Jesus, yes, but no. “I do, and I give thanks for your inner strength and the love for your daughter that stops you from doing that.”

“A veteran takes his life almost hourly. Twenty-two each day. They tell us that, as if the knowledge will prevent us from choosing the same path.” From a distance they heard the town clock claim the hour and Vince tensed. “I hate that sound. It’s like a death knell, the way it marks the hour, signaling the departure of another soul who couldn’t stand it anymore.”

“It’s the passage of time, Vince. It’s a cliché but time heals, too. Look at it as a marker of your improvement because you’re still here, and even if you can’t find it at this moment, you know how much better your life has become in this past year.”

“Most times inside me, it is so dark yet I’m shown these glimpses of light. Gable is like a storm—the flash and beauty of lightning followed by a violent clap of thunder. You see it, you wonder at its brilliance, but you don’t get to hold onto it. And you, Lulah, you also bring flashes of light to me. Can you understand now, how the little thing that keeps me going was snuffed when I saw Taryn with you?”

“Yes, I do.” She stayed behind him, one hand gripping a fistful of his sweater as a physical plea to make him hold on. “I know now that it appeared disloyal. But I’m not going to turn her away from class, because she and the dog need help. He’s a lovely dog, Vince, and a good dog can be such a friend to a kid growing up. We’ll make sure you aren’t around here on training nights. Marlo is taking the class next week because we alternate.”

She felt his slow, calculated breath in the rise of his shoulders that strained the knot of his sweater within her grasp.

“Can you see what this does to me, why I’m so wrong for all of this…for you?”

“I can see that you’re dealing with something right now that’s thrown you. Tomorrow you may see it differently, or you may be able to deal with it and put it away. What happened tonight doesn’t change us. Taryn will bring Buster along for a few lessons. The bulk of which will be taught by Marlo, because I go east to do my lab work right after the auction, so that’s me away for three weeks. And once the lessons are over, that’s it. I won’t be dealing with Taryn any longer, so you can relax. But I can’t help feeling that Taryn really isn’t the issue here.”

He reached behind him and clasped the hand that held his sweater. “Let go, babe.”

As she did, he turned, still holding her hand. “You’re right, there are a lot of issues at play here. The worst being that we can’t be together. You said it yourself; I’m too unreliable. And I’m so freakin’ frightened of myself because I don’t want to push you so that we end up like me and Taryn. But I look at you, Lulah, and I feel this fucking great ache here.” He’d pulled her hand up to his chest, opening her fingers and pressing them against his heart.

The sensitivity and hurt that poured off this big, tough, tattooed guy nearly did her in, but she had to make him understand.

“My childhood was filled with broken promises and lies, but as an adult, I have control over my life; I need to know that the person I’m sharing it with is going to be there, not blow a fuse when it all becomes too hard, or they don’t have the strength to rein themselves in. I’m sorry, Vince, this isn’t an attack on you, and it’s not a reflection of what I think you are, or how you’ve behaved towards me, but as we’ve discussed, as you’re so quick to tell me, you’re not ready for a relationship. Quite honestly, a lot of the time I seriously struggle to keep things platonic.”

If Vince had caused her pain it would be tolerable. But the thing was, Vince had never broken a promise to her, never lied.

“I can’t help it if I’m hot.”

Lulah nearly choked on her laugh.

He dropped her hand and took hold of both sides of her face, smiling. “Right there, that spontaneity of yours, that honesty in the way you’re so open. I’m sorry I doubted that, Lulah. I’m sorry I thought you were messing with me, playing some sort of game. I had no right to think that about you when you’ve never given me any reason to doubt your motives. But that’s what I am right now. This thing inside me makes me so reactive. I can’t ask you to stick around in the hope that maybe one day I can drive it away. If I ask you to do that, and the darkness engulfs me instead of vanishing, I’ll destroy everything in you that is good.”

He held her face so tight her jaw ached. She reached around him so that she didn’t have to make fists of her hands. “You’re getting better. Keep working with Doc, Vince. Together you two are doing so well.”

He looked at her with that gaze she came to know so well. “You’re so beautiful.”

He was beautiful himself, though he wouldn’t believe her if she mentioned that right now, so she returned his compliment with a smile she hoped would keep him warm. He was hesitant as he leaned forward to kiss her, and he started shy, a simple brushing of their lips, but when she opened for him he scarcely paused before seizing the back of her head and pulling them together, sealing the connection of their mouths and letting his hunger take over.

Finally he released her, both of them breathless, his forehead resting on hers, his hand at the back of her neck. “Wow, I love doing that with you.”

“Me too. Sometimes I wonder why we put so much effort into depriving ourselves.”

He trailed his fingers down her arm until he reached her hand. His strong fingers entwined with hers and he gave a little tug. “Let’s walk.”

The dogs bounded ahead of them along the jetty waiting at the junction of the path for a direction cue.

They walked until the rain set in making them duck around and run back to Lulah’s SUV. They arrived breathless, laughing, pants soaked from running through puddles that were invisible in the dark, hair plastered to their faces. The dogs bounced, excited by the activity, and the late evening chance of another run. Lulah fumbled for her keys and handed them over to Vince. “You drive.”

He grabbed her hand as she passed him the keys, spun her around and pressed her against the side of the vehicle. He pushed the hair back from her forehead.

“One more kiss,” he demanded as leaned into her, sheltering her from the rain. Their tongues lashed, matching the fury of the storm, and he didn’t know where he found the strength to break the kiss, to pull away and let her into the car. “My God, you’re fantastic.” He reached around her and opened her door, settling her in her seat, before getting the dogs into the back of the SUV.

Twenty minutes later they entered the cold cabin. “Quick, you light the fire while I feed the dogs,” Lulah suggested.

The wood was already set in the hearth. Vince stacked the kindling for a better draw and lit the paper. With the kindling well alight he added larger logs and remained in a crouch, waiting to add a few pine cones. In the kitchen, Lulah filled the kettle and when he looked up, she stood at the bench, staring out into the dark night.

He went to her. She’d withdrawn a little, moving quickly, fussing.

“Can I help?”

“No, I’m good. Do you want tea?”

Fuck it, why lie? “Not really.”

She offered him a little smile, reached and flicked off the kettle switch and hitched herself onto the counter top.

“You don’t either, huh?”

She shook her head.

“What’s up?”

“Oh, you know, magical moment broken and now I’m not sure if I should go after it again.”

“We’ve talked ourselves out of this so often. And I know that now is the time when one of us is supposed to be mature, and sensible, and suggest we have tea then head off to our respective beds. But you know, all this stepping forward and stepping back has to be the worst freakin’ dance move in the world. What did you say earlier? Why do we put so much effort into depriving ourselves?”

“Yeah, that was it.”

He moved towards her, all the time their eyes locked. When he reached her, right up against her legs, he slipped his hands between her knees, parting them so that he could shift close between them. “That’s better.”

She’d stayed with his eyes. God, he loved how she did that. He cupped her chin and she made a tiny noise as she reached for him, pulling his head close and finding his mouth. His hands rested on the counter, allowing her the freedom to explore, lead the way, because he wanted her to find her own path back to the place he’d never left.

Finally she pulled away, dragging her teeth over his lip, one hand screwed through the front of his sweater. “Unicorns. There we go, magical moment restored. No going back, Vince.”

It was a statement, an affirmation, wasn’t it? “Take your sweater off.”

She offered up a saucy look as she drew the sweater up over her head, dropping it to the floor. Lulah sat there, grinning, wearing that gorgeous little scrap of lacy cloth that doubled as a bra. He slipped the narrow straps off her shoulders, baring her breasts. When she went to move he stopped her. “Let me see you.”

“Maybe I want to see you, too.”

“You’ll get your chance.” He peeled the cami off her and finally she was before him, topless, sucking the very breath out of him. “Stunning, you know that, don’t you? You’re stunning.”

“Aw, you’re just saying that.”

“Every part of me is saying that.” He leaned in so that his thighs were resting against the counter-top and pulled Lulah against him. This time it was a feel what I’ve got for you move because he wanted her to know exactly how she affected him.

When she wriggled against his hard cock, he snaked an arm around her back to support her, nudging her back into his hold. His thumb brushed across her nipples while he kept watch on her face, checking her reactions. She made that funny noise again, that small exhalation with a little grunt, and she opened her gray eyes, smiled, told him she was his without saying a word.

He lowered his mouth to the nipple he’d thumbed to a hard point and drew it into his mouth, sucking, teasing the end with his tongue. Her hunger was such that she already strained against him, clasping his head to her, arching her back. He pulled away to draw a full breath. “I recall how much you like having your nipples tormented.”

She reached to the back of his head, guiding closer, until their faces were only inches apart. “Tonight I want more.”

There was nothing cautious in the way their lips met, nor did it start as a fury of tongues and biting, but when her mouth came upon his again, her passion burned through him, stoking the fire he’d spent a year tamping down.

Finally the choke hold he’d kept on himself released and he clasped her close to him. “Wrap your legs around me. I’d like to peel your jeans and panties off and eat you here in the kitchen, so that when you stand here making tea, you can remember how you came on the counter top with my mouth on you, my fingers inside you.”

He heard her small groan.

“Yeah, you like that idea, huh?”

“Love it.”

“We’ll save that move for another day; tonight I want to take my time. Legs around me now, Lulah.” He raised her off the bench and she slid her legs around him. “Bedroom, imp?”

She nodded. “Bedroom.”

He found her lamp and in the soft light, lay her on the bed. There would be other furniture, life mementos, little touches of her, but all he knew, all he could see at that moment was Lulah on the bed. Standing over her he took a moment to compose himself, study her, pause for a bit to raise some anticipation.

“Vince, undress.”

“You first. Undo the button and zipper on your jeans.” She complied quickly, bent her legs, dug her heels into the mattress and lifted her hips to slide her jeans and panties off.

“Stop there. I’ll do it.” He’d thought too long about unwrapping Lulah with the sort of reverence a fine and exquisite gift deserved, and he knelt on the bed, loosely covered her hands with his and asked her to let go.

“I love it when you go all ‘Sergeant Major’ on me.”

“Does that mean you’ll obey my orders?”

“Depends. Tell me what will happen if I don’t?”

“I’ll punish you.” He watched her reaction. “Did you shiver when I said that?”

She sucked in her breath and let out a long sigh. “Perhaps a little shiver, Sir,” she said in a fake, starlet voice. With a quick laugh she made a grab for him but he caught her first, and holding her hands out of the way he eased her jeans and panties off her.

“Even better.”

“Better?” She cocked her head.

“Yeah, better than what I’d imagined. And believe me, Lulah, I’ve done a lot of imagining.”

“Glad I didn’t disappoint, but I’m lying here watching the fully clothed UHT Guy and I’m still having to use my imagination. Want to fix that for me?”

He let go of her hands and grasped her ankles, pulling them apart to kneel up between her legs. Towering over her, seeing her beneath him was such a feast. She dragged her lower lip through her teeth, stopping before she completely released it. The corner of her mouth curved into a small smile. He saw the tip of her tongue slowly test her bottom lip as if nursing the spot now where she’d bitten against it. “I’m waiting, Vince, let me see you.”

From here every step was uncharted territory, and in that idea was something that made him want to hang onto his composure, so that any time in the future, he could recall his first time making love with Lulah. Hell, that idea could sustain anyone into old age. In about one more minute she’d be pissy with him, and much as he’d get a kick out of Wildcat Lulah, his dick begged almost as loudly as Lulah to stop messing around.

He pulled his shirt off and dropped it to the floor behind him, watched as her eyes darted across his torso, checking his tattoos and scars. From the front, there wasn’t a lot to see, but his back read like his life’s journal. He slipped off the bed and removed his jeans and boxers and came back between her legs in an instant.

“Come here,” she said, her arms outstretched to him.

He leaned over her, took both of her hands and stretched her arms above her head. Wrapping his fingers around both wrists, he saw a spark of recognition in her eyes. He put his mouth to the corner of hers, almost touching.

“Remember what I want to do?” He waited for her nod. “Keep your hands right here, imp,” he gave them a little squeeze, “and let me take care of you.”

She grinned back at him, and when he moved in to claim her mouth she said yes, in a word, and reaffirmed it in the way she studied him and the way she slipped her tongue alongside his. Her hands above her head stretching her body taut, made her skin all the more sensitive to his touch. Skimming his hands down her ribs, over her breasts, knuckles across her hips made her back arch, begging for more.

The groan she let out when he took hold of one of her nipples was awesome and seemed to speak directly to his cock.

“I remember how you feel about these,” he said, squeezing until she screwed her eyes at the intensity. Her wrists struggled within the grip of his hand when he placed his mouth over her other nipple, starting slowly, licking and sucking it until it rose tight in his mouth before carefully closing his teeth around it. Not enough to hurt but enough to create a little edge. He moved to the other breast, repeating the process until her breath came fast and shallow.

He trailed kisses back up to her collarbone, into the dip of her throat, soothing her and slowing her down. “Shh,” he spoke up by her ear. “You’ll make yourself thirsty, breathing like that, and we have a long way to go.”

She locked into his eyes, a challenge this time as she swiped her tongue around her lips. The look became more fierce. “I want to touch you.” It wasn’t begging or growled, more a statement made with the certainty that she wouldn’t be denied.

“Soon, imp.” He squeezed her wrist again. “How’s it going here? Arms tired?”

“No, they’re fine.”

“Good because I want them to stay up there. Scoot up the bed a little.” As she moved he separated her hands and curled her fingers around the slats of the headboard. “Hands stay there, that would really please me.”

“When can I touch you?”

“Later, if you’re good.”

“I’ll make you beg for me to touch you,” she warned.

“No doubt. My cock is begging now, has begged for months.”

“If you wait too long, I might say no.”

“I’ll have to live with that.”

“You enjoy this, don’t you? This control when we’re both amped. It’s good, isn’t it?”

She was right. His pleasure was immense. The control, the denial, the way that made him feel he earned the right to be with her, to bring her to climax. Knight to queen, that’s how he felt, as if being allowed the greatest honor in the privilege it was to pleasure her. “Yes, you’re right of course. And what about you?” He kneaded her breast again. “Are you enjoying this?”

She answered him with a kiss. Wet and insatiable, her shallow breath panting in his mouth. He pulled away from her kiss, tracing with his tongue back to her ear, taking the lobe between tongue and teeth and holding, increasing the pressure, waiting for that little cry. “Did I hurt you?”

“No, I liked it.”

“Honestly? Because one of your hands let go.” He watched her latch back onto the slat. “Well done. Enough teasing now. I’m going to make you come with my mouth, first.”

“First?”

“Then, with my cock.” He reached down and parted her legs, his insistent hands on the back of her thighs as he knelt once more between them. She watched him, hungry, daring him on.

“Legs over my shoulders, imp.”