Chapter Five
I’ve had a total of ten minutes sitting here by myself, but I know that is coming to an end when I see my daughter-in-law walking in my direction, and I brace for the impact of seeing the pain in her eyes. I swear, it hurts so much I want to scream every time she looks my way. Looking into her eyes, I know my own have to look even worse.
Gidget hasn’t left my side, other than to go home and sleep, since Round died. She has been doing everything she can for me over the last few days. I haven’t had to fix my own plate, wash a dish, or even make my own bed. She’s always there to do it for me before I even realize it needs to be done. Even though I’m thankful, I am looking forward to her not being by my side tomorrow.
“How’re you holding up?” she asks, taking the now empty spot beside me.
“Okay,” I reply with a shrug.
Everyone keeps asking me the same thing. I know they’re just trying to be nice, but it takes every bit of strength I have not to scream. How in the hell do they think I’m doing? I just lost the only man I have ever loved. Every night, for the rest of my life, I’m going to go to bed alone. Even worse, I’m gonna wake up the same way.
Her eyes cut to Smoke and then down to the floor. “Are you hungry? I could fix you a plate.”
“What in the hell is going on with you and Smoke?” I ask, not bothering to answer her question.
Her eyes cut to Smoke and quickly back to me. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Lisa.”
Looking over at her, I do my best to glare her into submission. “I may have lost my husband, but I didn’t lose my eyes. You’ve been looking at him for the last hour, but every time he looks your way, you turn your head. Even though Round is gone, I’m still your mother-in-law, and I want to know what the hell is going on.”
It feels good to be able to focus on something other than Round’s death, even if that something is a squabble between Smoke and Gidget. Hell, I’d rather focus on the war between Good and Evil than think about going home to a cold bed that will never again be warm.
“You’ll always be my mother-in-law,” she states in a tight voice as she reaches out and grabs my hand. “Nothing will ever change that.”
“And you’ll always be my daughter,” I say, running my hand over my aching heart. “I don’t even need the in-law part.”
One side of her lip tips up. “You know I love you, right?”
“Just like you know I love you,” I return, giving her hand a squeeze.
Her gaze finds Smoke’s once again, and she lets out a frustrated sigh. “I’ve been terrible to Smoke, and I have no idea how to fix it.”
I’m sure she’s wrong. Gidget is a lot of things to Smoke, but terrible is not one of them. Great, wonderful, and fucking outstanding are some of the words I would choose.
“What did you do?” I ask, knowing that it can’t be as bad as she thinks.
“He lost his dad, and I’ve been more worried about myself than taking care of him.” She looks my way, tears pooling in her eyes. “I’ve been so caught up in my own pain that I haven’t been there for him. Hell, the day it happened, I completely lost it. He ended up staying awake half the night taking care of me because I kept waking up screaming.”
A part, a really fucking huge part, of me is jealous. I wish I had someone to comfort me that night or any of the nights since. Granted, Parker stayed with me the first two nights and Cam the next, but I did my best not to let either of them see me cry. Tonight will be my first time alone in the house. It took some begging to get a night to myself, and I only got everyone to agree to it after explaining I need a little time alone. To be honest, I need a little time to cry and not have to worry that someone is listening at the door.
“Did Smoke complain?” I ask, already knowing the answer.
She shakes her head, looking down to the floor. “He never said a word. I wouldn’t have even known about the nightmares happening if Trace hadn’t mentioned my screams the next morning.”
I pull in a deep breath and try to think of the right thing to say. “Did you ever think that taking care of you could be the one thing stopping Smoke from falling apart? Just maybe, being there for you is keeping him from losing his shit.”
Her eyes jerk to me. “But Round was his dad, not mine.”
“And if Round could hear you say that shit, he’d be putting you over his knee and showing you just how much of a dad he was to you.” Releasing her hand, I cup her tear-stained cheeks. “My man had two beautiful daughters. One lost her life to drugs, and the other spends her life trying to do the same.”
I have to calm my racing heart as thoughts of Cherry fill my mind. Ever since Round died, Smoke has done everything he can to get in touch with her. Of course, the last number we had has been disconnected, but he didn’t let that stop him. He called every person he knew that could have ever ran around with his sister. When that didn’t work, he sent some of the brothers out to hunt her down. They found her, but she wasn’t willing to come back with them. According to what little I overheard, her words went something like: Since I haven’t seen the bastard in the last ten years, I see no reason to go look at his body now.
Shaking off thoughts of Cherry, I focus on Gidget. “With both those beautiful girls lost to him, he felt pretty damn lucky to be able to call you his daughter.”
“Believe me, the honor was mine,” she whispers, a sob finally breaking free from somewhere deep inside her.
I pull her into my arms, running my hand slowly up and down her back. “I think it was an honor for both of you.”
She isn’t able to respond because Smoke is pulling her out of my arms. He has her off her feet a second later, whispering something in her ear. When he looks at me, I see just how close he is to losing it, so I keep my fake smile in place.
“Go take care of her,” I say, jerking my head to the hallway.
“You gonna be okay on your own?” he asks, but I can tell the last thing he wants to do is stand here and talk.
I wave my hand around the room. “I couldn’t be alone even if I wanted to.”
Lifting his chin to me, he turns and heads to the hallway. I watch them disappear from sight with one thought on my mind. I had just lied to Smoke for the very first time in my life. The sad truth is I have never been more alone in my entire life.