CHAPTER FIFTY-THREE
Sam and I are coming back from the meditation meadow together, hand in hand, knowing that Sadie will be waking from her nap soon and will want to see us. The last three weeks have been full of music, painting, babysitting, laughing, eating big meals, and getting to know not just each other but the members of Red Hot. After they realized how well they jam together when they’re out here on the farm, away from all the hectic hustle and bustle of the city, they decided to stay on for a while. I thought I would hate the idea, but I don’t. Not at all, really.
It’s been easier since Darrell left. The two days he spent here had us all riding an emotional roller coaster that only came to an end when he finally acknowledged that some mistakes from the past cannot be totally forgiven . . . at least not by Red. I don’t know really how our mothers feel about it—their moods rise and fall on a daily basis as memories come and go—but Rose, Amber, and I aren’t ready to write Darrell off. There will be another time in the future for us to talk about what happened in the past and what might happen moving forward, but none of us is in a rush to get there. Darrell is the one band member who knew we existed all along and yet made a conscious decision to be absent. That’s not something we’re taking lightly.
Since the band settled in, things have been . . . incredible. Exhausting. Unforgettable. I can now understand how our mothers got so wrapped up in them before. Even at their age, the men of Red Hot are magnetic and compelling, easily sweeping us into their orbits. It makes sense that Sam fits in so well with their group. Although not a member of the band, he’s so much like them. To me, anyway. I couldn’t resist him if I tried . . . not that I’m trying.
Sam has a contract with Red Hot now, working for them as an independent songwriter, because of course he’s a brilliant musician, and with him on board, Red Hot is going to be at the top of the charts again. It was an easy decision for all of them, and now he no longer has to worry about how he’s going to support his child.
As Sam and I walk along, hand in hand, he breaks the silence we’ve been sharing for the last hour. “So . . . I know you took that test this morning. I don’t want to push you, but it’s kind of driving me nuts wondering what the result was.”
I stop, forcing him to draw up and face me. “Why didn’t you say something, silly? I didn’t mean to torture you by keeping it a secret.” Being in the meditation meadow kind of suggests a person prefers silence, but it’s not a hard-and-fast rule or anything. He went there to clear his head and I went there to find him. I want to tell him what happened just an hour ago. The news is burning me up inside. I just don’t know how he’s going to take it. It’s making me nauseated to imagine him being upset.
“I didn’t want to harsh your vibe or whatever,” he says.
I pull him into a hug. “You could never do that. You are my haven from the craziness.” I breathe in his scent, knowing I’ll never tire of it for as long as I live. We are connected now, forever. The test I took this morning proves it.
He kisses the top of my head. “So are you going to tell me, or are you going to keep me in suspense?”
I want to tell him. I want to shout it from the rooftops and tell the world, but something is stopping me. I think it’s my mothers. Over two decades ago they made a rash decision that affected so many lives. We’re trying not to regret their choices as a family, but sometimes it’s hard. I don’t want to repeat their mistakes. I don’t want to hurt the people I love. I need to be absolutely sure I’m doing the right thing.
“I’m going to tell you.” I pull away, hanging on to his hands. “Are you ready to hear some big news?”
He grins. “Hell yeah.”
My stomach feels like it’s full of knots. “You know that condom that broke?”
“Yeah . . .” He grins harder.
“Well, apparently, it broke at exactly the wrong time of the month for me.” My face heats up with embarrassment. I pray he doesn’t think I somehow trapped him into this. Anyone could accidentally use an expired box of condoms, right?
He loses a bit of his smile. “What do you mean? Are you pregnant or not?”
I nod, worried about his response. He doesn’t look happy anymore. “I am.” I feel sick saying it. I hadn’t intended this to happen. I don’t want Sam to be with me just because of this.
He rolls his eyes heavenward. “Oh, shit.”
“What?” I try to pull back, but he hangs on to my fingers.
“Don’t go.” He draws me toward him, putting his arms around my waist. My hands linger at his hips. I don’t know what he’s going to say next, but my heart is pounding.
“I didn’t mean it like that. Please don’t think anything negative.”
“It’s kind of hard not to when your response is to swear.”
He reaches up and moves my hair away from my face. “You are so beautiful. Have I told you that lately?”
“Yes, but you’re not answering my question.”
“What was your question?” He stops messing with my hair and stares at me. I can’t read his expression.
Now I’m confused. “I don’t know. Maybe I didn’t have one. Why are you mad about this? Do you think I meant for it to happen?”
“I’m not mad.” He puts his hands on either side of my face. “Are you crazy? I’m thrilled.” His nostrils flare and his eyes turn red.
“You look like you’re about to go all Incredible Hulk on me or something.” I’ve never seen this look on Sam’s face.
His voice is gruff when he answers. “This is me about to fall apart, babe.”
“Me being pregnant is making you fall apart? That can’t be good.”
He squeezes his eyes shut and then holds me against him. “I’m such an idiot. I’m not expressing myself well at all.” He sighs over my shoulder. “I could write you a song that would tell you exactly how I’m feeling, but I can’t say the words in a normal conversation. What the hell is wrong with me?”
I pat him on the back, finally understanding a little of what he’s experiencing. “It’s a lot to take in.”
He pulls back and searches my eyes. “What does it mean for us, though?”
I shrug, afraid to be the one to say what needs to be said but knowing it has to happen. I’m going to be a mom now; I no longer can afford the luxury of letting fear stop me from being the bravest person I can be. “Well, I suppose you have a choice. You can either stick around and help me raise this child, or you can choose not to do that.” I try not to let the ache in my throat become tears in my eyes.
He looks anguished. “How could you think I wouldn’t want to participate in this adventure with you? This miracle?”
His clarified response is a glimmer of hope. “I don’t want you to feel forced. I don’t want this to ruin what we’ve started.”
He rubs my upper arms, sounding more confident by the second. “It can’t do that. It’s only going to make it better. We’re good for each other, Em. We make each other better. Stronger. More confident and comfortable. I’ve looked for that feeling all my life, and I finally found it with you. I’d be a complete fool to let that go or walk away from it.”
“Really? You really think that?” My heart soars. This pregnancy isn’t going to toll the death knell of our relationship; it’s a new beginning! I had no idea that I could mean this to another human being. It makes me feel as though I’m reaching a potential I didn’t even know I was capable of attaining. It gives me a confidence I’ve never felt with anyone before, not even my sisters. This is some crazy magic Sam is working on me.
He nods. “I do. I really do.” He leans forward and kisses me very gently on the lips, his beard tickling me. “You are so courageous and loving and smart. How did I get so lucky to have you in my life?”
I hug him to me fiercely, so glad I took a chance on his man. “We’re both lucky.”
He chuckles. “I’m not sure if you’re exactly lucky, but you’re stuck with me now.” He puts his lips right up to my ear and whispers, “We made a baby together.”
I giggle. “Stop, you’re giving me goose bumps.”
He kisses me on the neck and then moves us in the direction of the house again. We’re walking arm in arm, our sides practically glued together . . . me a pregnant girl and him the father of my baby. I thought my sister was crazy moving in with a man she just met, but look at me now; I’m even crazier than she is. And I wouldn’t change it for the world.
“I don’t want you to worry about me working far away,” he says as we reach the front of the house.
I pause to hear the rest of what he has to say. “What do you mean?” I pray he means what I think he does. Our living apart was the big wrench in the works of our relationship. I cannot live in New York City. I know it will slowly eat away at the core of who I am to be surrounded by all that noise, all those people, and a complete lack of what I enjoy here on the farm. But he has to work with the band, and their permanent home is there.
He faces me. “I’ve already thought it all through. I was going to talk to you about it after meditating. I can work here with the band as long as they’ll stay, and then I’ll work from here alone. I can send them my work as MP3 files and take occasional trips down there if they need me to be there in person.”
I tremble with happiness at the idea that he had already worked this out in his mind, before he knew I was pregnant. “Are you sure you want to do that?”
“Are you kidding me?” He pauses to look around us. “You’re asking me if I’ll regret living in paradise? With the woman I love and the baby we made together . . . and her big sister?”
“My big sister?”
“Well, yeah, Rose too, but I was talking about Sadie. I love all my girls . . . Sadie, you, your sisters, your moms. They’re my family now . . . as long as you want me to be a part of it.”
He loves my sisters and my moms too. Could a man be more perfect for me? Nope. We smile at each other like a couple of simple fools. “Are you kidding?” I ask. “You don’t doubt that, do you? That I want you to be a part of my family?”
“No. Not one bit. All of you have been nothing but kind and loving toward me and Sadie. I couldn’t ask for better people to have in my life.”
I can’t get over how much I love this man. He’s said all the right things, and he’s not doing it to manipulate me. “You think the farm is paradise?”
“It is for me. It is for Sadie. You don’t want to leave, do you?” He moves in closer. “Don’t tell me after all this time with the band you’re suddenly feeling the need to move to Manhattan . . .”
“Oh, God, no.” I put my hand to my throat as I laugh. I feel like my heart is going to burst. “I’m very happy right here . . . as long as you and Sadie are by my side.”
“When are we going to tell Sadie?” he asks.
“Normally, people don’t say anything to kids until more time has passed, but I’m worried my sisters will say something in front of her and let the cat out of the bag. And with everything that happened with Madison, I don’t want her getting big news from anyone but us.”
“Your sisters?”
“Yes. I have to tell them. We don’t keep secrets from one another.” I can just see their reactions in my mind. They are going to flip out.
“I agree that’s probably best, then. We’ll tell her together.”
“Tonight,” I agree. “I don’t think I can wait to share the news. You, me, and Sadie are going to be a family.” I want to sing with joy.
“And our baby,” he says, moving in to kiss me again. “What are we going to name her?”
I can’t stop smiling. “What if it’s a boy?”
“Boys are trouble.” He leans down and talks to my belly button. “Hey, baby. Can you hear me in there? You need to come out with girl parts, not boy parts.”
Neither of us notices Red standing at the top of the stairs until he speaks. “Looks like somebody has some big news.” He’s wearing his standard leather jacket and biker boots, his thumbs tucked into the waistband of his jeans.
Sam stands up straight, losing his happy expression instantly. My face is suddenly very hot, the autumn cold no longer affecting me. Sam looks at me, an apology in his eyes. I slowly shake my head at him. This isn’t his fault. He was just being an excited dad.
“Maybe,” I say, mounting the steps. Sam is right behind me.
“Do you have a minute?” Red asks me, ignoring Sam. “I’d love to talk to you, one on one, if you think that’d be cool.”
I shrug. Red has been waiting in the wings for a very long time to talk to me, and at this point it feels just plain mean to keep denying him. I can no longer claim I’m too busy with the animals or Sadie or cooking or cleaning. It’s time to put all our cards on the table and have a heart-to-heart. “Sure. Let’s walk to the clinic to visit Rose.”
“Excellent. I was just headed there myself.”
I put my hand on Sam’s arm and smile. “See you later?”
He searches my face. “As long as you’re good with this.”
I nod. “I am. Thanks, babe.”
He kisses me and I literally can feel the love he has for me, transferred into my body through his touch. I know now what it means to be high on life.
Red comes down the stairs, and I turn to face the road to the clinic. Our footsteps make the gravel crunch beneath our shoes. I wait for him to start talking, to say whatever it is he’s been burning to say to me probably from the moment he found out that I exist.