Ever

Charlie loves me. I love him back. We said the words. We meant them.

I’m floating on a cloud of purple smoke back to the waiting room, probably with eyes the shape of hearts. There is a lessening of tension at the nurses’ station that bolsters my theory that Charlie’s father is going to be okay. Thank God. I’ve never seen Charlie looking more haunted than the moment I arrived, like everything he knew had been shaken. I’m going to be there for him. He . . . needs me to be there. I still can’t believe it. We started out as two people who didn’t want anything serious and now, we want it all.

Before I push open the door, I stop to collect myself. I swear, my heart is lodged somewhere between my throat and breastbone, pounding out of control. This morning, I woke up thinking the man I love was lost to me. He wasn’t, though. He came roaring back, and I realize now I should have had faith. I wouldn’t love a man who could give me up so easily.

He didn’t give me up at all, really, had he? No, he became my friend. He listened and understood why I wanted to find something serious. He’d confided in me, too. And now we are stronger for it. Lovers, friends . . . boyfriend and girlfriend. Maybe the attempt to strictly be friends had been a little far-fetched for two people who shared such a strong attraction, but Charlie had stuck with it. Showing up and supporting me, even though it couldn’t have been easy to watch me try to date. Try being the operative word. I was never meant to spend a single minute in another man’s company, though, and—

My hand flies up and smacks my forehead.

Reve. I forgot about the date.

I push through the waiting room doors and find my purse on a low, gray table, someone obviously having put it there after I dropped it. Danika sends me a slow wave, one corner of her mouth ticking up. “I assume from your smeared lipstick the talk went well,” she says, flipping the page of her magazine. “Atta boy, Charlie.”

Jack winks at me, but it’s friendly, if a bit . . . roguish. “Looking forward to having you around more, Ever. Guess I’ll have to start wearing pants around the apartment.”

I laugh, sounding like a complete schoolgirl, because I’m still flying high over Charlie loving me. Loving Charlie back. “It’ll be worth the leftovers I bring over.”

Danika and Jack give each other a fist bump.

I cross the room and dig through my purse, taking out my phone. Looking at my torn reflection on the screen for a beat, I open the dating app, feeling obligated to message Reve and cancel the date. Shit, though. It’s already seven forty. He’s probably on the train riding to the restaurant. Or worse, he arrived early and is sitting at the table, waiting for me. Guilt sits heavy in my stomach. Maybe the man is nothing more than a casual online acquaintance, but I don’t want to be the girl who stands him up. After the shit show that has been my foray into the dating scene and watching Nina deal with her breakup, I know how being treated without care or respect takes its toll.

It occurs to me how close we are to the restaurant. The hospital is only one avenue and six blocks from the Mexican food place where we’d planned to eat. I cast a glance toward the waiting room door, then back toward my cell phone clock. It would only take me twenty minutes to get to the restaurant, explain to Reve in person that I’m serious about someone else, but still appreciate him being so nice and giving up his evening to come meet me. I will probably be back before Charlie comes back out from meeting with the doctor and visiting his father.

Just do it. You’ll feel better about it and save someone a blow to their self-esteem.

“You guys, I have to run somewhere really quick.” I shoulder my purse, cell phone in hand, tapping it against my thigh. “Can you tell Charlie I’ll be right back if he comes out before I return? I’m just nipping down the street.”

They exchange a look and nod.

It’s not until I’m dodging evening foot traffic on my way down the avenue that I realize Charlie’s friends had looked . . . worried. Or something that wasn’t on par with me running an errand they knew nothing about. A need to return to Charlie as soon as possible, to be there and comfort him, kicks my pace into a jog. I can’t account for the yawning pit in my stomach, though. Almost like something is hovering just on the edge of my conscience, but isn’t quite ready to be plucked free yet.

When I reach the restaurant, it’s packed, people spilling out onto the sidewalk, debating whether or not to wait for a table. Knowing Reve made a reservation, I wade through the gathering of people to the hostess.

“Hi, I’m meeting someone. A table for two under Reve . . .”

“Yes.” She runs a silver fingernail down the list. “He’s not here yet. If you’d like to have a seat?”

Balancing on the balls of my feet, I battle the urge to charge back to the hospital and forget this whole mission to be a decent human being. But it’s still only seven fifty-two. Reve won’t be late for eight more minutes. Eight more minutes, then I could swing by a bakery, pick up some cookies and be back at the hospital in no time.

In the scheme of things, what’s eight minutes?

Charlie and I are on an unlimited minutes plan now.

I squeeze into the red, leather booth with a smile on my face, ready to intercept Reve when he walks through the door.

Charlie

Even in sleep, my father looks pissed off.

He woke up a few minutes ago, nodding at Greer and me in turn, by way of actual words. He’d saved those up for the doctor, who was clearly already fed up with the surly police chief. Before they’d even admitted him to the ICU, he’d demanded to know when he could go home. Relief floated like helium in my gut, even if there was still a lingering uneasiness over having watched my father drop down to mortal status.

Greer stands beside the bed updating him on department news from the last few hours, while my father fusses with the nose tubes and frowns at the beeping machine. He hasn’t brought up asking for our mother immediately following the heart attack, but there’s a knowledge hanging in the air, all three of us aware it happened. If things remained status quo, we’ll never discuss it. We’ll pretend it never happened. But I’m tired of the norm. Living as though ignorance is preferable to confronting anything emotional? That almost lost me Ever. Still might, depending on the mercy of the woman I love with every bone in my body.

Greer finishes his gravelly spiel and silence settles in the room. I can tell my father expects us to leave. Just like that. As if he didn’t almost die on the local news.

“I’m glad you’re going to be okay,” I start, two sets of eyes pinning me before the words have fully emerged.

My father tips his chin up. “Me, too. I need to get back on the clock.”

“Yeah.” I shove both hands into my pockets. “I meant I’m glad you’re going to be okay, because you’re my dad. Our dad.” They’re looking at me like I have sixteen heads. “Maybe work isn’t the most important thing. Not always. Not every time.”

“There’s a girl,” Greer says to my father, as if three little words could adequately explain Ever. All the words in the world couldn’t do her justice.

“There is a girl. Ever Carmichael. I’m going to try to keep her forever, if she’ll let me.” Christ, is my Adam’s apple swelling up? “I almost let her go, though, for reasons that seemed really stupid with death on the line, you know?” No answer. “I was afraid of her leaving like Mom left us. I thought it would be inevitable, once I started working around the clock, the way I’m supposed to. The way I’ve been taught is the only way.” I think of her out in the waiting room, fresh and flushed from kissing me. “When it comes time to take the lieutenant’s exam, I’m opting out.”

My father sits up straighter against the pillows. “What do you mean? Of course you aren’t. We’ve been grooming you for this since you were in middle school.”

“You’ve also drilled the importance of sacrifice into my head. We sacrifice, because it’s our job. Sacrifice our lives, our safety.” I jab the air with my finger. “I’m prepared to do those things. I’m going to be a damn good cop. But I’m making a sacrifice for her, because she’s what makes me happy. Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t wish, every once in a while, that you’d made some sacrifices for Mom. Tell me you don’t have regrets. I know I do. I can’t even remember saying thank you. Or I love you.”

Greer’s gaze snaps to mine, then over to my father. “For fuck sake, Charlie. Does this seem like a good time to get him upset?”

My father holds up a hand, tubes extending to the clear drip beside the bed. “I’m not upset.” His sigh seems to take an hour escaping. “First of all, I remember you saying those things. She loved her children. I’m the reason she left.”

Until I hear the words out loud, I don’t realize how much I believed it was me who sent her packing. All me. Even against common sense, I thought I was the straw that broke the camel’s back. The last ditch effort to save a marriage that wasn’t working, but ended up only making it worse. There’s no miraculous lessening of weight off my shoulders, though, because I see my father is carrying it. There’s no winner here.

“The department makes me happy. My work makes me happy.” His eyes lift to mine, shoot away. “But it doesn’t love a man back. The job put me in this bed. This, my body, is my sacrifice. Your mother was a sacrifice, too. And I think I’ve done a lot of good for this city because of those sacrifices.”

“No one is questioning that,” Greer says quietly. I nod.

“I should have tried harder, though,” my father surprises me by saying. “She was only asking for me to try a little harder. To be a husband, as well as a cop. I could have done it, but I was selfish. And then she was gone.” His jaw flexes, his nostrils flaring on an inhale. “I’m . . . proud of you, Charlie. For recognizing happiness. I’m still not sure I know what it looks like.”

“Happiness is a she. I can introduce you to her.”

Greer groans. “Jesus, you fucking sap.”

My father laughs as I punch Greer in the shoulder. “It’s going to happen to you someday. Then we’ll see who’s a sap.”

“Don’t hold your breath. Someone has to pick up your slack, now that you’ve decided to play house.” His shrug is stiff, but his lips are twitching. “I guess if you’re signing up to be whipped by a woman, might as well make her a hot blonde.”

“You did not just call my future wife hot right to my face.”

“He did.” My father is laughing, his big chest shaking. “I heard him.”

The mood between the three of us is the lightest I’ve ever felt it. Incredible. I thought my decision would drive a wedge between the already stilted relationship with my father and brother, but somehow it had the opposite effect.

I can’t wait to tell Ever. I can’t wait to tell her everything in my head, for the rest of my life. Our life.

With the promise of her warmth making my blood zing, I slap Greer on the back a little harder than warranted—after all, he just called Ever hot to my face—then, I head back out to the waiting room, Greer already beginning to drone about department business before the door closes behind me. When I walk into the beige purgatory, however, I find only Jack and Danika.

“Hey.” I scratch my head and turn in a circle, as if Ever will appear out of thin air. “My father is fine. They’re going to keep him for a while, but he’s out of the woods.” They both visibly relax, Danika tossing her magazine onto the low, gray table. “Where’s Ever?”

“Not sure.” Jack clears his throat. “Said she was running out for a little while.”

“But she’ll be right back,” Danika added quickly, giving me a curious look.

“Huh.” I pace to the window and look down at the rushing lights of the city. As if I could pick her out among thousands of people from this height. “Where would she . . .”

Oh. Fuck.