The image on the TV screen paused on a young boy as he skated across the ice.

“Damn thing,” Josh grumbled, pressing his thumb again and again on the play button. It remained stuck, pissing him off way more than it should have, and he threw the remote across the room. It hit the door frame and clattered to the ground, the battery cover popping off in the process.

He’d admit it, he was wallowing. And so freaking angry. It’d taken a few days for it to really hit him, and then it was like a truck with no breaks that dragged him along after the initial crash.

Three days. That’s how long he’d been home. His dad flew in the day he got there, cutting off a seminar he’d been giving at UCLA. That first day, he’d run the tests again, and the results were the same. He hadn’t expected anything different. He’d be on beta blockers for the rest of his life and had to avoid strenuous activities.

Strenuous activities. The game had been his life, and it had been boiled down to those two words. The medical description didn’t encompass the passion or the energy he’d loved so much.

The words had left his father’s mouth, and Josh hadn’t been able to think of much else. He’d kept to himself these past few days. Ethan was around, but gave him his space. His father was busy at the office, and his mother was never one to hang around the house.

Then there was Michaela. She’d called. He hadn’t answered. She’d called again. Tomorrow was her wedding, and he’d suit up and perform his groomsmen duties with a smile on his face. But, tomorrow wasn’t today. Today he was angry. Today he was sad. Today he felt sorry for himself.

He got off his bed and crossed the room to unplug the USB drive from his TV and plug it in again, hoping that’d solve the problem.

He couldn’t believe his father kept all of these videos. Yesterday he’d been on his dad’s computer in his office and found a folder titled Josh. It contained videos of him from when he first learned to skate, on up through midget hockey, and ending with some YouTube videos of Josh Walker - NHL player extraordinaire.

His feet were sluggish as he walked towards the door and stooped to pick up the remote, sliding the back on as he did. Pointing it at the TV, he got the video started again. This time it was his midget team on the ice. He was probably about ten years old and cocky as hell when he scored. In those leagues, he’d been the best. It wasn’t until he got to juniors and played with better competition that he realized he wasn’t as good as he thought.

He skipped the videos of him as a Jacket, those were still too raw.

Watching himself as a Portland Winterhawk brought up a whole other load of shit. All his feelings for Taylor reared their ugly head, tinged with more hurt and anger than he wanted to acknowledge. He pushed it down and clicked off the TV.

“Screw the melodrama,” he said to no one in particular, not realizing he wasn’t alone.

“I agree,” Michaela said from the doorway. She leaned against the frame with her arms crossed over her chest. “Screw it all.” She smirked.

Josh sat up, smiling slightly. “Mic.”

She ran across the room in a heartbeat and jumped onto his bed, landing on her knees. Leaning forward, she wrapped her arms around him.

“Good to see you too.” He laughed. 

“I’ve just missed you.” She leaned back to examine him. “One dinner in five months is not nearly enough.”

“Well, I guess I’ll have all the time in the world to hang out with you now.”

“Nuh-uh… don’t do that. You are not going to be a piss ant this week.”

“Piss ant?” He laughed. She punched him and he stopped. “Fine, you’re right. You’re getting married tomorrow. It’s a happy time.”

“I didn’t mean because of my wedding, dumbass. What happened sucks. Really bad. But it’s not like you can change it.”

“Anyone ever tell you you’re kinda mean?” he asked. 

“Chris does every day.” She winked at him.

“How is your brother?” 

“You can see for yourself. He sent me over here to stop this…” She gestured to the remote in his hand. “And to bring you to lunch with us. Ethan’s coming too.”

His eyebrows shot up, and she lifted one shoulder in a shrug. “We’re working through some stuff,” she said as a way of explaining. “We’ve known each other for so long. You, me, Chris, Ethan - we’re family.”

“And now Jason,” he said.

Her smile stretched as far as it could go as she nodded. “And now Jason.” 

“Don’t forget Maggie and Elijah.” He laughed. “Maggie might kick your ass if you do.”

“We’re going to need a bigger boat.” She laughed as she stood and pulled him up with her.

“Yeah, like a cruise ship.” 

He slipped into his shoes and grabbed his coat off the hook by the door before following her out. 

“Come on.” She hooked her arm through his. “Let’s get there before Chris and Ethan eat all the chow.” 

“Aren’t I the one who’s supposed to be the athlete in the family?” 

“Not anymore.”

Josh pinched her in the arm and she yelped.

“Too soon?” She laughed. 

“Just a bit.”

“You know it’s going to be okay, Josh, right?” she asked, suddenly serious. “You’re going to be okay.” 

“That depends.”

“On?” 

“What happens next.”

Josh woke early the next morning. He’d ended up spending the rest of the day before with Michaela and Chris, finishing up a few wedding things. It was the distraction he’d needed, and now he was ready to face everyone else.

The rational part of him knew that the people at the wedding wouldn’t know his career was over before it’d even really started. But there was something about standing up in front of hundreds of people in a town where your success was all that mattered. The wedding of Michaela Matthews was a big-time event. Well, soon enough he’d have to face a lot more than just this town. Try the entire hockey community.

He’d already gotten a few texts from guys he knew across the league, mostly guys he played with in juniors. That was only the start of it. The team was only saying it was an upper-body injury. When the news broke that it was so much more, he wouldn’t be able to escape it.

Ethan and their mother were already at the table, eating breakfast, when Josh came down.

“Morning, Mom,” he said, bending to give her a kiss on the cheek.

She looked at him with surprised skepticism as he straightened up and sat next to her.

“What’s up, Ethan?” he asked with a nod.

“Someone’s in a good mood.” Ethan caught his mother’s eye before glancing back at Josh.

“Molly,” their mother called with a wave of her hand.

Molly, one of the maids, appeared a moment later with a plate of food for Josh. He looked at her and smiled.

“Thanks, Mols.” She’d been working for them most of his life. When he was younger, there were many, many early morning hockey practices and games she’d driven him to. His parents weren’t the type to do that, but they’d provided someone who would.

Molly ran her hand over his head in sympathy until his mother’s scowl made her disappear.

Josh wanted more than anything for people to stop acting like that around him. It only made everything harder when he knew they all felt sorry for him. His smile wavered, dropping altogether for a quick moment, before he forced it again. He was determined not to bring the day down. Today wasn’t about him.

“I’ve got to eat quickly before I head off to meet up with Jason, Chris, and Elijah,” he said in between bites.

“Do you need the car?” his mother asked. “Because I have a hair appointment this afternoon.”

“I can drive myself.” He didn’t want to get her hackles raised, so he didn’t say he actually preferred to do things for himself. He’d been that way since he moved away at sixteen. There was no independence in his house, and he hated it.

“So,” Ethan began slowly. “Michaela invited me today.”

“Really?” Josh didn’t bother to hide his surprise.

Their mother looked like she wanted to say something, but restrained herself. She was going to the wedding, and she’d been pretty terrible to Michaela in the past. But, Ethan was worse.

“Are you going?” Josh asked the question that suddenly stifled the room.

Ethan looked down at his food before pushing his plate back and standing up. He set his napkin on the table. “I didn’t think it’s such a good idea,” he answered, avoiding eye contact with both of them. “I have to go to a meeting.”

Josh could tell by his demeanor exactly what kind of meeting his brother was headed to. The anonymous kind. He’d been so sucked into his own mess, he hadn’t even thought about how hard this day would be on Ethan. It wasn’t that he was still in love with Michaela, but it must have brought the past back into the present.

Josh shook his head, but made no move to follow him. He wasn’t what his brother needed.

His mother made an excuse to leave soon after, and Josh finished his breakfast in silence. He smiled into his forkful of eggs. It was this scene that felt very familiar. This scene that felt like home. Being alone in a big house when you were never really alone. The maids started clearing the table, and he left as well.

Groomsmen duties were easy. He didn’t have to help Jason get dressed. Didn’t have to go to any makeup or hair appointments. They were expected for a lot fewer pictures than the bridesmaids. There was no stress.

Basically, the four men just hung out all day. It felt like old times in New York. Josh never used to drink because of his game, but that wasn’t stopping him anymore, so he was able to have a beer with the guys. They went to the beach and toasted Jason’s wedding.

About an hour before the ceremony, they’d donned their suits, matching black with light blue ties and a single yellow flower pinned to their jackets.

The ceremony itself was everything Josh had expected. Hundreds of people crowded into a large, old church downtown. The late afternoon sun streamed through stained glass windows, casting various colors about the room.

It wasn’t nearly as uncomfortable standing in front of so many people as Josh had expected. Probably because he watched Michaela with the pride of a brother, a best friend. Her dress was simple, with a high neckline and an open back. The lacy train flowed out behind her as she walked. Her red hair hung down her back in ringlets.

He had a small pang of regret as he watched her look into Jason’s eyes with such love and trust. It was what he’d envisioned with Taylor since the first time he kissed her.

The reception was at the country club in their grand ballroom. A balcony ran around the entire room, looking down onto the tables and dance floor. It was all very nice, but he couldn’t help thinking it wasn’t Michaela. She’d have been happy with forty people and a barbecue on the beach, not an event that would light up the society pages. She’d left the plans up to her mother, though. She’d told him once last summer that all she wanted was to be married to Jason. She didn’t care how.

Those words stuck in his mind as he scrolled through his phone. Was it worth it being angry with Taylor? He hadn’t texted her in a couple of days, deciding it was easier to just let go. That’s what she obviously wanted.

He didn’t do easy.

Finding her name, he sent her a single line.

I miss you, Tay.

Then he put his phone away and decided to go down into the party.

Michaela had wanted a summer wedding, but her mother nixed that idea. Winter was classic, she’d told her. So winter colors made up most of the decorations. Blues and greens appeared in the flowers, centerpieces, even in some of the lighting. Josh smiled as he spotted yellow woven into some of the pieces. Michaela had at least won on something.

He enjoyed himself all through dinner and the toasts. The dancing started soon after and he was left alone at his table, not in the mood.

Checking his phone, he found no responses, so he put it on the table. Michaela showed up a little while later and tugged on his arm.

“Are you allowed to dance with me, or are you going to like keel over or something?” she asked with that feisty glint in her eye that he knew so well.

“You are the only person I know who makes fun of heart conditions.” He laughed as she led him to the dance floor.

She shrugged. “It’s my wedding. I can do what I want.”

“Then how can I say no to a dance?”

“You can’t.”

He laughed as she put her arms up around his neck. Beside them, Jason was dancing with his cousin Maggie. He gave him a wink, telling Josh this was more than just a dance.

“Alright,” he said finally. “I know you have something to say to me.”

“Why are you being all you tonight?” she asked. “I mean, you’re never the most cheery guy, but the seriousness is on a whole other level.”

“I’m sorry.” He rested his head on her shoulder. “Let’s not talk about this at your wedding. I’ll try harder to be less like myself.” His joke fell flat when she didn’t laugh.

“Like I said, it’s my wedding. We’ll talk about whatever I want.”

“I just…” He lifted his head and looked around. “I feel like everything is closing in on me.”

“Okay,” she said slowly. “If it’s the wedding that’s messing with your head, this must be about the girl.”

“I love her so much I can’t breathe.” His back shuddered with the admission and Michaela stopped moving to look up at him.

“Then fight for her.”

“I think I need her to fight for me this time.”

Michaela nodded in understanding before pulling him into a hug without saying another word.

She was soon pulled away to perform more of her bridal duties, and he went back to the table.

Josh scrubbed a hand over his tired eyes and through his too-long hair. He’d have to get it cut soon. His teammates used to give him grief for the way it stuck out beyond the bottom of his helmet, not like he had to worry about that anymore.

The screen on his phone lit up, and Josh almost didn’t look. At first, he thought it was probably just Ethan wondering how the wedding went, but then something told him it wasn’t. Some inane hope he’d been holding on to.

He held the phone in the palm of his hand as his eyes fell on the name Taylor Scott and the message below it.

I miss you too.

Closing his eyes for a brief moment, a smile spread slowly across his face and then he looked at the message again. It’d been radio silence since he went down on the ice. He’d had no word from her. No response to any of his messages. He’d been ready to give up, unable to be the one always fighting. Fighting for her to be whole again. Fighting for her to smile. Fighting for her to love him.

He was exhausted, and a single text energized him. He was done, and it made him want to start all over again. She had such control over him and he wasn’t even ashamed.

Leaning back in his chair, he watched Michaela as Jason spun her around the dance floor. This time, his smile was genuine.