Sasha

 

I asked Zane to drop me off at the hospital, instead of at home; while he went to do whatever errands he had to run. I promised him that I’d wait for him to get there before I told my mom about our engagement, though, which was going to take more self-restraint than I likely had. I told my mom everything; how was I supposed to keep from telling her the best thing that had ever happened to me in my entire life?

 

For once, the sterile smell of the hospital, and the unearthly quiet of the cancer ward, didn’t send me into a spin of panic. It was something I’d never admitted to my mom. Or to anyone, come to think of it. I was terrified of hospitals. I had a visceral reaction each time I was in one, ranging anywhere from a bit of nausea to a full on panic attack. It wasn’t the hospital’s fault that my mom was sick, but being in them got worse and worse the more times she went.

 

Today was fine. I could have skipped all the way to her room, except that would have been highly inappropriate considering both my age and surroundings. I held back to a bouncy walk instead, smiling at the nurses I passed in the hall. Most of them looked too worn out to return my grin, but a couple reciprocated.

 

Mom’s room was still filled with flowers. They perfumed the air, making me forget that this was a hospital room in the first place. It seemed like a luxury hotel, and I imagined that my mom was a Broadway star who’d just done a brilliant performance. Some mysterious fan had sent dozens of roses to her, and we had puzzled over the mystery of who he was for many hours. This fantasy would have been necessary to me before, a way to keep myself grounded when all I wanted to do was cry and retch. But now it was just a sweet fantasy, one that I didn’t exactly need.

 

“You’re looking awfully cheerful,” Mom commented from the bed.

 

I strolled over to her, leaning down to embrace her. She smelled more sterile than I would have preferred. I’d never figured out at what point exactly she started to smell more like the hospital than herself. That was going to be one of my games, at one point, but it had seemed too sad. Hopefully, I would never find out the answer.

 

“I’ve had a good day is all. And why shouldn’t I?” I pulled over the chair next to her bed until it was near where her upper body was propped against the pillows. “We’ve got the money to get you better. That’s all I want in the world.”

 

It was true. If I had to choose between my mom and Zane, I would choose her every time. But I didn’t have to choose—I got both. Which made me impossibly happy.

 

“Well, when you put it like that,” she said, returning my smile. It didn’t reach her eyes, though. I could only imagine the thoughts whirling around her head. I’d never been as sick as she had before. I’d never experienced the horror of watching your life slowly drain away. Sitting by had been no party, but my experience had only afforded me the tiniest of views into what her life must have been like.

 

“What’s wrong, Mom?”

 

She sighed, reaching for my hand. Hers were cool and soft, as they always were. At least that hadn’t changed. “I’m just worried,” she said. “Suddenly having the money to get this lifesaving surgery...it just seems too good to be true, you know?”

 

I furrowed my brow. “Do you think Zane’s lying?”

 

She shook her head. “No! No, nothing like that. All I mean is that I’ve been fighting this for so long. The thought of it being over—really being over—seems so far from my grasp that I don’t even know what it feels like. I don’t know how to be happy about this.”

 

My heart sank. She was losing hope. I had worried this might happen if she got sick again, especially if it was as serious as it was this time. “Mom, it’s going to work. You’re going to get better.”

 

She squeezed my hand, giving me a reassuring smile that was almost condescending. “I want to believe that. I guess we just have to wait and see how the surgery goes.”

 

“I guess so,” I agreed. “But I truly believe things are going to work out for us. They have to.”

 

I wanted so badly to tell her about my news. If she knew, it would definitely raise her spirits. But I promised Zane I would wait. I realized, then, that my mom didn’t know very much about Zane. Or about what we’d been through together. I’d been so caught up in her hospitalization that I hadn’t even updated her on Asa.

 

“Zane’s ex-girlfriend committed herself to a mental health facility,” I blurted.

 

If the abrupt change of topic startled her, she didn’t show it. “That’s good news.” She gave my hand another squeeze. “You must be thrilled!”

 

I snorted and gave her a flat look. “Mom! A woman is having a breakdown. Of course I’m not thrilled.”

 

She sighed and sat back further against the pillows. “Of course. I don’t know where all your empathy came from. Certainly not from me.” There was a mischievous glint in her eye. “Though my mom was a bit of an empath. She used to cry anytime she saw someone else cry. It was quite off-putting.”

 

I gave my mom an extra-light smack on the arm. “Poor Grams. She’d be so upset to hear you talking about her like that.”

 

Mom laughed. “Yeah, she’d probably cry about it.”

 

I couldn’t help the smile that crept up my face. “I’m not as bad as Grams, Mom. I just understand people a bit better than most.” I shrugged. “Certainly not going to cry over Asa.”

 

“Good. Cause that girl was a bitch.”

 

“Mom!”

 

We descended into fits of laughter and spent the next hour in a similar fashion. We exchanged funny stories; me about Zane’s club, and Mom about the other people in the hospital. One of the doctors, she said, was exceptionally good looking. She called him Doctor Danger because he had a motorcycle. It made me laugh, considering the kind of dangers I had been through with Zane over the past few days. If she knew the full extent of them, I doubted she would think danger was so amusing.

 

Zane showed up just as we were giggling about a flirty comment Mom had made to Doctor Danger that had made him blush. At first, neither of us even realized Zane was there. I hadn’t been so absorbed in a conversation with my mom in weeks, maybe months. I wondered if it had been because of me that we hadn’t been like this. I supposed I’d been so stressed out with my degree and my thesis that I must have neglected her. I remembered Asa’s regrets with Graham, and I vowed not to let any of those seep into my life. I would have no regrets if anything ever did happen to my mom. But it wouldn’t be for a long, long time.

 

“You two look like you’re having a fun time, “ Zane said, sliding up behind me. His hands reached out to massage my shoulders. If this was what married life was like, I could get used to it.

 

“Just having girl chats,” Mom said.
The look of weariness from earlier had passed from her face. Who knew all it took was a little girl chat? I wondered how she would look after we told her the big news.

 

“Congrats on the big win. I’m not sure I got to tell you properly earlier.”

 

He squeezed my shoulders, and I was sure he was smiling. “Thank you. I’m just happy that I can help get you better.”

 

I opened my mouth to begin to gush about the news, but Zane thrust a piece of paper in front of my face before I could. I was amazed that I’d held off from saying anything for so long. Now, telling my mom about the wedding was the last thing on my mind.

 

“What is it?” she asked.

 

I grasped the paper between shaky hands and craned my neck to look back at Zane. His sapphire eyes seemed lit from the back, both from mischief and from happiness. I looked back at my mom, blinking.

 

“You know Edward, my advisor?” I asked.

 

“The creepy one?” she asked.

 

I choked on a laugh. “One and the same.”

 

“What about him?” She looked concerned. I considered skipping to the end of the story to spare her the emotional rollercoaster, but it seemed to me that the story deserved to be told. Zane deserved the story to be told.

 

“Well, he went a bit nutso after he found out Zane and I were a thing. And then he told me that he wasn’t going to write a letter of recommendation for me.”

 

Mom gasped. “That asshole! How could he do such a thing?”

 

I let out a bitter laugh. “Because he’s got that kind of power. I’m just a nobody grad student. He’s an internationally recognized professor. Nobody would have given me a second glance if I’d tried to rebuke it.”

 

“Well, what are you going to do? Surely you have to do something?”

 

I passed the paper over to my mom, saying, “It looks like somebody already has done something.”

 

I watched her face as she read what was an absolutely glowing letter of recommendation. Surely, with that piece of paper I’d be able to get into any school I set my heart on. I couldn’t wish for a better set of circumstances.

 

“How?” Mom asked, raising her bent head. She looked from me to Zane. “How?”

 

He squeezed my shoulders again and leaned down to kiss the top of my head. “Eddie and I had a little chat. He realized the error of his ways and decided he would write a good letter to make up for his offenses.”

 

My mom clearly understood, as well as I did, what had happened between Zane and Edward. Neither of us cared. He could have lit the man on fire, for all I cared. Anyway, his knuckles weren’t bruised so he couldn’t have roughed him up that much.

 

“Well, I am thrilled to hear it,” Mom said. “I’m glad someone’s looking out for my baby.”

 

“Always.” He pressed another kiss to my head. “But it’s you we need to take care of.”

 

She chuckled, setting the letter down on her side table. “In that case, it looks like I’m in the right place for it.” She gestured to her surroundings with a noticeable lack of enthusiasm.

 

I took her hand, my heart breaking again. I hated seeing her so cooped up in here. She needed to be at home, with the people who loved her. All I wanted was for this to be over as soon as possible.

 

“We’re going to get you that treatment, and you’re going to be okay,” I said, kissing her hand.

 

Zane came around the side of me, sliding onto the edge of my mom’s bedside. He placed his hand over mine, still clasped around hers. “We’re going to get you better so you can be healthy as a horse at your daughter’s wedding.”

 

I don’t think it had really sunk in yet. I was getting married. To Zane. He was so perfect, in every single way. He lit me up inside like a firework, and he was the only one capable of then sending me zooming off into the night. I loved him. I loved him so much it hurt. And I was going to be his wife.

 

I don’t know which of us started crying first. Out of Mom and I, I mean. Of course, Zane didn’t cry. He couldn’t have looked happier as he rubbed our backs. We blubbered like little school girls who had been hit on the playground, trying to get words out but just not quite able to.

 

“Married?” was my mom’s high-pitched question.

 

I was only able to nod furiously, leaping forward to embrace her across the bed. Zane’s arms circled us, pulling us in even tighter together. We cried until we laughed, then laughed until we cried. It was a cycle I could have happily gotten stuck in forever. And forever is an awfully long time.