Ever

Well. Joke is on me. I’m the one being stood up.

At 8:01, I get a sympathetic look from the hostess and wave it off, smiling back. It doesn’t matter. I’m actually relieved I don’t have to explain to a virtual stranger that I’m in a relationship and I can’t stay for dinner. For once, getting stood up makes things a lot easier. Impatient to get back to Charlie and find out how his father is doing, I head for the door—

Just as Charlie walks in, eyes wild. Sweat dots his upper lip and darkens the front of his T-shirt. His hands clench and loosen at his sides.

Despite his disheveled appearance, however, a thrill squeals through my body at the sight of him. His blue eyes pan through the waiting area and land on me, his stomach hollowing on a deep breath when he sees me. I know the feeling. My tummy is bottoming out just knowing I’ll touch him soon. Talk to him.

That’s my first reaction. It lasts a split second before dread settles in my chest.

“You went on the date, Ever?” Charlie croaks the words. “You went?”

“No.” His misconception must be the reason I’m nervous. But knowing I can clear it up with an easy explanation doesn’t make me feel any better. The lighthearted joy I was feeling earlier in the night is being chafed by splinters. “No, I’m only here to cancel, and I was coming right back to the hospital. It was the right thing to do on short notice and . . . Charlie, you know I was coming right back.” I go up on my toes and rub our noses together. “After all the dating nightmares over the last few weeks, I wanted to do someone else a solid. That’s all. Look at me.” More nose rubbing. “I love you.”

His shoulders lose most of their tension, but the muscular lines of his body are still whip tight. “Yeah, I know. I know you were coming back to me.” His eyelids fall shut. “Of course you would do something like this. It’s why I love you, isn’t it?”

Instead of being comforted by those words, words I’ll never get accustomed to hearing, my dread amplifies. A horn blares right against my ear. “How . . . how did you know I would be here?”

When dudes in hazmat suits approach a suspicious package? That’s how Charlie is looking at me right now. Like there’s about to be a potential disaster. His Adam’s apple drags up and down, thoughts racing behind his blue eyes. “Remember back in the hospital when I asked you to be patient with me?” I don’t respond, but my heart does. It flies into a riot. “Is there any way that could take effect now?”

“Spit it out.”

A rickety inhale. “I’m Reve.” His lips barely move as he says the two words that make my skin burn. His must be burning, too, because it seems like he wants to crawl out of it. “Or there is no Reve. He’s just the name on the profile I created.”

Ice replaces the burning sensation on my arms, my neck. “Why?”

“Because I missed you. I needed to see your face. That was all it was supposed to be, but you messaged me and . . . cutie, then I was talking to you. And it felt like you were there with me. You were always supposed to be there with me.” He drags a hand down his face. “I shouldn’t have made this date, but you have to believe me. I was going to show up as Charlie and come clean. Unless . . .”

I’m afraid to ask. I’ve already been buried under an avalanche, but I need to know. I need to hear everything. “Unless what?”

Misery slashes across his face. “Unless I could convince you to come back to me before tonight ever happened.”

“Come back to you?” My voice is high-pitched and unnatural, but I can’t help it. There’s an earthquake taking place inside me. “We weren’t even together until tonight.”

His eyelids lift and all I see is shame. Shame. And it terrifies me. “When I created Reve, I still wanted things to go back to how they were. When we were just . . .”

“Hooking up,” I whisper through numb lips.

The blood drains from my face, scenes beginning to play on a screen inside my head. The speed dating fiasco, the fire alarm going off in the restaurant. And then the scenes that made tears burn in my eyes. Charlie showing up after speed dating and taking me for a drink, opening up to me about pressure at the academy, listening to me speak about my mother. Charlie showing up with the notecard tree, taking me to the farmer’s market. Taking me to the memorial after my disastrous date. “Oh God, Charlie, what did you do?” I clutch my throat, preventing it from ripping open. “Don’t tell me you’ve been sabotaging me. Not after I told you how important it was to try for my mother.”

“I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”

He’s trying to yank me into his arms, but I’d rather die. At this point, I would rather dive out of an airplane than let him comfort me. He’s the reason I need comfort in the first place, and I’m reeling. I’m reeling so hard I’m dizzy, the room twisting around me. “You wanted to go back to just hooking up,” I state. “When did that change? Did you ever really want to be my friend? Or was that all bullshit?”

“Ever.” There’s a tremor in his voice. Like he already knows I won’t appreciate his answer. “I fooled myself into thinking it was bullshit, but cutie, you have to believe me. I was in love with you the whole time. I was running all over town trying to make sure someone didn’t steal you away from me.” His fingers rake through his hair. “I was a goddamn idiot for believing I would do that unless there was something real here. And we’re the realest thing out there, Ever. You know we are.”

“How can you say that when you’ve been lying to me? Disregarding something you knew was important to me.” My voice has been reduced to a whisper. All I can see is Charlie’s earnest face, acting surprised to see me after I’d been humiliated at speed dating. The firmness of his handshake when we decided to be friends. The words he’d said when we had sex on the couch. No one moves like us, Ever. No one talks to each other without words like us. Don’t you know that? “All you wanted was to get me back into bed.”

“No.” His face is white as a sheet. “No, I thought that’s all I wanted. Ever—”

“I have to get away from you.” And I really do. I’ve dropped from the highest high into a lake of razors. I need to go somewhere dark and sort through what I know. To judge the extent of the damage. There’s one fact that is unshakeable, though, and it’s that Charlie has made me a complete fool. “Who do you think you are? Messing with my life like that? How dare you, Charlie? How dare you?” Tears roll down my cheeks and he sucks in a breath, watching them travel down, down. “Did you think it was funny? Ruining my dates so I would come running back for the no-strings sex?”

“It was never funny being without you. Not for a second.” He’s talking very slowly, very quietly, as if he’s mere seconds from losing his sanity. “Ever, please don’t leave me. You can’t leave me when I love you so much. Please. I’m begging you to comb through this with me, second by second, so I can tell you what I was thinking. I need to make you understand.”

“I don’t trust you to be honest. I don’t think I’ll ever believe you again.”

The words burst out of me and pop in the air. Bright red fireworks. Charlie falls back and bumps into someone, but doesn’t seem aware of it. And I take that opportunity to push out of the restaurant and run for the train, my heart dragging behind me on the filthy sidewalk.