Normally, breakfast was a lighthearted affair with Blake. I usually did most of the cooking while he poured himself a tall glass of milk, slowly drank it down and leaned in against my backside while I was trying to fry the bacon. Blake’s playful side was adorable and infectious.

That’s why his distant behavior was so noticeable. I began cooking like normal, and Blake poured his glass of milk, but then, instead of having contact with me, he wandered to the kitchen door and peered out at the rest of the world.

I asked, “Are you watching for something out there?”

Blake said, “No, it’s just another beautiful spring day. I’m looking at the flowers, and the birds. I think you’ve done a great job with the flowers over at my house.”

I said, “We’ve got another softball practice at 5:30 p.m. This is the one that Reggie called sort of last minute because we didn’t have anything on the schedule this week, and he didn’t want to lose our momentum. You didn’t forget, did you?”

Blake’s voice was soft and distant. “No, didn’t forget…” Then he moved to the sink and leaned forward looking out the windows that faced the backyard.

He was almost entirely silent as I finished up the bacon and scrambled some eggs. I placed all of the food on the table and called him to eat it. As he sat, Blake started to tap the table with a fingertip. It was not a normal behavior. Instead it was the tapping of someone nervous and preoccupied.

After taking a bite of the bacon, Blake said, in a flat voice. “That’s good.”

I watched him closely. The finger kept tapping even as he picked up a fork with the opposite hand. He took small sips of the milk and then petite bites of the scrambled eggs. He said, “It’s all good, Ian. Thank you.”

I ate my food mostly in silence, but then something snapped, and I couldn’t take the odd behavior any longer. I asked, “Are you okay, Blake?”

He looked up as if startled. “I’m fine. Why do you ask?”

The finger stopped tapping, and I said, “Because you seem so preoccupied, and that’s making you distant. I don’t know what you’re thinking about. Is there something you haven’t told me?”

“Preoccupied?” he asked. “It’s a beautiful day outside. Do you think I’m acting different just because I want to look outside?”

I shook my head. “No, I think you’re acting different because you are acting different. What happened to the Blake that downs a huge, tall glass of milk in three gulps and then grinds into my ass while I’m trying to cook?”

He said, “I thought you said that makes it hard to concentrate on your cooking.”

Sighing, I said, “It does sometimes, but that doesn’t mean I hate it. Something is up. Are you going to tell me there’s nothing going on in your head?”

Blake put his fork down and said, “Okay, I’ll tell you, but I don’t think you’re going to like it. Just remember, I haven’t made any decisions. Things are completely in flux.”

I didn’t know what to think. My mind raced in all sorts of directions. Is Blake moving away? Did he find someone else? Are we breaking up? I did my best to take a deep breath and listen.

He looked down at his plate and said, “It’s about those guys that were at the softball game the other day. Remember the ones I met by the fence, and you asked who they were?”

I said, “Yes, I do, so what’s going on, Blake?”

“They play in one of the baseball leagues here in the city. I’m still not completely sure how they tracked me down. They said that it had to do something with a baseball fanatic that figured out a minor leaguer was here in the city. Anyway, they wanted me to check out one of their games.”

“And you went?” I asked. “When did all of that happen?”

He nodded yes. “The other night when I said I had to leave for work early to go to the Toolbox. I went to the game first and then went to work.”

I bit my lip realizing he didn’t tell the truth, but I stopped short of blurting out anything and I let him continue.”

He said, “There’s a new-ish little stadium dedicated to adult baseball. I really enjoyed it, Ian.” He finally looked up again and stared into my eyes. “You may not understand it at all, but I started playing baseball when I was in second grade. There’s something different about the sound of the bat when it hits the ball. There’s a different rhythm to the game.”

“So you miss it?” I asked.

Blake nodded again. He said, “Yeah, I realized I do. The guys seem really nice, and I’ve volunteered to try playing in a game to see what I think.”

“And the Soft Serves?” I asked.

He sighed heavily and looked down again. “I don’t know. I really don’t know. Like I said, I don’t know where any of this leads. Maybe I could do both. Maybe I’ll hate the baseball when I do it again. You guys really are great, and I love the softball, but it’s incomplete…somehow.” Raising his chin, he asked, “Do you understand how really hard this is for me, Ian?”

I started by saying, “Yeah, I guess I do. You worked really hard on baseball for most of your life. Are you thinking this is a first step back to the minors? I still think that’s pretty unrealistic.”

He said, “No, this is just a chance to play a game that I love. I don’t have any plans to go beyond the local team. It’s about the game not the glory.”

I said, “I definitely can’t stand in the way. It’s your thing to sort out, Blake…”

He jumped on my words and his voice perked up. Blake said, “Thank you, Ian. I knew you would understand. I was so worried that you would be pissed off.”

I set my fork down and said, “But there’s one other thing.”

“Something else?” asked Blake with a perplexed look on his face.

“Do you remember what you said when I asked you about the guys at the softball game?”

In all seriousness he asked, “Did I change the topic?”

I stared into his dark brown eyes and said, “You told me that it was nothing. That was a lie, Blake. You knew it was something. You were already planning to go to the game.”

He sputtered briefly and then said, “I meant that it was nothing we should be concerned about. None of this has anything to do with my relationship with you. You make me so incredibly happy, Ian…”

I could feel my jaw starting to set in place. “And you lied to me.”

He placed his hands on the edge of the table and gripped so tight that I could see his knuckles turn white. “Maybe it wasn’t true, but I didn’t mean it as a lie. Now you know anyway. I’m not keeping something from you. I’m sorry if you don’t like it.”

Our voices were starting to rise in volume. I had a brief thought in my head that this was the first argument with Blake, and it was normal to have arguments…but then that thought was overshadowed by rising anger. I said, “I don’t like that you didn’t think it was important to talk to me. I had to drag it out of you.”

Blake stood up and he slammed one hand down on the table. “This is exactly like I thought it would be. You don’t really understand, and you’re trying to accuse me of something that I didn’t intend. That’s a lousy tactic, Ian.”

I tried to stay calm and said, “I just don’t like being lied to, particularly by my boyfriend.”

Blake glared down at me and said, “Wake up, Ian. Sometimes it’s hard to talk about something. You can’t expect the whole damn world, including me, to talk about every damn topic on your schedule. The whole damn world isn’t about you.”

I said, “I’m just talking about us, Blake.”

“Well, I’m not feeling much ‘us’ right now. Fuck it. I’m going home.” He stomped to the kitchen door, opened it, and then slammed it hard behind him.”

I lowered my head into my hands as a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions swirled around. I could feel some relief that we both lived through a first argument. Now it was time to apologize and patch things back together. Unfortunately, I was also scared that it was bigger than an easy patch back together. He told me that his game was baseball, and softball wasn’t enough. In his own words, it wasn’t complete.