CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Kate slept most of the way from Nairobi to Zurich and then a few hours at the hotel we stayed at during our brief layover. While we waited, Elaine texted Kate with an update.
Ethan had to undergo a second surgery after another bleed, and had lapsed back into a coma after a brief period of consciousness.
I explained why, trying to dispel her fears but at the same time, prepare her in case he didn’t wake up. The ruptured vessel was close to the brain stem. One of the most dangerous, strokes like Ethan’s often led to death due to the effects on the autonomous nervous system. Ethan’s surgeons were hopeful that they had successfully removed the blood and that the vessel was no longer bleeding. All we could do was wait and see.
Once we arrived at La Guardia, Kate was eager to get to the hospital. I grabbed a sandwich at one of the airport delis and handed her a half, insisting that she eat. She complied without arguing. We arrived at the hospital and I led the way to the ICU to Ethan’s room. I spoke to the duty nurse, who went to let Elaine know we were there. Elaine came out, her face pale, but happy to see Kate and me. She and Kate hugged for a long time, and she turned to me and we embraced as well.
“I’ll take you to the room,” Elaine said and took Kate’s hand, squeezing it. “Prepare yourself, Kate. He looks pretty bad. Very pale, and his face is paralyzed on the left side. He's still drifting in and out of consciousness but talk to him. Tell him you're here and that you're praying for him. It will comfort him if he can hear you. Be positive. He needs to be encouraged to choose to live."
Kate hugged me once more before going in to the room alone.
I watched through the window as she entered, walking softly into the room, and going to the side of the bed. Ethan’s bed was surrounded by a bank of telemetry that monitored his condition. Ethan looked frail, with electrodes attached to his chest, a blood pressure cuff on his arm, an IV in his hand. He was getting oxygen via a nasal cannula, which was a good sign since it meant he was still breathing on his own. One of his hands was bent, and one side of his face was drooping from the effects of the stroke.
As I watched, Kate covered her mouth with a hand.
Then she sat on the chair beside Ethan, his hand in hers and spoke to him.
While we watched, I told Elaine about speaking with Ethan’s doctor.
"Dr. Clark is one of the best,” I said to Elaine. “He’s one of the tops in the field in the US. The world, for that matter.”
Elaine nodded. “He's been devoted to Ethan, dropping in frequently to check on him."
I wanted to hear what Kate said to Ethan, but I couldn’t snoop like that. It was touching to see her speaking to him, father and daughter. I thought how lucky she was to have developed such a good relationship with Ethan before this happened and it made me regret losing my own father and not having grown as close to him as Kate and Ethan had become.
I went to the coffee machine and got a cup, then sat in the waiting room while Kate visited with Ethan.
Finally, a nurse came over and spoke with us. She wanted to do vitals and so Elaine went to the door and opened it, poking her head inside.
"Honey, they need to do a check of his vitals. Come on out and have some coffee. You must be thirsty."
Kate nodded and leaned down to kiss Ethan. She came out of Ethan’s room and right over to me, where I waited with a coffee. I stood up and pulled her into my arms and we embraced, watching as the nurse took Ethan’s vitals and checked him over.
"How are you?" I said, rocking her in my arms. I pulled back, brushing hair from her forehead. "Why don’t you let me go in and visit him for a while. Have something to eat."
"That's a good idea, Kate," Elaine said. "Let Drake go in for a while."
She nodded and let go of me, following Elaine to a coffee shop on another floor. Now it was my turn to visit Ethan.
I didn’t spent too long with Ethan, not wanting to monopolize his time since I was not yet really a family member, but it comforted me to be able to look at him, check his stats myself, and speak to him in a quiet voice. I told him about his condition even though he was unconscious, and I told him not to worry, that most patients with an AVM survived a first stroke. I told him how much we all loved him, and how we would be there with him the entire time that he was in the hospital. That I would look after both Elaine and Kate while he recovered. That I was so glad to have had him in my life. That he was the kind of father I wish I’d had growing up.
After a short time, I turned away and left Ethan alone, satisfied that I had said what I wanted to say to him. I never had the chance to say goodbye to my own father and it still haunted me that we hadn’t been close enough before he died so he knew how I felt.
I wiped my eyes and went to Kate, pulling her up from her chair and into my arms. I buried my face in her neck and squeezed her tightly.
"Are you scared, too?" she said, rubbing my shoulder. "I thought you really liked Dr. Clark."
I pulled back and looked in her eyes. "Of course I'm scared, but Aaron's the best for this kind of injury. Ethan's bleed was deep in the brain. It still all depends on whether the ablation was successful and that will only be clear in the next twenty-four to forty-eight hours."
She hugged me more tightly. "I'm so glad you were able to come after all."
"Of course I'd come. Ethan is like my own father."
When Elaine went back in with Ethan, Kate sat down on her chair once more. Then I had an idea. Kate was exhausted but wouldn’t want to leave so I decided to reserve the extra on-call room for us.
"Wait here for a moment," I said and went to the nursing station. I spoke with the duty nurse and used the house phone to check on the schedule for the extra on-call room. Luckily, it was free and I asked if I could book it for use. I explained why and the clerk was happy to oblige.
I returned to Kate and sat down beside her, my arm around her shoulder. "You must be tired. I've been able to finagle one of the extra on-call rooms for you if you want to rest for a few hours. There's nothing much else to do here."
"What about you?" she said, rubbing my shoulder. "You must be just as tired."
"I'll lie down a little later,” I said, shaking my head. “I want to go meet with Ethan's nurses and read his chart first."
"OK," Kate said and went into Ethan’s room to let Elaine know.
When she returned, I took her hand and led her through the halls to the small room with a set of bunk beds and a night table and lamp. The room was where residents went to take a sleep break on their long shifts. We had it for the entire night.
Kate lay on the bed and I pulled the blanket up over her shoulder. I kissed her cheek and tucked the blanket in, hoping she’d be able to sleep so she could make it through the next day.
"I'll be in later to check on you or let you know if there's any news."
Kate nodded and closed her eyes, exhausted from the stress and long trip.
I knew our ordeal was just beginning for Ethan had a long road ahead.
Kate slept the entire night through.
I spent the night checking on Ethan and making sure Elaine was okay. I caught a few moments of rest when I could, my feet up on the coffee table in the staff lounge where I spent so many hours when I worked at NYP. I felt at home there, and the staff pretty much ignored me, despite the fact I was on leave and didn’t need to be there. I felt better that Ethan was at NYP for I felt more in control there, having access to Ethan’s nurses and files, as well as his team of surgeons and neurologists.
I was speaking with Clark, Ethan’s physician, when Kate arrived, looking quite a lot brighter than the previous day.
Ethan had a good night, but there was still a risk of another bleed.
"There’s likely some permanent damage and Judge McDermott will have to undergo extensive rehabilitation. We think there’ll be no cognitive impairment but we won't know for sure until later."
I thanked Aaron and we shook hands. He rested his hand on my shoulder.
"He's strong and generally fit so if there's no complications in the next day or two, he should do fine."
I waved Kate over, wanting to introduce them. She came to my side.
"Kate, this is your father's neurosurgeon, Dr. Aaron Clark,” I said, gesturing to Aaron. “He's probably the very best in the entire country in dealing with your father's kind of stroke. Aaron, this is Kate McDermott, Ethan's daughter and my fiancée."
Aaron extended a hand and smiled warmly at Kate. "Your father is a strong man. I hear he's a former Marine. They're tough as nails so I expect him to pull through. Despite the second bleed, everything looks pretty good, so as long as the next few days are without any major complications, he should be fine."
"Thank you so much," Kate said and shook Aaron’s hand. "We're so lucky to have you."
"Glad to be of help."
"You look very tired," Kate said. "Were you up all night?"
Aaron smiled. "Had an emergency surgery in the night. I'm on call this weekend and sometimes I don't make it out until Monday morning. Depends on what comes through the door." He turned to me once more and extended his hand. "Well, I have to go check in on a patient. I'll let you know if anything changes."
We shook once more than then Aaron left, stopping in at the nursing station to speak with the nurses. I felt Kate’s eyes on me and turned to her. Her eyes were brimming.
"I love you," she said, her voice catching.
I leaned down to kiss her, softly.
"Not that I'm complaining, but to what do I owe this declaration of your love, Ms. Bennet?"
She shook her head. Finally, she responded, her voice breaking once more.
"I'm so glad you're here. I don't know what I'd do without you. I'd be frantic."
"Of course I'm here," I said and frowned in surprise that she could imagine I’d stay in Nairobi when Ethan was so sick. "Do you really think I would have stayed in Nairobi?"
"But you have skills that are so rare and in demand. You have students who expect you to be in class to teach them. And you have patients like my father, and families who rely on you to save their lives."
I smiled at her. "I am pretty fabulous, if I say so myself."
"You are," she said, and punched my shoulder playfully. "You're amazing, Drake Morgan."
I touched her cheek. "How could I send you off by yourself, all the way from Nairobi to New York in the state you were in, alone? How could I not come with you, find out for myself how your father was so I could help you deal with whatever happened? I couldn't stand to be back there not knowing anything. Not able to see for myself. Not able to be with you." I shook my head. "Nothing could have kept me from coming with you."
I kissed her warmly, pulling her into my arms and against me.
"I love you," I said, holding her eyes. We stood with our foreheads pressed together, our arms around each other.
"Hey, you two lovebirds," Elaine said from the waiting room entry. "He's waking up."
Kate released me and followed Elaine.
"That's good, isn't it?" she said to me as I followed her. I reached out and took her hand.
"Yes," I said. "It's a good sign, but don't be upset if he has trouble speaking at first. There will probably be lingering effects from the stroke. It may take a while for his speech and other functions to come back fully."
Kate stopped at the window to Ethan’s room. Inside, the nurse was talking to Ethan, whose eyes were half-open. She was checking a monitor, recording his stats.
"What's she doing?" she asked.
"Recording his vitals."
The nurse came out and stood with us. "One of you can go in with him. Don't try to make him speak too much. He can only whisper." She walked away with a smile.
Elaine and Kate looked at each other. "You go," they both said at the same time.
"I think we can break the rules this once," I said and shoved them both in. I stood in the doorway and watched as Elaine took one side of the bed and Kate took the other.
"Hi, Daddy," Kate said and leaned down to kiss his cheek. "I'm so glad you're waking up."
Ethan responded, but was unable to open his eyes completely.
"Chatty Kathy," was all he said, but there was a slight upward movement of the corner of his mouth on his unaffected side. He was smiling, or trying to and that was a good sign.
"You heard what I said?" Kate said in surprise.
"Every word," Ethan replied in his characteristic raspy voice. Kate glanced over at me. I grinned at her, pleased that Ethan was so responsive.
Kate leaned down and pressed her forehead against her father's cheek, smiling back.
"Sorry I talked so much,” she said, her voice soft and filled with emotion, “but I wanted you to know how much I need you."
"Wasn't going anywhere," Ethan said, talking out of one side of his mouth. Kate glanced up at Elaine, her eyes teary.
Then, the nurse returned and leaned in, giving me a mock-serious frown.
"Dr. Morgan…" Then she turned to Kate and Elaine. "OK, you two. Only one at a time."
Kate kissed Ethan’s cheek. "I have to go now, Daddy, but I'll be back later. I love you."
"Love you," Ethan managed. Kate squeezed his good hand and then left Elaine alone with him. I put my arm around Kate and led her over to the waiting room. I pulled her into my arms and she finally broke down, crying against my shoulder, her tears of relief falling unrestrained.
"It's okay," I said and rocked her in my arms. "He's going to be okay."
She hugged me even more tightly and together we waited for Elaine to return.
“Feel like a coffee?” I asked. Kate nodded without speaking, still too overwhelmed after seeing her father. I led her down to the cafeteria and we got coffee for ourselves and Elaine as well as a few Danish pastries.
"Oh, thank you," Elaine said when she returned from seeing Ethan. "I'm exhausted." She ate her Danish in silence for a while. "Oh," she said after a moment. "The nurse said they'll be moving your father to the neurology ward later today. He's getting a private room with one of those recliners, so I can sleep in the room with him. It'll be so much better than trying to sleep on the cushions from these couches."
"We should go and stay at 8th Avenue," I said, running my hand over Kate’s hair affectionately. "It's pretty close and we can run back really quickly if needed."
Kate smiled, too tired to respond with more than a nod.
"I'll speak with the residents and see if the extra room is vacant tonight and you can sleep there if you want," I said to Elaine.
Elaine shook her head. "I'll be happy to sleep on the recliner in the room with Ethan. We haven't slept apart since we started to live together and I'm not going to start now."
"You haven't been apart a single night?" I said in surprise. "That's amazing."
"We haven't. I've gone to every convention and meeting he's had and he's attended all my family reunions. We've been so lucky that my work has never gotten in the way."
Kate took my hand in hers. "Drake will have to go back to Nairobi soon, so unfortunately," she said and looked at me. "We'll have to be separated for a while."
"What do you mean?" I said and frowned. "I'll stay until you're ready to come back. Ethan should be out of danger in a couple of days."
Kate was adamant. "I won't be going back for a while," she said, softly. "But you have to go back. You have students and patients waiting for you." She took my hand and squeezed, forcing a smile.
"I don’t want us to be apart," I said, my voice low.
"We won't be apart for very long."
"How long?" I said, frowning at the thought of being separated from her.
"Not long," she said, her voice light. "When Daddy's back at home and everything's set up for his rehabilitation."
I shook my head, not willing to be apart that long. "That could take weeks."
"Katie, you don't have to stay," Elaine said, calmly. "I can take care of your father. We'll hire private duty nurses, and will have the very best care. You should go back with Drake."
"No," Kate said. "I can't go back until I feel sure Daddy's OK. I'd fret and worry if I went back to Nairobi now. I'm alone all day when Drake's at work, and he works late every night. He's also busy on weekends grading and is on call once every three weeks so…" She shrugged. "I'm not going back until I feel completely satisfied that he's doing well. Drake will be fine. He's so busy, Elaine. Busier than he would be if he was here working. You don't know what it’s like."
I said nothing, frustrated but not knowing what else I could say.
"Well," Elaine said and looked from Kate to me. "You two will have to sort that out between you, but really, Kate. There's no need to stay."
"It will only be for a couple of weeks." Kate turned to me. "You understand."
"Kate, I don't want us to be separated," I said quietly, trying hard to stay in control. I glanced at Elaine and she stood up.
"I'll leave the two of you alone."
We watched her leave, and then I turned to Kate.
"I don't want you to stay here without me," I said, emotion filling me. "I can take this week off if we're back by Sunday night. Michael's taking my classes, and Barnes is doing my slate for the week. I want you in Nairobi with me. We should know by Saturday at the latest how your father's doing."
Kate smiled at me, but I could see the resolve in her eyes. "What if he had a relapse? I can't be going back and forth."
"If you have to fly back, it's no big deal," I said. "We can afford it."
"It's not that," Kate said, shrugging one shoulder. "You have to go back. You're needed there. I'm extra. I'm not needed there. My father needs me."
"I need you," I said but I knew when I said it that it was petty of me. Yes, I needed her, but I had to admit her father’s illness trumped my needs.
She smiled and ran her fingers through my hair. "I'd be sick with worry if I went back too soon. I'd have nothing to do but sit around and think of all the bad things that could happen."
I said nothing, upset at the thought she’d be staying and I’d be taking the flight alone.
"Drake, you'll be really busy when you take on a full surgical load. Michael said he wants the two of you to go to the outlying provinces to do surgeries in the smaller centers during the breaks in the semester and you agreed. That would mean you'd be away for a week at a time and I'd be all alone…"
She was right of course but I still wanted to argue, see if she could be convinced.
"I can't help that I'm so busy. The patients," I said, my voice low. "They've been waiting so long for this surgery. And I want you to come with me when we travel."
"I understand that," she said and took my hand. "I can't leave here until I feel really certain that everything's OK. I read the articles on this kind of stroke. The risk of a re-bleed is still very high in the first few weeks after surgery. I'm not going to fly all the way to Nairobi and then worry every day and night that he's going to have another bleed and I'll have to fly back."
"That's too long,” I said, a sinking feeling in my gut that she’d stay so long. “The semester will almost be over by then."
"Don't you understand? I'll feel useless there. All I have is my art and even that’s in question after the safari," she said, her voice frustrated.
I exhaled loudly, my blood hot at the thought the bastard deVilliers had undermined Kate’s already-weak sense of worth about her art. "What did that bastard Sefton say to you?" I leaned closer, staring in her eyes. "He must have said something to make you feel this way. It's like you're using your father's stroke as an excuse to stay here and not come back with me."
Kate closed her eyes, a look of pain on her face. I felt incredibly small but the words kept spilling out of my mouth, apparently beyond my control.
"Drake, my father and I only became close recently and then he almost died. I can't leave until I know he's no longer in danger."
"I can't stand the thought of going back without you." I couldn’t. I hated the prospect of getting on the plane alone. I loved having Kate with me in Nairobi. Despite how busy I had been, each night when I was on my way back to the house, I felt incredibly lucky and happy to have her there and to see her, eat something with her, and if possible, make love to her.
Kate smiled softly. "I know. But you have to go back. And I have to stay. We'll only be apart for a few weeks."
Desperation filled me. "Elaine and Ethan were never separated."
"Yes, but her father didn't almost die while she was half way around the world!' she said, her frustration with me noticeable in her voice, her temper close to the edge. "What if your father had survived the crash and you had to leave Manhattan and go to Africa to see him. Would you have left him there and returned after only a week?"
I shook my head slowly. "OK," I said, my voice low. "All right. I understand." I glanced away from her face, trying to rein myself in, but failing badly. I felt like a jealous teenager but I was desperate to convince her. "You're not ready yet to commit completely to me. You're still torn between your father and me. But there will come a time when you have to choose, Kate. Me or him."
"I'm not doing that!" she said, sounding completely exasperated. "I'm not choosing him over you. And don't you ask me to do that. I will be with you – in a few weeks." She sighed heavily. "I'm afraid he'll die when I'm away and I won't get back in time to say goodbye." Her eyes filled with tears, and she bit her lip like she was trying not to sob out loud.
"That won't happen," I said, wanting to allay her fears.
"You can't promise it won't."
She was right. I couldn’t promise it wouldn’t but I felt pretty certain Ethan was over the worst of his illness. It would be a long slow process, but he would recover.
I took her hand. "You're not happy in Nairobi," I said and stroked her skin with my thumb. How could she be? I was away so much… She was alone so much… I’d felt it each time I left her alone—this lingering sense that I was making a huge mistake being away so long each day.
She sighed and with that sigh, I knew it was true.
"You're away so much,” she said, admitting it.
I felt like a knife twisted in my gut.
“I'm alone so much,” she added. “I have no one to talk to. Besides my few canvases, you're everything. At least in Manhattan, I have family and friends."
"Dawn is hardly a friend," I said quietly, a deep sense of defeat filling me.
"Well, acquaintances," Kate admitted. "At least I'll have someone to speak to. I go days sometimes with no one but you to talk to. You talk to people all day. You’re probably never alone. Then you come home and I'm craving a conversation with you, but you're so late and you're so tired, we barely speak. Drake," she said, her voice lowering. "You probably see her more in a day than me."
That sent a jolt of ice through my veins. "Kate…"
She was right. There were days when I did see Sam more than I saw Kate.
"It's true," she said defensively. "Tell me it isn't true."
I shook my head and glanced away, unable to meet her eyes.
"Your work is so important,” she said softly. “You have to go back. I have to stay."
"You're important to me." I glanced up at her. "Do you understand that?"
"Yes," she said, looking away. "Of course, I'm important to you. I'm right there, just below your career, your patients and teaching."
"There's no below, Kate,” I said, feeling as if I had failed her. Failed to make sure she knew how I felt. “You're on the same level."
She looked in my eyes, but there was an expression of doubt in them, her brow knit like she was searching my face for truth.
"Do you believe me?" I said, taking her hand once more, rubbing her palm, needing the physical contact to counteract the sense of despair building inside of me. "Do you believe that you're as important to me as my career and my patients and my teaching?"
"If you say so," she said doubtfully, but I knew she didn’t feel it.
"That's not a resounding yes." I exhaled slowly. "This isn't getting us anywhere. If you don't feel that I value you that highly, I'm doing something wrong. Kate, you're everything to me. I couldn't imagine not being with you, not loving you, not having your love."
Frustration filled me and for a moment I felt hopeless, as if I couldn’t explain.
"I agreed to go to Nairobi when I thought you no longer wanted to be with me," I added, hoping to make her understand. "I made a commitment to Michael and he planned the year based on my coming, arranged the class schedule so that I'd teach the surgical courses, and contacted patients who needed my skills to come to the hospital. I want to be with you more, but I can't let Michael down."
"Of course you can't!" Kate said, her emotions spilling over, her voice wavering. "I don't want you to. I don't expect you to leave Nairobi. My God, Drake. I know how important this is to you and to Michael, and to all your patients. But you have to understand that my father is sick and could die. I can't leave until I feel certain that he's going to be fine. I can't go back and sit all alone in Nairobi while you're away working, doing what you have to, doing what you love. I'd be so unhappy…"
"I understand." I stroked her hair. "You're upset now, because of what happened. You can't think rationally. Promise me this," I said and leaned closer. "Promise me that if your father is doing really well on Saturday, and if Aaron says you don't have to worry, that you'll return with me to Nairobi. If anything happens, you'll be on the next flight back, I promise."
She looked in my eyes like she was weighing her decision carefully. I knew she hated that I was trying to make her promise. I knew she might not be able to keep it, but it would make me feel better to hear her make it.
Finally she spoke, her voice soft. "I promise that if Aaron is happy with my father's progress, and if I feel that I can leave on Saturday, I will," she said finally.
"Thank you," I said, emotion filling me.
"But," she said and pulled her hand back. "If I don't feel that I can leave, you have to let me stay without any complaints."
I nodded, despite the fact I didn’t want her to have that option but I had to fight my selfish desires. "Agreed."
Elaine walked up while we were still looking deeply into each other’s eyes in hopes of seeing understanding.
"Either of you kids want to have coffee with Ethan? He wants some and needs help drinking it."
"I do." Kate smiled and stood up, but before she could leave me, I grabbed her hand. I remained in my seat and I stared up at her, her hand in mine.
"I'm sorry you're not happy in Nairobi. Don't give up on us, Kate."
She stopped and frowned. "Why would you think that I might give up on us? I'm staying because of my father, not because of you or how things are in Nairobi. If this never happened, I would never even think of coming back here until you were done with your term at the college."
I kissed her knuckles, and nodded, wanting to believe her, but a part of me felt that she was almost happy to have the excuse to stay.
She knelt between my knees and slipped her arms around my waist. "Drake, it isn't that I'm not happy in Nairobi. It's just that I couldn’t imagine being there while my father's life is at risk. I'm happy there, but if I thought my father was dying…"
"I know," I said and smiled, although I felt a deep sense of dread at her staying. "I'm being selfish. I want you there all the time. That's all."
I bent down and kissed her, needing to feel some kind of physical connection to her to reestablish our intimacy. Finally, I pulled away and helped her up.
"You better go help your father with his caffeine fix."
She kissed me once more and then left me in the waiting room.