The minute the twins left I sat down on the bed of the motel room, putting my face in my hands and trying to take a few deep breaths. I needed to calm myself down—hearing Eric tell me that he loved me had caught me off guard and put a lump in my throat that I would have choked on if I had responded. I waited like that for a long time until they came back with my grandmother and my things. I opened the door and helped her to the bed, then watched as Julian and Eric put my suitcases in the corner of the small room. I didn’t know how I was going to share it with my grandma and all of her things but I knew that I had to find a way—there was nowhere else for me to go, as far as I was concerned, and Eric and Julian were going back to Washington.

They stood there in the doorway for a minute before they left without a word, and I sank into my grandmother’s shoulder, my body shaking with the sobs that I had been holding back. My grandma wrapped her arms around me, kissed my forehead and tried to calm me down. After a few moments beyond my control, I managed to relax, looking at her through my tear-rimmed eyes.

“I love them,” I said to her.

“Tell me what happened,” she said, her voice patient and kind. But I was afraid to tell her, afraid that she would judge me. Lola had only confirmed what I knew—that what I had done with Eric and Julian had been wrong, strange and unnatural. Especially since it was with them both at the same time.

“Tell me,” she said again, with a little more firmness to her tone, though I knew she was just trying to coax me to open up to her.

“Eric and Julian—I got close with them both,” I said, not looking at her. I hoped she wouldn’t read the details on my face.

“And what’s wrong with that?” she asked. I looked at her then, my eyes full of questions.

“Everything is wrong with that,” I said to her, sighing. She stroked my hair back from my face, kissing my forehead again.

“It’s going to be okay,” she said, her voice soft and gentle as it always had been. I wished that she could say more to me, that I could give her more detail so that she could make everything better again. I felt dirty and ashamed of what I had done, and I couldn’t share that with my grandmother.

I fell asleep there with her, though it was early afternoon and we had things to do. When I woke up, I tried to start the day by going out to get us something to eat. I knew that this situation couldn’t be long-term—I couldn’t properly care for my grandmother in one room with no accessibility for her to get around. I didn’t know what I was going to do—I would have to work, of course, but then I didn’t know who would be around to take care of my grandmother.

I tried not to think about it, instead going through the day like normal until my phone rang a little later. I picked it up to see that it was Xavier and my heart fluttered, though it was more out of disappointment than excitement. I had been half-hoping that it would be one of the twins, that they had changed their minds and decided to stay or convince me to take me with them. I had enjoyed my time with Xavier before Julian had ruined it though and I did like his company, though it wasn’t the same way I felt when I was with either Eric or Julian.

“Hi, Xavier,” I said, going outside and shutting the door behind me. I leaned back against it, gazing over the nearly empty parking lot of the motel.

“Hi, babe,” he said. I smiled at the nickname. If there was one thing to be said for Xavier, he was fast, but I found it charming the way that he wanted to sweep me off of my feet. I looked around bleakly at my surroundings now, knowing there was no way that I was going to be able to have him come pick me up here. It would make him ask questions—questions that I was ashamed to answer about my current situation. I had always known that one day Lola would throw me and my grandmother out but I had expected to be more prepared than this.

“How are you?” I asked him.

“I miss you,” he said. “I’ve been thinking about you all day.”

“Oh,” I said, chewing on my lip. “I, uh—I had a really great time on our date last night. I’m sorry again about Julian.”

“I don’t blame you for that. Julian’s always been like that—he’s kind of dumb and apish.”

I gritted my teeth, but didn’t say anything to defend Julian. I wanted to, but I knew that I had to distance myself from the twins altogether in order to maintain some sort of reputation with Xavier. I had been lucky that I had been too shocked to kiss Julian back in the bar, so it hadn’t looked like I was as interested in him as he clearly was in me.

“Did you want to see me again?” I asked him.

“Yes,” he said immediately. “And I know where you are already. I’m heading over now.”

“You know where I am?” I asked, confused as I looked around.

“Your phone,” he said. “It’s hooked up to mine. That’s how I found you in the first place. I’ll be there in a minute.”

“No, Xavier—”

But he hung up before I could stop him, before I could tell him not to come. I felt panicked almost, wondering how it was possible to play off the fact that I was staying here with my grandmother. I could tell him that my car broke down, pretend that my grandma wasn’t inside, that I was just here by coincidence. I thought even of tossing my phone, locking myself in the room and telling him that I’d lost it if I ever saw him again. In the end, I decided that there was nothing that I could do. I sighed and went back inside the room, tossing my phone on the bed.

“Xavier is coming here,” I said to my grandma.

“That handsome young man you told me about?”

I nodded, frowning. I glanced at myself in the mirror to see that I look frazzled and unkempt. Quickly, I disappeared into the small bathroom and did what I could to fix my appearance. I threw on some makeup at expert speed, doing little to hide the fact that I looked as exhausted as if I hadn’t slept in days.

“Why is he coming here?” she asked when I went back into the bedroom. I changed into a dress, something simple that I hoped he wouldn’t hate, and looked at myself in the mirror again. I felt self-conscious and stupid; Xavier was so wealthy, so used to having everything, and now he was going to meet me at a cheap motel and would know that I had no money, nothing to offer him.

There was a knock at the door then and I took a deep breath, turning around to answer it. Xavier was on the other side with flowers, peering with distaste around the small room. His eyes settled on my grandmother and he gave her a bright, charming smile.

“Hello, Ella,” he said, wrapping his arms around me then, pulling me in for a kiss that I couldn’t seem to return. “Is this—is this where you’re staying?”

“Yes,” I said to him, looking away from his face. A wave of humiliation washed over me at the confession. He put his hand to my chin, tilting my face upward to look at him.

“We’re gonna get you out of here,” he said. “Get your things.”

“What?” I asked, looking at him with my eyebrows raised.

“You can come stay with me. Both of you. I have plenty of room.”

“Xavier, we just met—”

He took my face in his hands and held my eye then, kissing me softly on the lips. “I know we just met, Ella, but I’m crazy about you. I want to take care of you.”

I stared at him, studying his features. He was so handsome, so charming and kind. I didn’t want to depend on the help of anybody but in this case it was starting to feel like I had no choice—I didn’t know how many days my grandmother and I could hold out in the small motel room but I knew that those days were limited.

“Okay,” I said, though a large part of me hated it. Most of me knew that my grandmother was the priority, and she deserved better care than I could give her in a cheap, dirty motel room. I sighed when he smiled and wrapped me in his arms, looking over at my grandmother.

“Hello,” he said to her.

“Hi, I’m—”

“Are you ready to go?” he asked me. “It looks like you have most of your things packed.”

I looked at my grandma, whose voice was soft, but not so soft that he couldn’t have heard her. I knew he must have cut her off by accident.

“I just have to throw some stuff together. We’ll meet you in the car.”

“Good,” he said and turned around to leave without offering to carry anything or help me out. My grandmother’s eyes were on my face as I turned to throw what little stuff I had taken out back into my bags.

“Ella,” she said. “Is this a good idea? Is he a good man?”

“He’s a good man, Grandma,” I told her. “He’s kind to me. He wants to take care of us, and I know he has the money.”

“Okay, sweetheart,” she said, although she didn’t look fully convinced. I hoped that Xavier would grow on her, that she would see in him what I saw in him—he was gentle and safe to be with, unlike the twins. Someone I could see myself having a future with.

I finished packing, then carried my things outside to the car before going back to wheel my grandmother out. Xavier watched as I packed his trunk with our things and then helped my grandmother into the backseat, folding up her wheelchair and putting it beside her. He was in the driver’s seat by the time I got in the car and looked almost impatient when he looked over at me.

“You ready?” he asked. I smiled at him and nodded. He smiled back, and I was relieved that we hadn’t annoyed him too much with the burden of having to so delicately move my grandmother.

It wasn’t much later that we pulled up at Xavier’s house, which was also in the country. I looked up at it in wonder. It was enormous—tall and imposing, a gothic structure that looked like it belonged in medieval Europe. I stared at it as we pulled up and got out of the car. I felt Xavier’s eyes on my face as I helped my grandmother out of the backseat and into her wheelchair.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” he said, though beautiful wasn’t the word I would use to describe the place. It was almost haunting, even from the outside, and I shivered to think what it would be like once we got inside the doors. The place felt the opposite of home when I looked at it, but I swallowed my anxiety and nervousness and forced a smile as I followed him up the walk and to the front door. He helped me pull my grandmother’s wheelchair up the steps and into the house, and I looked around with the same amount of awe as I had when I’d been outside. The place inside was sterile and sharp, all angles, nothing soft or warm or welcoming. The wood was ash-colored, cold, and almost everything in the place was decorated in white or silver.

I felt Xavier’s hand on my waist as he led me through the hallway to what was obviously a guest bedroom, one that was sparse and practical with little natural light.

“This is where your grandmother will stay,” he said, without looking at or addressing her. I glanced out of the window to see that there was no view save for a patch of spare lawn outside. I was about to open my mouth to argue but he was smiling so kindly I thought that it would be rude to be particular, at least at first. So I nodded and he left while I set grandma up in her room.

“I’ll come back and bring you dinner,” I told her. She stared at me for a long moment, then nodded.

“Be careful with that one, sweetheart,” she said.

“What do you mean?”

She put her hand on mine and squeezed it, but didn’t answer me. I got up and left the room to see Xavier standing outside.

“Want to see our bedroom?” he asked me. I nodded, though a feeling of discomfort flitted through me that made it hard to get as excited as he was. I had forgotten about the whole situation of living with someone—sharing a bed, a room, our lives together. I was going to have to sleep next to Xavier every night for as long as I was here, no matter how I was feeling about him in the moment.

He took me by the waist once we got outside the room and guided me forward inside. It was massive—even bigger than the living room, with a bed in the middle that had to be specially made. There were canopies on the bed, black silk, and the walls were a vivid red that made the whole room seem like the inside of some organ, dark and bleeding. He pulled me onto the bed then and pressed his mouth to mine, which I responded to without thinking although I wasn’t in the mood to be touched. I didn’t like the room, didn’t like this house or the position I was in. As we kissed in bed, I fought to stay present with Xavier, to enjoy the experience, but all I could think about was getting away.

I slid out from underneath him then, unable to take any more. When I got out of bed, he raised his eyebrows at me.

“Where do you think you’re going?” he asked. He was coming off as playful but I thought I saw something else in his eyes, heard something like frustration in his voice. He hadn’t liked that I’d gotten up instead of taking my clothes off with him. I swallowed.

“I’m just not really feeling well,” I said. He shook his head, holding his arms out to me.

“You’re fine. You just need to be kissed again.”

He wrapped his hand around my wrist before I had a chance to move and pulled me against him, taking my mouth in a fierce kiss that I didn’t respond to. When I didn’t, he nipped my lip in a way that made pain shoot through me. I pulled away, glaring at him, but he only grinned at my response.

“You’re cute when you’re sick, I guess,” he said, pulling me onto the bed with him. I allowed my body to go limp then, allowed him to do what he wanted with me so that we could get it over with. Just because I wasn’t in the mood, didn’t mean I didn’t owe him for letting me and my grandmother stay with him. I was attracted to Xavier and it wasn’t unpleasant to be with him, so I swallowed my current distaste and let him touch me before dinner. Afterward, we got up and I got dressed without looking at him.

“Let’s go out to dinner,” he said, putting his pants on.

“I can’t,” I said. “I have to feed my grandma. Don’t you have anything here?”

“You can bring her something back,” he said, although it sounded more like he was snapping at me than making a suggestion. I stared at him, trying to decide whether or not it was worth arguing. In the end, I smiled. There was nothing else that I could do.

“Okay,” I said to him. He nodded, looking me over before we left the room.

“We’re going to need to get you some new clothes,” he said, his nose curling up in slight distaste. “Do you have anything but that to wear right now?”

I looked down at my dress, which was plain but fine for going out. I took a deep breath so that I didn’t snap at him.

“I have—I have the dress that I wore to the party. The night we met.”

His lips spread into a wolfish grin. “Perfect. Wear that.”

I nodded, going over to my suitcase to unfold the dress from the bag. I started to go into the bathroom to change but he stopped me, putting his hand on my arm.

“Where are you going?” he asked.

“To change,” I said, gesturing at the bathroom.

“Do it in here,” he said, laughing. “There are no secrets between us, babe. Your body is my body.”

I chewed on my lip, not looking at him as I pulled my dress over my head again. He was right that it was silly to be shy in front of him after what we’d already done, but I still didn’t know him very well, and changing in front of him felt strange and wrong. Still, I did it, slipping into the little black dress that reminded me so much of Julian and Eric. I remembered the looks on their faces when we had gone out to buy it, the desire in both of their eyes, their willingness to please. There was a different kind of desire in Xavier’s eyes tonight, one that made me feel like a sheep for slaughter. I turned around to glance at myself in the mirror and he came up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist.

“I’m going to make you so happy, princess,” he said, kissing the side of my neck. I managed to smile at him in the mirror, though I didn’t feel it in my chest. I followed him out the door then and out to dinner, taking a glance at the house as we pulled out of the driveway. Something wasn’t right—something that I couldn’t quite put my finger on, but this was the situation that I was in now and I had to make the best of it. Xavier wasn’t perfect, but he was handsome and kind and would take care of my grandmother and me until I could find a way to do it myself.