CHAPTER 36
Kenzie
THE PRESENT…
“Today was amazing,” I told Dane as he handed me a glass of white wine.
It seemed like the appropriate drink since we were sampling the hot tub that Dane had in the master bathroom of the suite. We probably could have hosted a Jacuzzi party since the tub was big enough for a large gathering. But I was glad to have him to myself, especially since we were both naked.
Letting the warm jets soothe my tension seemed so decadent. I was actually doing something to just relax and unwind.
It was something I wasn’t used to, but my body seemed to appreciate it.
Dane slid back into the spa with something that was probably a little stronger than my wine. “You liked the turtles?” he asked.
We’d seen so many varieties of fish that I had them confused, but I’d never forget the wonder of one of those giant turtles flying by in front of my face.
“It shocked me,” I admitted. “But in a good way. It’s the most incredible thing I’ve ever done.”
“You’ve been deprived,” he pointed out.
I shrugged. “It made me very appreciative of the fun things I do here.”
“Are you trying to say I’m jaded,” he teased.
I looked up at him, astonished by his mischievous grin. “Not jaded,” I observed. “But nothing is really new for you since you’ve done it all.”
“Not anymore. I can see everything from your eyes.”
“Oh, my God!” I said with surprise. “You actually have the most adorable dimple when you smile like that. I’ve never seen it before.”
He reached up a hand and smoothed it over his face. “I hate it,” he said.
I scooted closer to him and touched a hand to his face. “I love it,” I told him earnestly. “It makes you more approachable.”
“Okay. Then maybe I love it, too,” he answered with a bigger smile.
“You should love it. It’s so cute.”
I was surprised that I’d never seen that adorable dent on his face, but Dane had never smiled quite so broadly before. I wanted to see that mark every day of my life from now on.
“I used to get teased in high school. My buddies said I was pretty.”
I had a hard time imagining Dane as pretty, but his friends probably loved to torment him about the tiny dimple in his lower cheek. “I’m sure they were just jealous. It’s rather breathtaking when you smile.”
“That’s not exactly how I want to take your breath away,” he grumbled.
I put my wine down beside the tub and scooted closer to him. He snaked an arm around my waist and deposited me on his lap.
There was nothing I didn’t love about being close to him. He’d been right beside me all day, especially in the water. Since I couldn’t swim, he never left my side. I was a quick study since I loved the water, but even though I was wearing a life jacket, he always had a protective hand on me.
I turned and straddled him. Then I put my arms around him. “Thank you for all of this.”
“For what?”
“For bringing me to Hawaii so I could see my best friend get married. For taking me wherever I wanted to go. For gifting me the beautiful dresses, and for the most beautiful jewelry I’ve ever owned.” I knew he hated being out in public, but he seemed to get more and more comfortable with it every day.
He shrugged. “It’s not like it’s any big sacrifice.”
“It’s a big deal to me,” I said softly. “Do you know I’ve never even been in a hot tub?”
He grinned. “What’s the verdict?”
“It feels fantastic. Had I known how nice it was, I might have borrowed the one by the pool at home.”
Home? Was the island becoming home to me?
“Sorry,” I mumbled. “It’s your home.”
Dane put his drink next to mine and wrapped his arms around my waist. “It’s your home. It’s where you live. I want you to be at home there.”
Tears flooded my eyes as I looked at his earnest expression. Dane meant every word he said, and the thoughtfulness of his words were devastating to my soul.
“I’ve never really had a home,” I said tearfully. “I’ve never really belonged anywhere.”
Every lonely moment of my past was overwhelming me. I’d never really thought about it until I actually said it, but I felt like I’d always been waiting to find out exactly where I’d finally feel like I was home. That had never happened…until now.
Home wasn’t about the island or his house. It was about Dane. It felt like home because I felt like I belonged with him.
“What about when you lived with Paige?” he asked in a husky voice.
“It was good, but we hardly ever saw each other, and I knew it was going to end. I knew she’d be gone the moment she graduated. She had a future all planned out. And it didn’t include a rundown apartment in Cambridge.”
“You belong with me,” Dane stated. “You always have. I think I was always just waiting for you, Kenzie.”
He stroked his hands up and down the bare skin of my back, and I rested my head on his shoulder. “I feel that way, too,” I confessed. “Is that crazy?”
“Possibly,” he joked. “But I guess our neuroses complement each other.”
I laughed, my heart so light it could probably float away. “I guess we’ll just be a little bit nuts together.”
“Always together,” he vowed.
Thinking about a lifetime with Dane was something I couldn’t completely contemplate, and I had to be realistic. It would not last forever, but I was going to enjoy every moment I got.
We hadn’t really known each other that long. I’d fallen head-over-heels for him, but I couldn’t guarantee he was ever going to return that emotional commitment. But it was a risk I was ready to take. I’d rather give him everything than to know I hadn’t jumped into our relationship with all of my heart. My life was all about trying, and I was going to give this thing with Dane my best shot. If it didn’t work out, I’d be devastated. But if I didn’t let go of my insecurities, I’d never know what could have been.
“What happened between you and Britney?” I asked. Maybe it was none of my business, but since we were spilling secrets, I wanted to know.
“Paige told you,” he guessed.
“She did. But she doesn’t know the whole story. She doesn’t know how it happened or what you wanted.”
“It was a mistake,” he told me. “I was missing human company, and she fulfilled a need.”
“Sex?” I asked.
“Yeah.”
“Did it help?”
“Not really. It just made me realize that not just anybody would be enough to help me shake off the emptiness. I just felt more alone.”
I couldn’t imagine what it had been like for him to isolate himself. “Social isolation isn’t good for you. I’ve read articles that say it’s dangerous.”
“I know. I think I was on a slippery slope. When I didn’t go home for the holidays, I knew I was in trouble. I just didn’t know who to talk to, and I didn’t want my brothers to worry that I was losing my mind.”
“Did you think they didn’t want you?”
“Some of it was just me. I know my brothers wanted me to celebrate the holidays with them, but I was just too far into my own shell. I didn’t want to ruin anybody else’s Christmas.”
“Dane, that’s not reality. They love you.”
“I think I was losing track of what was real. I have Theo and Emilee, but I rarely see them. And I didn’t even have Picasso to talk to. I think losing him was the beginning of the downhill slide.”
“Picasso?”
“My potcake dog. It’s a mixed breed that inhabits some parts of the Caribbean. He got hit by a car when I was home for the holidays. He didn’t make it.”
“What was he like?”
“Sometimes he was a pain in the ass, but he was my pain in the ass. He was smart and would listen to me without interrupting,” he said dryly. “I got him when I moved to my island, and he was around for several years until he got killed.”
I knew that death had to have affected Dane pretty profoundly. The dog was really all he had. Maybe I’d never had a pet of my own, but losing something or someone he loved when he was so alone had to be a crushing blow.
“Have you ever thought of adopting another one?”
“No. He was unique.”
“That doesn’t mean you can’t find another one just as unique. It would never replace him, but you can have another without trying to replace him.”
“I wasn’t really open to the idea before, but I might be ready to get another dog,” he said thoughtfully.
“I think it would be nice to give another one a home.”
“Then you can pick one out this time,” he said with a little more enthusiasm.
“I’ve never had a pet,” I shared. “I like dogs, but I could never get one. I couldn’t afford it.”
“Then we’ll go look at some when we get back.”
I was worried about Dane, so I asked, “Do you feel better being out in public again? I think you’ve spent enough time in solitary confinement.”
“I can’t say I’m completely comfortable with it,” he admitted. “But yeah, I knew it needed to happen before I went bat-shit crazy on my own. I just wasn’t sure how to do it on my own. Meeting you has changed me, Kenzie. I’m more comfortable in my own skin.”
I hoped he was right. I didn’t want to force him to rejoin society, but I did want to see him happy again. He had either been depressed, or at a high risk of depression. He’d gone from an active, normal high school graduate, to complete and total isolation. There had to be psychological effects, but he seemed to be adjusting well to being out in public again. It would take time, but I swore I’d eventually see him happy, and able to go anywhere he wanted.
I’d always been a loner, but I’d had social contact at work, and I’d had roommates and a small circle of casual friends to talk to.
Dane really hadn’t had anybody except the occasional contact with Theo and Emilee.
“I think you need to spend more time with your brothers. They love you, and I know they’ve been worried about you.”
“I’m here now,” he rumbled.
“I know. I just want you to be happy.”
“I am happy, Kenzie,” he said huskily as he tightened his arms around my waist. “But I get it. Eventually, I think the isolation would have made me crazy.”
“I’m glad we’re here,” I told him as I wrapped my legs around his waist.
Dane seemed to be coming out of his shell in public, and being in the company of people he trusted was the best thing for him right now.
“Me, too,” he said, his hands moving to my rear.
I looked down into his gorgeous brown eyes, and I was lost. I saw so many shadows in there, and I wished I knew everything he’d gone through to make him so wary.
Heat flooded my body as I held his gaze. My body craved him, and it wasn’t going to settle for anything less. “Fuck me, Dane,” I said in a voice filled with longing.
“I plan on it,” he answered. Then he put a hand in my hair and pulled my mouth down to his.