Taylor hadn’t stayed for the rest of the game. As soon as she could, she wound her way through the arena and out to the parking garage. Her mom and Evie tried to come with her to make sure she was okay, but she just wanted to be alone. They thought she was headed to the hospital. She should have been going there. If she was a better person, she would have. Instead, she selfishly went back to her dorm. Abigail wasn’t there, so she was able to shut the door and block out the world.

Taylor tossed her coat and purse to the side as she leaned up against the solid door and slid her back down it until her butt hit the floor. Huge, ugly sobs came out of her small mouth as her chest heaved painfully. She clutched at the hem of her shirt and angrily kicked her shoes off, flinging them across the room.

It was a wonder she drove at all, let alone across the city to get home. She thought she’d be cried out by now, that her eyes couldn’t possibly hold any more tears after months and months of it. She wasn’t crying for Danny anymore, that was something. No, this was one hundred percent Josh. When he went down on that ice, she didn’t expect him to get back up. She knew that was morbid. She knew she needed more faith than that. But, she was operating off experience here.

Danny’s death had taught her that when something went wrong, it went really really wrong.

She should have known something was up with Josh. That day at the river stuck in her mind. He’d promised her he was okay.

Her mind took a turn into anger even though she knew that wasn’t fair. He was lying in a hospital bed, maybe alone. He was probably more scared than she was about what happened. She should be there. She knew that, but rationality wasn’t home. It didn’t exist behind a veil of tears.

She crawled across her floor and then climbed into bed, sinking into the mattress, falling asleep atop a pillow that was damp with tears.

A fist pounded on her door a few hours later, waking her from a fitful sleep. She groggily got to her feet and pulled it open.

Her dad instantly pulled her close and wrapped her in a tight hug. His eyes scanned her face, taking in her red rimmed eyes and streaked makeup.

“Sweetheart,” he breathed, resting his chin on top of her head.

“Dad,” she cried. “I don’t…” the rest of the words didn’t come.

“Shhh, it’s okay. Everything is going to be just fine.”

She pulled away from him and hurriedly cleared her stuff off the desk chair so he could sit.

“Have you…” she hesitated. “Did you see him?”

He nodded, smiling sadly. “He’s fine. It’s a heart condition.”

“Like Danny.” She thought she said it inaudibly, but his smile dropped, the pain of that time returning to his eyes. Her dad had loved Danny too. He loved all his players, but Danny was special. Just like Josh. She suddenly realized how her dad must have felt as he stood over Josh on the ice and looked down into his face. Did he have flashbacks too?

Reaching over, she took his hand and squeezed. This wasn’t like Danny. She knew that. She just had to make herself believe it. She nodded for him to continue.

“He’s okay now,” he finished. “They still have more tests, but they’re just glad they caught it before…”

“Yeah, I know.” She looked up at her dad, knowing she was about the do the most selfish thing she could. “Dad, I can’t deal with this.” He nodded, so she continued. “I just… I feel like I’m drowning. I love him, Dad.” She buried her face in her hands, and her whole body shook with sobs. “I need to get my head on straight, but I can’t be there for him while I do.”

She knew that every word out of her mouth was one she couldn’t take back.

“I need to get out of here.”

“Honey, what about school?”

“I don’t have any big tests and I can get the notes for most of my classes online.”

“You know what this will do to Josh?” he asked.

“Dad.”

She’d only ever had two important boyfriends, both of whom had also been important to her father. As much as he loved her, he was protective of them.

“Josh has spent months comforting me and helping me be me again. He doesn’t need someone like me around when he’s going through this. I can’t help him. I just… can’t.”

He reached out and cupped her cheek, wiping a tear away with his thumb. “Okay.”

He didn’t ask her where she was going. He knew. She was running to her best friend and the town where everything happened.

Her dad bought her a ticket for later that day before he hugged her once more and left, a sadness still weighing down his shoulders.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Mack was pacing back and forth at the foot of the bed.

He’d shown up early, not like Josh had actually been asleep. There hadn’t been much of that as the events of the day before kept him restless. Mack was Josh’s only teammate he’d agreed to see. Carter, Zak, and Olle all stopped by a few times, but he couldn’t be around them. Not now.

“You can’t be done.” Mack kept moving and looked over at his friend. His roommate. His favorite line-mate.

“Will you just stop?” Josh snapped. He couldn’t be the one to get this through Mack’s thick skull.

“But, we have so much more to do.” Mack stopped moving. “You and me. We’re going to light this league up. Coach finally put us together, and I’ve never felt better out there.”

“Well, I’m sorry for you.” Josh would admit it, he was feeling bitter and Mack wasn’t making it any better.

“Josher,” he ran a hand through his hair and looked away sadly. “I didn’t mean-”

“Can you just leave?” Josh asked, cutting him off. “Please.”

Mack sighed loudly and looked at Josh once more before hanging his head. “I’ll come back later.”

“Don’t. I’ll be out of here today.”

“Okay, see you at the apartment?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

Mack left, and Josh hated that he was relieved. He couldn’t be around any of his teammates right now. There was only one person he did want to be around.

When his call went unanswered, he sent her a short text.

I need to see you.

He didn’t know how long he stared at his phone, waiting for a response that wouldn’t come. He knew why she was avoiding him, but that didn’t make it any easier.

A part of him wanted to give up on her. He’d seen her through everything, and she was gone when he needed her the most. But, the other part of him knew that was unfair. She had deep scars that were probably being torn open right about now.

He suddenly found himself wishing she knew what she meant to him. Wishing he’d told her, especially if this was it for them.

Could she go through this again?

He selfishly wanted her to love him and no one else, knowing full well that a part of her died with Danny. Closing his eyes, he pictured her face - eyes smiling behind her glasses.

The doctor came in around lunch time.

“Hey, Josh,” she smiled. “How are you today?”

“Just wonderful,” he groused. “I don’t know why I had to stay all night.”

“Just keeping an eye on you.” Dr. Johnson tucked a strand of blond hair behind her ear and looked him in the eye. “I’ll cut to the chase here. I’m off your case. It seems that a…” she glanced at her papers. “Dr. Walker has requested your records. Relation to you?”

“That would be my father,” he sighed. Of course he’d want to oversee it himself.

“I just need you to sign these forms so we can send the records and get you discharged.” He took the clipboard and pen from her and scrawled his name on each form she’d marked before handing them back.

“Thank you. You are good to go.” She stuck out her hand, and he took it. “I hope it all works out.”

“Thanks, Doctor.”

When she left, he climbed out of bed and started putting his clothes on. As soon as he pulled his shirt down, there was a knock on the door. He turned hopefully, but dropped his smile when he saw who it was.

“Just what I need,” Josh mumbled.

“Hey, bro.” Ethan closed the door behind him and gave a tentative smile.

“Ethan.” Josh nodded, sitting on the corner of his bed. “What are you doing here?”

“You collapsed on the ice,” he said by way of explanation.

“You were watching?”

“Dad and I watch all your games.” He looked away uncomfortably.

The surprise must have shown on Josh’s face, because Ethan moved in closer.

“Doesn’t explain why you’re here.”

“You’re my brother,” he said quietly. “I got in the car and just started driving.”

Josh felt his controlled demeanor slipping as Ethan sat next to him and continued talking.

“Michaela called me after it happened. She was going to come.”

“But her wedding is in a few days.” Josh tried to laugh and failed.

“She loves you.” Ethan shrugged. “I told her I wanted to do it.”

Josh tried to ignore the meaning in Ethan’s words. He wasn’t good at situations like this. He wasn’t good at being Ethan’s brother, proving that the last time he was in town.

“Michaela’s mother would have chained her in her room if she tried to come,” he joked.

Ethan laughed lightly and Josh could hardly stand it. Just looking at Ethan brought a wave of guilt over how he’d treated him when his brother needed him the most. Ethan was here, showing up for Josh in a way that Josh hadn’t done.

In that moment, he would have given anything to go back in time to when they’d been close. A time when hockey had just been a game. When it’d been a seemingly unattainable dream. Not the thing that was tearing him apart.

His breathing became painful as a choked sob found its way out of his mouth. As tears stung his eyes, he waited for his brother to tell him to suck it up as he would have when they were kids. He’d have told him that only girls cry, and certainly not tough hockey players.

Those words never came. Instead, an arm wrapped around his shoulders. Ethan didn’t tell him it was going to be okay. He didn’t tell him he’d get over it. He let his brother do what he needed to do without judgment.

“It’s gone,” Josh finally said, trying to pull himself together and failing.

“I figured.”

“How?” Josh pulled back and wiped his face.

“I may have convinced the nurse that I was Doctor Walker and gotten a peek at your records.” He laughed, and Josh got a glimpse of the Ethan he’d known years ago, before the drugs. Charming. Smart. Future all-star doctor. “I saw the test and realized you wouldn’t be playing.” He shrugged. “Those couple years in med school were good for something.”

Josh wanted to laugh at his brother, but couldn’t. “I’m glad you’re on my side.”

“Me too.” He thought for a moment. “Maybe because the people you have in your corner scare me just a little bit. Michaela is a tough one. And I met that Maggie chick yesterday. I wouldn’t want to piss her off.”

“You probably will,” Josh said. “You piss everyone off.”

“True,” he grinned as he got to his feet. “Let’s get out of here. I’m taking you home.”

Josh looked around at the stark room once more before following his brother out.

“I just need to make a stop,” Josh said before giving Ethan directions.

He shouldn’t be doing this. It was desperate. It was pushy. Both things he knew Taylor wouldn’t respond to. He didn’t hold it against her that she stayed away from the hospital. He got it. But he could feel her slipping through his fingers, and he couldn’t lose everything.

She was the only thing that could pull him out of that dark place he felt himself slipping into. The place where he no longer had a direction, a purpose.

Taylor wasn’t answering her phone, so he called Abigail.

“She’s not here,” Abigail said when she answered.

“Do you know where she went?” he asked.

“No. I got back, and there was just a note that she was leaving for a few days. Try her parent’s place.”

“Okay, thanks.”

He had his brother turn around and head in the other direction.

“What’d you do?” Ethan asked.

“What?”

“If she’s not answering your calls, then that means she’s mad at you.”

“I didn’t do anything,” Josh snapped. He didn’t want girlfriend advice from someone who was worse at relationships than him.

“You must have.”

“God dammit, Ethan,” Josh suddenly broke and the anger that had been building up in him since his diagnosis came pouring forth. “I collapsed on the ice. That’s what I did, Asshole.”

“Man, that’s cold. She’s seriously upset about that?”

“You don’t understand.” As quickly as it came in, the anger was gone. Josh rested his head back and sighed. “When I went down, it must have brought back everything I‘ve tried so hard to help her forget. She watched her boyfriend die on the ice. The kid she was supposed to be with. I wish more than anything that I could give him back to her, but then some days I’m just glad that I get to have her, and that makes me feel like a selfish ass.” He closed his eyes and groaned as his brother continued to drive in silence.

“I’m in love with a girl who can’t possibly ever love me completely,” he said quietly. “And I knew that going in. What kind of masochist does that make me?”

A beat of silence passed before Ethan spoke.

“Do you remember when we were young, and I used to get on your case about your hockey obsession?” His voice was low, almost a whisper.

Josh regarded his quiet brother beside him, not really sure how that related to his admission. He did remember. Ethan could be cruel about it. Josh was always the focused one of the two. But, when Ethan was off chasing girls, Josh was training. He ended up making it to the NHL. It took a call from their dad to get Ethan into Harvard med.

Josh nodded slowly.

“Hockey mattered more than anything to you,” Ethan went on. “More than school. More than girls. More than your family.”

“That’s not true.”

“It is, but that’s not the point I’m trying to make. Josh, your career is probably over, and we’re in the car going after a girl. You’ve changed is all.”

“We haven’t known each other in a long time, Brother.”

“No, I guess we haven’t.”

A few months ago, Josh would have thought he imagined the sadness in his brother’s voice.

Before he could dwell on it too much, they pulled up outside Taylor’s parents’ house.

“I hope you find her,” Ethan said as Josh got out and strode up the walkway.

Me too, he told himself as he waited nervously for someone to answer the door.

The lock clicked and the door started to move, revealing Mrs. Scott with a grinning Evie beside her.

“Josh,” Mrs. Scott smiled warmly. “Come on in.”

“Thanks,” he said shakily. “Hey Ev.”

Evie reached her arms up with a giggle and Josh picked her up, giving her a hug, before putting her back down.

“Ev,” Mrs. Scott said. “Why don’t you go finish your movie?”

She started to protest, but her mom pushes her towards the living room as she led Josh into the kitchen.

Turning around, she said, “Oh sweetie, she isn’t here.”

The nerves in Josh’s stomach turned into a churning disappointment.

“Where did she go?” he asked.

“She’s with Sarah.” Mrs. Scott’s eyes held a sympathy that Josh suddenly couldn’t take anymore. He had to get out of there before he broke down.

“She left,” he said, more to himself than to her.

She nodded slowly. “You know how fragile she still is.” She spread her arms wide. “I wish it wasn’t like this, but I can only do so much for her. All I can say is, don’t give up on her quite yet.”

Josh walked back towards the front door, and it was all he could do to hold his head up. “She’s already done that. I can’t be the one to fix her this time. Not when I needed her to do the same for me.”

There were tears standing in Mrs. Scott’s eyes when he turned back to her.

“I’m sorry this is happening to you, Josh. Doug is torn up about it.”

“Thank Coach Scott for me, will you? For everything.”

She nodded, and he re-joined his brother.

“She wasn’t there?” Ethan asked.

“No,” he stated. “Let’s just pick up some of my things and get out of this city.”

Josh knew he shouldn’t be leaving just yet. He still had team obligations. They’d want meetings, and there’d be a press release, possibly a press conference. He had a contract, but in that moment, he wanted to get as much space between him and the team as possible. Space between him and hockey.

It felt like a divorce he hadn’t seen coming. He didn’t know how long it would take for him to forgive the game. For giving him what he wanted just long enough for him to taste it and then burning it to the ground.

“Damn it!” His fist collided with the dashboard and Ethan glanced sideways at him, but didn’t say a word.

Once they got some of his stuff from his apartment, they left Columbus behind.

Ethan said they were going home, but Josh couldn’t help but feel he was leaving it.