ADRIEL
I’m lying in my bed thinking about the two encounters I had with Mr. Staples today. They’re drastically different, but they both make me smile. However, when I got home, my parents were furious with me. I’d stammered out an explanation, but it didn’t do much to mitigate their anger. They said that for all they knew I was dead in a ditch and if I’m going to be that late to at least text them. But I didn’t regret it. Every moment I spend with Mr. Staples, I don’t regret. I may feel bad afterwards, but I wouldn’t erase them. I understand that now. It’s such a conundrum. I feel like all my feelings are coming from a pure place, but their physical manifestations have been… not so pure. And now I’m having trouble falling asleep. I learned so much about Mr. Staples tonight. He’s an avid reader (meaning he knows about the whole C.S. Lewis thing). He actually has a Ph. D., but prefers not to be called Dr. I found that weird. I thought the whole point was that everyone had to call you Dr. for the rest of your life. He has a weird combination of modesty and pride. He also has a much younger sister, but his relationship with his parents isn’t the best. Like mine, they’re a bit overbearing.
I turn over and lie on my side. I smile remembering how our night ended, “I can be good if you can be good.” Maybe he was telling the truth. I believe he was, but it’s not just his self-control that could be a potential problem. The more time I spend around him, the more I can feel my resolve slipping. I told Pastor Nichols I’m not going to sleep with Mr. Staples and I’m going to stick to that plan.
The next day, I’m sitting at my desk and Harriet drops some more folders for me to deliver to the top floor.
“Could you get someone else to deliver these?” I think I’m the only one who has to make these deliveries. I feel like my coworkers are picking up on this and some of them are giving me dirty looks.
“Usually, I’d have mixed up who takes up deliveries for the top floor, but both Mr. Chambers and Mr. Staples requested that you deliver anything that has to go upstairs.” Huh? I expected Mr. Staples to be involved, but Mr. Chambers? “I was just as confused.” Harriet must’ve seen my surprise. “You must’ve made an impression on both of them.” She shrugs and is on her way. And it looks like I’ll have to face all the partners again…
I go upstairs and make sure to end of Mr. Staples’s office, again. I knock on the door and I get the usual, “Come in.” But when I enter, he’s on the phone and motions for me to place the folder on his desk. I move slowly, expecting him to want to have another talk with me, but it looks like he’s completely occupied with his phone call. I leave disappointed. I didn’t even want to come up here and now I’m let down because Mr. Staples didn’t talk to me. Do I even know what I want? Is my brain even a functioning organ at this point? I go back to my desk and find myself feeling sullen for the rest of the day. Which is ridiculous. I mean, I wanted this. Well, I didn’t want it, but it is what needed to happen.
Over the next week and a half, Mr. Staples doesn’t really speak to me. I still drop off all his files, but we don’t have any conversations of substance. Even though he’s just upstairs, I find myself missing him. Plus, Mr. Chambers still hovers whenever I come upstairs. That man makes me nervous. All these men are making me nervous. Mr. Chambers and his predatory nature, Mr. Staples and my attraction to him, Mr. Davis and his enigmatic warning. The final partner is the only one I have no solid opinion on. Ms. Williams. Yeah, turns out, she’s a woman. Why have I never seen her? I know she exists, but whenever I go to her office, she’s never there! But I’ve gotten closer to Harriet. I’ve even started to confide in her. She’s explained some of the politics between the four partners and how Mr. Chambers wants to bring Mr. Staples down a peg. She’s also the one who told me about Ms. Williams, but she had very little information on her. She may remain an unsolved mystery. And I learned that Mr. Davis and Mr. Staples are close friends. Learning about them from an outside source was enlightening. Plus, it was nice to make a new friend.
So, my second week working here is coming to an end and it’s been one emotional trip. Tonight, I’ve once again stayed a little bit past closing, seeing I have no Friday plans. Harriet tried to invite to go out with her and some people from the office, but I couldn’t bring myself to say yes. I’d love to hang out with her more, but tonight just doesn’t feel like the night. And anyway, there are more files for me to deliver upstairs. I don’t know why I’m still doing this, though. Obviously, Mr. Staples doesn’t want to talk to me. Whenever I go into his office, he momentarily acknowledges me, then goes back to whatever he was doing. Maybe, I should’ve stayed that night. I wanted to. I really wanted to. And he promised nothing would happen… but I couldn’t make the same promise. Meaning I had to leave.
I go upstairs and make my final deliveries for the night. I finally get to his office, his office, and expect to be disappointed once again, but I’m ready for it. I almost don’t care. Almost. I go inside and once again find him on the phone. I place the envelope on his desk and make to leave.
“Hold on, Adriel.” I stop and turn around slowly. He’s still on the phone, so he motions for me to take a seat. I do so, tentatively, not sure what I’m in for this time. Another conversation would be nice, but I want more than a conversation. Maybe a conversation with our bodies… Dear god, that was cheesy. Delete that thought from my mind. I look up at him and see Mr. Staples watching me. I suddenly feel embarrassed and hope none of my thoughts were apparent on my face. Given how stupid they sound. He finally ends his call and instead of taking a seat in his chair, sits down on the desk. “How have you been?”
How have I been? Let’s see. There’s a mixture of disappointment, horniness, and curiosity mixing about in me. But no, I’ll just say, “Fine, fine. I’ve been… fine.” Sit up straight, betray no emotions, get through this. “How about you?”
“I’ve missed you.” Surprising. I’ve been here the entire time. It wouldn’t have been that hard to say hi. Wait, stop. I need to dissipate this anger. Why? Because one, I shouldn’t let him get to me like this and two, I can’t validate his feelings. I think I’ve kept a fairly neutral face and I also think Mr. Staples is picking up on my less than friendly feelings. He quickly changes the subject. “I’d like you to stay late. I have a project I need your help on.” Project? Bullshit.
“Bullshit.” I think I said that out loud. Yep, I definitely said that out loud. His mouth twitches and I think he wants to smile, but since it was quiet enough, he simply ignores my little outburst.
“Why don’t you gather your things and we can work in my office.” I nod and leave. As I ride the elevator down to my floor, I chastise myself for letting my… anger? I guess I am angry. I’m mad that he didn’t talk with me for over a week. I’m mad that nothing ever seems to resolve itself between us. And I’m mad that I have so many conflicted feeling about the two of us. That last one’s one me, but doesn’t make me any less angry. In fact, I believe it makes me angrier. I grab my things… angrily and go back upstairs. Mr. Staples seems to already be working on something. Maybe there really is a ‘project.’
“What do you need me to do?” I sit down and he hands me some papers. He tells me read and highlight certain passages, find certain values, finance stuff, etc. We work for about an hour. There’s very sparse discussion.
“Can I see what you’ve got so far?” I nod and he comes to stand behind me. I begin to show him the papers and he places both his hands on my shoulders. It’s a simple gesture, but it puts me on edge. At first, his hands are just resting, but, after we talk for a few minutes, he moves his thumb to my neck and begins to make small circles. I’m starting to have trouble concentrating. “Are you okay?”
I snap out of my reverie, nod, and try to continue reading, but Mr. Staples keeps tracing circles. “Uh… Mr. Staples?”
“Please, call me Clive,” he leans in and whispers this into my ear. Shivers go down my spine. I know I have options. I can refuse to call him Clive and communicate that this level of familiarity is making me uncomfortable or I can take the plunge. I can move into uncharted territory and get the satisfaction I desperately desire. That I’ve been desiring for a while now.
“Okay… Clive?” There’s a question in my voice and he answers it with a kiss. A kiss along the edge of my jaw. I feel his tongue slip out and my breathing gets faster.
“Could you unbutton your shirt?” He’s still whispering in my ear and it’s driving me crazy. He’s so close, my stomach is doing the thing where it feels like it’s falling. With shaky hands, I undo all the buttons on my shirt. Clive removes it from my body. “I’m going to take your bra off now.” His hands hover over the clasp, waiting for my response.
“Okay.” He undoes the clasp with expertise. As he slides the straps off my shoulders, I reflexively cross my arms over my chest, keeping my bra from falling forward. Clive moves from behind my chair, so now he’s kneeling in front of me. I look down at him.
“Are you alright?” He’s searching my face; I’m assuming trying to get a read of my emotions. As I see the concern on his face, I realize my feelings for Clive are intensifying. Not just the sexual ones – they’ve always been pretty intense – but there are other emotions beginning to swirl in. Without a word, I drop my hands and let my bra fall into my lap. His eyes go down and I watch as he takes in my chest. His eyes come back to mine and his hand gently cradles my neck. He brings his face close and rest his forehead against mine. “I’ve been waiting for this…”
“For what?” I know what it is, but I want to hear him say it. But instead of saying anything, he kisses me. Another one of his soft ones. The kiss deepens and I moan into his mouth. His hand goes down my neck and onto my one of breasts. His thumb brushes over my nipple. His tongue swipes against my bottom lip and I grab onto his hair. He massages my hardened peak, making me fiercely crave more friction between us. When our mouths come a part, we’re both breathless. “I think you need to take off some of your clothes, as well.” He gives me a smirk and presents himself to me.
“Why don’t you help me with that.” He raises an eyebrow like it’s a challenge and my hands go up to remove his suit jacket. As I remove it, I run my hands down his arm and feels his hard muscles. I’m about to have sex with a very in shape man. Very fit.
“Very fit, indeed…”
“What was that?” Dammit! I keep saying things out loud without realizing it. And they’re always the most embarrassing things. I drop my hand from his arms and look down. I start stammering out an explanation and Clive starts to chuckle. And once again, his laughter makes me laugh. I love the way we sound together. “It’s fine. I know I’m very in shape,” he says this with a smile, well more of a smirk. “And I like how you say what you’re thinking when you’re off your guard.” I bite my lip in an attempt to conceal my own growing smile.
“Why don’t you show me how in shape you are?” Soon, he has his shirt unbuttoned and he’s standing before. He was not lying. “Wow.”
“Wow?”
“Wow.” That last one’s a whisper. I’m almost speechless. I stand up and run my hands down his stomach. My finger buzz as I touch his abs. I look into his eyes. “I’m about to have sex with you.” Clive runs a finger along my cheek.
“You’re about to have sex with me,” he repeats my words and they settle in.
“We’re about to have sex.” It’s all finally happening. And, at this point, it feels inevitable, like it was meant to happen. There are so many questions I want to ask. The main one being if tonight moves forward, is this where it ends? I don’t want it to end, but I’m also too scared to ask. What if I don’t like the answer.
Clive draws me towards him in a hug and our bare skin touches. I rest my head against his chest and he kisses the top of my head. We stand like that for a few seconds. It feels nice. These are the moments that I want to hold on to. The moments that have made me realize that I want to spend more and more time with him. I want to be with him. I bring my hands to the hem of his pants. We move a part a little, giving me better access, so I can unbutton his pants. He wordlessly watches my hands at work. Once he’s unbuttoned and unzipped, I slide my hand in and feel his penis. I grasp it lightly and I hear Clive inhale sharply. He’s a lot bigger than I expected.
“It’s bigger than I expected.” Clive’s places his hand on my shoulder to steady himself.
“Are you worried?” His voice his strained which might be due to the fact that I’ve started to stroke him. It felt like the right thing to do and I’m proud of the effect it’s having on him. His breathing has picked up and I love that I can do this to him. He said he wants to watch me come undone, but…
“I want to watch you come undone.” I start to stroke him more vigorously, but he grabs my hand and stops me.
“Not that I wouldn’t love that, but I have every intention of coming inside of you.” My skin flushes just thinking about it. I remove my hand from his pants. Not sure what to do, I grab my arm with my hand and stand awkwardly. Clive lifts my chin up with his finger. “Why don’t you jump up on my desk?” I nod and sit myself down. “Now, lie down.” I slowly bring my back against the smooth surface of Clive’s desk. It’s cold against my back and I arch up slightly before settling. My hands grip the edge, waiting for his next order. Instead of another command, he places his hands on either side of me. He brings his mouth down on my nipple and sucks on it. My hands grip the edge tighter. He moves on to my other nipple and I moan with pleasure. He leaves my breast and trails kisses down my stomach. He reaches the edge of my pants and I twist my neck to look at him.
“Are we doing this again?”
“Mmhm.” Clive is between my legs and he yanks my pants and underwear off. He pulls me to the edge of the desk and once again I can feel his breath between my legs. He kisses the inside of my thighs and then begins his assault of my vagina. He sticks his tongue inside me and I arch my back, feeling the pleasure run up my body. He licks my folds, but manages to avoid the ‘spot.’ But it still feels so good. He doesn’t make me wait long, though. He sucks on my clit and I have my first orgasm of the night – hoping I’ll have more.
Clive removes himself from between my legs and kisses himself back up my stomach. When he kisses my mouth, I can taste the remnants of me on his lips and I wonder what he tastes like. He moves his mouth over to my cheek and lightly brushes his lips against it. “I know I said I wanted to bend you over my desk, but then I wouldn’t be able to watch your face as you have an orgasm.” Well we wouldn’t want that.
“Then fuck me against the wall,” I suggest. I’m starting to accept that I have a bit of a dirty mind. And, a dirty mouth. I sometimes still can’t believe some of the things I say, but I’m getting acclimated with it. Clive smiles at my proposal and I think he’s going to accept it. He removes the rest of his clothes, so now we’re both naked, and he moves back on top of me. I think he also managed to put on a condom. He swiftness reminds me how experienced he is, but I push that thought to the back of mind, refusing to let it bother me now.
“Wrap your legs around me.” I do what he says and he picks me up off his desk. I wrap my arms around his neck and place my chin in the crook of his neck. It’s comforting having his arms around me. I feel my back hit a wall and lean my head back. “Are you ready?” I nod. “I need to hear you say it.”
“I’m ready.” He gives me a quick kiss and I feel him position himself at my entrance.
“I’ll go slowly, okay?”
“Okay.” He penetrates me gradually and it’s almost overwhelming. I hold my breath and shut my eyes tight, trying to relax. He stops moving and asks me to open my eyes. “Yes?”
“Do you want me to stop?” I don’t. I never want him to stop.
“No, keep going. It’s just a… new feeling.” He keeps going and I squeeze my arms around him tighter, digging my nails into my palms.
“Relax. Breathe. We’re almost there.” I hear the restraint in his voice and know he’s holding back. I wonder what he’s like when he’s completely unrestrained? I’d love to see. I let out a long breath and soon he’s completely inside me. “How does that feel?”
“Filling?... Filling. I feel full.” Everything I’m saying comes out breathy. I want him to start moving. I know he’s worried since it’s my first time and I appreciate the concern, but I’m ready for more. “Whenever you’re ready to commence fucking me, I’m good to go.” I think I’ve shocked him again, but it passes quickly. He starts to pull out, just as slowly. “I told you-”
He interrupts me with a kiss and then slams into me. I gasp into his mouth, surprised, but happy he did what I asked. Even though there’s some pain, it feels sublime mixed with the pleasure. He continues to pound in and out of me and I hear our bodies slap together. The wall scratches my back and I know I’ll have some bruising, but I don’t care. My senses are on high alert and everything feels that much more intense.
Oh my god, Clive!” He doesn’t relent and I get my wish. He’s unrestrained. I bring my nails down his back. I’m not going to be the only one with marks on my backside. “Don’t stop.”
“You have no idea how much I’ve thought about this.” If it’s as much as I have then I know it’s a lot. “You feel so much better than I imagined. God, you’re so tight.” And I can feel myself getting tighter. “Are you going to come? Are you going to come for me?”
“Yes!” I know I’m close. My stomach’s in knots, it’s agonizing, but heavenly.
“Then look at me. Look at me as you finish.” I look at him and finally the tension breaks. I have to close my eyes, my orgasm courses through me so violently. I throw my head against the wall and feel it wash over me as he grinds his hips into my pelvis. My nails dig into his back so forcefully, I potentially break skin, but I don’t know. My walls pulse around him and I hold on to him for dear life. Not too long after, Clive finishes, grunting out my name as he makes his final thrust. “Oh, fuck.” His face is so calm; I wish I could experience this every day. That I could watch him whenever I wanted. I brush my fingers against his cheek. Our breathing evens out as we both come down.
“Is it always this good?” He cocks his head to the side, contemplating. After taking a few seconds to think, Clive places a kiss on my forehead and responds.
“Not even close.” He withdraws himself from me and I let out a little grunt, still sensitive from before. He takes a step back from the wall and lets me down. I suddenly feel very naked because I am very naked. We’re both very naked. I cross my arms over my chest and look for my clothes. “Are we doing this again?” I stop searching and look back up at him.
“What?”
“Every time something happens between us, you run off. This time I’d like you to stay. Why don’t you stay?” Stay and do what? Our relationship is so undefined that I never know what to do when I’m around him. I feel like it could fracture at any moment and the ‘us’ that I have built in my mind will disintegrate into nothingness. The more time I spend with him, the more likely he’ll get bored with me and move on to someone better. Instead of saying any of this I agree to stay for a little while.
“I can stay, but I’d like to get dressed first?” He relaxes and we both put our clothes back on. Well, Clive puts on his boxers and t-shirt, but I fully dress myself. He goes to lie down on the couch in the corner of his office and motions for me to lie down on top of him. I do so and he wraps his arms around me. “Only for a little while, then I need to get home…” The words come out sleepily and I find myself slipping into a dream as Clive talks to me about… something? I can’t quite make it out. I must’ve been a lot more tired than I thought.
I wake and look up to see Clive’s face. He’s still asleep and looks quite peaceful. I could wake up to him every morning. I sigh. Morning? Morning! I sit up with a start that shakes Clive awake and realize I spent the night at the office. The very thing I was trying to avoid. Clive rubs his eyes and lets out a yawn.
“What time is it?” I turn to him and my panicked expression wakes him up. “What’s wrong?”
“It’s morning and everyone’s going to be in the office,” I check my watch, “in about an hour.” I get off of him and rush to put on my shoes.
“Wait! Where are you going?”
“I wasn’t supposed to spend the night and now I need to get home.” I’m on the verge of tears. There is no way I’m going to be able to explain my way out of this. “I wasn’t supposed to spend the night.” I don’t let him answer and I run out of the office. I jump in my car and rush home.
I arrive and run up the steps, but before I can get inside, my dad opens the door. My mom is standing behind him and from their expressions, I can tell they are more than angry with me.
“Mom, Dad. I can explain.”
“No. We’ve let you explain too much.” My dad’s tone is even, but I can hear the anger behind his voice. “You’re going to have to see Pastor Nichols. He’s the only one who can help us now.” My heart sinks and for the first time since last night, I feel bad about sleeping with Clive. I was so caught up in fulfilling my desires, that I let them get the better of me and I slept with him. The one thing I promised myself I wouldn’t do. The one things I was told never to do. I go inside to clean myself up and then head over to the church to ask for forgiveness for my sins.