Chapter Three: Engage
"You can't be serious."
"I can, and I am," Sorrin said, not pausing in his packing for a second.
"Alright, that's fair, let me rephrase. You can't do this."
"Same answer."
Poola groaned and dragged fingers through her long, red hair. "Sorrin, do you know what you're asking me to do here? Why can't you just take your own ship?"
He shook his head, finally glancing up at her. She was an old friend, one of the former members of the Queen's Men who had left before the Camadors had been able to destroy most of them in one single battle. Now she worked in private security, though Sorrin knew for a fact that she had kept all of her contacts in the warrior band and still sometimes had access to the resources of someone who served a Senator.
"It would never make it," Sorrin said shortly.
"Of course it wouldn't! It's Earth. Do you have any idea how far away that is?"
Sorrin gave her a flat look. As if he hadn't spent the last several days calculating the distance between here and there and how long it would take him to cross into a warp path that would get him there fast enough. As if he hadn't planned every single aspect of this trip already.
"Alright, stupid question," she said and then sighed, crossing to rest a hand on his shoulder. "Sorrin. Stop a moment."
"What, Poola? Either you're going to help me or you're not, and if you're not, then I need to go find someone who will. So I don't have time for whatever it is you're trying to do."
"I'm trying to get you to listen to me! I know you feel responsible for this--"
"I am responsible for this."
"You're not, though, but let me finish. This isn't your fight, Sorrin. No one's heard from any Camador in years. No one knows what they've been doing or where they've been hiding. They could have alliances, better weapons, or stronger shields. You have no idea what you're trying to walk into here. And even if you did, you're just one person! How do you expect to fight them when..." She trailed off, but Sorrin knew what she was going to say.
"When I failed the last time?"
"Everyone failed the last time. It wasn't only you."
He shook his head at her. No one understood. Very few of the people who had been there were left alive, and no one had the same drive that he had. His friends, his companions, his family had all been killed by these smiling monsters, and no one understood that he wouldn't be able to rest until they were dead.
"It's only me now," he said. "And I have to do this."
"No, you don't!" she insisted. "You can leave them to it. Whatever they're doing on Earth of all places is probably years in the making at this point. For all we know, they've been hiding there this whole time. And what are you going to do, shuffle in and tell them to stop? Get revenge on an entire race of people by yourself. You're not thinking clearly, and you know it. For years, you've been driven by this...this hate, this need for vengeance, and it's going to get you killed, Sorrin. I don't want more of my friends to end up dead."
There was a twinge of remorse from him at those words. The people that they had lost in the first battle had been Poola's friends, too. They'd been people that the pair of them had trained with, served with, fought with, and now they were gone. To tell the truth, Sorrin wasn't sure he was going to come back from this self-assigned mission, and to be even more honest, he didn't care. This wasn't about him or his survival. This was about finally settling this once and for all.
"Poola," he said softly. "I understand what you're trying to say."
"But it doesn't matter." It wasn't a question.
"No," Sorrin said honestly.
She sighed again, tugging at her hair in her frustration with him. Sorrin let her do whatever she needed to, including punching him hard in the arm. He didn't even flinch, just continued to hold her gaze.
The noise of defeat she made had him smiling just a bit. "Fine. Fine, you stubborn-" Poola huffed. "I'll see what I can do. It won't be pretty or luxurious, nothing like what you were used to back in the day, but it'll get you to Earth in one piece. I can't vouch for you getting back, though."
"That's fine," he said. "I know someone who can help me make sure it's sound for the journey there, and I'll worry about getting back when the time comes."
"Right." She was clearly not convinced that he cared about getting back at all. Sorrin couldn't blame her for that. "Right. Give me two days. Or is that not quick enough, Your Impatience?"
Sorrin reached out and clasped her arm in his hand. "It's fine. Thank you, Poola."
"Don't. I'm not exactly thrilled to be party to helping to send you to your death." Poola hesitated for a moment and then spoke again. "Are you going to say goodbye to Halphia?"
That was the question he had been wrestling with for the entire time that he'd known where the Camadors were. It had been a long week and a half so far, full of scouring the news for any other information he could get and gathering the supplies he would need for the trip. A ship was all that was standing between him and making the journey now, and so he'd contacted Poola to see if she could help him. He hadn't expected her to show up on his doorstep demanding answers before she did anything to help.
He had, however, expected her to bring up Halphia. The Senator of Gollen Par had been more than just his boss and the political leader of the place he'd called home. Halphia had been...it felt odd to call her his best friend, but there wasn't another term he could think of that fit.
They had confided in each other in a way that Sorrin had never known before. She'd trusted him with her confidences, with her insecurities, and he in turn had done the same with her. Sorrin was her closest adviser, closer even than the people who were actually paid to advise her, and she'd consulted him for his opinion on nearly every matter of importance.
It had been Sorrin who'd told her they should attack the Camadors. He'd been hopped up on a cocktail of confidence in his squad and youthful arrogance born of the kind of surety that came with winning battles consistently. He'd been so sure.
And in the end, it had been the wrong call. It was the worst decision Sorrin had ever made, and the fault was his, even though the blame was rested on Halphia's shoulders. And she'd never complained about it. A burden of leadership, she'd called it. That was what had driven Sorrin away in his disgrace.
He'd prostrated himself at her feet and told her he had to leave, and she'd let him go.
And now...
Now he might never see her again.
"Sorrin," Poola said gently. "Don't leave without talking to her. You know how it would make her feel. And how it would make you feel, but I doubt you care too much about your own feelings at this point."
Poola always had seen him far too clearly.
"Alright," he said.
The trip to Gollen Par was a short one from the place he was staying. Just a day trip, made in his personal shuttle while Caldir looked over the one that Poola had secured for him for the trip to Earth.
It'd been four years since he'd last come here, and it looked much the same as it had when he'd left. Minus the smoke of still smoldering fires on the horizon and the charred remnants of buildings that had burned.
Instead, things were shiny and new, a testament to how the citizens of Gollen Par were dedicated to making sure their home was a good place to live.
The first sight of it through the window of his shuttle stole his breath for several seconds, and he stared. The bright crystal on the top of the Senate building was still cracked and smoky, an ever present reminder of what had happened, but the building itself was restored to its former glory. Triumph over adversity, but never forgetting that things could go bad. The kind of message that Halphia would want to send to her people.
It made Sorrin want to smile and cry at the same time.
The building had new carpeting and new windows and new wooden paneling, and Sorrin stepped inside and looked around. He felt like running away, like he couldn't get enough air, like he needed to be anywhere but here.
"Sorrin?"
In the middle of his crisis, a familiar voice cut through, and he looked up to see Donar, Halphia's aide standing there with his ever present tablet and a shocked expression.
Sorrin tried to arrange his face into something other than a pained grimace. "Donar."
"You're here."
"So it would seem." Honestly, Sorrin was as surprised as Donar sounded. When Poola had mentioned it, he'd thought it for the best that he just leave, but the more the idea turned over in his mind, the more he realized he couldn't just go without saying something to Halphia. If he died on Earth and never even let her know that he was going to try and make things right, he'd feel terrible. Worse than he already felt, honestly. "Is the Senator available?"
Donar frowned and then shook his head as if to clear it. He checked the tablet and then nodded. "She has a meeting in two hours, but she's free now. I believe she'll just be finishing lunch. You're here to...speak with her?"
"Yes," Sorrin said, nodding.
Looking like there was more he wanted to say, Donar settled for just nodding and then motioning for Sorrin to follow him.
Though the building had been remodeled in the last four years, the path to Halphia's office was the same. Sorrin didn't even need to follow Donar, as his feet remembered the twists and turns that led them deeper into the building and right to the center until they were in front of the handsome door, finished in dark wood, though it had the same sensors as the rest of the building save the outermost doors.
Donar pressed the button to bring up the speaker and then spoke into it. "Senator Halphia, there's a visitor." He glanced at Sorrin, seemingly torn over whether to tell her who her visitor was or not.
"Is it someone worth interrupting my break for?" Halphia responded, and even the sound of her voice over the speaker was enough to kick Sorrin's heartrate up a notch, making him feel ill. She was still the same, then. Bright and happy and irreverent. People had always said that she was an odd choice for Senator, young and carefree as she was when she was elected, but she cared about the people fiercely, devoting her time and energy and resources to making sure they had what they needed.
"I believe so," Donar was saying, and then the door was sliding open. Donar looked at Sorrin. "She will be surprised," he said, and then strode away.
Sorrin stood in the open doorway, almost afraid to move. His stomach was a mess of fluttering and rolling, and he clenched his hands into fists at his side, dragging in a deep breath. Four years and a tragedy stood between him and the woman inside the office, and he was aware that he didn't know her like he'd known her before. He wasn't the same man he'd been back then, and part of him was terrified that she would hate who he'd become.
He stepped in, anyway. One thing that hadn't changed was that he never let his fear control him.
"Halphia," he said, voice inaudible to even his own ears. And there she was.
One of the comments some of the more conservative members of the galactic Senate made was that she was too pretty to be a leader. She was beautiful, that was certain, though it had never affected her leading style. Her hair tumbled down her back in silvery curls, held back from her face by a headband that rested just behind the neat pair of small horns on her head. Her skin was dark and just slightly shimmery, and her eyes were a bright blue. Her pert little nose was wrinkled as she looked down at the screen embedded in her desk, and she looked to all the world like she was working on something important, but Sorrin knew she was really reading some mystery serial. Unless she was in one of her romance phases again.
She looked up when he stepped fully inside, and her eyes went wide.
"Sorrin," she breathed, shock written all over her pretty face.
"Senator."
Halphia's eyes narrowed at that. "Don't."
"Excuse me?" Sorrin's heart was still racing.
"Don't call me that. Don't come in here with your deference like you never meant anything to me, Sorrin."
He blinked, confused. "I thought..."
"I know what you thought. I know what you think. I know how you think. If you remember, Sorrin, I am the person who knows you best. Or I was, at the very least." She averted her eyes, but not quickly enough for Sorrin to miss the look of pain that flashed through them. It only made him feel worse, and he was beginning to wish he hadn't come.
"Halphia." That was better, that was easier. He wasn't the same person he'd been before, but somehow being on the same terms with her as he'd been before felt natural.
"Better," she said, and she got to her feet.
She was much shorter than his seven or so feet of height, and her head would rest nicely under his chin if she hugged him.
She did not hug him.
Instead, she came forward and hit him right in the stomach with a small fist. It didn't hurt, really, not with the muscle he had there, but he staggered back anyway, letting her make her point.
"Where in the void have you been?" she demanded, stepping back and propping her hands up on her hips. "You resign from my service and then just disappear? Who does that?"
"I told you I was leaving!"
"You didn't say it would be forever!" she fired back. "Take some time to clear your head and come to terms with what happened, sure, but you never said I wasn't going to see you again."
"You're seeing me now," Sorrin pointed out.
Halphia gave him a look. "I know why you're here."
"You do?"
"Of course I do. I told you, I know how you think. You're here because the Camadors have resurfaced. If I know you like I think I do, then you're going after them."
Sorrin exhaled messily and nodded. "I am. I owe them after what they did here."
Something in Halphia's face softened at his words, and she sighed. "Sorrin, will you carry that for the rest of your life? It was a tragedy, yes, but you don't have to let it weigh you down. You don't have to do this."
It was the same thing Poola had told him for the most part, and Sorrin made a frustrated noise. "That isn't what I came to discuss," he said. She wasn't going to change his mind any more than Poola had, and he didn't want to go around in circles discussing it with her.
"Then why are you here, Sorrin?"
"I thought you said you knew."
She gave him an arch look and shook her head. "Perhaps I want to hear it from you. You came all this way to say it, did you not?"
"It wasn't that long of a journey."
"That is beside the point."
It was just like old times, honestly. Her wit was unmatched, and she'd never let him win a verbal sparring match to date. Sorrin had always admired her for that. Small and female she might have been, but she was no pushover, and she bowed to no one.
She wanted to hear him say it, and it was the reason he was there in the first place, so he drew himself up and let out a soft sigh. "Halphia, I'm going after them. And...I don't expect to be coming back."
There. He'd said it. He'd said it, and he knew that she was going to hit him again or else yell at him or something, so he braced himself for that.
And continued to brace himself.
And then stared at her when she didn't respond at all.
Instead she was just watching him with that same look of hurt and sadness in her eyes that she'd had when he'd walked out of the remnants of her office years ago. Sorrin knew that she'd taken it personally, even though that hadn't been his intention. He hadn't been leaving her, just her service, and even though he wasn't leaving her now, he knew she felt the same way. He shouldn't have come.
"Halphia-"
She cut him off by lifting an imperious hand.
"You're going after them," she repeated. "And you don't expect to be back. Sorrin, what is wrong with you? Do you think your death is going to bring back those we lost? Do you think it will restore your comrades to life? Your family? Do you think any one of them wished for your demise in their last moments?" He had expected her to yell at him, but her voice was even and flat, like she was just tired, and it was Sorrin's turn to sigh.
"That isn't the point. I know I can't bring them back. All I can do is avenge their deaths."
"This isn't vengeance," she said, and it was in that same tone. "This is a suicide mission. And a selfish one at that. No one, absolutely no one will benefit from you doing this, and yet you're going to do it anyway because you only care about yourself."
"That isn't true."
She snorted. "Isn't it? When you could have stayed here and helped rebuild, you fled. When the people could have used your help, you were gone."
"I was injured."
"You got better, clearly! You're standing here before me, looking like every bit the warrior you were when you left four years ago. You could have come back." Now her voice dropped to something resembling a whisper. "I thought you were going to come back."
It hit him then, that Halphia had needed him. She'd been in charge of all of this, the entire city and its reconstruction, the funerals and all the mourning that had no doubt happened. Her own feelings had been pushed aside so she could be there for her people, and no one had been there for her. That was Sorrin's role, traditionally. As her friend, he was the one who went to her and made sure she had someone to vent to at the end of a long day or when the rest of the Senate was being impossible to work with. Or when tragedy struck. She'd relied on him heavily, and he hadn't been there.
It was a wonder that she'd let him in at all. This was just another failure. Something he'd messed up to the point of not being able to fix it. People kept telling him that it wasn't his fault this or that happened, but they didn't see. His carelessness, his selfishness was just making everything worse.
"I shouldn't have come."
When Halphia looked up, her eyes were blazing, and she was truly mad now. "Is that what you heard?" she demanded. "Honestly, I don't know what happened to you, Sorrin. Or rather, I suppose I do, but it just makes me so sad for you. You're going to throw your life away for no reason, you act like you have no right to be here when this was your home for so long. You just don't understand, and I don't know how to make you see. I missed you. Do you understand that? I missed you like I was missing a limb, and I kept telling myself that it would be fine because you were coming back. I saw how upset you were. I saw how much Gollen Par meant to you and how much what happened affected you, and I knew you were going to want to make it right. So I waited. And I waited. And you never came back."
“I know.” There wasn’t anything else to say, really. They both knew what had happened, and they both knew what was going to happen now, and there was really no way to make it different. Sorrin had failed. He’d failed the city, he’d failed Halphia time and time again, and now he was going to make sure that he couldn’t fail anyone again.
“Why are you here?” she asked again.
“I wanted to say goodbye.”
“You said goodbye the first time,” she pointed out. “If you never meant to come back, then why say it again now?”
Sorrin didn’t have an answer for that. Telling her that Poola had suggested it was the wrong response, and he knew that. There wasn’t much he could really say to make her understand why he’d needed to do what he did. So he went with honesty in a different way. “Because I wanted to see you again before the end of it. I wanted you to know that I…” That he what? That he was going to do this for her? For the people? That he’d be thinking of her to his last? “That you were the best friend I ever had.”
A war took place on Halphia’s face, then. She looked like she desperately wanted to stay angry with him, but just couldn’t bring herself to do it, and finally she gave in and let the tears well in her eyes. She’d missed him, she said, and Sorrin could see it now. He could see how much she wanted to ask him to stay, and he could see that she knew he wouldn’t.
There were no more words between them. Sorrin took the initiative and stepped closer, enveloping her in a hug. Halphia was still for a moment, and then she sighed and hugged him back. They both pretended like she wasn’t crying.
“She’s all done,” Caldir said when Sorrin walked up to the roof. He was grinning and covered in grease, so Sorrin was sure that he’d gone and done things ‘the old fashioned way’. That was fine. There wasn’t anyone else around that he was going to trust with making sure a ship was good enough to get him all the way to Earth, so if Caldir said she was done, then she was done.
Assuming ships had genders, which he usually didn’t.
“You’re sure?” he asked, because he wanted to hear the rundown of what had been done.
“Of course I’m sure. What in the void do I look like here?”
Caldir rolled his eyes without waiting for a response and motioned Sorrin to come forward. They were using the roof as a sort of launch pad for the ship, and it was a wonder their landlord hadn’t complained about it yet. Sorrin meant to be gone before she could start. It was the only place that had enough room for the ship, since it was much larger than his personal vessel and wouldn’t fit in the hangar where he parked it.
The ship wasn’t pretty, that was for sure. Poola hadn’t been kidding about the state of it, but he hadn’t had to pay for it or the fuel that it would take to get him to Earth (“They think you’re establishing a trade route, and they support that,” Poola had told him when she’d dropped it off; he hadn’t asked who ‘they’ were).
He followed the smaller man around the outside of the ship, taking in the details of it for the first time. Before, he’d just left it and told Caldir to do what he could, but now he was actually seeing the ship and learning it before he’d have to fly it to Earth.
It was a large, dinged up thing, painted a rust brown. Either that or it was just that color naturally. It looked like a bulb of some kind, pointy in the front and then bulbous towards the back, ending in thrusters that shot out the back. It didn't look like it would move as fast as one of the ships he was used to from his days as a warrior, but it would do the trick.
"No windows," Caldir commented. "Except for the big one up front, there. The autopilot looks...functional, but I don't think I'd rely on it for more than a little bit. You might set it for Earth and end up on Erephina. Climate control's in great shape, and everything else seems to be working well enough."
"Weapons?" Sorrin wanted to know.
Caldir snorted. "What kinda ship do you think this is? This baby isn't for fighting, Sorrin. It's for transport, usually the transport of goods. There's one bedroom, maybe two if you squint, and the cargo's empty, but it smells like someone was transporting animals back there. So, you know, have fun with that."
It was fine. It was all fine. Whatever he had to do to get to Earth, he'd do. Ride in a ship that wasn't made for this, leave his life behind, let everyone think he was insane for still chasing this. He knew this was his calling, the only reason he was still alive, and a little set back or slow down wouldn't kill him.
"Thank you, Caldir," he said, bowing at the waist to the smaller man in gratitude. "Your help has been invaluable."
For the first time since they'd met, Sorrin got to see Caldir look flustered. His eyes were wide, and a flush spread over his face. He flapped his hand at Sorrin and shook his head. "Cut that out. It was no problem, really. I like messing around with stuff like this, and it was fun. Can't have you dropping outta the sky halfway to Earth or anything, can we?"
"I'd rather not have that happen, no," Sorrin replied. "Which is why I appreciate your efforts."
Caldir was still blushing and he kept shaking his head as he moved to head back into the building, clearly uncomfortable with this show of gratitude from Sorrin. "Whatever, man. Like I said, no big deal. I'll see you." He stepped through the door that would lead back to the inside of the building, and then stopped. He turned around and gave Sorrin an odd look. "I guess I won't, will I? That's weird."
"What?"
"I won't see you. Because you'll be gone, right? You're leaving? Not coming back."
"No," Sorrin said. "I won't be coming back."
"And that's really weird. You're like this...fixture, you know? Like a grumpy chair or something."
Sorrin fixed him with a flat look. "A grumpy chair."
"You know what I mean! We're not friends, not really. I don't think you even know how to have friends anymore, but you're always here. Always around. I get under your skin and you tell me I'm a pest or whatever, and it's...I dunno. It's like a ritual. One of those things I always do when I get home from work. And now you're not gonna be here."
He had a point, Sorrin supposed. While the two of them were far from friends, because Caldir was right, Sorrin didn't have friends anymore, really, but they were a part of each other's lives. They chatted sometimes, Caldir needled him, Sorrin snapped back. It was a ritual, a routine, and while Sorrin was relatively certain he could live without it, he hadn't realized the impact he was making on Caldir's life. He sighed.
"I'm sorry."
"For what?" Caldir asked, looking bewildered. "For leaving? You were always gonna leave."
"For getting involved with your life. That was never my intention."
Caldir rolled his eyes, looking completely baffled and annoyed at the same time. "Great stars," he said. "You really will let yourself feel guilty for anything, won't you? I'm not upset about it, you sourslug. I'm just making a point. Just talking. I'll miss you. Maybe."
"You'll forget me." He hoped that was true. It would be for the best. The whole point of moving out here had been to avoid people, to avoid getting anyone mixed up with him again. For their own safety.
"I don't think so. Gonna say goodbye to your biggest fan?"
Sorrin didn't need him to clarify who he was talking about. "No," he said. "It's better if I don't. If I just leave, and things go back to normal."
"You really don't get it. You don't get anything. Having you here was normal. It's you leaving that's gonna be weird, and before you say anything, I know you were always gonna leave. I get that. Anyway, I wouldn't count on her not noticing you're leaving. She's weirdly in tune with what you do."
Sorrin didn't think much of that as he went back to his apartment to make his final preparations. He had several things left to do before he could leave, and he planned to be gone in the early hours of the morning while people were still sleeping. It was easier that way.
He'd gone down to the landlady's office to turn in his key card and tell her he wouldn't be coming back, and on his way back up, he ran smack dab into Amalda.
Sorrin hated it when Caldir was right.
"Oh!" she said, stepping back, but not without 'steadying' herself against his chest with one hand first. Sorrin wasn't imagining the caress to his muscles, he was sure of it. "Sorrin. I didn't see you there."
"That's quite alright," he said stiffly, stepping back himself. "Have a good evening." Maybe if he hurried...
"Are you going somewhere?"
Great Creators, she was persistent.
"Yes," he said simply. "And I should get back to my preparations."
"Vacation or visiting family?"
Sorrin just gave her a flat look. If she knew anything about him at all, she'd know why that was an idiotic question. "Neither."
"Oh. Something for work, maybe?"
"No."
"Oh. Well, when will you be back? I was thinking that we could-"
"I won't," Sorrin said, cutting her off. Letting her get herself all worked up about this wasn't going to do either of them any favors, and he wanted to make sure she was aware that waiting for him was a stupid thing to do.
She looked taken aback. "What?"
"I won't be coming back," he clarified. He didn't think it needed any more explanation than that, so he started walking again, stepping around her as he made his way back to his apartment, already reviewing his mental to do list on the way. This was for the best. All Sorrin did was disappoint people. He'd proven that with what had happened with Halphia and the way she'd looked at him as he'd stepped out of her office for the last time ever.
It was better if he just did his duty and then let things lie. No one else would get hurt or have to deal with him letting them down. Since clearly that was all that he was good for.
But, like so many other things, there was no use dwelling on this. He had a mission, a job to do, and it was best to focus on that in the hopes that it would finally make a difference.