Chapter Eighteen
What is wrong with me? she thought as she fast-walked down the hallway leading to her apartment.
The conference call with the Zarcarians had gone better than expected. Taio had agreed to the plan and had been cold and methodical in his dealings with them. Once the Zarcarians realized they would lose the land, they had been more than willing to meet Taio’s price.
She should have been happy and content. Not only had her idea worked but she had also gained respect from both Taio and Rasha. But instead she felt trapped and scared.
Scared of Rasha and what he expected of her now.
Rasha didn’t talk about “getting used to this” anymore. He didn’t have to. He made small talk about any and everything else. But the feeling of commitment weighed down on her just the same.
It’ll be fine. Calm down. I just need a shower.
She tried to slow her pace but couldn’t. Instead she broke out into a light jog. Finally she reached her front door and quickly scanned her hand. She hit the button to close the door behind her. Panting, she rested her back against it.
Why does he want me? She shook her head. He couldn’t really. He was surrounded by throngs of females, human and Sonian alike. All of them were beautiful compared to her. None of them carried the baggage she carried.
The plan to shower and meet Rasha for dinner was now down the drain. She made her way down the hall and kicked off her shoes as she went.
She’d never been so happy to see her bed, she thought as she crawled into it.
She curled into a ball and pulled the blanket over her head. He can do so much better than me.
And that was the only thought needed to allow the floodgates of self-doubt to open wide.
The doorbell rang. She stilled at the sound. Rasha?
She ignored it and willed him away. She’d had her fill of him for one day.
“Jess, I know you’re in there. Let me in,” Eva’s voice projected from the intercom.
“I’m not home. Go away!” she yelled back.
When she heard her door open, she pulled the blanket over her head.
“What’s going on with you?” Eva asked as she entered Jess’ room.
“Nothing.”
“Nothing? Really?”
“I’m fine. Be gone.”
“Hmm, I spoke with Rasha. He says the two of you had a wonderful time on your day trip to the ocean. He also believes the two of you are now in a relationship. Is that true?”
“I thought Ship was going to talk to you about your meddling ways.”
“What? Did you say something smart?”
Jess bit her tongue. Eva was one of the few people she didn’t want to get on the bad side of.
“Thought so,” Eva added. “Now, about you and Rasha, I think it’s about time.”
“Eva, you don’t understand. I’m damaged goods.”
“Why? Because alien scum sold you to a brothel?” The bed dipped as Eva took a seat next to her.
“Why do you insist on doing this?”
“Doing what?” Eva asked.
Jess pulled the blanket down to give Eva a scolding glance. “Stop trying to push us together. You’re right, he is a good guy. He needs someone who can give him lots of children.” Jess pulled the blanket back over her head.
“Jess, give it a try. Even if it doesn’t work out between you and Rasha, it’s still not the end of the world.”
Jess snorted. “Uh, yes it is. Earth is no more.”
“Okay, so I’m trying to help you but all I really want to do is cover your face with a pillow and put you out of your misery. Have you even asked Rasha if he wants children?”
Jess gripped the pillow. “No, but you don’t understand.”
Eva yanked the blanket from her body. “Boo-fucking-hoo, Jess,” she said with her face mere inches from Jess’. “My parents abandoned me when I was two. I spent the next fourteen years bouncing from one crappy-ass foster home to another until finally I was deemed too fucked up to get placed in any of those saintly people’s homes. I was finally sent to an orphanage where I was encouraged to petition the court for my emancipation.”
Eva looked away, disgusted. “That was so I wouldn’t continue to be a burden on the state anymore. The only person who gave a damn was my sensei, Master Lee.” Eva shook her head. “The fates didn’t even let me have him for long.” Eva peered at Jess though the slits of her eyes. “And just when I thought my life couldn’t get any more fucked up than it already had, Earth was invaded. I was prepared to fight because that’s the only thing I know how to do. Fighting was the only constant I’d known since I was born. And then finally, by the grace of God, or the Ancients, or whoever, I was given a hero.”
Eva shook her head. “I’m not saying I deserve a hero, but dammit I sure appreciate him.” Eva leaned in closer, the corners of her mouth turned up into a sneer. “You do not own the corner on having fucked-up things happen to you.”
“You’re used to failing. I’m not.”
Eva pulled back. “Oh, I get it. You’re not used to failing. Is that it? Now you don’t know how to pull yourself back together.”
Jess squinted. “Fuck you.” She rolled out the other side of the bed and stomped over to her dresser. She opened a drawer and grabbed a clean pair of pants. “I don’t have to stay here for this.” She pulled the pants on and opened another drawer for a shirt.
Eva stood and folded her arms. “Your words, not mine.”
Jess pulled out a shirt. Anger boiled her blood. Screaming, she threw the shirt at Eva. “My life wasn’t supposed to be like this!” she yelled as the shirt sailed through the air, landing a foot in front of Eva. Jess slammed her back against the dresser and cried, “My dad was the billionaire infomercial king Arthello Moore. And I’ve shamed his name. He primed me to do so much more. I was not supposed to be a whore.”
She slid down the dresser, painfully passing over the knobs of the drawers. Her eyes clouded with tears, the memories of the brothel fresh in her mind.
The smells of the room…aliens wafted around her as if she were back there…again. She landed on her butt and buried her head between her knees.
Her chest constricted. Not being able to pass enough air through her lungs made them burn.
It just hurt so bad…the pain.
She screamed out in agony about what her life had become. She pushed Eva’s hands away as Eva grabbed her shoulders.
“Don’t touch me!” Jess cried the words out. The small amount of contact seared her skin. “No matter how much I try to forget it, I can’t! I still see them, I feel them, for God’s sake, I hear them,” she cried.
“Listen to me! You’re wrong. You’re Jessica Moore. That’s it,” Eva soothed. “Let it go.”
“I can’t! You’re so right. No matter how hard I try, I can’t get past it.” Jess shook her head. “They changed me. They made me…damaged.”
Eva gathered Jess into her arms. Even as Jess fought, Eva pulled her closer. “No, you’re not. Don’t ever believe that.” Eva wiped the overflow of tears from Jess’ cheeks and began to rock her back and forth.
“My father,” Jess choked out between sobs. “He would’ve been so embarrassed.”
“Jess, you outsmarted the owners of an alien brothel. Hell, you even outsmarted a bunch of bloodthirsty space pirates. You survived. Your dad would be proud of you.”
Jess laughed hysterically. “Lies, all lies. I’m not the great escape artist everyone thinks I am. It was by pure accident.”
Eva ran a comforting hand across Jess’ hair. “It doesn’t matter how you got away. The point is that you escaped. My only wish is that Ally would accidently escape the brothel she’s being held in.” Eva cradled Jess’ head in her hands and faced her. “Everyone here is trying to make a new life for themselves. We’ve all been given a second chance. Just as you have. Why are you trying so hard to block your blessings?”
“I’m not trying to. I just can’t seem to let go. Every time I think I’ve got this thing licked, I have another setback. Maybe Kane was right. Maybe I wasn’t ready to leave the healers.”
“We have healers here. You don’t have to leave to get help. Give it time and give it a chance.”
Jess wiped the tears from her face. “I don’t know.”
“You can do this, Jess. You’re off to such a good start. I’m sure Rasha would appreciate it if you would at least try.”
She pulled away from Eva. “It won’t work out between us.”
“It could if you tried.”
She hesitated before answering. “I’ll try.”
“Good. He can’t lose you now. I’ve never seen Rasha this organized since I’ve known him.” Eva stood, giving Jess room to rise. “I’ll wait for you to get dressed.”
Jess eyed the sand that dotted her torso. “Gross. I have to get in the shower first. Go ahead, I’ll catch up.”
“Are you sure?” Eva asked.
“Yeah. Will you let Rasha know I’m running late?”
“Sure.”
Jess quickly showered, feeling better than she had in a long time. The strain of suppressing what she’d been through no longer weighed down on her.
Maybe I can have a normal life?
Halfway to the dining hall, she spotted Marcie coming her way. She would have loved to inform Marcie she had just spent the afternoon wrapped in Rasha’s arms. But it wasn’t her place. She would leave it up to Rasha to divulge the information himself.
Marcie stopped directly in front of her, blocking her path. “I’m pregnant,” she said triumphantly.
Jess caught her breath. Her mind swarmed with a barrage of questions. Words wouldn’t leave her mouth. Her legs swayed underneath her.
“Speechless? Well, you should be.” Marcie ran a hand across her abdomen. “I’m going to tell him tonight after dinner.”
“I…I’m sure he will be very happy.” Her insides clenched and churned. Every nerve in her body burned.
This is what dying feels like.
Marcie laughed. The sound grated against Jess’ eardrums. “Of course he will, you idiot. You thought you could come here and take him away from me? With Rasha by my side I won’t ever have to worry about being sold into slavery again.”
Jess backed away. Her legs swayed. She reached out for something to stabilize herself.
Marcie is pregnant.
That’s it.
I can’t compete with her.
Marcie could give him something she couldn’t. It didn’t matter if he had ever planned to have children. Now that he was going to, he would have no choice but to toss her aside for Marcie.
That’s what good guys do.
Marcie brushed by her. “I win, bitch.”