Coder wakes me before the sun the next morning. I’m surprised to find him dressed already, chewing on a bagel filled with cream cheese. He points to a small plate sitting on my nightstand beside my new picture frame, and I find my breakfast is waiting for me.
“Want to be on the road in twenty. Think you can manage that?”
I offer him a sleepy nod as I sit up and throw my legs over the side of the bed. My eyes burn and I feel wrung out, but I intend to rally.
“Hey,” Coder grunts, earning my attention.
As soon as I tilt my head back, I’m greeted with a kiss. It’s a nice, warm, wet kiss that tastes like strawberry cream cheese, and I lean into it. When Coder pulls away from me, I feel a little more rejuvenated and awake; and as I think about the day ahead of us, I can’t help but smile.
“Morning.”
“Morning, honey.”
“Move your ass, Mack,” he insists with a smirk and a wink.
“’Kay.”
I grab a bite of bagel and then get out of bed, hurrying through an abbreviated morning routine. I wash my face and then make quick work of my make-up before I pull my hair back into a long braid that I twist around itself at the base of my neck. I know the ride ahead of us will be a long one, and I think it best to keep my thick, curly locks contained.
After Coder left late yesterday afternoon, I did as he instructed, packing a bag with enough necessities to last me a few days. It felt strange, picking out clothes to wear to an unknown destination, but it was also kind of fun. Coder’s spontaneity is just one of many things that I love about him, and it felt good to imagine what adventure might lay ahead of me. When he returned a couple of hours later, with pizza and beer, I was beside myself when he told me where we’d be going.
Over the next two days, we’ll be riding to Avila Beach, California. He said that he had asked Harvey—a California native—a good place for us to go this time of year. Avila Beach was his suggestion. When I told Coder that this trip felt a bit extravagant on such short notice, his only reply was—My girl wants to go for a ride, I’m gonna take her on a fucking ride.
I didn’t have it in me to argue.
Truth be told, I love the idea of getting away with just the two of us, his bike, and a long stretch of road. Now, as I dress for the ride, I can’t wait for us to get going. Coder warned me that even though the weather is nice, I’ll get cold. Keeping that in mind, I wear some jeans and a long-sleeved, thermal t-shirt, shoving my wool socked feet into my black Chucks.
When I’m finished with my bagel, I brush my teeth and take one last look in the mirror. As I stare into my own eyes, I tell myself that this is it—this is my chance to make up my mind. This journey that I’m about to take, it’s the perfect opportunity to search for the answers to all of the questions I’ve been asking myself this semester. When I get back and school starts up again, I have a decision to make—one that could alter my entire life.
I’ve always been the girl with a future plan, and I don’t want that to change now. In this moment, I promise myself that I’ll figure it out. Over the next week, I’ll decide what it is that I really want. As my heart heals, I’ll determine if it can withstand the burden of my dream—or if perhaps I’m hanging onto something that was never actually meant to be.
“Babe?”
I pull in a deep breath, mentally shaking away my thoughts as I look out into the hallway. Coder is as gorgeous as always, dressed in jeans, a plain black t-shirt, his motorcycle boots, and his leather jacket. His thick, dark hair is its usual messy on top, and he’s got the slightest shadow of stubble on his face. Never would I have imagined that a guy like him could ever be mine, or that I’d be that girl, ready and willing to get on the back of his motorcycle to ride over a thousand miles across the country. But I like this version of myself. This is the girl I want to be. Daring, adventurous, and brave—wrapped around the man I love instead of hiding in some corner.
“You ready?”
“Yes. Just need my coat.”
“And this,” he says softly, lifting up his slouchy, gray beanie. “My helmet covers my ears. Thought you’d like to wear it instead.”
A small, sad smile plays at the corners of my mouth as he slides the hat over my hair. Before I can get sucked into my feelings, he winks at me and then jerks his head to the side, signaling that I need to get moving. I don’t hesitate, hurrying to my bed, where my coat and my backpack are waiting for me. Once I’ve donned both, double checking for my phone, I look up and see my man waiting for me at the door—his bag slug over his shoulder, our helmets in each of his hands.
Holding out my helmet for me, he mutters, “Let’s ride, babe.”
We ride until my butt cheeks go numb—and then we ride some more. Coder is relentless, driving for hours without even a thought of slowing down. I thought I knew how much he loved to ride, but that was before he got onto an open road with nothing but miles ahead of us. When we have to stop for gas and food, I can tell that he’s just itching to get back out there; and seeing the light in his eyes when he asks me if I’m ready to get going again, there’s no way that I could ever deny that, so I don’t.
As we ride through Utah, the temperature drops the farther we go, and I tuck myself against him as tight as I possibly can. His body warmth sustains me okay, but my fingers are like icicles, even buried in his pockets. On the plus side, Utah is beautiful. When the sun starts to go down, we ride through a national forest, which is absolutely breathtaking, even with traces of winter still robbing it of color.
Yet, regardless of all the lovely scenery, when night falls, I’m more than ready to tap out. Cedar City is the halfway point where we stop for the night, and I’m so grateful that Coder made some calls and booked us a room while we stopped for lunch earlier in the day. As soon as we’re in the room at our hotel, I shrug off my backpack and toss my helmet aside before I grab Coder and unzip his coat. He gives me a strange look, then his eyes go wide when I shove my hands up his shirt and press my cold fingers against his hot chest.
“Fuck, Mack!”
“I tried to tell you,” I say, crowding him even more. “I’m cold, honey.”
“Shit,” he grunts, wrapping his arms around me. “Now I feel like a dick. We should have stopped when the sun went down.”
“It’s okay,” I insist. “Tomorrow we’re going through Nevada before Cali, right? Then I’ll be complaining of being too hot.”
“Yeah, well, right now I have to get you warm. Take your clothes off, babe,” he tells me, gently pulling my hands from out of his shirt.
“Off?” I ask, shivering at the thought of losing my layers.
“Trust me,”
Groaning softly, I start to do as he says while he heads into the bathroom. When I hear him start the shower, I strip faster, wondering why I hadn’t thought of that. My clothes are in a pile on the floor by the time he comes out. Before he can tell me the water is ready, I’m racing by him, letting my hair down as I go.
My toes tingle as soon as they come in contact with the hot water, but I ignore it, every muscle in my body appreciative of this shower. When I can feel my fingers again, I turn my back and arch my neck, letting the water spray over my hair. It feels amazing, and I close my eyes as I rinse off the grime from our long ride.
I don’t hear Coder return to the bathroom; neither do I hear it as he slips by the shower curtain and into the tub. The second his hands find my waist, I jump with a gasp, my eyes flying open to find him staring down at me. He pulls me against his chest, and, no longer startled, I relax in his hold, my body growing even warmer as I feel all of him pressed against me.
“I’m a junkie out on that road, Mack,” he murmurs, his voice low and husky. “I got excited. We rode too hard too fast. You’re still a newbie. I should have known better.”
“I’m fine, honey,” I assure him, sliding my hands up his chest and around his shoulders. “Just a little cold and sore. The cold part you took care of, and a night of sleep will help with the rest.”
“I say fuck it. If we make it the rest of the way tomorrow, then we’ll be there tomorrow. If you only want to ride for a few hours, we’ll stop wherever you want. The beach will still be there whenever we get there.”
“Coder,” I murmur, circling my arms around his neck as I lift myself up onto my tiptoes. “It wasn’t all bad. It was mostly good, actually.” I rest my cheek against his chest, thinking back on the hours I didn’t think at all, watching as the land on either side of us stood still while we zoomed by. “It was peaceful. It was nice, just riding.”
“Yeah,” he mumbles, pressing his lips into my hair.
“Just—maybe on the way back, we can get me gloves?”
He coughs out a humorless laugh, giving my waist a squeeze as he replies, “Yeah, babe.”
Tilting my head back so that I can see him, I whisper, “I’m okay. Really.”
Silence settles between us as he looks down at me. I can’t tell what he’s thinking, and just when I’m about to ask, my stomach growls loudly, making me blush.
A smirk twitches the side of his mouth before he leans down and kisses me. He pulls away too soon and then announces, “I need to feed you.”
“Yes, please. There’s a Mexican restaurant across the street that looked good.”
“We’ll go there.”
“Do you think we could…walk?”
He laughs, holding me even closer as he dips his head once more. “I love you,” he breathes against my lips. I open my mouth to respond, but I don’t get the chance as his tongue delves inside of me. I moan because I don’t mind. I don’t mind at all.
It’s late when we arrive in Avila Beach. We ride the last nine hours all in one day, but Coder takes it easier, stopping more often to check on me. It’s sweet, and certainly allows me to enjoy the ride even more than I did the day before. The weather is gorgeous. After a cold morning, I’m quite comfortable for the rest of the day.
By the time we get to our hotel, all I want to do was shower and sleep—so that’s exactly what we do. I sleep deeper than I’ve ever slept, the emotional and physical exhaustion from the last couple of days really hitting me hard. In the morning, Coder wakes before I do, but he doesn’t get up, meaning I wake in our favorite position—me totally draped all over him. After a few sweet, languorous morning kisses, we get up and get dressed before we start hunting for breakfast.
Once we’ve been fed, we spend the rest of the day exploring. We start out on the bike, just riding around aimlessly, taking in the view and enjoying the nice, warm weather. When we start to get hungry, we head toward the shore to see what we can find. There’s a restaurant right off of the beach that looks pretty popular, so we decide to give it a try. The food is good, but it’s the atmosphere that I love, and the energy of so much life around us.
Coder suggests we check out the shops next, and we walk hand in hand, wandering in and out of gift shops and specialty stores. He buys me fudge, which is delicious, and then we head to the beach so that I can feel the sand between my toes. It’s crowded, as anyone would expect around this time of year, but we find a spot to settle, sitting side by side as we gaze out at the ocean. I rest my head on Coder’s shoulder, and we enjoy each other’s silence for a long while.
“Babe?” Coder speaks, pulling me from my thoughts.
“Hmm?”
“You good?”
I sigh, taking stock of my emotions. It’s been a really great day so far, but I can’t deny that I’m still struggling in my heart and in my mind. Finally, I simply answer, “I’m sad.”
He doesn’t speak right away, but instead lifts his arm, causing me to raise my head as he drapes it around my shoulders and hugs me to his side. I lean into him, and he presses a kiss against my forehead, reminding me that I’m not alone. “I’m listening if you feel like talking,” he tells me.
It takes me a moment to gather my thoughts, but when I have, I dump them out, wanting to let him in.
“It’s times like these that I wonder if I’m too weak to be a doctor. Good bedside manner is one thing. Every doctor who has a passion for helping people, it’s impossible for them to be indifferent—but this isn’t just compassion. This pain I feel, the pain I always feel when one of the kids dies, it’s different. It’s deeper.
“Maybe it’s something doctors learn in time, or maybe it’s just something that happens when they experience just enough loss—they get some sort of professional handle over their emotions, enabling them to mourn silently but continue on with their job. I mean, they’ve got to. There are always more patients. And I don’t mean to say that they don’t care, it’s just that they are better at keeping it together; they’re better at creating boundaries between who they are and who their patient is to them. But I don’t know that I have it in me to do that.”
I pause for a moment, thinking about the relationships I’ve had over the years with the kids I’ve read to. Sometimes, they’re so young, just the sound of my voice and my presence at their bedside causes us both to form an attachment. With some of the older kids, their ability to communicate more inevitably makes us closer. I learn their favorite things, and I bring them gifts because I can’t help myself. I’m beginning to understand that all of that makes it so much harder.
“I have no boundaries when it comes to my relationships with the kids. I never have. And if I were to be their doctor, if I had to watch a child lose his or her life and then stifle that grief so that I could go about the rest of my day? I just…I’d be a horrible doctor, Coder.” I turn in his hold, wrapping my arms around his waist as my eyes fill with tears, my hopelessness suddenly overwhelming me. “The kind of doctor I wanted to be—I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to be in hospitals, not a general practitioner’s office. I thought I had it in me to take on the impossible, but I don’t know anymore. It hurts so much. Sheamus wasn’t even my patient—but if he was, I would have failed him, and that—that…”
My voice catches as I try and stifle my cry. I then bury my face in Coder’s neck in an attempt to shield myself from view. Concentrating on taking deep breaths, I hope I don’t have a total meltdown right here at the beach. Coder reaches up and runs his hand over my hair before holding me where I am, his hand secured around the back of my neck. He doesn’t say anything, but waits for me to gather myself.
“Hey,” he grunts once my tears have begun to slow. He gives me a squeeze as he insists, “Eyes up, Mack.” When I do as he says, he grazes his knuckles along my cheeks, ridding my face of my sorrow, his dark, soulful eyes contemplative as they stare into mine. “You still want to walk the pier?”
I knit my eyebrows together, caught off guard by his question. We rode by a long pier earlier today, and I told him I wanted to go, though I’m not sure why he’s chosen now to bring it up.
“Come on,” he says, standing to his feet before I get a chance to answer him. “We need a change of view.”
I don’t argue, but instead take his hand as he helps me up. We walk in bare feet until we reach the sidewalk and then put our shoes on before heading for the bike. When we reach the pier, I’m no less confused than I was a few minutes ago, but I follow his lead, lacing my fingers with his after he grabs my hand and begins walking the length of the pier. We’re right in the middle when he stops. Taking hold of my hips, he positions me in front of the railing before caging me in from behind, his front pressed against my back.
“It’s beautiful,” I tell him, looking out at the water that goes far beyond what the eye can see.
“It’s endless. It’s bottomless.” My skin breaks out in goose pimples when I feel his lips just above my ear as he whispers, “Can I tell you something?” I nod, leaning back against him. “The first time I went with you to visit the kids at the hospital, the first time I saw you interact with them, I couldn’t imagine you as their doctor.” I twist my neck to look up at him, but before I can question what he’s saying, he goes on to explain, “I’ve seen some doctors in my time, Mack. None as nice as you. Watching you with those kids, I couldn’t help thinking that you being their doctor kind of felt like a waste.
“Don’t get me wrong. There are some great doctors out there. And you’re smart, babe—you can be whatever the hell you want to be. But one thing doctors don’t have, no matter how hard they try, is time. You take your time with those kids. Lance said it all. You were Sheamus’s friend. He wasn’t a sick kid to you. He wasn’t a puzzle you were trying to solve, and you’re like that with all of them.
“I hear you, babe. I hear you saying what I’ve been thinking for weeks. I’m not going to stand here and tell you not to be a doctor. It’s not my place. But I will tell you that you don’t have to be a doctor to make your living in a hospital. Look,” he tells me, tipping his chin out at the sea. I turn my head, looking over the horizon as he continues. “Stop looking at your future as if there’s only one option to do what you love. Be smarter than that. The possibilities are endless.”
This time, as my eyes begin to well up, it’s not hopelessness I feel. Rather, I’m overwhelmed with a new sense of relief that goes beyond my understanding. It’s like God Himself has whispered in my ear, telling me that I’m not weak, that I’ve been made with a tender heart that has a purpose. I grab hold of Coder’s wrists, pulling his arms around me, wishing to feel his embrace as I embrace the peace I feel in this moment—my eyes open, my mind at ease, knowing that what he said is right. I just never thought to step out of the box I put myself in.
I think about my dad, about my brother, about what amazing men they are and what great doctors they are or will be. They’ve always supported my choice to chase after this dream, never questioning me and never doubting me. I wonder what they will say when I tell them that I was aiming for the wrong goal, and that I’m not so much like them after all. I’m more like mom. I believe that comfort is its own form of medicine, and I want to be able to do both—I want to help heal the body as well as soothe the hurt that can’t be touched with prescription drugs. And I want to do it my way. No boundaries. Just love—regardless of the pain that might follow.
My spine goes rigid as a new idea occurs to me. “I can do both. I can work with medicine but still be me. Coder—I could be a nurse,” I whisper, thinking of Pamela and Stacey and all it is that they do. I don’t know why I never thought of it before. It seems so obvious now, like it’s been staring me in the face. They’re not doctors, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t just as much a part of the fight against sickness and disease. It just looks different than the fight I had always imagined. Different and yet somehow more bearable.
“You’d be a kickass nurse, babe.” Coder squeezes me tighter and then dips his head until his lips are pressed against the side of my neck. “You’d be a sexy as fuck nurse, too.”
I giggle as he kisses me, tickling my neck. Then I turn in his arms, wishing for the real thing. He lifts his head and smiles down at me, making my insides go squishy, and I thank God for him. Over and over, he’s proved to me that we were made to love one another. I’m sure of it.
“Honey?”
“What is it, babe?”
Pressing up on my tiptoes, I demand, “Mouth.”
He groans, causing an intense tingling at my core, and I suck harder. I look up at him from where I kneel, in the middle of the bed between his thighs, and he whispers a curse when our eyes lock. He brushes my hair away from my face, bringing it to one shoulder before he leans over me, his hands feeling their way down my back. The warmth of his touch reminds me of the orgasm he gave me just a few minutes ago, and my longing for him feels greater than it did before I came around his tongue. With his dick in my mouth, I feel so far from sated, it’s making me crazy.
“Fuck. Up, baby—need to be inside you.”
Offering him one more pull from my mouth, I straighten until I’m kneeling before him, anxious to do whatever he tells me to do next.
“Seven days, yeah?” he mutters, reaching for my waist.
I know exactly what he’s talking about without even having to ask. He wants to know if he can be inside of me without a condom. I started my birth control a week ago, and it’s obvious he’s been keeping track. I offer him a nod in response and he immediately starts to tug me toward him.
“Come ‘ere, baby.”
I crawl forward, following his pull until my knees are straddling his hips. He slides a hand down my side, around my backside, and then finally between my legs. My breath catches when I feel his fingers graze over my entrance, hyperaware of his every touch.
“Shit,” he grunts, tilting his head back to reach my lips.
While he kisses me, I feel it as he grabs his dick, rubbing the head through my wetness. He does it so many times, my legs begin to tremble, and I have to hold onto his shoulders to keep myself lifted on my knees. When he finally stops, positioning himself right at my opening, he grips either side of my hips. His dark eyes, half mast and heavy with desire, stare into mine as he eases me down over him. He slips inside of me with ease, and the low, husky growl that rumbles from his chest as I take him in makes my breasts ache, and my stomach clench, and my skin break out in goose pimples all at the same time.
With one hand reaching down to palm my opposite butt cheek, the other grabbing the back of my neck, he presses his chest against mine and groans, “You’re mine, Mack. No one else is allowed to have you. You’re mine. You got that, baby?”
I whimper, circling my arms around his neck before burying my fingers in his hair. I then jerk my hips forward, desperate for movement, and we both moan at the sensation it causes.
“No one else. Just you. Only you, honey. Always you.”
He smashes his lips against mine, pressing on my backside, encouraging me to thrust my hips forward. I don’t move very much, but the pleasure I feel is breathtaking. I can tell he feels the same as he plunges his tongue inside of my mouth, urging my hips to move again. Soon, I don’t need his guidance anymore, and I take over, chasing after the ecstasy that only Coder has ever given me.
I don’t know how long we stoke the fire that’s lit between us, taking our time as we allow the slow burn to grow hotter and hotter, but time is irrelevant. He feels amazing inside of me—the friction warmer and wetter than it’s ever been. His hands touch me all over, and when he dips his head to take one of my nipples into his mouth, I arch my back, leaning against his hands that hold me as I grind my hips harder.
“Coder,” I mewl when I know I’m right on the edge, ready to topple over. I can barely breathe. I’m so worked up, all I can hear is the thumping of my racing heart and the sound of our panting. All I can feel is him. “Coder!”
“Give me you, baby,” he demands, holding my hips as I rock them with no restraint. “Give me you.”
My jaw falls open and I clasp my hands around the back of his neck, holding on with all of my might just as my orgasm crashes through me. My body locks up as my veins surge with the marvelous sensation of my release, and then Coder takes over, totally rocking my world.
Just when I feel the impact of my climax begin to ebb, I sense it coming on again. He leans back against the pillows, keeping my hips in his grasp as he begins to thrust up, going deep as he pulls me down at the same time. He drives into me fast and hard, and it’s as if he’s jump-started my orgasm, bringing it back to life. I stare into his eyes as my sex tightens around his, my voice lost—gone with my breath. I find the ability to gasp for air just as he starts to grunt through his own release. I feel it as he swells and then jerks inside of me, filling me with his seed.
“Fuck, yes. Ah, fuck—babe,” he mutters as his hips begin to slow. Lazily, he glides in and out of me a few times. Then, hugging me against him, he rolls us over until I’m on my back, all the while never breaking our intimate connection. I don’t even try fighting the smile that tugs at my lips as I look up at him. I’m too happy. Everything that brought us here temporarily forgotten as I lay wrapped in his arms, drenched in the scent of him. My stomach clenches when he smirks, shaking his head at me.
“What?” I murmur, wrapping my legs around his hips.
Leaning down slightly, he traces the tip of his nose along mine and mumbles, “Just you, babe. Only you.” He seals his words with a kiss, making them so much more than simply words. They’re a promise. They’re his promise to me. And I know, with all of my heart, he’ll fight to keep it—my man, my love, always at my back.