The scene threw me off my game from the get-go.
I’d expected Ashton’s “squad” to be full of glitzy Upper East Side people with bland pronunciation, but the group that rocked up to the apartment was anything but. Jace and Aiden were the polyamorous married couple Ashton had gushed about for months, but I’d only met them briefly at the wedding. They both talked a mile a minute with noticeable New York accents, gestured a lot, and shifted around each other as if they were magnetized. They finished each other’s sentences and gave off exactly zero percent evidence of jealousy despite the way each of them took turns checking me and Angel out.
Angel was someone I definitely hadn’t expected, but I immediately gravitated to him. He looked as thrilled to be at this little get-together as I was, but made up for it by dropping a six-pack down on the table and tossing me a can. We bonded over beer and a conversation about the previous weekend’s fight, and I was instantly comforted by his low voice, liberal profanity, and slang that made me feel at home. He and Stephanie were both total knockouts, and I honestly had never seen a better-looking couple—if they were even a couple.
Meredith Stone was the only person who fit the image that had come prepopulated in my head. She was the same brand of rich as Ashton—born into it and so accustomed to it that she didn’t seem aware of how privileged she was. Or how obvious it was that she’d lived a charmed life.
It was also obvious that she loathed me.
I hadn’t received death glares that mean since my sister and Matt had learned I’d dropped out of Hostos Community College to start driving cabs.
“Why are you stag?” Ashton asked Mere as he nibbled on an egg roll. They’d all brought snacks, and both Queens couples had come bearing Chinese. Mere had just brought a ton of hard liquor. “Maybe Tonya could have come . . .”
Angel looked confused. “Why would Tonya come? She’d rather eat ten thousand scorpions than—” Steph elbowed him in the side, and he caught himself. “This isn’t really her scene. She’s not the social type.”
“Unless she’s sharing a dressing room,” Mere grumbled. “Not that we spoke much with her fingers lodged in my pussy.”
Angel choked on his beer while Steph and Jace cracked up. Aiden worked on clearing the table of all remaining food, remaining wisely silent.
“Please never say that again.” Angel cringed. “You people are on some next shit. You can’t say that type of stuff in mixed company, man.”
“Why not? We’re all friends here,” Mere said breezily. She paused and looked me up and down. “Sort of.”
Wow. What the hell did this girl have against me?
I didn’t reply, but Ashton’s gaze flit slowly between us. His brow was creased in confusion.
“Yeah, well, if you ever want to hook up with T-Bone, I strongly suggest you don’t go around spilling her business for random heads to hear.” Angel pointed a fork at Mere. “You feel me?”
“I’d feel you better if Steph would share.”
Steph’s lips spread in a naughty smile despite her gaze being cold and humorless. She looked over at Angel. “What do you think? Having a change of heart about threesomes yet? I know you were feeling judgmental before.”
Angel gave her a blank stare. “I’m going to get more beer.” He stood, all six foot whatever of him towering over the rest of us sitting on the floor, and jerked his chin at me. “Come to the store with me.”
It was more of a command than a suggestion, but I stood without hesitation and followed him to the door. I could feel Mere’s glare burning into the space between my shoulder blades the entire way. Once we were outside the apartment and heading down the stairs, Angel whistled under his breath.
“This is really not my crowd, man.”
“Me fucking either.” I took a deep breath once we were out on the sidewalk. “I appreciate the escape.”
“Not a problem. That one chick wants to go all Hannibal on your ass, so I figured why not take you with me.” Angel shoved a cigarette in his mouth and headed for the corner store. “And now Steph is getting passive-aggressive, so it was time to bounce the fuck on out of there.”
“You two together?”
“Not really.”
“Huh.”
Angel looked at me sideways. “What’s that mean?”
Shrugging, I slid my hands into my pockets. “Just surprised. You look like you belong together.”
The corner of Angel’s mouth turned up, but he masked it by taking a drag. “Yeah, I’ve been telling myself that for about ten years, but it’s complicated.”
I had a feeling that was probably the reason for her passive aggression, because there was no way those two were not fucking. I’d never thought about it before, but now I picked up on the subtle differences between friends and people who were intimately involved. The way they touched without thinking about it, the way they looked at each other from time to time, and the energy between them. It sounded like a bunch of new-age bullshit in my head, but I knew for a fact it was now painfully apparent that Ashton and I were going to bed together. We found a way to touch each other even when there was no reason for it to be happening, and in the past week, I’d noticed myself standing way too close.
It felt so good to be this affectionate that a voice in my head had begun steadily asking why I’d waited so long to be with someone. But Ashton wasn’t just any person. He was Ashton, and he was mine. For now.
We went to the store, bought a couple more six-packs, and took our time walking back. Broadway was ridiculously crowded even at this time in the evening, and I couldn’t imagine living in a place so constantly active. My block wasn’t exactly a quiet oasis, but you could at least get from one street to the next without wading through throngs of unfamiliar people.
“So, how do you know Ashton?”
Angel smirked. “You don’t have to make small talk.”
“I know, but I’m curious. You seem more like my crowd than his.”
“I know that’s right.” Angel pulled another cigarette from his pack and lit it, exhaling through his nose. “Me and Stephanie met all these people because of that QFindr shit. There was a cruise we all went on, and then the CEO or whatever the hell asked Steph and a couple of my other friends to do this promotional photo shoot that got their faces all over billboards and subway ads.” We stopped walking outside of Ashton’s building, and he leaned against the side. “She, Ashton, and a couple of the others are pretty much birds of a sexed-up feather now. All they do is talk about fucking all day.”
“I noticed.”
“It’s just not really my style.” Angel shook his head and glanced up at the sky. “No judgment, but I don’t do casual sex or . . . sex clubs and shit. Was kinda shocked when Stephanie showed interest. Was even more shocked when my boy Chris started kicking it with Jace and Aiden. And I definitely don’t discuss my personal life with random people.”
“We’re of the same mind on that, buddy.”
We stood outside while he finished his cigarette, but we were halfway into the lobby when Meredith stepped out of the elevator. We started to bypass her, but one of her hands clamped around my arm.
“Can we talk?”
I looked between her hand and her face, expecting her to release me, but she just raised a challenging brow. Angel shook his head and flashed a deuce before heading toward the vacated elevator. Smart man.
“What’s up?” I asked, trying not to be annoyed that this strange woman felt like she could grab me. “Can I get my arm back?”
“Can we go outside and talk?” she countered, all attitude and impatience. “It’s important.”
“I don’t even know you. How important could it be?”
She slammed her lips together and glared before saying, “It’s about Ashton.”
I don’t know if it was the steely look in her eyes or the foreboding tone, but I suddenly had no doubt that she knew everything. A cold sweat broke out on me and my heart catapulted in my chest, slamming against my rib cage as if it were seeking an escape. A cornered-animal feeling overcame me, and bolting through the doors seemed like a good idea. If I escaped this conversation and revelation, I wouldn’t have to own up to it. I wouldn’t have to admit that our time together was about to come to an abrupt end.
But even as I panicked inside, I kept it cool on the outside. With one short nod, I said, “Sure.”
Mere let me go and marched outside, her willowy legs allowing her to cross the lobby in a couple of strides. Some of her attitude turned to tension, and she hunched in on herself with her arms crossed over her chest.
“Do you care about Ashton?”
“What’s it to you?”
Her brows shot up. “I’m his friend. And even though he probably thinks all of us just hang out with him because he’s a good time, we care. I care. And I don’t want to see him hurt.”
“And you think I’m going to hurt him?”
“I think I don’t know you,” she said flatly. “When I first grew close with Ashton last winter, you were the guy he wished would return his calls. The guy he lamented about avoiding him for months. The guy he thought would never see how much worth he had because you didn’t agree with his lifestyle.”
“That had nothing to do with it,” I snapped. “The only thing that frustrates me about Ashton is that he craves affection so much that he lets assholes use him. And that would be fine if I didn’t know it ate away at him inside.”
Mere had started nodding, seemingly despite herself. “He’s sensitive and sweet, and you’re right. Which is why your sudden presence in his life has me confused. Why didn’t you sweep him off his feet before? Why now?”
“Look, lady, I’ve known Ashton for more than half my life. I don’t have to explain—”
“You do have to explain because I have—” Her voice had started to rise, so she paused with gritted teeth and stepped closer to me. Her flinty eyes were practically sparking fire. “I have reason to suspect you’re only pretending to care about him now because his brother is paying you to do it.”
My eyes widened. “What? That doesn’t make sense.”
“It’s not like he hasn’t done it before. Except in the past, you weren’t screwing Ashton for that bonus mind-fuck.”
I turned away from her. It was like being punched in the gut repeatedly, in the same spot, and it took me a few seconds to regain my bearings. “Listen, I don’t know who told you that—”
“Dylan did. I took him out for a drink the other night in an attempt to get him off Ashton’s ass, and he got drunk and ranted about what a screwup his little brother is.” Mere paused before saying more quietly, “And how his father used to pay you to look after him.”
I dug my fingers into my hair, knotting them, and stared at the street light. I didn’t realize my eyes were tearing until the walk signal started to blur.
“I was desperate for money. And it ended when my mother passed. And . . . after we slept together the first time.”
“Then you avoided him for months, I now assume due to guilt. So, I don’t understand why you’d go down that road again,” she hissed. “Coincidentally when Dylan is trying to force Ashton into this shitty situation with Brett Decker.”
I looked up at the sky, set my jaw, and then glanced down at her again. “I don’t know why now and not a year ago, or three years ago, but it’s happening. I love him, and it has nothing to do with his brother. In fact, Dylan threatened to tell Ashton about the money if I didn’t end things with him and convince him to make nice with Brett.”
Mere rocked back on her heels, and I saw all of her built-up concern and anger falling away. “Oh.”
“Yeah,” I said sharply. “Oh. So don’t come at me with your accusations. You don’t know me. And you don’t know how awful I feel for ever taking his father’s money, but I did it because I thought it was the only way I could pay my mother’s medical bills. And I didn’t think—” I hadn’t thought Ashton would stay in my life for so long. I’d expected him to walk away from me once he found his way, and I’d never thought it would matter. “Whatever. Doesn’t matter. I fucked up, but I told his father it was over. Which is why I’ve never taken that bullshit job offer at TTC. I would rather do odd jobs and drive a cab for the rest of my life.”
If Mere regretted coming at me with accusations, I couldn’t tell. She gave me the same hawk-eyed stare, likely trying to peer into my soul to tell if I was being genuine or not. As much as I wanted to be angry at the interrogation and accusation, I wasn’t. She was being a friend, and goddamn was I happy for Ashton to finally have some real ones.
“I’m sorry I hurt him,” I said after a moment of silence. “And I’m sorry that, eventually, I’ll have to hurt him again when he finds out.”
She looked away then, sadness finally breaking through her hardened expression. “I am too.”
Instead of returning to the floor where everyone was still lounging and talking, I made eye contact with Ashton and beckoned him to the door. He hesitated, but schooled his features and got up. It looked like he was bracing himself.
“You’re leaving,” he said without question.
“It’s probably a good idea.” I rubbed my hand over my head and tried to figure out what he was thinking or feeling. I saw nothing but blankness. “I need to go to the gym. The fight’s in two weeks.”
“I know, Valdrin. You reminded me ten times today.” There was another of those pauses, like he was contemplating stopping himself from saying or doing something, but then disregarded it. He opened the front door and pulled me out into the hall. “What’s going on with you and Mere?”
“Nothing’s going on.”
“She’s been giving you the evil eye all night, and then she followed you downstairs. I’m not stupid, Valdrin. I know something’s up.”
“I—” Truth or lie? Tell him myself or wait for someone else to spill it? My mind raced as panic set in, and my heart again slammed against my chest as if it were trying to escape. “There’s something I need to tell you. I tried to tell you last week, and I should have just done it then. It would have been . . . better then.” My voice was dropping lower with each word. I grabbed his hand and squeezed. “But this past week has been like a fucking dream, and I didn’t want to ruin it.”
If I felt panicked, Ashton seemed downright terrified. He pulled his hand from mine and flattened himself against the wall.
“You’re scaring me. Please just tell me.”
I opened my mouth but took a deep breath instead of speaking. He wasn’t going to talk to me again. He would never see me again. Never touch me, hug me, fuck me, sing to himself while in my kitchen or take silly pictures and promise to not post them for the rest of the world to see. Everything that had been building between us would be out the window.
“Valdrin, tell me.”
“Your father,” I blurted finally. “There’s a reason he thinks I’d take a job from him. Why he wants me under his thumb.” When Ashton continued to stare at me in confusion, I said, “The conditions of me accepting that job are for me to keep myself available to you. Indefinitely.”
His brows snapped together. “What does that mean?”
“Fuck.” I started pacing, both hands buried in my thick hair. “Fuck my life.”
“Val, what does that mean?”
“It means that he wanted to pay me to babysit you, even in adulthood,” I said, still refusing to meet his eyes. “He wanted to make sure, even after he moved away, that someone he trusted was taking care of you.”
“Making sure I don’t fuck up,” Ashton said, and that was when I looked up at him. His jaw was set, mouth in a tight line. “That’s why you won’t take the job. Because the job isn’t real. It’s a salary to be my babysitter.”
I could have stopped there, let him think that was the extent of it and that I’d stood up to his father by refusing to accept. But I couldn’t.
“There’s more.”
Ashton’s hands balled into fists, and pressed himself harder against the wall. Once again bracing for impact and news that would crush him completely. That would take away the bits of hope he’d likely allowed himself to have about our relationship. About me.
“The reason your father thought I would go along with it is because . . .” I wetted my lips, my mouth suddenly very dry. “Because after the sex tape came out, I’d agreed.”
The color drained from his face, and his voice was strained. “Agreed to do what?”
“I—I’d agreed to watch out for you. Go places with you. Make sure you didn’t do anything crazy.” Before my eyes, Ashton’s neutral expression crumbled to expose hurt. So much fucking hurt. And then I put the nail in the coffin of our budding relationship. “He paid me for it,” I whispered. “That’s how . . . That’s why your father thinks—”
“I get it.” Ashton’s voice was thick and his eyes were damp, but he hadn’t moved from the wall. “And now I get why Dylan talked to you alone. He threatened to tell me about this if you didn’t stop interfering with his deal.”
I nodded wordlessly. The need to hold him was overwhelming, but when I moved closer, he held up his hands.
“No. Don’t.” Ashton bowed his head. “I can’t believe this is happening.”
“Ashton, please. Just let me explain,” I said desperately. “I didn’t expect us to be this way. I never thought you’d keep me in your life once we were older, or that I’d . . . I’d love you.” All of it was too thin to have any substance. I was making things worse judging by the way his head bowed lower. “All I saw was the money. A way to help my mom once she got sick. A way to get Hana into school. I never wanted to hurt you.”
An ugly laughed ripped out of Ashton’s mouth. “You never wanted to hurt me? You pretended to be my friend for money.”
This time, I did cross the space between us and put my hands on him. He jerked away, but I trapped him against the wall.
“Ashton, I love you.”
His lower lip trembled and tears released from his eyes, tracking down his face. “You lied to me,” he whispered. “All these years, I thought you were so loyal and overprotective. I thought you wanted to spend time with me back then, that you actually gave a damn about me. I was grateful to you.”
“I did care.” I smoothed my hand over his face, wiping the tears, but my own eyes grew damp when he jerked his face away. “God, Ashton, you have to believe me. I’ve tried to be there for you since we were kids. I was infatuated with you since we were kids. That’s why he asked—because he would be paying me to do things I was already doing, and he knew I was fucking desperate. This doesn’t change anything. It’s— I’ve always cared for you, baby. Please believe me.”
Ashton shook his head. “No. If you cared, you wouldn’t have done it. You would have told me. I wouldn’t have cared, Valdrin. Don’t you see? I would have told you to do it. Or I’d have given you the money myself. But, instead, you lied. You let me believe . . . you let me think you . . .” He choked up and only just managed to say, “I feel so stupid. I should have known better.”
“How could you have known?”
“Because I should have fucking realized that you would never willingly torture yourself by going around with me.” Ashton tried to pull away from me, but I wouldn’t let him escape. Frustration and tension built in his frame until he was a slab of unyielding stone against me. “All of those parties and events, how you hung out in my room instead of going out with friends you met at school and then at the gym . . . it always seemed too good to be true because I had nothing to fucking offer except a blowjob, and you didn’t even want that from me. Until now.”
His hurt slammed into my chest until I couldn’t tell the difference between his pain and my own. Each word shredded my heart to tiny pieces.
I wrapped my arms around him, forcing him into a hug that he didn’t return. Even when I pressed my face to his neck and got his shirt damp from my own tears, he was unmoved.
“Ashton, please believe that I love you,” I said against his ear. “Please believe me. I love you now, and I loved you then. I’m sorry for everything. Just don’t . . . don’t . . .”
“Don’t what?” he rasped. “Don’t end things?”
“It’s been so good and—”
“And it’s built on lies. All of it is built on lies.”
Ashton tried to twist away from me again, but I caught my fingers in his hair and turned his face toward me. He struggled, straining, but I managed to crush my lips against his own. I tried to pour everything into that kiss—the feelings that I was so inadequate at explaining, all of my affection and love and want. And I lost myself in his feel and taste, wondering if this would be our last kiss and trying to engrave it in my mind so I would never forget. When he gripped my shoulders and kissed me back, melting under me as if he couldn’t help the way his own body responded, I wondered if he was doing the same.
“I love you,” I whispered against his lips. “I want you. I’ve always wanted you.”
Ashton shuddered against me as I trailed kisses down his throat. “Val . . .”
I kissed up again and reclaimed his mouth, slicking our tongues together until we were both out of breath and writhing, but Ashton broke the kiss.
“I have to go,” he panted. “I can’t stay out here with you.”
“They’ll understand.”
He shook his head as his throat worked with each heavy swallow. “No. I can’t—I can’t stay out here with you. I can’t do this.”
The flame snuffed out of my desire, and I stepped away from him. “Just tell me if there’s any hope. Please?”
Ashton turned to the door. “I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore except that . . . I never should have thought you’d willingly enter my fucked-up world.”
“Ashton—”
“Good-bye, Val.”
The door closed in my face.