15
Villa d’Oro
•
SINGAPORE
Peik Lin knocked softly on the door. “Come in,” Rachel said.
Peik Lin entered the bedroom gingerly, holding a gold tray with a covered earthenware bowl. “Our cook made some pei daan zhook for you.”
“Please thank her for me,” Rachel said disinterestedly.
“You can stay in here as long as you want, Rachel, but you need to eat,” Peik Lin said, staring at Rachel’s gaunt face and the dark circles under her eyes, puffy from all the crying.
“I know I look like hell, Peik Lin.”
“Nothing a good facial won’t fix. Why don’t you let me whisk you away to a spa? I know a great place in Sentosa that has—”
“Thank you, but I just don’t think I’m ready yet. Maybe tomorrow?”
“Okay, tomorrow,” Peik Lin chirped. Rachel had been saying the same thing all week, but she had not left the bedroom once.
When Peik Lin left the room, Rachel took the tray and placed it against the wall next to the door. She hadn’t had an appetite for days, not since the night she had fled from Cameron Highlands. After fainting in the drawing room in front of Nick’s mother and grandmother, she had been quickly revived by the expert ministrations of Shang Su Yi’s Thai lady’s maids. As she regained consciousness, she found a cold towel being dabbed on her forehead by one maid, while the other was performing reflexology on her foot.
“No, no, please stop,” Rachel said, trying to get up.
“You mustn’t get up so quickly,” she heard Nick’s mother say.
“The girl has such a weak constitution,” she heard Nick’s grandmother mutter from across the room. Nick’s worried face appeared over her.
“Please Nick, get me out of here,” she pleaded weakly. She had never wanted to leave someplace more desperately in her life. Nick scooped her into his arms and carried her toward the door.
“You can’t leave now, Nicky! It’s too dark to drive down the mountain, lah!” Eleanor called after them.
“You should have thought of that before you decided to play God with Rachel’s life,” Nick said through clenched teeth.
As they drove down the winding road away from the lodge, Rachel said, “You don’t have to drive down the mountain tonight. Just drop me off at that town we passed through.”
“We can go anywhere you want to, Rachel. Why don’t we get off this mountain and spend the night in K.L.? We can get there by ten.”
“No, Nick. I don’t want to drive anymore. I need some time on my own. Just drop me off in town.”
Nick was silent for a moment, thinking carefully before he responded.
“What are you going to do?”
“I want to check into a motel and go to sleep, that’s all. I just want to be away from everyone.”
“I’m not sure you should be alone right now.”
“For God’s sake, Nick, I’m not some basket case, I’m not going to slit my wrists or take a million Seconals. I just need some time to think,” Rachel answered sharply.
“Let me be with you.”
“I really need to be alone, Nick.” Her eyes seemed glazed over.
Nick knew that she was in a deep state of shock—he was shocked himself, so he could scarcely imagine what she was going through. At the same time, he was racked with guilt, feeling responsible for the damage that had been done. It was his fault again. Intent on finding Rachel a tranquil haven, he had inadvertently led her right into a viper’s nest. He even pulled her hand in to be bitten. His fucking mother! Maybe one night alone would do her no harm. “There’s a little inn down in the lower valley called the Lakehouse. Why don’t I drive you there and check you into a room?”
“That’s fine,” she responded numbly.
They drove in silence for the next half hour, Nick never taking his eyes off the treacherous curves, while Rachel stared at the rush of blackness out her window. They pulled up to the Lakehouse shortly after eight. It was a charming, thatched-roof house that looked like it had been transported straight out of the Cotswolds, but Rachel was too numb to notice any of it.
After Nick had checked her into a plushly decorated bedroom, lit the logs in the stone fireplace, and kissed her goodbye, promising to return first thing in the morning, Rachel left the room and headed straight to the reception desk. “Can you please stop payment on that credit card?” she said to the night clerk. “I won’t be needing the room, but I will be needing a taxi.”
Three days after arriving at Peik Lin’s, Rachel crouched on the floor in the far corner of the bedroom and summoned the courage to call her mother in Cupertino.
“Aiyah, so many days I haven’t heard from you. You must be having such a good time!” Kerry Chu said cheerily.
“Like hell I am.”
“Why? What happened? Did you and Nick fight?” Kerry asked, worried by her daughter’s strange tone.
“I just need to know one thing, Mom: Is my father still alive?”
There was a fraction of a pause on the other end of the line. “What are you talking about, daughter? Your father died when you were a baby. You know that.”
Rachel dug her nails into the plush carpeting. “I’m going to ask you one more time: Is. My. Father. Alive?”
“I don’t understand. What have you heard?”
“Yes or no, Mom. Don’t waste my fucking time!” she spat out.
Kerry gasped at the force of Rachel’s anger. It sounded like she was in the next room. “Daughter, you need to calm down.”
“Who is Zhou Fang Min?” There. She had said it.
There was a long pause before her mother said nervously, “Daughter, you need to let me explain.”
She could feel her heart pounding in her temples. “So it’s true. He is alive.”
“Yes, but—”
“So everything you’ve told me my entire life has been a lie! A BIG FUCKING LIE!” Rachel held the phone away from her face and screamed into it, her hands shaking with rage.
“No, Rachel—”
“I’m going to hang up now, Mom.”
“No, no, don’t hang up!” Kerry pleaded.
“You’re a liar! A kidnapper! You’ve deprived me from knowing my father, my real family. How could you, Mom?”
“You don’t know what a hateful man he was. You don’t understand what I went through.”
“That’s not the point, Mom. You lied to me. About the most important thing in my life.” Rachel shuddered as she broke down in sobs.
“No, no! You don’t understand—”
“Maybe if you hadn’t kidnapped me, he wouldn’t have done all the horrible things he did. Maybe he wouldn’t be in jail now.” She looked down at her hand and realized she was pulling out tufts of the carpet.
“No, daughter. I had to save you from him, from his family.”
“I don’t know what to believe anymore, Mom. Who can I trust now? My name isn’t even real. WHAT’S MY REAL NAME?”
“I changed your name to protect you!”
“I don’t know who the fuck I am anymore.”
“You’re my daughter! My precious daughter!” Kerry cried, feeling utterly helpless standing in her kitchen in California while her daughter’s heart was breaking somewhere in Singapore.
“I need to go now, Mom.”
She hung up the phone and crawled onto the bed. She lay on her back, letting her head hang off the side. Maybe the rush of blood would stop the pounding, would end the pain.
The Goh family was just sitting down to some poh piah when Rachel entered the dining room.
“There she is!” Wye Mun called out jovially. “I told you Jane Ear would come down sooner or later.”
Peik Lin made a face at her father, while her brother Peik Wing said, “Jane Eyre was the nanny, Papa, not the woman who—”
“Ho lah, ho lah, smart aleck, you get my point,” Wye Mun said dismissively.
“Rachel, if you don’t eat something you are going to deeesappear!” Neena chided. “Will you have one poh piah?”
Rachel glanced at the lazy Susan groaning with dozens of little plates of food that seemed completely random and wondered what they were having. “Sure, Auntie Neena. I’m absolutely starving!”
“That’s what I like to hear,” Neena said. “Come, come, let me make you one.” She placed a thin wheat-flour crepe on a gold-rimmed plate and scooped a big serving of meat-and-vegetable filling onto the middle. Next she slathered some sweet hoisin sauce on one side of the crepe and reached for the little dishes, scattering plump prawns, crab meat, fried omelet, shallots, cilantro, minced garlic, chili sauce, and ground peanuts over the filling. She finished this off with another generous drizzle of sweet hoisin and deftly folded the crepe into what looked like an enormous bulging burrito.
“Nah—ziak!” Peik Lin’s mother commanded.
Rachel began inhaling her poh piah ravenously, barely tasting the jicama and Chinese sausage in the filling. It had been a week since she had eaten much of anything.
“See? Look at her smile! There is nothing in the world that good food cannot fix,” Wye Mun said, helping himself to another crepe.
Peik Lin got up from her seat and gave Rachel a big hug from behind. “It’s good to have you back,” she said, her eyes getting moist.
“Thank you. In fact, I really need to thank all of you, from the bottom of my heart, for letting me camp out here for so long,” Rachel added.
“Aiyah, I’m just so happy you’re eating again!” Neena grinned. “Now, time for mango ice-kleam sundaes!”
“Ice cream!” the Goh granddaughters screamed in delight.
“You’ve been through a lot, Rachel Chu. I’m glad we are able to help.” Wye Mun nodded. “You are welcome to stay as long as you like.”
“No, no, I’ve overstayed my welcome.” Rachel smiled sheepishly, wondering how she could have let herself hole up in their guest room for so many days.
“Have you thought about what you’re going to do?” Peik Lin asked.
“Yeah. I’m going to head back to the States. But first,” she paused, taking a deep breath, “I think I need to go to China. I’ve decided that, for better or for worse, I want to meet my father.”
The whole table went silent for a moment. “What’s the rush?” Peik Lin asked gently.
“I’m already on this side of the globe—why not meet him now?” Rachel said, trying to make it sound like it was no big deal.
“Are you going to go with Nick?” Wye Mun asked.
Rachel’s face darkened. “No, he’s the last person I want to go to China with.”
“You are going to tell him, though?” Peik Lin inquired delicately.
“I might . . . I haven’t really decided yet. I just don’t want a reenactment of Apocalypse Now. I’ll be in the middle of meeting my father for the first time and next thing you know, one of Nick’s relatives will land in the prison yard in a chopper. I’ll be glad if I never have to see another private jet, yacht, or fancy car for the rest of my life,” Rachel vehemently declared.
“Okay, Papa, cancel the NetJets membership,” Peik Wing wisecracked.
Everyone at the table laughed.
“Nick’s been calling every day, you know,” Peik Lin said.
“I’m sure he has.”
“It’s been pretty pathetic,” P.T. reported. “It was four times a day when you first got here, but he tapered off to once a day. He drove up here twice, hoping we might let him come in, but the guards told him he had to move along.”
Rachel’s heart sank. She could imagine how Nick was feeling, but at the same time, she didn’t know how to face him. He had suddenly become a reminder of everything that had gone wrong in her life.
“You should see him,” Wye Mun said gently.
“I disagree, Papa,” Peik Wing’s wife, Sheryl, piped in. “If I were Rachel, I would never want to see Nick or anyone in that evil family again. Who do those people think they are? Trying to ruin people’s lives!”
“Alamak, why make the poor boy suffer? It’s not his fault that his mother is a chao chee bye!” Neena exclaimed. The whole table exploded in laughter, except for Sheryl, who made a face as she covered her daughters’ ears.
“Hiyah, Sheryl, they’re too young to know what it means!” Neena assured her daughter-in-law.
“What does that mean?” Rachel asked.
“Rotten cunt,” P.T. whispered with relish.
“No, no, smelly rotten cunt,” Wye Mun corrected. Everyone roared again, Rachel included.
Recovering herself, Rachel sighed. “I guess I ought to see him.”
Two hours later Rachel and Nick were seated at an umbrella-shaded table by the swimming pool of Villa d’Oro, the sound of trickling gilded fountains punctuating the silence. Rachel gazed at the water ripples reflecting off the gold-and-blue mosaic tiles. She couldn’t bring herself to look at Nick. Strangely, what had been the most beautiful face in the world to her had become too painful to look at. She found herself suddenly mute, not quite knowing how to begin.
Nick swallowed nervously. “I don’t even know how to begin to ask for your forgiveness.”
“There’s nothing to forgive. You weren’t responsible for this.”
“But I am. I’ve had a lot of time to think about it. I put you in one horrendous situation after another. I’m so sorry, Rachel. I’ve been recklessly ignorant about my own family—I had no idea how crazy my mum would get. And I always thought my grandmother wanted me to be happy.”
Rachel stared at the sweaty glass of iced tea in front of her, not saying anything.
“I’m so relieved to see that you’re okay. I’ve been so worried,” Nick said.
“I’ve been well taken care of by the Gohs,” Rachel said simply.
“Yes, I met Peik Lin’s parents earlier. They’re lovely. Neena Goh demanded that I come to dinner. Not tonight, of course, but . . .”
Rachel gave the barest hint of a smile. “The woman is a feeder, and you look like you’ve lost some weight.” Actually, he looked terrible. She had never seen him like this—he looked like he had slept in his clothes, and his hair had lost its floppy sheen.
“I haven’t been eating much.”
“Your old cook at Tyersall Park hasn’t been preparing all your favorite dishes?” Rachel said a little sarcastically. She knew her pent-up anger was misdirected at Nick, but in the moment she couldn’t help herself. She realized he was as much a victim of circumstances as she was, but she wasn’t able to look past her own pain just yet.
“Actually, I’m not staying at Tyersall Park,” Nick said.
“Oh?”
“I haven’t wanted to see anyone since that night in Cameron Highlands, Rachel.”
“Are you back at the Kingsford Hotel?”
“Colin’s let me crash at his house in Sentosa Cove while he’s away on his honeymoon. He and Araminta have been very worried about you too, you know.”
“How nice of them,” she said flatly, staring out across the pool at the replica of Venus de Milo. An armless statue of a beautiful maiden fought over by collectors for centuries, even though its origins have never been verified. Maybe someone should chop off her arms too. Maybe she would feel better.
Nick reached out and placed his hand over Rachel’s. “Let’s go back to New York. Let’s go home.”
“I’ve been thinking . . . I need to go to China. I want to meet my father.”
Nick paused. “Are you sure you’re ready for that?”
“Is anyone ever ready to meet the father they never knew, who’s in a prison?”
Nick sighed. “Well, when do we leave?”
“Actually, Peik Lin is coming with me.”
“Oh,” Nick said, a little taken aback. “Can I come? I’d like to be there for you.”
“No, Nick, this is something I need to do on my own. It’s already enough that Peik Lin insisted on coming. But her father has friends in China who are helping with the red tape, so I couldn’t say no. I’ll be in and out within a couple of days, and then I’ll be ready to head back to New York.”
“Well, just let me know when you want to change the return date on our plane tickets. I’m ready to go home anytime, Rachel.”
Rachel inhaled deeply, bracing herself for what she was about to say. “Nick, I need to go back to New York . . . on my own.”
“On your own?” Nick said in surprise.
“Yes. I don’t need you to cut short your summer vacation and fly back with me.”
“No, no, I’m as sick of this place as you are! I want to go home with you!” Nick insisted.
“That’s the thing, Nick. I don’t think I can deal with that right now.”
Nick looked at her sadly. She was clearly still in a world of pain.
“And when I’m back in New York,” she continued, her voice getting shaky, “I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
“What? What do you mean?” Nick said in alarm.
“I mean exactly that. I’ll get my things out of your apartment as soon as I get back, and then when you return—”
“Rachel, you’re crazy!” Nick said, leaping out of his chair and crouching down beside her. “Why are you saying all this? I love you. I want to marry you.”
“I love you too,” Rachel cried. “But don’t you see—it’s never going to work.”
“Of course it is. Of course it is! I don’t give a damn what my family thinks—I want to be with you, Rachel.”
Rachel shook her head slowly. “It’s not just your family, Nick. It’s your friends, your childhood friends—it’s everyone on this island.”
“That’s not true, Rachel. My best friends think the world of you. Colin, Mehmet, Alistair, and there are so many friends of mine you haven’t even had the chance to meet. But that’s all beside the point. We live in New York now. Our friends are there, our life is there, and it’s been great. It will continue to be great once we’ve left all this insanity behind.”
“It’s not that simple, Nick. You probably didn’t notice it yourself, but you said ‘we live in New York now.’ But you won’t always be living in New York. You’ll be returning here someday, probably within the next few years. Don’t kid yourself—your whole family is here, your legacy is here.”
“Oh fuck all that! You know I couldn’t care less about that bullshit.”
“That’s what you say now, but don’t you see how things might change in time? Don’t you think you might start to resent me in years to come?”
“I could never resent you, Rachel. You’re the most important person in my life! You have no idea—I’ve barely slept, barely eaten—the past seven days have been absolute hell without you.”
Rachel sighed, clamping her eyes shut for a moment. “I know you’ve been in pain. I don’t want to hurt you, but I think it’s really for the best.”
“To break up? You’re not making any sense, Rachel. I know how much you’re hurting right now, but breaking up won’t make it hurt any less. Let me help you, Rachel. Let me take care of you,” Nick pleaded fervently, hair getting into his eyes.
“What if we have children? Our children will never be accepted by your family.”
“Who cares? We’ll have our own family, our own lives. None of this is significant.”
“It’s significant to me. I’ve been thinking about it endlessly, Nick. You know, at first I was so shocked to learn about my past. I was devastated by my mother’s lies, to realize that even my name wasn’t real. I felt like my whole identity had been robbed from me. But then I realized . . . none of it really matters. What is a name anyway? We Chinese are so obsessed with family names. I’m proud of my own name. I’m proud of the person I’ve become.”
“I am too,” Nick said.
“So you’ll have to understand that, as much as I love you, Nick, I don’t want to be your wife. I never want to be part of a family like yours. I can’t marry into a clan that thinks it’s too good to have me. And I don’t want my children to ever be connected to such people. I want them to grow up in a loving, nurturing home, surrounded by grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins who consider them equals. Because that’s ultimately what I have, Nick. You’ve seen it yourself, when you came home with me last Thanksgiving. You see what it’s like with my cousins. We’re competitive, we tease each other mercilessly, but at the end of the day we support each other. That’s what I want for my kids. I want them to love their family, but to feel a deeper sense of pride in who they are as individuals, Nick, not in how much money they have, what their last name is, or how many generations they go back to whatever dynasty. I’m sorry, but I’ve had enough. I’ve had enough of being around all these crazy rich Asians, all these people whose lives revolve around making money, spending money, flaunting money, comparing money, hiding money, controlling others with money, and ruining their lives over money. And if I marry you, there will be no escaping it, even if we live on the other side of the world.”
Rachel’s eyes were brimming with tears, and as much as Nick wanted to insist she was wrong, he knew nothing he could say now would convince her otherwise. In any part of the world, whether New York, Paris, or Shanghai, she was lost to him.