Jared
Crisp, cool air floated on the light fall breeze. Across the desert sky, the ice blue canopy seemed to go on forever, the sun casting rays of warmth across the heavens.
Aly ambled ahead of me, balancing in these cute little chunky boots she wore with that dress. The slight lilt of her hips struck up a cadence with the rest of her body. It left me all itchy and anxious. My fingers twitched as I followed her across the parking lot. Wayward pieces of dark hair spilled down from the mass of locks twisted on the top of her head, dripping down to kiss the back of her luscious neck, which I was pretty damned sure she’d done with the sole purpose of driving me out of my mind.
Aly tossed a glance over her shoulder. Something like welcome and peace flashed in her eyes when they washed over me.
I roughed my palm over the top of my head and ran it down to grip at the tense muscles in my neck, doing my best to shove down the nerves that spiked inside of me.
This girl. I swear to God, she was something else. So fucking sexy and unbearably sweet.
I’d be damned if I didn’t do this for her. For once in my miserable life, I needed to stand up for something that was right.
I mean, shit, I didn’t just need to. I wanted to. I wanted to be the man who stood at her side, to declare this beauty that had been bred because it was bred of her.
Still, a slow dread simmered under it all, marching like an army of ants beneath my skin, burning a fiery path as they worked their way out.
Never had I stepped back into the old neighborhood. Drawn, I’d gone what seemed too many times, sitting across the road while those simple houses seemed to taunt me from afar, a picture of the life I’d been erased from because I’d been the one who destroyed it.
But that empty field… it’d called to me, the place that echoed the memories that both comforted and crushed, begged me closer the night when the memories trapped in the deepest recesses of my mind had finally been cut free. Where they had run rampant, challenging, changing everything I’d ever believed.
I climbed into the front passenger seat of Aly’s little car, and Christopher slid into the backseat behind me.
I watched Aly slip behind the steering wheel. She turned over the ignition, put the car in reverse, and carefully backed out, craning her head around to make sure all was clear.
I swallowed down the terror that was building steadily, born somewhere in the darkness places of my spirit.
It had always been her.
Now I’d do this for her.
No turning back now.
The old neighborhood was only about fifteen minutes away. Buildings and stores and houses whizzed by in a distorted haze, grayed-out flashes of nothing as we flew past. No words were said. Instead we just let the tension steadily build in the confines of the car.
It was like Aly and Christopher knew how difficult going back to the place where we all grew up together would be for me, and the short trip was given as a moment of silence.
She turned right onto the wide, three-lane road that carved through the center of the city.
I sucked in a ragged breath.
Aly reached for my shaking hand over the console, weaving her fingers through mine. Uncontrollably, my knee bounced. With every second that passed, anxiety ratcheted me one degree higher.
As a kid, I’d been down this road what seemed a million times. Just a stretch of common, innocuous pavement. Until it became the place that meant the most, where stupidity and selfishness had reigned. God, I’d felt so powerful when I traveled the short expanse of road for the first time, thinking myself such a man. In turn, I’d learned I was just a foolish little boy.
That hollow place inside me throbbed and tremors crawled in a creeping wave through my body, like they slithered out from the darkest places in my spirit.
God, I didn’t know if I could do this.
I felt the power of Aly peering at me, searching me through her worry. In the same moment, she was comforting me with the promise of what I never thought I’d have.
She turned her attention back to the road, flicked on her blinker, and eased into the left-turn lane.
Fear tightened my throat, cinching off the air that fed my lungs.
Aly squeezed my hand.
And she knew.
God, she knew.
She knotted her fingers with mine, then she turned left and cut over the spot where I had ruined the good, where I had permanently snuffed out the life and light.
I choked over the ball of unspent emotion.
Two nights ago, I’d crossed the same spot on my own.
Now I was crossing it with her.
To the left, the old neighborhood rose like a smoke signal sent to warn me away.
Still, she clung to my hand, reinforcing the lifeline that somehow tied me to this place.
Even though its height was inoffensive, in the shimmering daylight, the chain link fence that blocked off the empty field where we had spent so many of our days playing now seemed so out of place. Wrong. It gave way to the wooden fences that harbored the homes in safety.
Aly again flipped on her left-turn signal. I couldn’t stop shaking, couldn’t relax, couldn’t come up for a breath as she slowly eased onto the street where we’d all grown up together.
Flashes of light overwhelmed my senses, pictures of moments lost to time. A torrent of memories pummeled through my brain, beat and crashed and consoled.
Because so many of them were good.
Aly as a child, black hair flying, that little girl who had always held me in the palm of her hand. Christopher and I laughing too loud, fighting like brothers, living too free.
My father.
My sister.
My mother.
Pressure squeezed my chest, almost as tightly as Aly clung to my hand.
She inched up the road. On the left, her parents’ house came into view.
But that was not what held my attention. It was fixed across the street and one house down.
I exhaled a pained breath from my lungs.
The little tan house seemed so much the same, though somehow entirely unfamiliar. The blue trim was now brown, muting out the face of the home. What had once been a staggered trail of flagstone had been completely reworked with a sidewalk and widened driveway.
I swallowed down the lump that formed in my throat.
Her flowers… they were gone. The colorful beds that had always grown so tall, so proud, what she’d tended and nurtured and loved beneath the windows of that little house were now a wasted desert of rocks and dirt.
I squeezed my eyes closed because I didn’t want to see.
“Fuck,” fell as a muffled breath from my mouth, and it took about all I had not to jump from the car.
What the hell was I doing here? Showing my face around here when it should have been wiped clean from this place. Just like hers.
But Aly was holding on to me. Even though she said nothing, I could still hear her whispering, Stay.
Carefully, Aly pulled up beside a small red truck parked in her parents’ driveway. She killed the engine. All three of us just sat there. None of us knew how to move on from here because I think we all knew I didn’t belong here.
Christopher set his hand on my shoulder and squeezed it. His voice was low and rough, muttering words that were the opposite of what I felt. “Welcome back, man. This place was never the same without you.”
“Thanks,” I forced out as I stared ahead, unable to look at the face of my friend who occupied so many of the memories battering me now.
Wrenching the back door open, Christopher climbed out. He left Aly and me to drown in the murky waters holding me under. Maybe I was just a fool, because I’d always been a prisoner to them. I had always been facedown, head under, just on the cusp of death. The feeling that I was suffocating had become a mainstay in my life.
Was I just pretending now? Pretending I could come up from it? Survive?
My chest heaved, and I struggled to take in a cleansing breath, trying to rid my head of all the bullshit ravaging my brain.
God, I was sick of it.
Aly’s voice was strained as it broke through the flood. “Are you okay?”
I shook my head and stared down at where she had her hand clenched in mine. Together our skin bore such a striking contrast, the smooth, flawless flesh that spoke of her innocence wrapped up in the horror marking mine.
I chanced looking up at her. Sympathy dimmed the vibrant green of her eyes and darkened them with concern. But they were free of all the bullshit pity I’d come to expect from those who feigned knowing me, like they could really understand what it was I was feeling. In them was just this unending outpouring of love and awareness.
“Fuck, Aly… I don’t know what I am.” Blankly, I stared out the windshield. “I knew it’d be hard coming back here…” Pain twisted up my face as I experienced it all, this overwhelming sense of what I had lost and the fear of what I had gained.
What I’d gained in this girl who sat there listening with that pure heart.
“But I had no idea it would feel like this. And I just keep thinking I shouldn’t be here. I fucked it up, Aly, I ruined this place, and here I am, coming back. It feels like I’m disrespecting her memory showing up here.”
Aly leaned across the console. “Look at me,” she demanded.
I turned toward her and she pressed her forehead to mine. She reached up and held one side of my face, her tender fingertips brushing against the faint scruff that roughened my jaw.
“You can do this, Jared… you belong here… just as much as I do. This street is a part of your life. Our lives.” As she stressed it, she increased her hold, as if she could breathe those words into me and make me believe them.
And I wanted to.
I wanted to trust in that belief as much as she believed in me.
I inhaled the satiny skin of her neck, let this girl saturate my senses as I forged on, opened myself up to answer her honestly. “I came back here that first night when I found out about the baby… to the empty field,” I clarified, the words scratching up my throat. “It felt different that night, like I could feel you everywhere, like I was supposed to be there. Maybe it was because the field was where we spent so much time, but being here, in broad daylight… I feel like I’m trespassing. Invading something that’s sacred. Crossing some line into a place where I shouldn’t be.”
“Anywhere I am, that’s where you’re supposed to be,” she said, resolute and without question, like it was the only thing that mattered. Gentle fingernails scratched down my cheek like she was somehow fastening herself to me, her mouth so close to mine. “I need you here, Jared… with me.”
On a heavy breath, I tipped my head and kissed her, my mouth firm as it sought out hers. I reveled in the feel of that sweet face resting between my hands. I pulled back and searched for understanding. “You’re the only reason I’m here, Aly.”
Aly leaned back. Her green eyes shined with all I’d run from for so long. “Maybe that’s the only reason you need.”
Then one side of her mouth quirked up, all soft and playful, like she was tossing all the heaviness aside. Because my girl was just cool like that, like she knew exactly what I needed and when I needed it. She grinned. “Besides, we get to have Thanksgiving dinner together. Can it really be all that bad?”
I laughed a little and dragged my fingers through my hair. “Um, yeah, Aly, it might just be that bad. You do remember what we have to tell your parents today, don’t you? Pretty sure your dad isn’t going to welcome me back with open arms after we deliver our little piece of news.”
“I do remember. And I also remember I’m not twelve anymore,” she countered. Her eyebrows disappeared into her bangs, her eyes widening as if she was trying to tell me just how ridiculous she thought I was being, worrying about her parents’ judgment, when really, this was just about us.
But she had to know better than that.
I’d done some foolish shit in my life, but I was no fool, and Aly was just acting naïve. I hadn’t seen her dad, Dave, in years, not since he caught me sneaking out my father’s door in the middle of the night. I’d been off to find my next fix, just a couple of days before it’d all completely gone to hell and I’d been sent away. He made it clear then I’d never be welcome in their house again. Hatred had poured from his mouth as disappointment and disdain, giving me a warning to stay away from Christopher… to stay away from the rest of his family. He almost spat when he told me I was no longer considered a part of it.
That was almost seven years ago.
How much had changed since then?
Subtly I shook my head and unbuckled my seat belt. I seriously doubted his perception of me had changed all that much – that was for sure.
“Come on,” Aly encouraged, cracking open her door. “Let’s go hang out with my family. I think you might have forgotten how great they really are.”
I opened my door and began to climb out. “I haven’t forgotten, Aly.” Ducking down, I captured her gaze, looking at her seriously, hoping she would see she was taking this a whole lot more lightly than was wise. “But you can bet they haven’t forgotten about me, either.”
I followed Aly up the sidewalk. Christopher was waiting for us at the door. He cocked a single brow at me, like he was asking me if I was ready for what was about to happen.
I shrugged, because I was about as ready as I’d ever be.
He rapped once at the wood and opened the door. “Happy Thanksgiving!” he sang all off key and obnoxious as he swung the door open wide.
Aly glanced over her shoulder at me. Joy sat prominent on her features, softened her eyes, and parted her lips, and a tiny giggle seeped from her mouth, like maybe she appreciated her crazy brother just as much as I did for breaking up the tension, for trumpeting our arrival like we were ushering in a celebration rather than stepping into a field of land mines like I was pretty sure we were.
From somewhere inside the house, Aly’s mother, Karen, squealed. Five seconds later, she came barreling around the corner. She yanked Christopher into her arms, squeezing him and rocking him almost violently side to side. “There you are!” She pulled back, all this mischief running through the brown of her warm eyes. She fanned herself. “I’ve been slaving away in the kitchen all day. It’s about time you all showed up to give me some help.”
I stifled a chuckle.
Maybe I really had forgotten she was that way. Funny. Casual. Kind like her daughter and roguish like her son. Laughter from years ago rang in my ears, the way she and my mother would sit for hours and just laugh and talk about what seemed like nothing at all while we played away our days.
Something strong pushed out from the inside, and my heart beat a little too hard. I stepped away, awkwardly hanging back at the door as she playfully swatted Christopher’s chest and turned to drag Aly into her arms. This hug was both tighter and softer than the one she gave Christopher. Something serious passed between the two of them while Karen Moore held her daughter in her arms.
I shifted on my feet, doing my best not to lose my shit as I watched the tender affection transpiring in front of me.
The last time I had seen her, Karen Moore had sent me over the edge. All the forgiveness and love and relief she’d poured out over me had been far too much when it’d been the last thing I wanted.
Now I stood on her threshold, treading dangerous ground as I walked headlong through her front door.
What the fuck was I thinking? Coming here?
That was the problem, though. I no longer knew what was right, my fate, where I was supposed to end up – because somehow I’d received a pardon from my penance and I still didn’t know what the hell to do with it. Was it right I was accepting all this goodness or was I just adding another check mark to my sins?
But how could Aly be that? How could she be wrong? All I could see when I looked at her was a gift.
Karen ran her hand over the back of Aly’s head and down her back, staring at me over her shoulder when she did. Wide brown eyes spoke to me, glistening with all the same welcome she’d showered me with on the day I’d run.
Or maybe there was even more there, like she saw all the questions running through my mind and she was telling me this was right and this was exactly where I was supposed to be.
Slowly she untangled herself from Aly. She never took her eyes off me as she stepped closer. Her movements were almost tentative, though filled with all this cautious purpose as she edged in my direction.
Then Karen Moore wrapped me in her arms.
With her gentle touch, a blink of agitation lit in my nerves, sparked that shame and remorse always lying in wait. But I held it in and let her hold me.
And shit, maybe it seemed impossible that I could, but somehow I forced myself to return it.
Truth was, I had always cared about her. She’d been like a mother to me, never hesitating to encourage me when I needed it or to set me straight when I was stepping out of line.
Closing my eyes, I just let her rain that old affection on me. With it came a downpouring of all the old memories of her and this house and everything that had taken place behind its walls.
Some of those memories I welcomed. Others I shunned. Because I just wasn’t ready to go there yet.
Didn’t know if I’d ever be.
“Welcome home,” she whispered near my ear, like it was our greatest secret, like maybe she knew if she said it aloud it would cause me more pain than I could handle. “You don’t know how happy I am you’re here… that you came back to her.”
Her words fell on me, causing confusion and comfort, because I was thinking Karen should be mortified I was with her daughter, and she was singing it like praise.
She edged back a fraction and took me by both hands, her grip fierce and her gaze unwavering as her eyes traced my face. I just stood there staring at her. None of this made any sense, Aly’s love for me and this woman who’d been closer than a sister to my mom giving me the same. Had that love always been there? Had I just been blind to it?
Just as she pulled away, Dave and Aly’s little brother, Augustyn, came in from the back of the house.
“Hey guys, Happy Thanksgiving.” Aug was all dimples and smiles when he approached, although he wasn’t so little anymore. Already sixteen, the boy wasn’t as tall as Christopher, but he was pure muscle, bulk and brawn. His appearance was so different from Christopher and Aly, you’d never guess they were siblings. Except for the fact he looked just like his mom, light hair and brown eyes. Christopher and Aly looked a lot like their dad. But Aly? There was something about her and her mom that just fit. They didn’t resemble each other a whole lot, but when they stood side by side, there was no mistaking they were a pair.
Aug and Christopher shook hands, pulling each other in for a swift hug and a short clap on the back. Dave basically took Christopher through the same motions, though I could feel the weight of his eyes on me, even when they seemed to be doing their best at avoiding me.
Aug came toward me, completely casual like he always seemed to be. “Hey, Jared.” He stuck his hand out, and I took it. The hug he gave me was just as short as the one he gave Christopher. “How’s it going, man? It’s so cool you’re here.”
“Yeah, great to be here,” I was quick to agree, although I wasn’t exactly sure I did.
Besides, I felt like I was quickly wearing out my welcome.
Karen looked at her husband, tipping her head in an almost imperceptible nod toward me. No doubt, she’d told him I would be here. And by the way he warily turned his attention to me, I had no doubt she’d given him a warning to behave, same as she’d always done. The man was wrapped around Karen’s finger just as tightly as I was wound around Aly’s.
If I wasn’t watching so closely, I would have missed the subtle search of his eyes, like he wanted nothing more than to inspect me in the same second he could barely look my direction. Ultimately that search landed on the back of my hands where the color bled out from under the cuffs of my shirt. The green of his eyes locked on the numbers stamped across my knuckles. He flinched when he caught onto the meaning, and he turned away just as fast as he’d latched onto the sight.
Reluctantly, he took a step forward and stretched out his arm to offer his hand. “Happy Thanksgiving, Jared. Glad you could join us.”
I accepted it, my hold firm as I shook his hand. “Thank you for having me.”
Why are you here and how long are you staying? All these questions played out on the lines twisting across his face.
It didn’t take long for Dave to get his answer.
From just inside the foyer, Aly paused and looked back on us from where she was embracing her little brother. She stared at me with outright affection. Then she extended her hand, beckoning me to her side.
My eyes shot to Dave. I just couldn’t help it. It was like I had this impulse to see his reaction when he realized why I was really here.
And fuck, did I wish I hadn’t seen.
White blanched his face, before a rush of redness hit his cheeks. The hand that just seconds before had been shaking mine flexed into a fist. There was no question he was about as repulsed by the idea of Aly and me as I had been with myself the first night I’d fed from her beauty. When I gave in and slipped into the sanctuary of her arms, giving myself over to the fantasy.
But what Dave didn’t realize was he was witnessing our reality.
This was the aftermath of all that sneaking. The outcome of all the hiding behind closed doors and all the lies that had been told.
This was what happened on the other side.
I stepped up and took Aly’s hand. It was warm and fit perfectly into my palm.
Yeah, Dave was seeing that Aly really was mine.
Aly led me down the entryway hall that led deeper into the house. The entire place echoed with the memories of our childhood.
The hallway walls were proud with pictures, photos of all three kids and the family displayed exactly the way I remembered Karen had showcased the images, except there were some new ones that added even more honor and love to the story they told. Both Aly’s and Christopher’s smiles shined bright as they posed for their high school graduations, a ton of Aug’s football pictures were put on display, and a family picture I could only assume was taken sometime around last Christmas took precedence among them all.
I was quick to drop my attention when I saw that we were still there, too – a fucking picture of the family I’d shattered was set on display right smack dab in the middle of the Moores’ story. It was the same one that had taunted me at my mother’s funeral, the one that had cast its insults at me as they’d laid her in the ground.
My pulse thundered and my pace slowed, and Aly was tugging at me like she knew, like she was removing me from what she knew I couldn’t face.
When we passed through the curved archway into the kitchen, I realized not much of this house remained the same. It’d been remodeled, and only the main walls of the basic structure were unchanged.
A modern kitchen had taken the country kitchen’s place. The bar we’d once sat at now was a large granite island with a row of low barstools taking up the end. A small table was still tucked in the bay window, but the windows were now larger and offered a better view of the backyard. Natural light shined in, reflecting off the pool, basking the entire space in the comfort of the fall sun. The wall that had blocked off the family room where we’d spent so much time hanging out had been gutted, making for one large room.
Still, it all felt so much the same, the same gentle warmth clinging to the walls.
And this smell… this fucking delicious smell that reminded me of the days we’d spent here. Us kids running around, clamoring through the cramped kitchen, our moms yelling at us to take it outside.
God, how much did I miss those simple days?
Aly glanced up at me. A wistful expression framed that gorgeous face. “I’m so glad you’re here,” she mouthed, like she somehow knew I was experiencing all of these emotions I didn’t know how to process, a disorder of disgrace wrapped up with this fucking irrational feeling, something that felt like I’d somehow made it home after I’d been lost for so long.
But it was her.
I knew it.
It thrummed a steady beat within me. This girl had brought me home.
The one who had breathed life into a blackened spirit and a deadened heart.
Right behind us, Karen clapped her hands once. “Okay, we need to get busy in here. Dinner will be ready in about an hour, so things are about to get hectic.”
Karen was wearing this granny apron that covered her whole front, and these tight little black ankle slacks and heels almost as high as the ones Aly had been wearing last night.
She’d always been a knockout, not that I’d ever thought of her that way, but damn, I wasn’t blind.
All of mine and Christopher’s friends were always calling, wanting to hang out at our houses because they wanted to get a look at our moms. Funny, ’cause it was kind of gross but kind of made us proud at the same time.
Aly released my hand and stepped toward the stove. “Just tell me what to do, Mom. That’s what I’m here for.”
Karen lifted a lid and poked at the boiling potatoes inside with a fork. “The green beans need to go into this pot here,” she said, pitching her head to the side to gesture to it. “We can probably mash these potatoes in about twenty minutes, then we need to get the gravy going and the turkey out, and then we need to get the rolls in the oven.” Her mom rattled this all off like she had the whole thing mapped out in her head, this organized chaos fueling her energy as she moved so easily about the kitchen.
“I’m on it,” Aly said as she washed her hands in the sink and went to work.
“Anything I can do to help?” I offered, standing there with my jutted hip resting up against the counter. Awkward didn’t quite describe what I was feeling. My emotions were in such conflict, I couldn’t begin to describe them, this unrelenting distress that nagged at all my senses and this comfort I wanted to sink into.
“I think we have it under control for now, but all you boys are on standby,” Karen commanded with a wave of her hand, drawing a line in the air with her pointed finger indicating the end of the island, like we weren’t allowed to step foot out of the kitchen’s boundaries.
Aly tossed me a knowing glance, one that just said we should go with it, and everything would be fine.
Aug pulled out a barstool and sat down, and I figured I’d best to do the same.
Christopher clapped me on the back as he headed toward the refrigerator. “Hey, man, you want a beer?”
“Uh… sure.”
If I wasn’t feeling so damned uncomfortable, I might have laughed at being here this way, because the last time I’d had a beer at this house Christopher had snuck us a couple when we were fifteen.
It seemed crazy that so many years had passed. That so much had changed and still these people were completely the same.
Good.
Christopher opened the large, stainless steel door of the fridge. Disappearing behind it for a couple of seconds, he came out bearing two beers. He slid one my way.
“How about you, Dad? You want one?” he asked, twisting the cap free from his and tossing it across the room and into the garbage, completely nonchalant.
Appearing to be feeling just about as uneasy as me, Dave hesitated.
Couldn’t blame him all that much. I kept thinking Aly should have warned him, given him some kind of indication of what to anticipate. Poor guy didn’t deserve this double blow.
If our roles were reversed?
I couldn’t help but imagine the baby, what it would be like, if it’d be a little girl or a boy. If it were a girl, this kind of bullshit would definitely not fly.
I wouldn’t stand for it.
Not my little girl.
Not a chance.
I twisted the cap from my beer and drained half of it, fucking overcome by the thought, because I hadn’t truly allowed my mind to go there. Those thoughts had always been an impression of what seemed an impossibility.
I looked up to meet Dave Moore’s face. Blatant distrust saturated every inch of his expression. He was graying now, just a hint around his ears and at the back of his neck. But he was a whole lot like Karen, looking so much younger than he actually was.
“Yeah, sure, son,” he said, keeping his attention trained on me, this slow simmer of anger burning somewhere in the depths of his eyes.
Christopher passed his dad a beer before he plopped down in the stool next to me and ran a hand through his unruly hair. Would have thought he’d have attempted to tame it for today. Dude was such a slob, but he was just acting like himself, and I realized that’s just the way he was. There wasn’t a whole lot of pretense obscuring what was happening inside of him.
Had to respect him for that.
Christopher tipped his beer to his mouth and took a long pull, smacked his lips, a clash of glass and granite as he set the bottle down too hard on the bar. “Damn, Mom, I have to admit, that turkey smells delicious.”
Karen smiled a little. “You think so? I hope it turns out well… That thing has been sitting in brine all night. I researched about ten different recipes.”
“Oh yeah, for sure. So much better than the turkey we had when we were ten,” he pressed on, slanting a knowing eye in my direction.
I sputtered over my beer and swiped the back of my hand over my mouth, trying not to bust up laughing, but that had to have been about the worst damned dinner I’d ever eaten.
Should have known from the tone of Christopher’s voice he was getting ready to razz his mom. That’d always been one of his favorite pastimes, messing with her, because she was just so unsuspecting.
Offense stopped Karen midstride. Her eyes narrowed when she set them on her oldest son. But the frown carved on her face fluttered with amusement, like she was about three seconds from busting up at the memory, too.
“I have absolutely no recollection of that,” she finally answered in defiance, lifting her chin as she finished her pass from the oven to the island. Metal clattered as she picked up her whisk and began whipping something in a large silver bowl.
“No… no… I’m sure you don’t remember that Thanksgiving at all,” he prodded, ribbing her more. “I’d have wiped that from my memory, too, if I’d tried to cook a completely frozen turkey.”
Aly flicked a bean at Christopher’s head. “You’re such a jerk. You leave my mom alone.” She punctuated her words by widening those expressive, green eyes.
Christopher exhaled an offended breath. “Are you kidding me, Aly Cat? First you’re taking sides with this ass over here…” He hooked his thumb in my direction. “… and now you’re gonna turn against me when we’re talking about Mom’s cooking when we both know how terrible it is?” He placed his hand over his heart. “You wound me.”
Aly waved her knife. “Yeah, I’m going to wound you if you don’t leave my mom alone.” It was all tease and affection, the two of them always at each other’s throats in the moments they weren’t having the other’s back.
Aly smiled at me, all cute and sly, and I couldn’t help but smile back. Because it’d always been like this here. Casual, easy, safe.
Somehow both frenzied and fluid, Aly and Karen moved about the kitchen, as if they were enjoying every second of creating this meal together.
“Hey, Mom,” Christopher called, “looks like you have a little issue over there. Not that I’m surprised or anything.” He laughed as Karen flew around from what she was whisking on the bar to find the pot of potatoes boiling over. A tower of steaming water bubbled up from under the lid, racing down the side of the pot and hissing as it splashed onto the stove.
“Oh my God,” she said. She grabbed a potholder and yanked off the lid. She quickly stirred it, mumbling profanities under her breath, all of them directed at Christopher.
Her son cocked a sarcastic brow. “You sure you have that under control over there? Because it definitely doesn’t look that way to me. The whole kitchen looks like a war zone.”
Karen’s grin was wide and mocking. “Oh no, my sweet boy, I’m sure everything’s fine. Because you’ll be the one doing dishes.”
Christopher floundered at that. “Ahh… shit, Mom, I was just playing around, and now you’re going to go and punish me?”
“Um, yeah, I am, because you deserve it. And watch your mouth before I wash it out with soap,” she scolded, pointing her spoon at Christopher.
Middrink, I cracked up, because Karen was just really fucking cool. When Christopher punched me in the shoulder, I spit out the mouthful of beer I was trying to hold in. I was doing my best to cover it all up with my hand, but I couldn’t stop myself from laughing, couldn’t stop myself from feeling like I wanted to stay.
I caught Aly’s eye from where she was rinsing off the green beans at the sink. A hint of a smile played at her mouth, something that said I told you so and Things are going to be just fine.
But her eyes said so much more. They were welcoming me home.
Guarded, Dave watched the whole scene from where he rested back against the far counter. Really, he was just watching me, maybe warning me.
I dropped my gaze, dreading what was in store. Because if he couldn’t accept me now, he sure as hell wouldn’t accept me when he found out what was coming.
Close to an hour later, we all gathered at the table, Aly and I wedged on the inside near the windows, Christopher to my left at the end, and Aug directly across from me. Karen sat across from Aly, and Dave sat at the head in between her and Aly.
Maybe Karen had screwed up dinner twelve years ago, but she sure as hell had perfected it since. A moan rumbled somewhere deep in my chest when I took my first bite. “This dinner is unbelievable, Karen,” I said, not because I was kissing her ass but because it really was true.
A chorus of agreement rose up at the table.
An appreciative smile kissed her mouth, and she lifted her wineglass to me. “I’m just thankful you’re here to share it with us.”
“Thank you.” My voice came rough and quiet, but I really meant it, too.
Because God, it felt amazing sitting here. Sharing this with Aly. With her family.
Being with her.
I searched for her hand under the table and pulled it onto my lap, because I just wanted to feel her. Warmth sped through my veins, lighting a fire in my stomach and in my mind because as I sat there, I couldn’t stop myself from dreaming of what could be.
Through the large windows behind us, the sun began to sink toward the horizon, the early evening encroaching as the day slowly slipped away. It dimmed the room and thickened the mood, that same joy that sat so prominent on Aly’s face hours before now radiating from her entire body.
Conversation was light and the banter was high, like it had always been at the Moores’, though Dave had said few words the entire day. I knew Aly felt the tension from her father, but this girl just chose to enjoy the day that we had, forging on with the celebration like she’d promised when we left her room this morning.
It’s what mattered to her, so I made the choice for it to matter to me, too.
I just ate and enjoyed and forced down all the worries plaguing me.
Christopher chewed, swallowing before he spoke. “So, Aug, I hear the big game is coming up in a couple of weeks?”
Aug’s face lit up. “Yep, two weeks from tomorrow. Can’t believe we made it to State. It’s going to be a tough game, but I think we have a really good shot at winning the championship.”
“Proud of you, man,” Christopher said, lifting his chin in his younger brother’s direction. “You led them to it.”
“Thanks, Christopher.” Augustyn’s attention bounced around the table. “You all are coming, aren’t you?”
“I wouldn’t miss it,” Christopher immediately said.
Aug gestured to me. “What about you?”
“Of course.” It fell from my mouth without hesitation. No question, Aly would want to be there. Her little brother was the star quarterback, and this was going to be the biggest game of his life – so far, at least. And shit, I hadn’t gotten the chance to know him all that well, and I was happy to sign up for something that made the kid happy.
A crash of metal and glass halted the easy conversation. All eyes darted to the end of the table, where Dave had thrown his fork to his plate. He pushed his chair back from the table. “Goddamn it.” His voice resonated as a low growl when he muttered the words, just loud enough for the table to hear.
The man stared back at me with unmitigated hate.
“Dave,” Karen whispered urgently. Outright worry creased her forehead.
“What?” he shot back, unfazed, his anger escalating. “You want me to just continue sitting here, pretending like I shouldn’t be concerned with what’s happening?” His glare made a pass over me and Aly before he jerked it back to his wife. “Because it’s pretty damn clear I’m the only person sitting at this table who is taken by surprise that there’s something going on with these two, and I don’t exactly appreciate being made the fool.”
“Dad, no one is trying to make you out to be a fool,” Aly said, her tone almost pleading as she leaned toward him.
Hurt knitted up his brow. “Then what are you trying to do, Aly? Because I’m sitting here feeling like the brunt of a sick joke.”
Sick joke.
Guess Dave didn’t feel like keeping up pretenses, either.
To my left, Christopher stood, stripped of the easiness he always wore. “Come on, Aug, let’s go shoot some hoops out back, give these guys a minute to talk.”
Aug seemed reluctant. His gaze slid over the mess of faces, over the worry on his mother and the sadness on his sister. It finally settled on the hostility emanating from his father. Slowly he stood. “Yeah,” he said awkwardly, “would be good to burn off some of this dinner.” He placed a hand on Karen’s shoulder and kissed her on top of the head. “Dinner was great, Mom. Thank you.”
Silently, she nodded and patted his hand before they turned to leave.
We listened to their footsteps retreat, like they were a silent marker, a bell.
Fire struck in Dave’s eyes as he leveled them on me before he set them on Aly. Waiting.
Waiting on an explanation I knew he was going to be none too happy to receive.
Closing her eyes, Aly tightened her fingers on mine where our hands were still clasped on my lap, like she was looking for some kind of strength from me. I squeezed her back, ran my thumb over the back of her hand, not knowing what to say, not knowing how to take this away from her. Because no matter what, I knew this conversation was not going to go well.
Finally, she lifted her face back to Dave. “Dad, I’m sorry. It was never like that. I knew we needed to talk, but I wanted to wait until after dinner. I just wanted us to enjoy the holiday. Enjoy dinner and our family.”
“Enjoy dinner?” he asked, incredulous. “This has been about the least enjoyable dinner I’ve ever had. Your mom tells me Jared is coming to dinner yesterday, but she doesn’t say a word about the two of you, instead making it seem like he’s in town visiting. Sure doesn’t look that way to me. How long has this been going on?”
I gritted my teeth, because he was sitting there talking down to my girl, like she was some ignorant child who had no idea what she was doing. But I saw it in his eyes. Concern. So I swallowed it down, holding in the shiver of nerves that tingled through my limbs, the adrenaline spike I knew so well.
Fuck.
Almost apologetically, Aly glanced at me. Unshed tears blurred her eyes. “This summer —”
“What?” The mention of months gone by had Dave cutting her off before she even had a chance to start. He leaned forward in his seat. Obviously that bit of information pissed him off. His shoulders bunched up like he was trying to contain his own aggression.
“Let her talk, Dave,” Karen demanded, low, almost as intense as what had shot from her husband’s mouth.
A burdened breath seeped from Aly, and she chewed at her lip, like she was gauging the best way to lay this on her dad.
When I was a kid, I’d always thought Dave was a good guy. But even back then, I’d always been a little fearful of him. He’d never let anything get in the way of protecting his family, and he’d be damned if he let Christopher and me play him in any way.
Keen. Quick to judge.
And that was the thing – he’d cast his judgment on me years ago, and there was nothing Aly or I could say that would sway it.
We just were getting ready to seal it.
“At the beginning of this past summer,” she continued, her nails cutting into my skin, “Christopher ran into Jared. Jared ended up staying with us for a few months… and he and I…” Aly trailed off. Suggestion colored the words. Clearly, she wasn’t going to fill her dad in on all the little details she didn’t exactly relish elaborating on.
Thank God for that, because I was already sitting there fucking squirming on the hard, wooden chair, feeling all those eyes boring into me, searching for my intent.
The fucked-up thing was Karen looked like she wanted to squeeze me in her arms until I couldn’t breathe, and Dave just looked like he wanted to squeeze the life out of me.
Couldn’t blame him.
He knew it, saw it written all over me. He knew I’d been buried in his daughter, feasting on every ounce of pleasure that this girl could bring me.
But what he didn’t know was how it made me feel, what she made me feel. He had no clue that this wasn’t just some game I was playing with her.
He had no idea how Aly had changed me. Despite all the hate I harbored inside, this girl still managed to make me love her. She’d poured so much of it into me there was no chance I wouldn’t feel it back.
“What do you mean for a few months?” Dave frowned, putting the fragmented pieces together, trying to make it all add up, because the guy wasn’t stupid and he knew he didn’t have the full story.
A soft sigh flowed from Karen as she watched Aly with sympathy, because she knew all about the pain I’d brought down on her daughter. But really, she didn’t know the half of it. She didn’t know how badly Aly had been hurting, how scared she’d been while I’d been away.
“He stayed with us for a few months. Some things happened and he left.”
“He left.” It was a statement. Dave Moore had just found his sum.
Frustration and hope tumbled from Aly in a flood of words, and she leaned across the table, flattened her hand against it in front of him, trying to create some kind of connection with him, imploring with him to listen. “Dad, I know you can’t understand all of this, or maybe you just might not want to, but things happened between me and Jared that he wasn’t ready to deal with. And, yes, I was hurt when he was away.” Honesty poured from her. “But he came back to me. For good. We’re together and we’re going to be.”
She said it like it was the simplest thing in the world when everything between us had always been so complicated, every emotion that flushed through my body complex, the joy hinging on the hate, this reckless balance that could so easily tip and spin us out of control.
But I wasn’t going to let it.
As if he knew it, Dave watched me, like he could somehow see through me, inside me, deep into the darkness that possessed so much of my blackened spirit. And I knew it scared him because he was scared for his daughter, and it was the exact same shit that scared me, too.
“So that’s it… he’s just here and you’re together?” Dave shrugged like it didn’t matter all that much, but there was no mistaking the rage boiling his blood. “And I guess it’s safe to assume he’s back at the apartment with you and Christopher.”
Slowly, Aly nodded, carefully wetting her lips, buying time. Dread radiated from her pores, panic thick as it locked up her throat. She fought to get the words through. “Yes, he’s staying with us. But no, that’s not all.” Her voice cracked on the last word.
Everyone stilled. A dense silence thickened in the stagnant air.
Dave stared at me with unfaltering hate while Aly dropped her attention to her lap, like she could find the courage bundled there. “Jared and I…” Determined, Aly lifted her face. Her eyes darted between her parents. “We’re going to have a baby.”
Every nerve in my body lit in searing pain and gutting shame, because I was never supposed to be allowed this. It was followed by a flood of all the love I felt for this girl and this insane sense of pride.
Fidgeting, I raked my free hand though my hair as I clung to Aly’s with the other. I searched for something to say to cover up this fucking insufferable stillness that had taken over the room.
But no one said anything. They were just staring, wide-eyed and in shock. Both of them. That stagnant air suddenly dropped, strangling us like a fucking noose as Aly and I tried to breathe around all this bullshit and judgment.
Then that silence came crashing down.
Dave shot to his feet and threw his plate across the room. China shattered as it hit the far wall. It rained down, and pieces scattered across the tile floor.
Aly cringed, her shoulders coming up. She turned her face toward me, ducking from her father’s reaction.
Karen Moore started to quietly cry.
I rocked in my chair, that warning system blaring in my ear, screaming at me to get my shit and go.
Motherfucker.
And Aly was just sitting there, tears streaming down her face.
All I wanted to do was grab her, wrap her up in my arms, and get the hell out of there.
Fight or flight.
I was really fucking good at both of them.
But fighting with her dad seemed like a really bad idea.
And I knew I wasn’t going anywhere.
Dave pressed his hands into the table as he glared at me. “How dare you come here… into my house… after you did this? I told you years ago you weren’t welcome here, and here you sit with that smug look on your face.”
Aggression stirred, simmered in that place where hostility and anger always seethed and smoldered inside of me. Unstoppable, my hands curled into fists. Adrenaline pumped like fire through my veins, the malice from within my blackened soul spurring me forward, urgent as it begged for release.
I couldn’t stop it, couldn’t control it, and I pushed to my feet. My jaw clenched, the sound of my teeth grating in my ears as I tried to contain it, hold it back.
Because this was Aly’s dad who was staring me down, getting all up in my face. I knew he was just trying to protect his daughter from what he saw as a threat.
The same threat I’d been trying to protect her from for all those months I was hiding away in her apartment.
And was that threat any less real now?
I gripped the back of my head, doing all I could to try to calm myself, to hold in the rage that built and spread.
The thing that pissed me off the most was there was no self-satisfaction, nothing smug about what was playing out on my face. Yeah, there was pride, but that pride was all wrapped up in this amazing girl who’d shaken my world.
I tried to get control of my thoughts, to put them into words, because Dave Moore thought he had me pegged. “You have no clue how I feel about this… how I feel about Aly.”
Disbelieving laughter rocked from him. “Do you think I care about how you feel? What I care about is my daughter.”
Aly pushed up to my side. “I’m not a little girl, Dad… You know that. And I know you’re disappointed, but this is what I want.”
“This is what you want?” he spat at her. “You want to ruin your life? Have you even thought this through? You’ve worked so hard, getting accepted into nursing school, and now you’re going to settle for this?”
Aly recoiled, leaning back as if she needed to put space between them. “You think I’m settling?” Sadness flooded her admission. “I never even wanted to be a nurse… tell me when you ever heard me dreaming of that, Dad? When? Deciding to go to nursing school was settling. Do you even know anything about me?”
Remorse flashed across his face and mixed with the anger. “Of course I know you.”
Aly’s voice trembled. “You obviously know very little about me if you think a child is going to ruin my life.”
“I’m not worried about you wasting your life having a child, Aly. I’m worried about you wasting your life with him. He destroyed his family. Don’t let him destroy yours, too.”
The words speared me, the sharpest possible knife driven straight into my soul, splitting me wide.
Pain seized my heart.
I destroy everything I touch.
Voices and faces and memories pressed in too close, clouding my mind. Bitterness roiled. I stumbled back.
Aly gasped. “Oh my God. Jared.”
I pushed around the table, all this fucked-up world too much for me to take.
Aly scrambled over the chairs, trying to get to me, her face all pleading and filled with the fear I knew she harbored inside, the one that told her one day I would leave.
“Jared,” she whispered.
Karen stared wide-eyed at me, sadness swimming in her eyes, while Dave glared at me like the piece of shit I was.
“Just need some air,” I forced out because I couldn’t walk out of this house with Aly thinking I was walking out on her.
Rapidly Aly blinked, stepping away, giving me space.
Because this girl knew me.
I rushed out of the house and into the night. Cold air clashed against my heated cheeks, and I gripped my hair in my fists.
“Fuck!” I roared.
I stalked up the sidewalk, struggling to draw a breath into my constricted lungs, trying to forget the words that had just been spoken inside.
Because in them, I knew the truth. I knew what Dave Moore saw because I saw it in myself.
I froze when I lifted my head and caught sight of the little house that harbored so many memories.
Images of her face beat against my consciousness. Conflict ate me alive, tearing me down and at the same time building me up.
I hated it, knowing how those walls once held her presence, how she’d lived and breathed in them, filled them with laughter and joy and the warmth of her love.
Tonight darkness blanketed the face of the little house. It screamed of emptiness, of a hollowed-out vacancy that could never be filled.
I hated it, knowing I’d destroyed it.
Hated knowing I’d destroyed her.
That I’d destroyed beauty.
And now again I held beauty in my hands, and I didn’t know how I was supposed to handle it. How did I protect something so fragile. What if I broke her?
But I knew in my gut that walking away from Aly would break her.
As if I ever could, even if I tried.
Because there was no walking away from her.
Not now.
Not ever.