Katie
Looking down at my watch, I start to wonder if Collin is going to come home tonight. My laptop rests on my legs as I work, in hopes that I can get a little more done before I call it a night. I’m the new marketing coordinator for Millennium Marketing Firm and I’m still trying to prove myself, and that means bringing work home sometimes. I go above and beyond for all of my clients to show that I can do my job, and I often do my best work from my favorite recliner. I can’t afford much on my salary so when I found this bad boy on sale, I jumped on it and I’m so glad I did. It fits perfectly into my little apartment, and it’s so comfortable.
Distracted by the fact that I haven’t heard from Collin, I save my work and close my laptop, strolling off to my room to change into my pajamas. I’m tired and don’t want to wait anymore. On my way there, my phone rings, but I don’t recognize the number.
“Hello?” I question into the phone.
“Is this Katie?” the woman on the other line asks.
“Yes, who’s this?”
“My name is Skyler. I’m the bartender at Dugan’s. Your boyfriend is here and he’s too drunk to drive. He asked me to contact you to come get him.”
I sigh into the phone. “Yeah, let him know I’ll be right there.” I hang up.
“Damn it, Collin,” I say to no one as I grab my coat and storm out of my apartment.
Pulling up to Dugan’s, I see there aren’t too many cars in the parking lot, which makes sense since it’s Wednesday and most people are at home at this time on a work night. Slamming my car door a bit harder than I mean to, I hurry into the bar in search of my boyfriend. I’m going to chew him out and drag his ass home. In the morning, I’m letting him know that I’m done. I’ve had enough and can’t deal with this anymore. Maybe if I leave him, he’ll straighten his ass out and we can go back to the happy couple we once were.
I walk in scanning the room for my drunk boyfriend, but I don’t see him, so I march right up the bar.
“Excuse me, are you Skyler?”
“Yes, are you Katie?”
“That’s me.”
She turns around and then looks back at me. “He was sitting right here,” she says to me, confused. “Let me have one of the guys check the restroom. Why don’t you have a seat?”
“Fine.” I slip onto a barstool while she’s talking to one of the guys. I watch him walk off and she comes back over to me.
“Can I get you water or something?”
“Water would be great.”
She places the glass on the bar. “Listen, I don’t mean to intrude, but I think Collin needs some help. I’ve been bartending here for a while now, and I watched him go from a once in a while customer to a regular who drinks heavily.”
“I know, and today’s not the first time he’s called me for a ride. I wouldn’t even be surprised if he’s started walking home.”
“I’m sorry,” she says, sounding sympathetic.
“Thanks, but I’m done. He needs to stop drinking if he wants to continue seeing me. I’m trying to build a career. I can’t be out on a work night at midnight picking him up to take him home and put him to bed. It’s exhausting.”
“I’m sure it is.”
I chuckle. “At least he’s a happy drunk.” I smile. “He’s fun and silly and I’ll take that over a mean drunk any day.”
“Yeah, I’ve dealt with some mean drunks in my time. They’re not fun.”
“I know what you mean. My father was a mean drunk. My mother left him and met my stepfather, who I now call Dad.” Someone from the other end of the bar calls her for a drink. She takes off to fill the guy’s beer.
“Sorry about that,” she says.
“I’m the one who should be sorry. I’m sitting here dumping my life on you.” I look down into my cup.
Skyler looks up. I notice someone behind me has caught her attention, so I turn and see the gentleman from earlier shake his head no, which tells me Collin has started to walk home again. She turns back to me. “Looks like he started walking.”
“I guess I’ll finish my water and then go look for him. Maybe the fresh air will help sober him up enough for us to talk.” I sip my water.
“He seems like a great guy. He’s very polite to the bartenders. He just doesn’t seem to know when he’s had enough. Like you said, he’s actually quite funny. He makes us laugh.”
“Thank you. I love him very much, but I need him to stop this. I want my Collin back. The guy you know isn’t my Collin. Don’t get me wrong. He’s fun, outgoing, and he’s always been the clown who makes everyone laugh, but when he lost his mom it was like something in him broke. He changed and started drinking more.” My eyes well up with tears for the man I love. “I’m sorry.” I shake my head, and the next thing I know she’s sitting on the stool beside me.
“Listen, I can’t say that I know what you’re going through because I don’t, but I do know when someone needs a friend and right now it looks like you do. Do you mind if I keep your number so I can check in on you?”
I shake my head. “I’d like that. Only my best friend Miranda knows what’s going on with Collin. My parents know he’s gotten drunk and that he’s having a hard time coping, but they don’t know how bad it is. I don’t know how to tell them.”
“I can understand that.”
“Listen, I’m going to go look for him so I can get him home. Thank you so much for listening. It felt good to talk about it.”
“No problem, I’ll call you tomorrow to see how it went.”
I slip off the stool and grab my purse. That’s when my phone rings again. Collin’s number flashes across my screen. “Collin, where are you?” I say with total frustration.
“Ma’am, do you know Collin Trainor?”
“Yes, he’s my boyfriend. Who’s this and why do you have his phone?”
“Ma’am, this is the police. He has you in his phone for emergencies.”
“Oh my God, what happened?” I ask in pure panic as Skyler leads me back to a chair. My hands are shaking and my eyes are brimming with tears.
“Ma’am, I’m sorry to tell you this, but Collin was involved in an accident.”
“Oh, no! Where is he?”
“I’m sorry, ma’am. He didn’t make it,” he says so softly his words are nearly inaudible.
I sob into the phone. My hand flies to my mouth, and I gasp. “How? Did anyone else get hurt?”
“He wasn’t wearing his seatbelt when he slammed into a pole. It appears he was killed on impact. No one else was injured.”
“No,” I sob. “Why didn’t I go looking for him sooner?”
“Ma’am, are you alone?”
“No, I’m at the bar he just left. I thought he was walking home. I was getting ready to go look for him.”
“Do you need a ride home?” he questions, obviously worried about me.
“No, I’ll be fine, but what will happen to him?”
“The county coroner is pulling up now. They will take him to the morgue and notify his next of kin. They will have to ID his body and then sign for it, so he can be picked by the funeral parlor of their choice.”
“Okay, I’ll let his father know.” I end the call, burying my face in my hands.
“What happened?” Skyler asks as she rubs my back. I look up to see everyone in the bar has stopped what they’re doing.
“He hit a pole. He died on impact,” I say, though my voice is barely a whisper.
“Oh, Katie, I’m so sorry.” She cries with me, holding me. The place is completely quiet as we both cry over the loss of Collin.
I pull away from her hug. “I need to go.” I stand up, drying my eyes.
“You’re not driving like this. I’ll drive you home and have my friend pick me up.”
“You don’t have to do that.” I shake my head show my persistence. “I’ll be fine.”
“Oh, but I do. You’re way too upset and rightfully so, and I won’t let you drive.”
“Go, Sky. I got this,” the other bartender shouts to her.
“Thanks, Meg.” She runs to the other side of the bar to grab her purse and keys. Pulling her phone out, she sends a text. She looks up at me. “What’s your address?”
She types my address into her phone as I give it to her and then tells me she’s all set. Her friend, Sadie, is meeting her at my house to pick her up.
She takes my keys and walks me out to my car. On the way to the house I realize I have to check on his father. “I have to see how Collin’s dad is doing. What if he blames me for not getting him sooner?”
“Katie, he can’t blame you. This isn’t your fault.” I try to take a deep breath but it’s so hard. I feel like I’m suffocating. “Why don’t you call him now? That way I’m here for you if you need me.”
I nod and press his father’s number to call him. “Hello?” he says, groggy.
I begin crying instantly. “Katie?” he asks. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m sorry, Todd, I’m so sorry.” Tears are running down my face.
“Katie, what are you sorry for?”
“The police haven’t called yet?” My voice is shaking.
“Katie, what are you talking about?” He sounds scared.
“He’s gone, Todd. He tried to drive home tonight and crashed.” I’m sniffling as I choke on my words. I’m crying so hard I’m surprised he can understand me.
“No, Katie. What happened?”
“He called me from the bar to pick him up. When I got there, they couldn’t find him. They were searching the bar, but when he wasn’t there we thought he’d started walking, but he got behind the wheel.” His father is now crying on the other end of the line. “He listed me in his phone for an emergency contact, so the police called me. I’m on my way home now. I’m sorry I didn’t get to him in time.”
There is complete silence on the other end of the line. He sniffles and then I hear in barely a whisper, “This is not your fault.” He sniffles again.
“I’m sorry” is all I can say to him. I begin to cry yet again.
“I know. Do you know where he is?” he asks in such a sad tone, it breaks me and more tears stream down my face.
“He is with the county coroner. You have to ID him and then sign for him to be picked up.”
“Okay, I’ll take care of it. Get some rest and I’ll be in touch.” He cuts the call.
I point out my building as Skyler pulls up. She finds a spot right out front, and she walks me to the door. She hugs me while we wait inside for her friend to pull up and says, “I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?” I nod. “You need to stay strong. You can make it through this.”
“Thanks, Skyler.” Her friend pulls up. She hugs me one more time, and walks out the door.
“Sky. My friends, they call me Sky,” she calls over her shoulder.
I manage to give her a small smile. “Thank you, Sky.”
It’s late, and I’m both physically and emotionally drained. I barely manage to change my clothes before plopping myself onto my bed and passing out.
***
I wake the next day with puffy eyes and a splitting headache from crying so much. My bed is empty because my man is gone. I instantly feel guilty for all the horrible things I said last night. I know he was sick, but I’d rather have him here with me sick than not at all. The thought makes me cry again as my phone rings.
“Hello.”
“Katie, what’s wrong?” Miranda asks, panicking.
“He’s gone.” I sob.
“He left you? That ass. What is wrong with that man?”
“He’s dead,” I shout into the phone, cutting off her rant.
She gasps. “Oh my God, how?” I go into the details of what happened last night. The tears start up all over again. She tells me not to worry about work; that she’ll talk to Tanya and take care of my clients while I take my leave. Technically I’m not entitled to it, but I know Tanya well enough to know she won’t give me a hard time. She knows that I’ve been seeing Collin for a long time now, and that we were living together.
“Why don’t I come over later? We can order some dinner and hang out.”
“I don’t know. I’m not much for company right now,” I say through my tears. “I’m tired from lack of sleep, I keep playing his crash over and over in my head, and I want to be there for Todd if he needs me. I’m assuming he’ll call me at some point today. We need to start making arrangements.”
“All right, but promise to call me if you need me,” she says, her voice full of concern. I nod as if she can see me. “Katie?”
“I will,” I whisper into the phone before cutting the call and putting my phone back down. My eyes are heavy and I can feel myself drifting off.
“I’m sorry, Katie. I didn’t mean for this to happen,” Collin says as he opens his arms to hug me.
“Why did you have to drive? I was coming to get you.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking.” He begins to cry. “Please fix this, Katie. I want to get better. I want to marry you.”
“I don’t know how to fix this,” I yell at him, tears streaming down my face.
“I love you, Katie. I can get better. I know I can. Please just fix this. Make me better.”
I sit up in bed, shaking off my nightmare, when I notice my phone is ringing on my nightstand. When I don’t answer, it begins ringing again right away. “Hello?”
“Katie, it’s Sky. How are you, honey?” I never thought she’d actually call me. I’m completely shocked. “Katie? Are you there?”
“Yeah, sorry, I was just a bit shocked you called.”
She chuckles into the phone. “I told you I would call.”
“I know. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I thought you were just being nice.”
“Nah, I meant it. I’m really sorry for your loss. Is there anything I can do to help?”
“No, I didn’t sleep too well last night and my friend called me earlier when I didn’t make it into work. I told her what happened. She’s going to fill in for me.”
“That’s good. At least you can take some time to mourn.”
“Yeah. I have to call Todd to see if there’s anything I can do to help with the funeral.”
“All right, well, I’ll let you do that. Keep me posted on the plans.”
“I will. Thanks, Sky.” I cut the call and lie back in my bed. I seriously can’t believe she called to check on me. I’ve seen her in the bar when I’ve gone to pick up Collin, but I really only met her last night. She’s really sweet. At first I had no intention of reaching out to her, but I’ve decided to let her know about the funeral.
My mind wanders as I think about the happier times Collin and I had together. He would take me dancing, or sometimes we’d even just sit and talk about my projects. We’d brainstorm ideas and talk about why they would work or why they wouldn’t. He was so supportive of my career. We made a good team. He was in the finance world so he totally understood my budgets and would help me get the most for my clients’ money.
Why, Collin? Why did you have to leave that bar last night? Another lone tear runs down my face. I wanted to help him get better. I shake my head, wondering what he was thinking. He not only hurt himself, but he could have hurt someone else. Angry at his decision, I climb out of bed and storm into the kitchen for some coffee. I need to calm down before I call Todd to see what I can do to help him.
Unfortunately, my phone rings and it’s him. “Hey Todd, how are you holding up?”
“I’m hanging in. I went and claimed Collin’s body this morning. I signed release papers and I’m meeting with the funeral director later today. They’re planning the wake for Monday and the funeral for Tuesday.”
“What can I do to help?” I ask, my voice monotone.
***
I can’t believe at twenty-three years old I’m burying my boyfriend. The realization hits me while I’m standing above his coffin. It’s closed, with my favorite picture of him neatly placed on top. He was quite a mess from the accident. His father and I decided it was important for his friends and family to remember him for the good guy he was, instead of as the man who died while driving drunk. I glance around the room taking it all in. It’s empty, nothing but rows and rows of chairs that will soon be filled with people who’ll come to say good-bye.
“Katie, it’s time to open the doors. Are you ready?” Todd asks me.
“Yeah, I’m ready.” I take my place next to Todd, as he requested. Collin had no siblings and Todd said he knows Collin loved me dearly, and that I belong at the front of the room with him despite the fact we weren’t even engaged. Sitting in my seat, with my parents sitting off to the side for support, I stare up at the coffin with thoughts and memories of Collin running through my head.
People start flowing into the room, some of whom I know and some I don’t. They all politely say the same thing: “I’m so sorry for your loss.” I nod, shake hands, and politely thank them for coming. Todd takes the time to introduce me to certain people, and with the others we simply continue our routine of thanking them for coming.
Spotting Collin’s friend, Jeff, at the door reminds me of a time we all went to the zoo and ran around like a bunch of big kids. We were checking out every animal, reading their signs, and taking pictures in front of the exhibits. We had a blast. That memory makes me collapse into my chair as a lone tear runs down my cheek. That was before Collin began drinking. He had little time for fun once the drinking took over. “God, why didn’t I see it sooner?” I gasp when I realize I said my thoughts out loud.
“You need to stop, sweetie. You didn’t do this. He did.”
Jeff comes over and kneels in front of me. “Hey.” I look up to see pure hurt in his eyes. “A lot of us should have seen it, and there were many of us who could have done something about it.”
“Why didn’t we?”
“That’s a good question and one I’ve been asking myself since I heard about the accident. When I come up with an answer, I’ll let you know.” He stands to pay his respects to Todd, and takes a seat close by.
My mom is by my side. “Are you okay, sweetie?”
“No, I feel like I screwed up. I should have asked for help but I didn’t, and now he’s gone.”
She hugs me and whispers, “I know you’re not listening to reason, but I’m going to tell you anyway. This is not your fault. We will help you through this, I promise.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
My mom and I break our hug and that’s when I notice, much to my surprise, that the night is going by quickly. We only have about twenty minutes left before we leave, when Skyler and her friend, Meg, from the bar come into the room. Walking straight up to Todd, Sky says, “Hi, I’m Skyler, and this is my friend, Meg. We were friends of your son. I’m very sorry for your loss.”
“Todd, this is the woman who called me to pick Collin up. She tried to help him so he wouldn’t get into the car.”
“Thank you for trying,” Todd says. He seems truly thankful for her attempt.
“I feel like I failed. I should have kept a better eye on him. I never thought he would leave once I had set up the ride for him. I’m so sorry.” Meg rubs Skyler’s back in support, as she’s clearly beating herself up over this.
“Skyler, there are a lot of things we could have done differently. I should have started looking for him the second I knew he’d left. We both assumed he was walking and he needed some fresh air. It was his time. Trust me when I say that I’m not letting go of this any easier than you are, but I have to find a way to get over the loss and the guilt and I’m hoping by holding onto that thought, I’ll be able to.”
She nods and hugs me tight, whispering in my ear, “Promise me we’ll stay friends.”
“We will, and we’ll get through this together.”