Chapter Thirty-Four
“Dad, look!”
At the sound of Connor’s laughter, Jesse set aside the saddle he’d been cleaning and stuck his head out of the tack room. Half Pint, the only pony in his stable, nuzzled Connor’s side, searching the pockets of his lightweight jacket. His son looked absolutely thrilled, like a five-year-old told he was going to Disneyland. “She knows you have a treat for her.”
In the two weeks since their return from Martinique, Connor still grumbled about his chores in the barn, but now he actually came home from school and did them with little other fuss. He’d fallen for the horses—every single one from sweet gelding Almonds, to the temperamental mare Dixie Diva, to quiet Old Lady Ophelia, and even Tasmanian Devil, a.k.a. Tazzy, the occasionally fractious stallion. But Connor had a particular soft spot for Half Pint, the Shetland pony with spiky black hair and a fuzzy, stocky tan body. He’d taken to bringing her a sugar cube every afternoon before he started his chores.
“You want your sugar, huh?” Connor said to the horse.
She nickered and shook her head in an emphatic up-down of agreement. Connor dug the sugar cube out of his pocket, watched her eat it out of his hand, then produced an apple—Jesse was pretty sure it was the one he’d put in Connor’s school backpack yesterday—and also gave that to her.
Amused, but trying not to show it, Jesse shook his head. “You spoil her.”
“Only the best for my girl.” Connor ruffled Half Pint’s spiky mane, the strode over to greet Diva, who pranced back and forth in her stall, throwing her head in exasperation that Half Pint was getting attention and she wasn’t. “Oh, and Dad? Someone’s here for you,” he added a little too casually. “Out front.”
Jesse’s suspicion radar went on red alert. “Who?”
Connor only shrugged and grabbed a bridle before opening Dixie’s stall door. He was good with the horses. A natural. But that wasn’t a surprise. He may not have been raised around them, but he had Warrick blood in his veins and Warricks always were and always had been horse people.
Which made Jesse wondered about the decisions he’d recently come to. With ranch life so thick in his blood, was it wrong to want more for himself and his son? He didn’t know. But something had to change.
He considered ignoring his visitor. He had a pretty good feeling he knew who it’d be, and he knew his asked for time was up. But in the end, he walked out of the barn and finally faced the woman he loved.
Lanie leaned against the hood of her car, long legs crossed at the ankle. When she spotted him, she straightened and gave a tentative smile. Which just wasn’t right. Lanie wasn’t a tentative woman.
“Hey,” she said softly. “Haven’t seen you around.”
He stopped a few feet from her. “I told you I needed some time.”
“I get that. What happened to Danny…” She trailed off. Drew a breath that moved her shoulders. “Well. It shook us all.”
“Yeah.”
Silence stretched between them, so long it became awkward.
Lanie shoved her hands in the back pockets of her jean shorts and rocked on her feet. “You, uh, know it wasn’t your fault, right? The autopsy showed he could’ve been shot in a hospital surgical suite with a full trauma staff on stand-by and he still would’ve died.”
“I know.” It had taken many sleepless nights replaying the scenes over and over in his head, analyzing and reanalyzing his every move, before he’d finally accepted that there had been no other possible outcome.
But he still couldn’t shake the thought that if he’d had more knowledge, maybe Danny would have survived. He wanted to learn more. He wanted to be better prepared. He wanted the MD after his name.
Lanie didn’t look convinced, but he wasn’t yet ready to talk about the decision he’d made regarding his future with HORNET. Not when he still wasn’t sure what their future held. Or even if they had one together. He certainly wanted one. He could admit that now. He’d only sworn off women in the first place because of her. He’d convinced himself that if he led a monk’s life, his feelings for her would disappear.
Yeah. He was an idiot.
“How’s Marcus?” he asked, because it seemed safer than anything else he could’ve said.
She lifted a shoulder. “He hasn’t been around. He went back to California to be there for Danny’s wife through the funeral and he hasn’t come back yet. Gabe told him to take as much time as he needs.”
“And Jean-Luc?”
She winced.
“What’s wrong with Jean-Luc?” The Cajun had needed a transfusion and some stitches, but his prognosis had been good. Jesse couldn’t imagine what had possibly happened to change that in the past weeks.
“He’s gone rogue.”
“Oh shit.”
“Uh-huh. He wanted to find Claire Oliver. Gabe and Quinn told him we didn’t have enough intel to go on and he shouldn’t be in the field until he was medically cleared, so he told them to do something anatomically impossible and took off. Nobody’s seen or heard from him since.”
“Jesus. That reckless bastard is goin’ to get himself killed.”
“That’s the general consensus, yes.”
More silence. They’d run out of the safe small talk.
Lanie took her hands out of her pockets, but then seemed to not know what to do with them and shoved them back in. “So,” she said after another beat. “I just left an interesting meeting with Tucker, Gabe, and Quinn. They said you suggested me for field commander. They offered me the job.”
His mouth twitched with a smile. “Did you accept?”
“I haven’t given them an answer yet. I…” She hesitated. “I need to ask you something first. Why did you suggest me?”
He finally closed the distance between them, catching her face in his palms before she could turn away. “I told them to consider you because I believe with all my heart you’re the best person for the job. And they must agree with me or else they wouldn’t have extended an offer.”
Her gaze dropped to his lips, then shied away. “I don’t want to be accused of sleeping my way into the position.”
Yeah, he figured. She was so sensitive to others’ perception of her. “I may have a bit of pull with Gabe and Quinn, but not with Tucker Quentin. The only person who influences Quentin is Quentin himself. So did you sleep with him?”
She reared back in shock. “What? No! Of course not. He’s not my type.”
“Then I don’t see how anyone could accuse you of sleepin’ your way to the top.” He traced a finger along the sharp line of her jaw. “They made the offer because you’re good at what you do. You’re a natural-born leader. You deserve this.”
Her hand came up and loosely circled his wrist. “What about you? They offered it to you first. Don’t you want it?”
“No.”
“You’re not just saying that because—”
He kissed her to both stop whatever question she’d been about to ask and because he just plain wanted to. It had been too long since he’d felt his lips against hers and he missed it. He missed her. “I’ve done a lot of thinkin’ these past weeks and I realized somethin’. I’m not cut out for this life. I’m not sure I ever was, and it’s been slowly eatin’ away at me. I live every day in fear of goin’ back to the darkest days of my life, and yet every op, I put myself in the same conditions that led to them the first time around. I can’t relive them. I won’t survive it a second time. I need to think about Connor.”
She drew back enough to gaze into his eyes. “What are you saying? You’re quitting?”
“Not yet. I won’t leave the guys without medical care. God knows this group needs me. I’ll go on ops when I’m needed, but I’ll start trainin’ a new medic. Jeremiah Wolfe has shown promise. Soon, though, I want to leave HORNET and go to medical school.”
He wasn’t sure what kind of reaction he’d expected from her, but her complete non-reaction wasn’t it. She withdrew from his embrace and crossed her arms in front of her. “So you’re quitting. Where does that leave us?”
He dropped his arms to his sides. “I hope in a better place than we were a few minutes ago. If I stay, you’d be my commander, and I wouldn’t be able take you to bed and do the kinds of things I want to do to you.”
She released a shaky breath and all the steel went out of her spine. “You still want me?”
“Oh, Lanie.” He again gathered her close and held her against his chest. She didn’t resist. Her arms wound around his waist and held on while he breathed in the scent of her shampoo. “Of course I do. I’ve spent a good chunk of my life wantin’ you. I’m sorry I kept you at arm’s length these last few weeks. Danny’s death…it woke me up. I needed to figure everything out before I brought you into my life. But I do want you in my life. I love you.”
She swallowed hard. “I won’t hurt you. I support whatever decision you make. If going to med school is what will make you happy, we’ll make it work. Whatever happens from here on out, I’m here for you. I stick.”
“I know.” He grinned. “Like a burr.”
“Hey!” She playfully smacked his chest, then fisted her hands in the front of his sweaty shirt. “I love you, cowboy.”
And she dragged him in for a kiss that knocked his Stetson off his head.