and I gave a small, startled jump at the close proximity of his voice.

He was so close that I could see the flecks of gold in his brown eyes, so close that I couldn’t form a single thought. “Sorry?”

“Finish what you were saying, Fee. Just what?”

The golf ball–sized knot in my throat made it almost impossible to speak, but somehow I managed. “I just miss you,” I stated on a hushed whisper. “I miss you, Deacon. You were the most important person in my life and I lost you… twice. I hate that. I hate how things are between us. And I know it’s all my fault. I know I screwed up, Deacon—” He opened his mouth to cut me off, but I held up a hand to stop him and kept going, knowing I wouldn’t have the nerve again to say what I’d been needing to say for over a year now.

“I want you to be happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, and if Leah makes you happy and treats you how you deserve to be treated, then I’m thrilled for you. I lost my chance with you. That’s on me, a hundred percent. I’ll accept that and move on because I know, deep down in my gut, I know that you deserve the absolute best, Deacon. But I miss hanging out and having fun with you. I’d do anything to get that back. I know I don’t have the right to ask, but if you could find it in you to one day forgive me, I’d be over the moon. Because not having you in my life at all is worse than any pain I’ve ever experienced.”

By the time I finished my speech, tears burned the backs of my eyes. Thankfully I managed to blink them away. My throat was ravaged with emotion, but I’d finally garnered the courage to say what needed to be said.

Deacon’s chest rose and fell with quick, heavy breaths. His eyes flashed and glinted with something I couldn’t quite put my finger on, but whatever it was, my gut told me that it was important.

His hand came up. I thought he was reaching for the baby again, but his fingers landed on my cheek, tracing gently to my temple where he tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear. “There’s nothing to forgive,” he said in a soft yet gruff voice. “And I’ve missed you too.”

The relief was overwhelming. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to laugh or cry. Either way, I felt like a year’s worth of weight had been lifted off my chest. My lips parted to speak when another voice pierced through our moment, shattering the familiar connection I felt forming between the two of us.

“Deacon?”

Damn. Damn, damn, damn, son of a bitch in heat.

Deacon cleared his throat and turned to his girlfriend. “Leah.”

Leah’s face was marred by a severe frown as she looked back and forth between the two of us. Her words were clipped as she asked, “Am I interrupting something?”

I could only imagine what it looked like: Deacon standing close, his fingers at my jaw as we stared into each other’s eyes. We probably looked like something out of a chick flick. The relief I’d experienced just moments before was quickly replaced with a gnawing guilt. I’d already caused Deacon more grief than he deserved, the last thing I wanted was to create a rift between him and his girlfriend—whether I liked her or not. He cared about her and was happy. I couldn’t ruin that.

“No,” I answered quickly, taking two large steps back. “Evie tangled her fist up in my hair. Deac was just helping me before I was left with a massive bald spot.” The smile I gave her felt forced and brittle.

Her eyes shone with suspicion and antipathy before she disregarded me completely and looked back to Deacon. “Baby, I’m starting to get a headache.”

Fifty bucks said her head was perfectly fine.

“All right. Let’s get you home.”

My chest grew tighter and tighter with every step he took away from me, but I made sure the plastic smile stayed in place. The second Deacon made it to her, Leah threw an arm around his waist and cuddled into his side like she could no longer walk without his assistance.

She gazed up at him adoringly. “Thank you, honey. You always take such good care of me.”

Gag.

I managed to hold back the puke and offered politely, “Oh no. I hope you feel better, Leah.”

“Thanks,” she replied in a saccharin-sweet tone that was as real as her tan. It was winter in Seattle, for god’s sake. No one who lived here was that tan. Not naturally, anyway. “Have a good night.”

Deacon looked at me over his shoulder and smiled as Leah started guiding him from the room. “See you soon, Fee.”

“Yeah, Deac,” I muttered at his back as he disappeared from my sight. Evie cooed, drawing my attention to her. “Well, at least that’s something, right?”

“Boo. Gah!” A string of drool dribbled down her chin.

I decided to take that as her agreement.

“I’ll eventually get used to seeing him with someone else, right?”

“Bah! Bah!”

I cuddled her against my chest and began swaying side to side. “Learn from Aunt Fee, baby girl. When you meet the man of your dreams, hold tight and never let go. Ever.”

In response, Evie reached up and gripped my hair tightly.

I grinned down at her cute face. “That’s right, angel. Just like that.”