Chapter Six
Lettie takes the seat Gidget was just sitting in and tips her beer to her lips. She drinks it to the bottom, sets it on the table, then looks at me and grimaces. The anger in her face is so pronounced that I can’t help but laugh. The feeling of laughter is so unnatural it sends a wave of guilt right to my heart.
Laying a palm to my chest, I run small circles over my broken heart in an attempt to push the pain away. “Who pissed in your Cheerios?”
“Round,” she says, leaning back to place her head against the back of the couch. “I’m madder than hell at him right now.”
I blow out a relieved breath, glad someone else is feeling the same thing. I know it’s wrong to be angry at him. He didn’t leave me on purpose, but I’d still tear him a new asshole if he were here with me today. I’d only do so after holding him so close that it would take the jaws of life to pry us apart.
“I’m pissed, too, but I keep reminding myself this wasn’t his decision. Then I get pissed at God and start feeling guilty, so I go back to being angry at Round.” I confide in her with a shrug of my shoulders. “It’s a vicious and confusing circle.”
“I know I’m not Hoss’s one true love,” she says, changing the subject so quickly it takes a second for me to catch up.
I shrug again, unwilling to agree, even if what she says is true. “He does love you.”
Hoss made Lettie his old lady about fifteen years ago. It came as a shock to everyone but me. I had seen the heated glances pass between them too many times not to realize something was going on long before it became public knowledge. In fact, I believe it was going on long before their children got together.
Trix took it surprisingly well, considering how close she had been to her mother. Boz was okay with it, too, at first. He only voiced his objections after Lettie announced she was moving to the Satan’s Revenge clubhouse with Hoss. Then, he let everyone know how fucking pissed he was that his mom was moving away. He got over it, though. It just took a little time and a lot of loving from his woman.
“Yeah, he does,” she says, staring across the room at her old man. “I love him, too, but I’m smart enough to know the love he feels for me is only a fraction of the love he felt for Patty.”
I have no idea how to reply, so I just stay quiet. Everyone knows how much Hoss loved Trix’s mom. We also know a love like that only comes along once in a lifetime. Still, the love Lettie and he shares is a beautiful thing to see.
“I’m okay with that because I once loved someone with all my heart, too,” she states, her voice raspy with unshed tears. “The man I loved died when he took the Grim Bastards’ gavel. It was like, the minute he put on the president’s patch, he became someone else. So, by the time we buried his body, I had already long past grieved his soul.”
I’m so shocked that I reach out and grab her hand, holding it securely in mine. “I’m so sorry, honey.”
Lettie never talks about Boz’s father, not even when she’s had a few too many. It’s like she’s built a wall around his memory and is afraid the mention of his name will cause it to come tumbling down.
Her eyes are locked on mine, taking in every inch of my face. “I can’t say I know how you feel. If anyone does, they’re lying through their teeth. We all grieve differently. The only thing the same is we all feel pain. How much depends on the person. I’m guessing, for you, that pain is immeasurable right now.”
“It is,” I whisper, reaching up to press my fist against the ache in my chest.
“I don’t know if that pain will ever go away,” she states, squeezing my hand. “Even after all the women Boz’s dad slept with and all the other shit he pulled, it never went away for me. I do know that it will lessen with time. It will be more of an ache instead of a burning agony.”
“I hope you're right,” I reply, wondering if I will ever get to the point where the pain of Round’s loss is bearable.
“I promise, it will fade a bit as the years pass.” Still looking at me, she tilts her head to the side. “You look exhausted. Why don’t you go to Round’s room and get some rest?”
I move just a hair closer and whisper, “I want to go home. I need to go home, Lettie. There hasn’t been a moment’s peace in the last four days. Someone has been by my side every second of the day. I need to be alone in my home so I can have a chance to deal with this myself.”
Her eyes pinch nearly shut as she asks, “Why don’t you go home then?”
“I’m afraid that, if I try to leave, someone will follow me. I made all the kids and grandkids promise to give me a little time to myself tonight, but I’m afraid they’ll back out of that promise as soon as I try to leave.”
Her eyes quickly scan the room and come back to me. “My purse is in Boz’s room. Let me grab my keys out of it, and you can take my car. I’ll drop yours off at the house before Hoss and I head home tonight.”
I pick up the leather pouch that holds a piece of each brother’s cut, along with my purse that someone set beside the couch, stand up with her, and follow her through the common room. “Are you sure?”
“Of course, I am,” she replies, heading straight to Boz’s room. “You’ve been one of my best friends for the last twenty years or more. If you want peace and quiet, that is what you’re gonna get.”
“Thank you,” I say, taking the keys from her after she fishes them out of her purse.
We’re quiet as we walk to the back of the clubhouse and sneak out the kitchen door. As she leads me to where her car is parked, I point to where mine is sitting near a row of bikes in the front.
“Hoss says we’re not gonna stay too late. Still, you’ll probably be asleep by the time I drop off your car. So, just put my keys under the driver’s side mat, and I’ll do the same with yours,” she says while pulling me into her arms and giving me a tight hug. “I better hear from you in a day or two.”
“You will,” I reply, hugging her back every bit as tight.
I quickly get in the car and start the engine, wanting to get out of sight before anyone has a chance to stop me. As I drive through the gate, I get a feeling this may be the last time I ever visit the Grim Bastards’ clubhouse. Why should I without Round by my side?