CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
They brought Ethan back to his room on the ward in about an hour and so we took turns visiting with him. I stood outside and watched as Kate sat on the chair beside him, her hand in his, rubbing his skin with her thumb. She was speaking to him in a low voice and I wished I could listen and see what she was saying to her beloved father.
When she was done, Elaine went in and sat with him a while. I went to get us all a cup of coffee and Kate and I sat and talked about old times when Kate was growing up and how her father would take the entire family to the coast for holiday weekends of beach bonfires and lobster feasts. As usual, I was envious of Kate’s family life and childhood. It seemed idyllic compared to my own, which felt vacant and loveless compared to hers.
I made a commitment to myself that if – when – Kate and I had a family, that I would emulate Ethan, being there, being present for my wife and any children we might have so that they had such good memories.
My own childhood was stark by comparison after my mother left. I spent holidays alone with my caregivers. I was taken places, for sure. To the park, to the museum, to playgrounds, to the movies, but I was never with my father.
It was late Friday night when Kate finally said goodnight to Ethan and came out to the waiting room.
"We might as well go back to the apartment," I said, but I had this feeling that Kate wouldn’t want to leave.
"I'll sleep in the extra resident's bunk, if it's available," she said without looking me in the eyes.
I sighed. "I'll go check."
I left Kate and Elaine and went to the nursing station and used the phone to check whether the resident’s on-call room was free. It was, so I reserved it for the eight hour shift. I slipped down and got the key and then returned, handing it to Kate.
"At least let me sleep in there with you," I said. "I don’t want to go back to the apartment alone, especially on our last night here."
"You mean your last night here,” Kate said, her voice soft. “I'm not going back, Drake. I thought you’d already understand that. I can't go back to Nairobi now. Not after this setback."
I inhaled deeply and looked in her eyes for some sign that she might change her mind but there was none.
"No," I said, chopping my hand down, more upset than I realized at the prospect that Kate would not be coming back to Nairobi with me. "I don't want us to be separated. I told you that when I gave you that collar, and I meant it. Your father's better. Aaron said so."
"Drake," Kate said, her voice exasperated. "I have to stay."
"I have to go back. I've already taken a week off…"
"That's your choice."
I couldn’t look at Kate, not wanting her to see me so close to losing control. I felt so certain she’d be coming back to Nairobi with me since Ethan had been doing so well...
"My flight leaves tomorrow morning at 7:00, which means I have to be there at 5:30. I have to go to sleep now, if I'm going to make it,” I said with a heavy sigh. “I want to sleep with you."
Kate didn’t resist and so together, we walked to the resident's on-call room. I brushed my teeth in the staff washroom, using a toothbrush from the dispensary, while Kate undressed, slipping into bed wearing her t-shirt and underwear. I turned off the room light, and crept under the covers, sliding over closer to her.
I wrapped my arm around her from behind, and kissed the bite mark on her shoulder.
"I hate this," I said, my voice soft. "I hate leaving you. I hate going back to our home without you."
"I can't leave now," she said defensively.
"You could if you wanted," I said, unable to keep the hurt from my voice.
"You could stay."
I tossed and turned beside Kate, upset and unable to relax.
Sleep was a long time coming as I imagined returning to Nairobi alone, to our house alone, to our bed alone.
My cell alarm went off, waking me up with a start. I sat up and stretched, orienting myself to the location, remembering that I would be leaving very soon. My heart sunk at the prospect and I dragged myself out of bed with reluctance, and went to the bathroom to freshen up.
Kate took her turn in the bathroom while I went to get us both a cup of coffee. I needed the caffeine to wake me up after the horrible night I’d had, most of it restless, and getting very little sleep. I returned with two cups of coffee, and together we went up to the ICU to check on Ethan before I took a taxi to the airport. The duty nurse said that Ethan had a good night, with no further seizures and we would be able to see him after morning rounds.
"Can I pop in before I go?" I asked, leaning over the counter. "I have to leave now to catch a plane and won't be able to speak with Aaron."
She hesitated for a moment, but then she nodded. "Sure, Dr. Morgan. If you were still working here, he might even be one of your patients, so go ahead."
I slipped into the darkened room and stood by the bed beside Ethan. Elaine was slouched on a chair beside the bed, asleep. I leaned over Ethan and took his hand in mine, my fingers around his wrist so I could check his pulse. I glanced at my watch and counted.
Nice and steady.
“Well, Ethan,” I said, my throat choking up a bit at having to say goodbye to him so soon after his seizure. “I'm off to Nairobi in a few minutes, but I wanted to stop by and see you first.”
I glanced over his bulldog face, the salt and pepper brush cut, the jowls, the bristly eyebrows. There was still a bit of paralysis in the one side of his face, but it was improving steadily.
I leaned closer. “I just want to say thank you for everything you’ve done to help me with Kate. I can’t stand that I have to leave her here and if I could, you know I’d stay and wait until you were better before going back to Nairobi, but I can’t. Michael Owiti relies on me and there’s no one else who can do all of my surgeries. That’s why I’m there.”
I saw Ethan’s head nod just a touch as if he understood and approved. That made me feel somewhat better, but it wasn’t enough.
“I also want you to know,” I said, my voice lowering, tears biting the corners of my eyes, “that I love Kate more than anything. I’ll do everything in my power to make her happy. You can count on that. I learned from my mistakes and won’t make them again.”
Then I leaned down and kissed Ethan on the forehead. The good side of Ethan’s mouth turned up in a smile. He said something barely audible so I bent closer, my ear to his mouth.
“I’ll hold you to that,” he whispered. “If you ever hurt her, I’ll kick your ass.”
“Get better,” I said softly. “You’re like the father I wished I had.”
“You’re like a second son to me,” he said. “I admired your father, loved him like a brother. I see a lot of Liam in you. I’m so glad that you and Kate fell in love.”
“So am I,” I said, surprised at the outflow of emotion in me.
“You should know this,” he said, his voice starting to weaken. “Liam's one regret was that he failed to put your mother first in his life instead of his career. Don’t make the same mistake.”
I smiled and tears brimmed, blurring my vision.
“I won’t.”
I turned away quickly after squeezing his hand once more and left the room. I went to Kate but she wouldn’t look me in the eye.
Finally, I sighed. "Are you even going to say goodbye?"
Kate glanced away, biting her lip to stop from crying but her lip quivered with emotion.
"Kate, come back with me now,” I pleaded, filled with emotion—most of it regret and resignation. “I have two tickets."
She shook her head vigorously. "I can't,” she said, her voice breaking. “I have to stay."
"I have to go,” I said, but I felt that it was all so wrong. I should have been staying with her. We shouldn’t be separated. I wanted to be like Ethan and Elaine – inseparable.
Kate still wouldn't look at me so I reached down and lifted her up, kissing her deeply, hungrily, my arms wrapping around her in a tight embrace. Finally, I pulled away and set her back down.
Then I grabbed my coat and left.