CHAPTER FIFTY
Darrell holds out his hands toward the three of us sisters. “I’m going to start out by saying that I’m sorry if I ruined your big event here.” He glances over his shoulder toward the front door and the rest of the guests who are milling around outside.
Just then Sam appears in the doorway holding Sadie on his hip. He walks in and holds up his free hand. “Sorry. Just coming through. Got to put the little one to bed.” He touches my shoulder on the way past, and I reach up to pat his fingers and let him know I’m okay before he continues on.
Darrell waits until Sam is gone before he speaks again. “I know you all want me gone from here, and I get it. I’ve been a thorn in some of your sides for a long time.” He glances at his former bandmates.
Red grunts but doesn’t look at him.
I go back to staring at Darrell, wondering if any of his features remind me of my sister. It’s hard to say. Maybe they have the same face shape . . .
“But there’s a reason for me being here. I need to speak my piece.” He looks right at Rose as he explains. “Back when Sally and the others were around, things were good for us.” He glances at Rose’s mom—who’s looking a little shell-shocked with her mouth hanging partway open—before going back to his story. “Maybe too good. We were riding high on emotion and good times, writing good music together, living the life . . . but then it all caught up to us.”
Red opens his mouth to speak, but a hand on his arm stops him. This time it’s Ty putting on the brakes as he slowly shakes his head and warns his bandmate to let Darrell have his say. I’m amazed when Red listens.
“We started making waves with our music. A lot of money and offers were coming in. Drugs were being handed out like candy.” He glares at the band members, almost daring them to deny it; but they say nothing. Mooch looks like he feels a little guilty over that statement, which lends it more credence in my mind.
“Ted and I talked a lot about it,” Darrell says. “We both thought the environment was getting toxic.”
“That wasn’t their fault,” Red blurts out. “The girls had nothing to do with that.”
For a moment I think he’s talking about us, but then I realize when our mothers share a look that he means them. My heart hurts for them, that a man they cared about saw them as a problem.
“I’m not saying it was their fault, but they were a part of it,” Darrell insists, his voice rising. “They didn’t bring the drugs in, but they participated. They encouraged the whole . . . environment or whatever. And you did too.” He runs his hand over his head, clearly frustrated as he glares at Red. “You can deny it all you want now, but I remember, and so does Ted.”
I’m not surprised by Darrell’s statements. The fact that our mothers were smoking pot and being very free with themselves and their time with these men is not news to me. Our mothers have been very honest about what happened . . . or they have been since Lister entered our lives. I refuse to be angry with them over their past lies by omission. My mother once said that motherhood makes liars of us all, and I get it. Sometimes it’s better if kids don’t know the truth about things like Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and rocker fathers who didn’t want them around.
“It still doesn’t make it okay,” Cash says.
Darrell responds. “All I did was point out to you guys that having the girls around was keeping all of you . . . all of us . . . from doing our best work. They used to inspire us to write, but then they just inspired us to party.”
Barbara and Carol wipe tears from their eyes, but Sally is staring at the floor. I wish I could see what’s going through her mind as she wrings her hands and taps her foot. I’d like to hug all of them right now. This is a part of their shared pasts that obviously makes them feel terrible. What I see is a tragedy. So much of this pain they all caused—both the band and our mothers—could have been avoided if they had all just communicated better . . . and more lovingly. The men carelessly threw around the statement that wives and children would never be welcome in their lives, and our mothers selfishly kept the existence of their pregnancies to themselves. There are no innocent parties in this, other than my sisters and me, of course.
Guilt niggles at me when I realize that I can only be putting myself in that innocent category if I’m not one of the people making the problem continue or making it worse, which means I have to ensure that I’m not repeating their mistakes. In other words, I need to be a better communicator, or I’m no better than they were twenty-six years ago. The idea makes a knot form in the pit of my stomach.
“That’s not fair,” Red says in a low voice. “They didn’t make us do anything. We all partied by choice. Grown men make choices about doing drugs; they aren’t forced into things.”
“Fair has nothing to do with it.” Darrell focuses on Rose, Amber, and me. “You have to understand . . . Life back then for us was nuts. We were young. Too young to be dealing with the pressure being put on us. Ted was just as young as we were. When he found out your mothers were pregnant, he came to me with an idea and I agreed it was the best thing for everyone.”
“You knew and you didn’t tell us!” Red yells, right before leaping on him.
It takes three men to pull him off and five minutes of shouting to calm things down enough for Darrell to be able to speak again.
He pulls down the bottom of his jacket and makes a big show of smoothing his hair before he starts again. “Yeah. I knew they were pregnant. And I also knew if they kept spending time around all those drugs, they were going to be tempted to use them while they were carrying those babies, and it was going to be the end of everything.”
“You were involved in sending them away,” Red says, his voice hoarse with emotion. “I’m glad we kicked your ass out of the band. A thousand times glad.” All his bandmates are nodding, even Ty.
Sally lifts her head and steps forward, holding out her hand. “Stop.”
I blink a few times, wondering where this is going. Sally never makes herself the center of attention.
Rose squeezes my hand so hard it cracks one of my knuckles. “Sorry,” she whispers.
“Listen . . . ,” Sally says, “I can see where this is headed, and I don’t think it’s going to help anyone to point fingers and play the blame game. Fact is, Barbara, Carol, and I knew what we were doing. We were pregnant and we weren’t going to stay. We always knew our time with the band was temporary.” Her smile is both endearing and sad. “It was the greatest time of our lives, except for all the moments we’ve spent being mothers to our three girls. Those were better. Greater. Much more important in the grand scheme of things.” She holds her hands out to us and waves a little.
We wave back. I have to wipe tears from my eyes. I always thought that Red Hot came first in their minds, but I guess I was wrong. I never held it against them, but it’s nice to know my sisters and I were always their favorite group.
“Ted did us a big favor,” Barbara says, stepping forward to join Sally, putting her arm around her best friend’s waist in support. “And Darrell did too.” She glances at him and nods once. “We knew if we told you that we were pregnant that you would try to convince us to stay. And we knew we had to go. We did what we thought was right by our children.” She sighs, looking down. “Maybe it was a mistake, but it doesn’t feel like it.”
“It wasn’t,” I say, filled with love for my mothers and the sacrifices they made for us. It couldn’t have been easy to be that young and have to make such adult, mature decisions, particularly when I think about the environment they were living in. “We’ve had great lives here, and now that I’ve been to New York and LA, I can say with confidence that I, for one, don’t belong in those places.”
My sisters laugh quietly.
“Darrell,” Rose says, “why do you think I’m your daughter?”
He lifts his chin. “Because I was sleeping with Sally when she got pregnant.”
Red shrugs. “So was I.”
Mooch lifts his finger. “Guilty.”
Cash stares at the ceiling and whistles off-key.
Darrell frowns at them. “She told me she was exclusive to me.”
Sally looks up, a guilty, awkward smile affixed to her face. “It’s the only way I could get you to take your clothes off.”
The entire room bursts out laughing, with the exception of Darrell. He just looks confused. And then he looks deflated. I elbow Rose and she elbows me back. I don’t think she knew any better than I did what a vixen her mom can be. It’s actually kind of hilarious to imagine sweet, scatterbrained Sally being so sneaky, just so she could get it on with a rocker.
“So, what you’re saying, Mom, is that he could be my father,” Rose states emphatically.
Everyone stops laughing.
Sally nods. “Yes. He could be.”
Rose stands and shrugs. “That’s all I need to know.” She looks right at the man in leather. “Darrell, you are welcome to stay at Glenhollow Farms. So long as you follow the rules here, you can remain as long as you’d like.” She nods once, silently daring anyone to contradict her.
I stand next to her and hold her hand. “Darrell, I don’t know if my mom slept with you or not, but I don’t care. If you could be my sister’s father, then that’s good enough for me.” I look at the other men. “And as for the rest of you, I hope you won’t take me ignoring you all night as a sign that you aren’t welcome, because you are. I’m not going to lie and say that I want to be your best friend or anything, but I am curious about your lives and the choices you made, and I hope one of these days soon you’ll take the time to share your thoughts and histories with me.”
“It’d be my honor,” Red says, putting his hand on his heart.
“And mine,” Mooch says.
“Add me to the mix,” Cash says. “And even though Keith is no longer with us, I know right now he’s looking down on us and smiling. He’d be proud of you right now. All of you girls. And your moms.”
Amber stands and holds on to my other hand. She looks at me and leans in to kiss my cheek. “Thank you,” she whispers.
I don’t say anything. I’m not doing this just for her. I’m doing this for all of us—her, Rose, me, our mothers . . . these men who had daughters taken from them without knowing, or so I hear. Our story is complicated and messy, made up of layer upon layer of lies and misunderstandings. But it’s a story that needs to be told and unwound. It’s only fair that each of us knows where we came from.
One of the band members comes over to me and holds out his hand. “Hi there, Emerald. I’m Mooch.”
I shake his hand, feeling suddenly nervous. “Hi, Mooch.” He could be my father, and that’s no small thing.
“It’s such a pleasure to see you again.” His eyes well up with tears, which makes me want to cry immediately. This man is revered by literally millions of people, and he’s brought to tears at seeing me? Craziness. He moves on to Rose, and then another band member walks up.
“Remember me? I’m Cash,” says the man, coming up behind Mooch. “So great to be here with you. You’re as pretty as an emerald, that’s for sure. We didn’t get a chance to talk last time, but maybe this trip it can be different.” He shakes my hand too.
“Thanks. Sure.” I look down, too shy to comment any more than that.
He looks over his shoulder. “You remember Red.” He turns to talk to Rose, and I’m left with Red approaching. He stops in front of me. I shake the tall man’s hand and look into his eyes. I’ve seen those eyes before, but not on him. It makes my heart skip a beat.
“Nice to see you again, young lady. And can I say how much I admire the painting you did out there? You have true talent. I’m jealous. I’ve always wanted to be able to create something like that.”
I try to smile, but my lips are quivering too much. “Thank you. It’s really not a big deal.”
“And she’s humble too,” he says softly over his shoulder to the people behind him.
I can’t look at him anymore; it feels like he’s seeing right into my soul.
“Paul,” says a smaller man behind Red. “Not your dad, but happy to be here nonetheless.” He grins big and shakes my hand as Red moves over to talk to Rose. “I joined the band after Darrell left, so I wasn’t around for all the fun stuff.”
Everyone laughs at that, and I have to smile too.
“So,” Darrell says, clapping his hands together and rubbing them, “you got any room at the inn for me?” He looks longingly at the stairs.
“No way,” Ty says, surprising everyone. “Not in the house, man.”
Darrell frowns at him. “What’s it to you?”
“He’s right,” Carol says, motioning at the door. “All of you . . . out.”
Paul is smiling. Mooch and Red are frowning. Darrell looks resigned. Ty is grinning in satisfaction until my mother points at him. “That means you, too.”
“But . . .”
“But nothing. The house is for ladies only. We’ll see you all tomorrow. We girls need to have a powwow.”
The staircase creaks and everyone turns around to see who’s there. Sam.
“Hey!” Ty says. “If I can’t stay, neither can he.” He points at his brother.
Sam looks down the stairs with a guilty smile. “Say what?”
“He’s an exception,” Barbara says. “His baby is in the house. He needs to keep an eye on her.”
Sam looks relieved for about two seconds before I speak. “No, that’s okay. I can watch her.”
His jaw drops as he stares at me. I can’t help but laugh.
“Oh, man. She’s kicking me to the curb already.” He comes down the stairs smiling and joins the rest of the band in the foyer.
“Don’t let the door hit you on the butts on the way out,” Amber says, giggling when they grumble back at her.