CHAPTER THIRTY
JORDAN SAT IN the dark in his living room staring at the blank television screen that hung on the wall. It’d been over two hours since he’d left Brantley’s, and he wondered just how long he’d be able to sit there without food, water, or the need to physically get up. As it was, curling up into a ball and never leaving that spot again seemed like a really great idea.
When he’d arrived home, he’d immediately sent off an email to the project manager of the Pearson Project and told her to put on hold all future planned meetings, website implementation, and, well, anything at all, really, and he would get back to her sometime…this year, maybe? Jordan thought as he shut his eyes and fell to his side on the couch.
How could he have been so thoughtless? So careless in his single-minded focus that he hadn’t thought about the way Derek’s name on the marquee might upset him. He’d stupidly thought of it as a way to celebrate him, and all that he’d overcome. He’d never imagined this reaction—
The familiar sound of his phone ringing from the coffee table had him sitting up and grabbing for the device that was vibrating around the glass top. As soon as he saw He-Man on the display, he was swiping his finger across the screen to answer it. “Derek?”
“Can you come downstairs?”
Jordan shot to his feet and looked toward the elevator. “You’re here?”
“Yes.”
“Oh, and you don’t want to come up?”
“No. I need you to come down.”
Derek sounded odd. He didn’t sound angry, but more…distant. Jordan picked up his wallet and keys and slipped into his loafers, all the while holding the phone to his ear. “Are you okay?”
“No.”
“Derek, I’m—”
“Jordan, no. Just come down here, okay?”
The elevator door opened, and when Jordan stepped inside, he said, “I’m on my way.”
“I’ll be waiting.”
As the call ended and the elevator started its descent, Jordan had never felt more nervous about anything in his life, including his first day of teaching. Was this to be the day where Derek told him to get out of his life for good? The thought physically hurt, so he shoved it aside, refusing to believe what they had would end this way.
When the elevator came to a stop and the door opened to reveal Derek standing there waiting, Jordan took the steps he needed to reach him, and Derek met him halfway, pulling him into his arms. He had no idea what was going on, but Jordan could feel Derek’s entire body shuddering as he wrapped his arms around his waist.
He automatically smoothed his hand up Derek’s back, and after what felt like hours instead of minutes, Jordan asked, “What is it? You can tell me anything. Even if I won’t like it.”
Derek took a step back and looked down, and Jordan knew that expression. This wasn’t about what had happened between them. Something else, even bigger than that, was swimming in Derek’s eyes, and with three words he confirmed it.
“It’s my father.”
* * *
JORDAN HELD ON to the “oh shit bar” as Derek zipped them through the quiet night streets of Sunset Cove as though he were on a racing track going for first place. As soon as he’d told Jordan what had happened, Jordan hadn’t hesitated to go with him to the hospital. Now there he was, fifteen minutes later, buckled into the passenger seat of a Jeep with a man who earlier that night he hadn’t been sure he would see again.
Derek hadn’t said much of anything since he’d picked him up, but as Jordan sat there and looked at the hands he was wringing around the steering wheel, he wanted to reach out, touch him in some way.
Not sure how he would react, though, Jordan kept his hands in his lap and waited for some kind of direction as to what Derek wanted from him in that moment. It wasn’t until they pulled up at a red light and Derek turned to look at him that Jordan saw the silent thank you in his eyes. That was when he decided to hell with what may or may not happen, and reached across to the steering wheel to place a hand over the white knuckles there. Derek let go and brought their hands down to the center console, where Jordan entwined their fingers.
Yes, he thought as he closed his eyes. While they may not be in the perfect place right then, wherever they were, they were there together.
The light switched to green and Derek looked away and put his foot on the gas, but the rest of the way he kept the connection between them, and when they got to the hospital and had to let go to get out of the car, he didn’t waste a second in reconnecting once he rounded the hood to stop by Jordan’s side.
As they headed up the walkway to the double doors, Derek pulled him to the side for a moment and touched his fingers to Jordan’s cheek. Jordan thought he was going to ask him to wait outside, given the way his father and brother were, but all Derek did was lower his head and brush a whisper-soft kiss across his lips.
There was such emotion in the gentle gesture that Jordan’s eyes blurred and he blinked back the tears threatening. Then Derek moved his face to the side of his so their cheeks were touching and whispered, “I love you.”
And before Jordan had a chance to respond, Derek had moved away from him, tightened his hold on his fingers, and was walking them toward the double doors.
* * *
AS DEREK STOOD by the elevator banks with his hand firmly inside Jordan’s, he shut his eyes and allowed himself to savor the simple beauty of that moment. Jordan standing beside him in a public place with his fingers wrapped around his. In amongst all of the chaos and all of the ugly, Jordan was, as always, there for him. His rock. His everything.
All that he was, and all that he could be, he owed to the belief that this man had had in him, the respect that Jordan had shown and taught him from the very beginning, and it was then that Derek really got it. He really understood what Jordan had been telling him since that first day.
He tightened his grip on Jordan’s fingers and looked down at him. There were questions in Jordan’s eyes, ones Derek knew he would have to answer, but right now, he wanted this moment of simplicity. This moment of standing side by side in a sad hospital hallway, knowing that he would never again stand alone.
As the elevator dinged and they stepped inside, he pulled Jordan closer to him, and Jordan brought his other hand over to place it on top of their joined ones.
“You okay?” he asked.
Derek nodded. “Yeah.”
“If you need anything—”
“You’re here,” he said, and Jordan fell silent, but his eyes were saying everything Derek was feeling. “That’s all I’ve ever needed.”
The elevator hit the floor his brother had texted him, and when they stepped off, Derek spotted Alan standing over by the entrance to the wing his father had been admitted to.
He pulled Jordan to a stop and thought he should give him the choice of what he was about to encounter, because while it was his family and he was used to their bullshit and asshole tendencies, he didn’t want to subject Jordan to that unless he knew what he was walking into.
* * *
“HEY,” DEREK SAID as he squeezed Jordan’s fingers.
“Hey.” He returned the half-smile Derek was aiming his way.
“I wanted to give you the option to wait back here if you want to.”
Derek looked over his shoulder to where someone was leaning against the wall watching them. He then turned back to face him, and Jordan asked, “Would you like me to wait here?”
“No,” Derek said. “It’s just…even though I come from the same household as these two, we are very different men.”
“Derek,” Jordan said as he touched Derek’s arm. “I know that. I know that whatever they do or say is not you or in any way a reflection of you.”
“I know, it’s just—”
“Derek,” he said again, and took a step toward him. “I’m not here to judge you. I’m here to support you. I love you.”
As the words hung between them, Jordan noticed Derek’s frown tip up into a small smile. He looked…bashful.
“I like how that sounds.”
Jordan’s heart raced at that as he asked, “Still? Even though—”
Derek put a finger to his lips and nodded. “Even though. Say it again.”
“I love you.”
When Derek’s smile widened, Jordan cupped his cheek and confessed with a grin, “I think I have since you took your sunglasses off and, without a word, dared me to fuck with you.”
Derek’s eyes roved over his face, and Jordan raised his head to press a kiss to his lips. “I am more than aware of where you come from, Derek Pearson. I know exactly who I love. Being confronted with that doesn’t scare me, and it won’t make me love you any less to see it firsthand. If anything, it makes me love you more to see what you have overcome to be the man you are today. So if you think it would be easier if I waited over here, then I’ll wait here. But if you want me by your side, if you want my hand in yours, then I will stand there and be in that moment with you. No matter how fucking uncomfortable it might make anyone else.”
When Jordan finished talking, Derek took his face between his hands and kissed him so hard that Jordan swore his ears rang. Then Derek recaptured his hand and tugged him along.
When they reached Alan and he took a look at the both of them, Derek pulled Jordan to his side and spoke before his brother had a chance to.
“Say one fucking thing I don’t like and you can do this next part all on your own. This is your chance to be a better man than the one in that room lucky that his sons turned up today. So take advantage of this moment. Alan, this is Jordan, my boyfriend.”
Alan looked at him, and Jordan noted the bored and somewhat unimpressed look on his face. He was a skinny guy, not much taller than himself, and his coloring was the same as Derek’s, as far as his hair and eyes went. But that was where the similarities ended. There was no warmth in those eyes. There actually wasn’t much of anything. And Jordan thought it sad that this man had missed out on knowing someone as wonderful as Derek due to his ignorant upbringing.
Alan then shrugged and turned back to Derek. “Yeah, okay. I don’t give a shit who you’re fucking.”
“Well, nice to meet you too,” Jordan muttered. “I see candor runs strong through the Pearson household.”
Alan frowned, and Jordan wondered if he’d say more, but instead he focused on Derek, obviously deciding he was an easier issue to tackle than the strange guy holding his brother’s hand.
“He’s been asking for you.”
“Why?” Derek said, and to Jordan he sounded as though he couldn’t have cared less as to the answer.
“I dunno. Just keeps asking where you are.”
Derek shook his head. “Doesn’t make any sense, but okay. What room?”
Alan gave them the room number and they headed down the hall. When they reached the door, Derek stopped, and Jordan stepped around in front of him so he could look into his eyes.
“Hey. You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”
“No,” Derek said with a grim look on his face. “I need to.”
“It’s going to be okay. Once you’re done, come back out here, and I’ll be waiting. I promise.”
Derek nodded and took a deep breath. As he let go of his hand, Jordan felt as though he were sending a lamb to the slaughter, but at the same time he knew that Derek had to face this if he was ever going to break free from the monster that lay in wait and have a hope of moving on with his life.
* * *
DEREK STEPPED INTO the hospital room and looked around the stark white walls. On one side was a whiteboard with the nurse’s name and the date, but other than that there was nothing. It was a true testament to the fact that this miserable bastard hadn’t loved anyone in his life but himself.
As Derek walked farther into the room, he noted how frail his father looked, even in comparison to when he’d seen him just a couple of days ago. He waited for the pain to hit him, the sadness over the fact that his father was the one lying in that hospital bed likely hours away from his lungs giving out.
He stopped at the foot of the bed and shoved his hands into his pockets as he looked down at the figure attached to several IVs and who had a nasal cannula valiantly trying to help him breathe—yeah, good luck there—and all he saw was a sad figure of a man who’d terrorized him his entire life.
Thinking that coming here had been a terrible mistake, Derek was about to turn around and leave without bothering to speak, but before he got the opportunity, his father opened his eyes, and Derek immediately found his feet frozen in place.
“I was wonderin’ if you’d show.”
“You were smart to wonder. It’s not like you deserve anyone standing here, especially me.”
His father pulled the tubes out of his nose and coughed. “Yet ’ere you are.”
Derek walked around the bed, trying to work that out himself. Why had he felt compelled to see him one last time? He had nothing to feel guilty over if he let him rot away all on his own. So why had it seemed imperative that he be there?
As he got closer, his father’s eyes followed him.
“I heard you asked for me,” Derek said when he was by the side of the bed. “Well, here I am.”
His father’s eyes tracked over him, and then his dry lips stretched into a smile ripe with malicious intent. “I just wanted to prove to myself that I was right.”
Derek narrowed his eyes as his dad started to laugh and then sputter. “And I was. Showin’ up to watch your dear old father die. Hoping that maybe he’ll reach out a hand and tell you that he loved you all along. Sorry to disappoint, but I just wanted to prove I was right. You’re still a fucking pussy.”
Derek stared down at the man looking up at him with such hatred, and knew right then exactly the reason he was there.
It wasn’t to say goodbye. And it wasn’t to assuage some misguided sense of guilt he would harbor. No, it was for neither of those two reasons.
“I’m not here hoping you’ll tell me that you love me,” Derek said. “It would be more traumatizing to know that someone like you did love me. I’m here to tell you that you lost. For years you’ve tried to break me. To hurt me, and you did, physically. But you know what? I wasn’t lying when I told you that you no longer have the power. Because when I walk out that door today, I will no longer waste my time thinking about you.”
Derek leaned down and braced a hand on the rail of the bed so it looked as though he was hugging his father, but instead he said in his ear, “I’m happy. I’m in love with a wonderful man, and I hope you rot in hell for every evil fucking thing you did to me. Have a nice life, Dad. However long you have left of it. I’m going to go and enjoy mine knowing that what I just told you will eat away at you until you take your final breath.”
Then, without sparing his father a final glance, Derek straightened and walked out the door to deliver on his final promise to a dying man.